Girl Days
by Kenko
Summary: People keep telling me to put this here. Well, all right. It's basically the often used 'Ranma has to be a girl for a while' plot... but, well, not that after all. Because I'm a humorist, I do it without angst. If you haven't seen it before... get rea
1. Girl Days 1

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Robert Haynie  
  
(insert usual tired and practically universally memorized  
disclaimer here)  
  
  
Part One: You Want Me To WHAT?!?  
  
  
Ranma Saotome scowled as she walked down the streets of Nerima.  
"Someday," she snarled, "I'm gonna find out HOW that  
ladle-lapping old coot always hit's me. She NEVER misses. It's  
like some wet version of the tomboy's hammer..."  
  
As she entered the courtyard of the Tendo Dojo, she failed to  
notice the person standing in the house's doorway. Ranma stopped  
just in time to keep from bumping to her--  
  
Mother.  
  
Holding a few packages that somehow Ranma instinctively KNEW she  
wasn't going to like.  
  
Nodoka looked at her damp and -- at the moment -- female son and  
sighed. "What was it today, dear? A truck? Someone watering  
their lawn? That ditch again?"  
  
"Naw, the ladle lady. Is there some water-based martial art I  
ain't heard of? Because she NEVER misses, you know... well,  
almost never, I guess..."  
  
"Actually, Ranma, I'm rather glad that you're in your... feminine  
state at the moment. I've been thinking about how your curse  
affects your life, and I have a plan to make it less disruptive.  
Please follow me..."  
  
####  
  
Akane Tendo stormed into the dojo in a state of high aggravation.  
This was nothing new for her, of course, but for once that anger  
wasn't directed towards Ranma. Rather, it was directed at  
practically every OTHER male on the planet.  
  
Kuno had begun the party by once again protesting his love for  
her(and, of course, the Pig-Tailed Goddess) and suggesting that  
theTHREE of them go on a romantic date. Kuno became rather  
familiar with a high-flying sparrow due to that.  
  
Then Mousse had glomped her, screaming, "Shampoo, my love, come  
run away with me and... hey, Shampoo? When did your chest  
shrink?" (Mousse had just come from his last glomp with the  
aforementioned amazon and was still slightly concussed, else he  
probably wouldn't have said something THAT stupid.) The Chinese  
Master of Hidden Weapons followed Kuno into avation history.  
  
Then TSUBASA, of all people, had propositioned her. Now, Akane  
couldn't know that this was part of a cunning, detailed, and-- of  
course-- hopeless plan to make Ukyo jealous, and that he had no  
real intent of any relationship, but since he'd done it the same  
way that he would have to Ukyo, he too gained an all-expense paid  
trip via Air Akane.  
  
Which suggests that in retrospect it was a BAD day for Gosunkugi  
to actually generate a bit of a spine and ask Akane out on a  
date. As he flew through the air, he murmured dreamily, "She  
TOUCHEDme..."  
  
What she wanted right now was Ranma to say something-- ANYTHING--  
stupid-- so she could have a nice, satisfying, cathartic fight.  
  
What she GOT when she entered the house was the shock of her  
life.  
  
####  
  
"You want me to do WHAT?"  
  
"Ranma," Nodoka sighed, "It's really the only thing I can think  
of. I have no doubts about your manliness anymore-- but I'm  
seriously concerned about your femininity."  
  
Ranma stared at her mother as though she had finally gone  
completely insane. Which, to be accurate, was pretty much the  
idea flowing through her mind. "But... I'm a guy. I ain't GOT  
no femininity! Mom, this is crazier than even any of POP'S  
schemes! Well, with the exception of the Neko-ken, maybe... and  
those multiple fiancees... and Jusenkyo... All right, it's not  
crazier, but it's still crazy!"  
  
"Ranma, I have been thinking about this for quite a while. And I  
have come to the conclusion that you are both my son AND my  
daughter. Now, I don't expect you to be a lady... I'm resigned  
to the fact that you're going to be something of a tomboy. But I  
DO think you need to learn how to be comfortable with your female  
half, and this is the best way I can think of."  
  
Ranma's mind was following a frightening path. What bothered  
herself about her present form was that she DID feel slightly  
different when a girl... and was terrified that that might  
increase.... that she'd be wearing lacy dresses and flirting with  
boys and wanting to... to... THAT thought was so hideous that it  
immediately crawled into the deepest recesses of her mind and  
shot itself. Repeatedly.  
  
"Ranma, are you afraid you will actually become a girl?"  
  
She jerked upright, in shock. When had Mom become a tele, um,  
telly.... a mind reader?  
  
Nodoka sighed. "I thought so. I don't believe that's the  
case... but it's only natural that you'd feel somewhat different  
when female. If it makes you any happier, there's one thing  
about my proposed plan that you may approve of."  
  
"Yeah? And what the heck could THAT POSSIBLY be?"  
  
"Your father will hate it."  
  
Ranma had always had a problem saying no to her mother, even when  
she hadn't known she was really he. And the prospect of  
irritating Pops while having the blessing of her mother was just  
WAY too good to give up...  
  
"By the way, Ranma, which technique IS the Neko-ken?"  
  
"Um... nothing, really, just one of Pop's ideas that didn't  
work..."  
  
She might want her father annoyed as hell, but not-- at the  
moment-- dead, after all.  
  
  
####  
  
Which explains why Akane Tendo was staring at the totally bizarre  
sight of Ranma and his mother sharing a cup of tea. Well, that  
wasn't the bizarre part.  
  
The bizarre part was that Ranma was in girl mode, and wearing a  
white skirt, blue blouse, stockings-- my GOD, she could tell from  
the lines that she was even wearing a bra and panties-- and had  
changed her hair from the usual pigtail to a loose ponytail tied  
with a blue bow. And as far as she could tell, earrings.  
  
"They pinch, Mom."  
  
"I know, Ranma-chan, but piercing's not really an option for you.  
Now, we have to discuss makeup, next lesson. And we'll have to  
do some shopping, really... not only because your wardrobe is  
rather limited but even after the main training you'll have to do  
maintenance. I only bought enough with me for a few days, after  
all. If it helps, dear, think of it as exercise."  
  
"Makeup. Bleah. ANYTHING'S better than that. Even this bra."  
  
"You'll get used to it. Remember, Ranma--"  
  
"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?" screamed a totally confused  
Akane.  
  
Ranma looked up, with an unusual expression. "Mom's helping me  
to understand my femininity with masculine determination."  
  
Akane facefaulted.  
  
"That's a very interesting way to put it, Ranma. And I think for  
now the best way for you to look on it. Well, I'm going to  
inform Genma of my intent. He should be... intrigued."  
  
Nodoka went into the training room where she had banished her  
husband while she discussed things with Ranma, and a few moments  
later the two girls heard the inevitable argument-- beginning  
with Genma's scream of "You want him to do WHAT???"  
  
"Ranma, what's really going ON here?!?" demanded Akane,  
suspecting that this was all some complex plot to make her look  
like a fool.  
  
"Exactly what I said. Mom's got it into her head that I'm both a  
guy AND a girl and that I need training on the girl part. I'm  
supposed to stay a girl for two whole months of my own free will  
and then at least one day out of every four after that as  
'maintenance'. Dresses and the whole nine yards. My life is  
hell."  
  
"Well... after she leaves you can change back, and--"  
  
"I can't. I promised her I'd try. I won't break a promise to  
Mom. I won't hurt her ever again," retorted Ranma in a suddenly  
fierce voice.  
  
Akane drew back. She knew that look-- the same look that Ranma  
would have before a critical battle, or when determined to learn  
or develop a new technique. And that meant that Kami-sama  
himselfcouldn't talk him out of it. Her out of it. Whatever.  
  
"OK... if you promised your mother. But why two whole months?"  
  
"Mom said it was something about biology. I dunno what she  
means, but-- Akane, why are you LAUGHING like that?"  
  
  
####  
  
end part one 


	2. Girl Days 2

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Robert Haynie  
  
(insert usual tired and practically universally memorized  
disclaimer here)  
  
Part Two : The Shopping Trip  
  
  
"Last Night was HELL, Akane," Ranma groused. "Sleeping in  
that...that..."  
  
"Negligee, Ranma. And you looked so very very cute in it too,"  
teased Nabiki.  
  
It was to Nabiki's chagrin that Ranma had gone out of her way to  
set up a crude but effective alarm system to warn her of the  
inevitable photo-shoot that Nabiki would attempt. And she was  
CERTAIN that Ranma was behind the sudden lack of film in the  
house. She couldn't decide weither to be angry at the loss of  
potential income or be pleased that the Saotome boy-- or was it  
girl? Heh-- was beginning to show signs of intellect. Oh, well,  
there'd be other opportunities... especially with the present  
situation.  
  
"Hai, Ranma-chan," added Kasumi (totally missing the wince that  
the redhead gave when being called by what she considered a feminine  
suffix). "And that's a very nice outfit today."  
  
"I'm just glad as HELL that we're on break. I don't wanna wear a  
Furinkan uniform. ANY uniform." Ranma looked down at herself--  
wearing a blue sundress with yellow trim. And socks with pink  
trim at the tops. And a bracelet-- Nodoka had INSISTED on at  
least one piece of jewelry. And she could FEEL the green bow  
holding her ponytail in place.  
  
For the first time in her life she almost wished that Nodoka HAD  
chosen the seppuku option.  
  
Akane couldn't decide weither to feel sorry for Ranma or to  
explode in laughter. So she just picked at her rice.  
  
Nodoka sighed. "I know you don't like it, Ranma-chan--" A  
repeated wince from the above named individual-- "But I do  
consider it needful. And you do look very nice."  
  
"Yeah, well, I don't plan on making this a habit except for that  
maintenance thing. And if I have to dress like a girl I wanna  
be MY kind of girl. Not that I AM a Girl..."  
  
"I knew you'd be something of a tomboy, dear," Nodoka replied--  
and stared at the suddenly hysterical Akane. THAT comment had  
broken all resolve.  
  
"Hah-hahaha!!! NOW who's the tomboy, Ranma?" she guffawed at the  
suddenly reddening girl across from her.  
  
"I don't KNOW, AKANE-CHAN. Maybe you can give me lessons!"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"And while I'm on that subject, I'll ALSO need lessons in how to  
be uncute!"  
  
"RANMA NO BA--"  
  
"Put that mallet down NOW, young lady," commanded Nodoka. Akane  
blinked, and reluctantly-- very reluctantly-- complied.  
  
"At anyrate, Ranma, after breakfast we shall go shopping. And  
before you even THINK of buying only blouses and slacks, (here  
Ranma murmured an internal "Kuso" for not realizing that his  
mother would think of that dodge) you will have at least two  
thirds of your wardrobe properly feminine. You will have the  
right to approve your skirts and dresses to a point-- but if you  
act overly obstinate I will take over the approval process--- and  
I will go for LOTS of pink and lace. Do I make myself clear,  
young lady?"  
  
"Hai, mother. "  
  
####  
  
"Ranma, that's a little... revealing, isn't it?" gasped Nodoka at  
the outfit her son/daughter had selected.  
  
"Mom, if I gotta be a girl for a while, then I gotta be my kind.  
I wanna be a girl with attitude, tough, no-nonsense."  
  
"but... but... but..."  
  
"And it DOES look good on me. Anyhow, what's wrong with  
leather?"  
  
Leather it was. A black glossy gleaming leather shorts and  
halter combo, with calf-high boots and a chain-link belt. And  
theMirrorshades. Can't forget the mirrorshades. Or the  
fingerless elbow length gloves. Or the fishnet stockings. Even  
the choker.  
  
Ranma was RADIATING "Bad Girl".  
  
"I...I'm just somewhat... well... is it you?" Nodoka replied  
weakly.  
  
"It's not for everyday. I just kinda like the look. Besides, I  
can fight in this outfit, and you KNOW I attract fights."  
  
(That's not all you're going to attract, Ranma!) thought a  
furiously not-giggling-at-all-nope-nope-nope Akane. (If you walk  
around in THAT you are gonna redefine heart attacks!)  
  
"It's for challenge fighting, Mom. I figure if I'm challenged on  
a Girl Day, this outfit will distract the opponent."  
  
Nodoka raised an eyebrow. "Girl Day?"  
  
Ranma shrugged. (Causing what to any male would be a chain of  
VERY interesting ripples in the tight leather.) "That's what I'm  
calling the maintenance days after we get past these two months  
of training."  
  
"Ah. Can I at least hope your other outfits will be less...  
risque?"  
  
"What's risky?"  
  
"Ranma," put in Akane (who had insisted on coming along), "She  
means that if most of your outfits are anything like that one  
you'll have boys all over you. And I DO mean ALL over you. As  
in crawling."  
  
"aCK," Ranma replied intelligently.  
  
"I think we can work a reasonable compromise, dear," inserted  
Nodoka. "Hmm... there's a sports-wear shop nearby..."  
  
####  
  
The rest of the day was similar. At the sportswear shop Ranma  
wanted sweats, Akane suggested various highly cute things (mostly  
to annoy Ranma), and Nodoka found compromises. Ranma came away  
with a mix of shorts and spandex.  
  
At a swimwear shop Ranma wound up with two somewhat revealing  
one-pieces and a very revealing two-piece (All chosen by Nodoka,  
all of which Ranma had to admit looked good on her.)  
  
A trip to a lingerie shop resulted in a selection of very very  
plain bras and panties (including at least three sportsbras,  
which Ranma justified to herself as athletic supporters for the  
chest) and two more feminine sets. (In fact, rather "risky".)  
  
It was at a clothing store that things got out of hand again.  
Theslacks and blouses were easy enough. A few minor tops were  
simple. But when they hit the skirts things got... weird.  
  
"Mom, the problem is fighting. Face it, people are always trying  
to attack me. I gotta have something I can fight in. How do I  
do that in a skirt?"  
  
"You have a point there, Ranma. But I DO require that you dress  
properly, and you can't spend all your time in slacks-- they are  
too much like pants, and would defeat the purpose of the  
training."  
  
A sales-clerk looked up. "Pardon me-- is the young lady a  
martialartist then?"  
  
"Why yes, she is," replied Nodoka. "Do you have a suggestion?"  
  
"Yes, madam. Our new line of Fighting Skirts."  
  
Akane, Ranma, AND Nodoka stared at the clerk in disbelief.  
"Fighting Skirts?!" they replied in unison.  
  
The skirts were a selection of shortish ones-- ranging from just  
above the knee to short minis. The side-seams weren't sewn,  
however-- but held together with velcro. "If miss should find  
herself in a fight, the seams come apart easily, becoming a split  
skirt, allowing full movement. Exclusive to our store. Snaps at  
the bottom of the seams keep the velcro from accidentally  
separating. And we have them in a wide range of sizes and  
styles."  
  
"What the heck gave anyone an idea like THAT?" sputtered Ranma.  
  
"Miss-- this IS Nerima."  
  
"Good point. Let's see what you got."  
  
Three knee-length and two modest minis later, it was time for the  
next store.  
  
"Don't want any heels."  
  
"You should have one pair for formal occasions, Ranma. If you  
prefer, the rest may be flats."  
  
"Don't want any heels. Don't need any heels."  
  
"And why do you say you don't need any heels?"  
  
"Because she's got two pair already," put in Akane. "She used  
them for disguises."  
  
Ranma fumed.  
  
"Oh-- well, that means we can spend a bit more on her evening  
dress then."  
  
"Ack," commented Ranma.  
  
####  
  
Of course, it wasn't all shopping.  
  
"Pig-tailed Goddess! Nay, pony-tailed now-- surely you have  
changed thy hair for my sake as a sign of your wresting free of  
the grip of the demon Saotome's vile spell! Come, you and the  
lovely Akane Tendo may date--"  
  
KA-WHAM!!!  
  
"Ranma, was that really needful?" Asked Nodoka, as she watched  
theform of the kendoist sail off into the distance.  
  
"Yes, Mom-- it WAS."  
  
Akane, for once, gave vocal and enthusiastic agreement to Ranma's  
declaration.  
  
####  
  
"No WAY do I carry a purse."  
  
"But Ranma, where are you going to keep your things? Very few of  
your new outfits have pockets, after all..."  
  
"Oh, all RIGHT..."  
  
####  
  
"WO AI NI! Airen-- why Airen wearing dress? Why in girl type?"  
  
"Aw, geddoffame-- Akane, it's NOT what it LOOKS like-- Mom,  
HELP!"  
  
####  
  
"Sigh. I don't know NOTHIN' about this stuff... you handle it,  
Mom."  
  
"Very well, Ranma. Now, can we see your eyeliners?"  
  
####  
  
"LOOK at these outfits!"  
  
"Oh, MY," Murmured Nodoka.  
  
"Hmmph," muttered Akane. "So THIS is where the bimbo shops."  
  
"Mom, I ain't wearing anything like Shampoo wears. Even if it  
DOES look good on me. Even if it makes me look just LIKE--  
Hmm...maybe one, that one. (Just in case I have to impersonate  
an amazon...)"  
  
####  
  
"Hey, beautiful-- wanna go for a cup of tea or something?"  
  
"Gosh-- you'll have to ask Mom."  
  
"Aw, what does yer mom have to do with anyth--"  
  
SHING. (That, incidentally, is the sound of a rapidly drawn  
katana.)  
  
"Um... maybe another time? No, I suppose not..."  
  
####  
  
"Why the leotard, Ranma?"  
  
"For Kodachi. If I have to fight her again, maybe I can play  
with her mind a bit."  
  
"Like she HAS one," interjected Akane.  
  
####  
  
**glomp**  
  
"Shampoo! Accept my love! Accept that I am the true one for--"  
  
"DAMMIT, Mousse, I'm NOT SHAMPOO!"  
  
"S-Saotome? How DARE you impersonate my Sham--"  
  
WHOMP!  
  
"That, Daughter, I WILL admit was justified."  
  
"Stop giggling, Akane. Shouldn't have let you talk me into  
wearing this home..."  
  
####  
  
The group of shoppers (one disgruntled, one highly amused, and  
one satisfied in her efforts) returned to the Dojo, where they  
were met by the other two Tendo sisters. "Did you have a nice  
day?" Kasumi asked, cheerily. (As if she had another way to  
ask.)  
  
"Define nice," grumbled Ranma.  
  
"Now, dear, you did enjoy yourself a bit. You said yourself the  
fighting skirts do work, after all. Now, I can see you're tired,  
so you may have a bath-- not a hot one, mind you, you don't want  
to change, after all-- and then you may go for a blouse and  
slacks if you like."  
  
"Thanks, Mom," said Ranma with real gratitude, and dashed  
upstairs.  
  
Nodoka looked after her departing daughter-son, and smiled.  
Although she might not admit it, it was apparent to her that she  
was becoming a bit more comfortable with the clothing at least--  
if only because it wasn't forced on her as in the past, but of  
herown choice (Even if she HAD pressured her a bit).  
  
But this day had also shown her a bit more of the lunacy that was  
her child's lot in life. Well... who knows what she could do  
about that?  
  
If only Ranma hadn't insisted on that leather outfit... doubtless  
chosen to shock Nodoka. Ah, well, even a Anything Goes martial  
artist can be allowed a bit of rebellion. Just this once. Just  
this once...  
  
  
####  
  
End part two 


	3. Girl Days 3

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
By Robert Haynie  
  
(Insert that disclaimer that we all know so very well here)  
  
Part Three: Girls Day Out (of your mind)  
  
  
A week had passed since the training had begun. A week that  
Ranma had bit by bit slowly gotten used to. She'd found that there  
was a reason for the way that female undergarments were made-- they  
simply fit the female body better than a t-shirt and boxers. A bra  
resulted (after one got used to it) in increased comfort and less  
back-strain, panties were actually comfortable around... there.  
  
Today neither was actually a factor. Because it was very hot,  
very sunny, and no-one had any work to do-- not even, for once,  
Kasumi. This unusual state of affairs had resulted in Nabiki  
deciding to sunbathe.  
  
One thing led to another, and there were four sunbathers in the  
yard of the Tendo Dojo. Nabiki in one of her almost- not- there  
bikinis, Akane in a somewhat more demure bikini, Kasumi in a modest  
one-piece, and Ranma--  
  
In a bikini that was apparently in a war with Nabiki's as to  
whose was the more , well, less. Although the middle Tendo sister  
would never admit it, at the moment she was slightly jealous. Not  
that Ranma was looking as good as she was-- that didn't matter-- but  
that Ranma was at the moment as casual as she was about it.   
  
Actually, Ranma was having less problems with a bikini than she  
did with lingerie. Her curse pretty much meant she had to wear female  
swimwear, and she'd worn two-pieces before. This was just less of a  
two-piece, and the week's passing had made her a lot more comfortable  
with her female form. She wasn't HAPPY with it, of course-- but she  
was dealing with it. Nodoka's gentle encouragement probably had a  
lot to do with that.  
  
In fact-- although she would never really admit it openly-- Ranma  
rather liked the look of this particular piece. The basic design was  
of the classic "string" type, but instead of strings the rather...  
limited pieces of teal fabric were held in place by thin golden  
chains. At the moment Ranma looked a lot like something out of a  
Frazetta painting-- except a fair bit shorter.  
  
Ranma idly mused over the peculiar fact that her mother had  
picked this suit for her. Nodoka's usual ideas about proper female  
attire seemed to go straight through the shogi when it came to  
swimwear. One certainly couldn't SWIM in this-- so Ranma had decided  
it was for sunning. The onepieces would be for a pool or beach.  
  
Akane glanced over at the buxom redhead, and felt a familiar pang  
of denied jealousy-- and that jealousy was DEFINITELY about  
appearances. It had always seemed cosmically unfair that that  
arrogant, overbearing, insulting BOY should not only be a better  
martial artist than she was, but a better looking GIRL. If somewhere  
deep in her mind lurked the idea that Ranma's face and figure wasn't  
Ranma's fault, it wasn't coming out of hiding. No doubt because of  
the regular patrols of "Kill any nice thought about Ranma" troops  
that seemed to wander her mind at times.  
  
Ranma just sunned. For once, no raging Akane, no glomping  
Shampoo, no blind Mousse, no Kuno-- either of them-- and no screwy  
Ryo--  
  
"RANMA-- PREPARE TO DIEERRRRGH!"  
  
(Hmm...) thought Ranma. (That's not how it goes, usually, is  
it?)  
  
Ranma leaned up on one elbow, her hair untied at the moment and  
flowing free, unconsciously looking very much like an incredibly sexy  
girl in a very skimpy bikini. (Of course, at the moment, she WAS an  
incredibly sexy girl in a very skimpy bikini, but she didn't think of  
herself that way. Usually.) "Oh, Hi, P-chan. What's wrong? You  
don't look so hot."  
  
"Who... Who you call... urgh."  
  
Now, to understand what's happening here, we must look deep into  
the mind of Ryoga Hibiki. Ryoga, you see, has a problem with  
terminal shyness. Around a pretty girl he get's VERY flustered.  
Around a pretty and scantily clad girl the word flustered is no  
longer adequate and this writer doesn't think there is one in the  
English language to describe the state of mind Ryoga would be in.  
  
Faced with four pretty girls (of which three were definitely  
scantily clad and one wasn't wearing that much, really) Ryoga Hibiki  
did the only thing he could possibly do--  
  
Develop a major nosebleed and pass out.  
  
Simple hormonal overload for a man who had no idea what to do  
with his hormones.   
  
Akane stared at the lost boy doing a dead boy impression.  
"Ranma, stop... um... no, you weren't picking on him, were you?"  
True, Ranma had called Ryoga P-chan-- something that he did all the  
time, and that Akane had yet to figure out-- but that small insult  
shouldn't cause THIS kind of reaction. This was confusing to her.  
There wasn't anything she could blame Ranma for this time-- not  
really-- although she knew she SHOULD have been able to find  
something...  
  
Akane wasn't used to not knowing who or what to be angry at. So  
she did something she'd very seldom had ever done--  
  
She remained calm and watched.  
  
"Didn't lay a finger on him. C'mon, let's get the jerk  
inside..."  
  
####  
  
From a sea of darkness, Ryoga's mind rose slowly to a familiar  
sight... the ceiling of the Tendo Dojo. And above him was the face  
of an angel-- Akane Tendo, resplendent in a yellow sundress... and  
there was her sister, the clever Nabiki, in a robe, and her other  
sister, the kindly Kasumi, in another robe, and the other sister,  
Ra--  
  
Wait. Ranma wasn't a sister. Ranma wore a pigtail, not a  
ponytail. Ranma didn't wear a slightly oversized t-shirt with a  
Hokuto-no-Ken iron-on over her bikini. Her very interesting bi--  
  
Wait a moment.  
  
Ranma wasn't a HER! Not when he could help it! What the hell  
was going on?!? It had to be some devilish plot of Ranma's to take  
advantage of Akane, or to harass Ryoga, or probably BOTH!   
  
"Ranma-- I don't know what you think you're doing, but you aren't  
going to get away with this..."  
  
"Get away with what?"  
  
"Whatever... whatever it is that you're trying to get away with!"  
  
"Man, you're hopeless. I ain't tryin' to get away with anything.  
I'm just facing my femininity with masculine determination."  
  
"You're WHAT? No, don't EVEN try to explain! I KNOW your  
tricks! WHY ARE YOU WEARING A BIKINI?!?"  
  
"Because I think it's better for sunbathing. Nabiki and Akane  
agree with me there. Kasumi, well, each to their own right?"  
  
"That's NOT funny! Look, I can see Akane or Nabiki dressed like  
that--"  
  
"You did," interjected Nabiki, grinning. "That's why you passed  
out."  
  
Akane, of course, missed that totally.  
  
"I mean, I can't see HIM in a bi... Don't say it, I know I did,  
but that's not what I MEAN! I want an explanation!"  
  
And Ranma, sighing, explained the concept of Girl Days.  
  
####  
  
Ryoga stared at Ranma in mixed amusement and sympathy. As much  
as he detested his rival (or at least told himself he detested him--  
or her) he knew that this had to be hard on the girl-boy. Although  
Ranma seemed to be taking it with unusual calm. Well, that was  
probably just her innate stubbornness, refusing to be fazed.  
  
Assuming that the preposterous tale was true-- which Ryoga didn't  
believe for a second. No, this was just another in the long string  
of Ranma-esque lies.  
  
At that point, Nodoka came downstairs. "Hello, Ryoga-san.  
Ranma-chan (wince), Akane-chan, would you two do me a favor?"  
  
"Sure, Mom. What you need to get done?"  
  
"I need you to pick up some special rice for a special soup I'm  
teaching Kasumi. I thought we had some, but..."  
  
"Sure, I'll... um... that means going... out."  
  
Ranma had avoided leaving the Dojo since the shopping trip. She  
might have to dress like a girl and stay one, but she didn't exactly  
want anyone to SEE her. (Ryoga, Shampoo, the Kunos, and the like  
didn't in her opinion count-- it was NORMAL people she was  
embarrassed about being seen by.)   
  
"Ranma, part of being comfortable with your girl-side is being in  
public with it. It's time you started adjusting to that. Now, go  
upstairs and put on something nice."  
  
(She HAD to say something nice, didn't she. That means no blouse  
and slacks. Darn.)  
  
As the red-headed girl trudged up to her room, Akane glared at  
the Saotome matriarch. "Why do I have to go with that baka?"  
  
"Akane, you should speak more respectfully of your fiance. And  
such language is completely inappropriate for a young lady-- or  
indeed anyone." Nodoka's sudden glare was nearly as sharp as her  
omnipresent katana-- and nearly as cutting.  
  
"Gomen, Auntie..." Akane murmured.   
  
"At any rate, you are her fiancee, and she may need a few tips  
on acting properly in public. She's learning better behavior, but I  
don't want her alone at this period in training."  
  
Ryoga suddenly realized that everything Ranma had said was the  
truth. His mother WAS behind this. But that would mean it wasn't  
Ranma's fault. And EVERYTHING was Ranma's fault. So...  
  
So Ranma had somehow manipulated her mother into this, in some  
elaborate plan to embarrass Ryoga and take advantage of Akane! Now,  
if he could just figure out how this perversion was intended to do  
so...  
  
[Author's Note: The astute reader will notice that Ryoga Hibiki  
has what can best be described as a somewhat unusual logic system.  
Rather than going from facts to conclusion, one starts at the  
conclusion and jams the facts around it. And in the minds of the  
likes of Ryoga Hibiki and Tatewaki Kuno, we all KNOW what the  
conclusion is.]  
  
"If you say so," grumped Akane. One thing she had learned  
quickly-- what Nodoka Saotome wanted, Nodoka Saotome eventually got.   
  
Ranma hadn't yet learned the feminine concept of taking a long  
time to dress. So she came down the stairs fairly quickly-- and  
nearly sent Ryoga into shock.  
  
Ryoga hadn't quite gotten around the Girl Days concept as much as  
he thought he had. He'd expected, at most, Ranma in her usual  
Chinese clothes with a bra underneath.  
  
Instead, there was Ranma in a white blouse, gray miniskirt,  
stockings, a pair of black flats, and... and with her hair in a pony  
tail with a black bow. And earrings. And even, he realized with  
sheer confusion, a hint of blush and some pale pink lip-gloss.  
  
Ranma presented herself for inspection. Nodoka looked her over,  
and nodded. "Matching nicely, dear. I'm pleased. But aren't you  
forgetting something?"  
  
"What? I got the makeup right, didn't I?"  
  
"Yes, dear. But you forgot your purse. After all, you might  
want to stop for a cold drink on the way back, it's such a hot day."  
  
"Aw, crap. KNEW I'd forget something. The white handbag for  
this combo, right?"  
  
"Language, Ranma."  
  
"Gomen, mother."  
  
"And the white handbag should do nicely, Ranma-chan. (wince)  
Hurry up now..."  
  
As Ranma went to retrieve the forgotten accessory, Ryoga  
determined to follow her and find out just what the REAL plan was...  
  
####  
  
"You know the real reason Mom sent you with me, don'tcha?" Ranma  
said, her ponytail waving a bit in the slight breeze.  
  
"To keep an eye on you, baka. So you don't embarrass yourself."  
  
"Maybe," Ranma said morosely. "But she's also training you, the  
way I got it figured."  
  
"Training -- how do you figure that?" Akane stared at the  
redhead in sheer confusion. Had Ranma somehow noticed something she  
hadn't?  
  
"Yeah. You know she's always trying to get us together. Maybe  
she's more subtle than our fathers, but she's got the same agenda.  
Now, if I can't find a cure, and we do get married-- not that I'm say  
we will, o' course, just a what if-- she figures you're gonna have to  
get used to a husband who's a girl a lot of the time."  
  
Akane paled. What Ranma had said made perfect sense. "That's...  
That's DISGUSTING!"  
  
"Huh?" replied Ranma, suddenly knowing-- just KNOWING-- that  
Akane had once again leap to a conclusion that was NOT anywhere near  
what HE'D meant at all.  
  
"How can your mother want to train us to be LESBIANS?!?"  
  
"NO! That's NOT what I meant! I mean she just wants us to be  
able to deal with my curse, is all, she ain't thinking of nothin'  
like THAT!"  
  
Akane slowly relaxed. "No, you mother wouldn't think like that.  
You're right."  
  
Ranma also relaxed, until Akane added, "That's what a pervert  
like YOU is for."  
  
"Akane no baka."  
  
Akane smirked.  
  
  
####  
  
Ryoga followed, as stealthily as he could. Which, actually, was  
pretty stealthily.   
  
His stealth quotient went up rather severely as a splash of water  
from a passing car reduced his detection factor-- and his size--  
severely. Ryoga followed with a despairing "Bwee."  
  
P-chan carefully kept the two girls in sight, knowing that if he  
lost track of them his next stop could be practically anywhere in  
Japan-- or farther, even.   
  
To his great annoyance, the two girls seemed to be on at least  
cordial terms-- and then he heard Akane blurt out one word.  
  
"Lesbians?"  
  
And it all clicked in P-chan's rather peculiar mind. THAT was  
Ranma's vile plan-- to drag Akane into some sort of twisted lesbian  
relationship--  
  
No, that couldn't be right. Even RANMA wouldn't degrade himself  
to THAT level. It had to be something else. Something equally  
sinister, something...   
  
In aggravation at not being able to figure out Ranma's plan, he  
let out a frustrated "BWEEEE!"-- which Akane heard immediately.  
  
"P-chan!" Before the piglet had a chance to think, he was  
gathered into Akane's arms, and firmly-- VERY firmly-- hugged. As he  
began to pass out from a combination of lack of oxygen and proximity  
to Akane's... um... frontal area, she added, "Poor thing-- you're all  
wet again? You're always getting wet. Poor thing..."  
  
"Oh, JOY," murmured Ranma. "Wonder-swine strikes again."  
  
"What was that, Ranma?" asked Akane, eyes darkening.  
  
"Nothin'. Let's get that rice for Mom and get home."  
  
"Oh, Ranma. Sure you don't want to stop somewhere on the way  
back for a drink? It's awful hot today..."  
  
"Maybe... but I doubt it."  
  
As the two girls walked (and one pig was carried) to the  
specialty rice store, the day had been so far quiet, pleasant  
(within reason) and uneventful.  
  
Hands up, everyone, who KNOWS this ain't gonna last.  
  
####  
  
Akane was carrying P-chan. Ranma was carrying a 1-kilo bag of an  
obscure rice that Nodoka used in making a special soup. There were  
recipes that Kasumi didn't know (although at times that seemed  
impossible) and when Nodoka had first served the soup, Kasumi had  
almost begged her to teach her that recipe.   
  
Ranma was in full agreement there. "You know, Akane, TWO people  
able to make Mom's special shrimp and rice soup is gonna be heaven."  
  
"Hmm... maybe I should learn it too," replied Akane.  
  
Ranma for once kept her mouth shut instead of wondering if there  
was a Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Shrimp. Since she was  
walking slightly behind Akane, she was also spared the pounding that  
her expression would have initiated.  
  
"Ranma, it's so hot... are you sure you don't want to stop and  
have a soda or something?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm--" Ranma broke off, at a sign in a small ice-cream  
shop. Reading SALE. Two for One.   
  
"I'm actually kinda thirsty too... and a little hungry." She  
pointed, and Akane grinned in delight.  
  
"Trust you to find the best deals in snacking, Ranma! Let's go!"  
  
P-chan wondered if Ranma had some devilish scheme concerning  
Ice-cream.  
  
####  
  
The shop was new, and the sale was an effort to get new  
customers. The counterman smiled as two cute girls entered, one  
carrying a stuffed animal. Well, he thought it would be a stuffed  
animal. When the brunette put the piglet on the table, he realized  
it was alive. Probably a pet.  
  
"May I help you ladies?" he asked. Hmm... the brunette was cute,  
but the redhead was a knockout. Maybe he could find a way to ask her  
out in a little while.  
  
Scrutinizing the menu, and checking her purse, Ranma ordered.  
The counterman's eyes widened. "Um... you want all that? You know  
it's 2-for-1, right? So you only need to order half as much."  
  
"Hai. I understand. That's why I'm ordering what I'm ordering."  
  
"You really want four Banana splits and two strawberry sundaes and  
two jumbo Calpis? Just for yourself?"  
  
Ranma went into her Cute-As-A-Thousand-Buttons act. "Oh, it's so  
HOT, and I'm so very hungry... I'm sure I can finish it all!"  
  
The counterman smiled. "Miss, if you CAN, it's on the house, for  
you and your friend both. I'll have to see it to believe it. Can I  
get your pet anything?"  
  
Ranma looked at P-chan. "You want anything?"  
  
P-chan fumed. Yes, he DID, but how does a pig order?  
  
Akane said, to both their surprise, "Well, I'd like a chocolate  
parfait, and give the second one to P-chan. That's my piglet. I  
know he likes chocolate because I saw him eating some of mine."  
  
The counterman smiled. When the redhead failed to eat her whole  
order, he'd offer to pay himself, and get her to have a cup of tea  
and a few snacks later. Soon enough, he'd be able to build it into a  
relationship of sorts, and then...  
  
These dreams were dashed as the redhead began to tear into the  
various confections with a speed and skill that he'd always thought  
was reserved for the local pack of loony martial artists. And he'd  
never heard of martial arts ice-cream eating before. (He'd also  
never been to the Tendo Dojo at breakfast.)  
  
"Ranma," whispered Akane, "Your mother wanted you to eat more  
ladylike, remember?"  
  
Ranma reluctantly slowed down-- a bit. From a vacuum she shifted  
into a feminine but still accelerated pace. As each confection  
arrived, she would eat them very neatly but very fast, and the  
counterman suddenly decided that if he took this girl out for tea and  
snacks he'd rapidly be a pauper. Oh, well...  
  
As the last bit of sundae vanished, and Ranma sipped her Calpis,  
the counterman approached, grimacing. "You win, miss. Have to say,  
I'm impressed. I thought only a martial artist could do something  
like that."  
  
Ranma blinked. "Well... SHE'S a martial artist (pointing at  
Akane) and I've picked up a few tips from her."  
  
Akane began to freak. Ranma was not only being nice, she was  
being modest. This was definitely weird. Then she caught the  
twinkle in Ranma's eyes, and realized that it was a new form of  
teasing.  
  
"Oh, no," retorted Akane. "SHE'S the real martial artist, I'm  
just an amateur."  
  
The counterman stared as the first Anything-Goes Martial Arts  
Humility contest began.  
  
So did P-chan, who was still nose-deep in his parfait. What was  
Ranma DOING?!? Had his time in this female body warped his mind?   
  
"Oh, Akane-chan, but you're so strong! Almost as strong as a  
boy!"  
  
"But RanKO-Chan (Ranma DOUBLE winced) you're so graceful and  
smooth-- like a fine ballerina!"  
  
"OOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!!!!!"  
  
Ranma and Akane blinked. That didn't sound like either of them--  
oh, NO.  
  
"THERE you are, you fiendish harridan! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH  
MY RANMA-SAMA?!?!?"  
  
To Kodachi's (You KNEW it was her, didn't you?) surprise, Ranma  
stood, bowed, and said, "I'm sorry, Mister Counterman, but I have to  
go outside, because this girl wants to start a fight, and you've been  
SO nice to me, so I don't want to get your store broken."  
  
Akane took Ranma's lead (for once). "Hai. We hope to come  
again. Thank you for your excellent service."  
  
As the two girls left, pig and rice in hand, Ranma whispered,  
"Did I do that right?"  
  
"Yeah, I suppose. Nodoka-san's been teaching you pretty well, it  
seems."  
  
"Wait-- where are you going? I haven't thrashed you yet!"  
protested Kodachi. This was, as it were, not in the script. She'd  
intended to force the location of her beloved Ranma-sama from the  
red-haired witch, and said red-haired witch wasn't playing fair.   
  
"If you require a fight, Kodachi-san, we should do it outside."  
  
Kodachi Kuno was... confused. So confused that she stood frozen  
for an entire minute before screaming and dashing out the door after  
the now rapidly running girls (and pig).  
  
####  
  
"We lost her yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Damn. Guess I'll have to fight her. I hate fighting girls."  
  
"Right now, you ARE a girl."  
  
"Hmm... maybe you're right... but I don't wanna hit her..."  
  
"Can you think of a girl you'd more want to hit?"  
  
"I have an idea, actually."  
  
"It's a day of Miracles."  
  
"Ha ha ha. It is to laugh."  
  
As Kodachi approached, Ranma moved into a combat stance. The  
miniskirt, as designed, unsnapped at the bottom and the velcro at the  
side-hems separated, both giving freedom of movement and revealing a  
bit more leg. (Why it doesn't unsnap while running, only while  
fighting, is a mystery of Anime. Don't worry too much about it,  
you'll get a headache.)  
  
Now, this writer COULD go into great detail about the fight. He  
could, but he's not going to. Because for once there wasn't a  
fight-- not EXACTLY-- what there WAS was a chain of events that was  
at best described as... well, actually, pretty much normal for Nerima.  
  
Kodachi, deciding to start with a distracting maneuver, shot out  
a ribbon and lassoed P-chan.  
  
Akane screamed in rage.  
  
P-chan bweeeeed in mixed rage and terror.  
  
Ranma suddenly found herself at a loss. She couldn't endanger  
P-chan-- well, she COULD, but that would get Akane mad at her and  
they'd been getting along so well this afternoon. She began to run  
through options while shifting to a defensive stance.  
  
Kodachi shot the ribbon-bound P-chan at Ranma.  
  
Ranma dodged, and P-chan zipped back to Kodachi like a porcine  
yo-yo.  
  
Akane charged, and got a facefull of black rose petals-- which  
clung. The now blind Akane started scrabbling at them.  
  
Shampoo came by on her bicycle from hell, and saw Ranma. She  
wasn't certain WHY Ranma had taken to dressing like a girl and  
staying in girltype, but she had come to the conclusion that for some  
nefarious purpose Akane had used some strange mind controlling  
substance (It's what SHE would have done, after all), so she  
rocketed towards Ranma, crying "Airen! Shampoo save you from pervert  
girl's girl-spell!", and preparing to execute a classic Amazon Glomp  
(tm).  
  
Ranma began to sweatdrop. THIS she did not need.  
  
Shampoo tossed her ramen order aside, which slammed into Kodachi,  
causing her to fumble her next pig-attack, and wrap her ribbon  
loosely around her.  
  
Akane continued to scrabble at the rose petals blinding her.  
  
A large bowl of steaming hot ramen and broth landed right on top  
of P-chan. The results were... predictable.  
  
Kodachi realized that the ribbons had suddenly become much more  
snug. And that something was pressing against her.  
  
Ryoga realized that he was pressed against a very curvy girl in a  
skimpy leotard, he couldn't move, and... he was naked.  
  
Akane managed to get the rose petals off, and STARED in absolute  
shock at the sight of a bare-nekkid Ryoga tied to a completely  
flustered Kodachi.  
  
Ranma continued to be chased by Shampoo, and hadn't noticed the  
bizarre tableaux unveiling next to her.  
  
Shampoo suddenly stopped, and stared. Ranma, realizing that  
Shampoo had stopped, turned-- and stared.  
  
Akane murmured, "Ryoga, how could you..."  
  
Shampoo sputtered, "Lost boy doing HENTAI things now? That NOT  
right!"  
  
Kodachi snarled, "You PEASANT! How DARE you embrace the Black  
Rose in such a state of... of... stateness!"  
  
Akane growled, "I always thought I could trust YOU, Ryoga, but  
this... THIS..."  
  
Shampoo added, "Lost boy get really lost, but some places Lost  
Boy should NOT get lost!"  
  
Kodachi FUMED as Ryoga tried to squirm free-- which looked to all  
concerned as though he was trying to do something entirely different.  
  
Akane screamed, "RYOGA! YOU'RE--- YOU'RE A WORSE PERVERT THAN  
RANMA!!!"  
  
Shampoo advanced, bonbori in hand.  
  
"GET THIS MOLESTER OFF ME!" screamed Kodachi.  
  
Ryoga began to stammer, "But... but... it's not what it looks  
like... it's not my fault, I didn't mean to, I mean, I..."  
  
And as three girls began to perform their sworn duty to punish  
all perverts, a fourth one collapsed next to a tree, laughing her  
red-headed butt off.  
  
####  
  
"It HAS to be your fault, SOMEHOW."  
  
Ranma handed Ryoga another bandage. "Hey, sorry. But now you  
have some idea of the kind of crap that happens to me all the time."  
  
"You deserve it. I don't. Why didn't you explain that it was an  
accident?"  
  
"Well... that would have meant explaining about P-chan. Now, if  
you don't care, and it happens again, I could--"  
  
"NO! All right. Maybe just this once it wasn't your fault. But  
it SHOULD have been."  
  
"Man, you are SUCH an idiot." Ranma wrinkled her nose. "Anyhow,  
even if Akane no longer thinks it's your fault-- even though she has  
no idea how you got into that kind of predicament-- she's not happy  
with you right now. You may want to go on a training trip for a  
while."  
  
"I hate it when you're right. But I still don't trust this Girl  
Days thing. I still think you're up to something."  
  
"I am. A week in bras and panties so far."  
  
"Oh, VERY funny."  
  
The Eternal Lost Boy hefted his pack, and started to leave. Then  
he paused, and added, "Does that sort of misunderstanding really  
happen to you every day?"  
  
"Nah. Only about four-five days a week."  
  
"I never thought I'd say this-- but man-- Girl, I feel for you."  
  
And Ryoga Hibiki walked off into the sunset. Which was a pity as  
he'd meant to head north.  
  
####  
  
End part three  



	4. Girl Days 4

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(insert that old disclaimer that we know so well here)  
  
Part Four-- Amazon Days?  
  
####  
  
"Aw, come ON."  
  
"Don't wanna, Akane."  
  
"But you look so kawaii in that outfit, Ranma-chan."  
  
"(wince) Don't WANNA, Kasumi."  
  
"I'll... knock 5000 yen off your debt."  
  
"..."  
  
"AND buy you that DragonBall Z volume."  
  
"Deal."  
  
And Ranma Saotome went to her room to change into THAT dress.  
  
####  
  
If there was anything truly good about the Girl Days training, it  
was that Ranma had her own room. And that Pops was sleeping in the  
dojo (being banished there by Nodoka, who had NOT quite forgiven him  
for his apparent desire to win the all time baka award). The room  
had been slightly redecorated, true-- Ranma needed the vanity for her  
makeup practice, and had a small but now complete wardrobe-- but it  
was HERS, all hers.  
  
It was also somewhat schizophrenic to the uninformed eye.  
  
In tribute to her masculine soul, there were a few Jackie Chan  
posters, a collection of shonen manga, and a box containing her-- at  
the moment-- forbidden boxer shorts.  
  
In tribute to Nodoka's firm belief that there was also a feminine  
soul involved, there was fancily feminine sheets on Ranma's futon, a  
full size mirror, and... two stuffed animals.  
  
Ranma was REALLY beginning to worry about her mother. The  
stuffed panda was, she supposed, a sop to her no longer sleeping with  
her father. as if she missed THAT.  
  
But the plush black pig toy? Either Nodoka was WAY more  
observant than Ranma thought or there was some really really WIERD  
cosmic something-that-Ranma-couldn't-remember-the-word-for going on.  
Probably both.  
  
Ranma sighed... and put on the Dress.  
  
####  
  
"Oooh... it looks SO good on you, Ranma!" Nabiki teased.   
  
While Ranma fumed.  
  
It was a Chinese-styled minidress, pretty much the same thing  
that Shampoo favored. A deep burgundy with gold trim and embroidery,  
it had one advantage as far as Ranma was concerned-- it did not  
require a bra. It fit WAY to close for that-- it was (as Genma was  
not) self supporting. It made Ranma look... well... sexy. Which  
Ranma was not entirely pleased with.  
  
"Wrong panties, though," added Nabiki, flipping what there was of  
the skirt.  
  
"HEY! What is this, pervert's 'r' us?" protested Ranma.  
  
"Oh, calm down. I just mean that with such a sexy outfit, you  
should wear underwear that matches it. Losing a lot of the effect  
that way, after all."  
  
"Don't WANNA make any effect," grumbled Ranma, trying disparately  
not to blush-- and failing miserably.  
  
"Oh, my... Nabiki, is that really needful? Ranma's not going to  
be showing anyone her panties, after all," said a equally reddening  
Kasumi.  
  
"In that dress, can she HELP it? OW!"   
  
Ranma didn't hit girls. Akane had no such compunctions, and had  
elbowed Nabiki with some force.  
  
"All right, all right. But I still say... in fact..."  
  
(I'm NOT gonna like this, I just KNOW it,) thought the trainee  
girl.  
  
"Makeover time!"  
  
(I was right.)  
  
####  
  
"If I may quote Kuno-- I despise you."  
  
Nabiki just laughed. "But you look so Amazon, Ranma."  
  
"That's why I despise you," retorted Ranma, looking in the  
mirror. Nabiki had redone her hair in a style reminiscent of  
Shampoos-- shorter, but there were the twin buns and ponytails.  
Short ponytails, but there. If Shampoo had been a redhead the look  
would have been scary. Hell, thought Ranma, it WAS scary.  
  
Akane hmmphed. "Next she'll start glomping people."  
  
"Akane, you KNOW I don't like it when she does that," Ranma  
complained.  
  
"Then why don't you just push her off, baka?"  
  
"It's not that easy. The Amazon Glomp happens to be a very  
advanced martial arts maneuver. You can't just push the attacker  
off, except in one way, which... which I don't wanna do."  
  
"I don't believe this! You're trying to tell me that that  
bimbo's hugs are some sort of martial arts?"  
  
"You got it," Ranma replied.  
  
"Hmmph. Prove it."  
  
Ranma got a wicked gleam in her eye. "OK."  
  
Now, Ranma had been on the receiving end of many many Amazon  
Glomps. She knew EXACTLY how they were done. And she decided that  
the only way Akane would understand would be to... heh.  
  
"AIREN!"  
  
"H-huh?" stammered Akane-- before finding herself in a fierce  
embrace. Ranma was hugging her. Passionately. Akane struggled for  
a moment, and then realized that this was EASY to get out of, just  
like she'd told Ranma. All she had to do was push--  
  
And Akane went tomato red as she realized WHERE she'd have to  
push.  
  
"Wo Ai Ni," giggled Ranma.  
  
"Ranma-- I can't just grab your-- your-- so, that's why..."  
  
Ranma released the Glomp. "Yep. I get hammered enough without  
grabbing her THERE in front of you. Not that I wanna grab her there  
away from you... but now you see?"  
  
Somewhat shamefacedly, Akane nodded. "It's... a martial arts  
technique, after all, I guess..."  
  
Nabiki pulled out a paperback, and thumbed through it. "More  
like a marital arts technique. Grabbing an Amazon's boobs during a  
glomp to escape implies total acceptance of the professed marriage."  
  
Ranma and Akane blinked. "It DOES?" they sputtered in unison.  
  
"Yep. Good thing Ranma never did use the escape maneuver, eh?"  
  
Ranma shuddered at the thought that she'd come very very close to  
really getting herself in a bind at times. Then she paused. "Hey,  
how do you know that, Nabiki?"  
  
Nabiki held up the paperback. "The Pocket guide to Chinese  
Amazon Law. I bought it off the internet."  
  
"Where do they sell something like THAT?!?"  
  
"Amazon.com. Hmm... you think there's a connection?"  
  
Ranma, Akane, and even Kasumi groaned.  
  
Nabiki paused, and then that look in her eyes appeared. The one  
that meant she had an idea that was connected to her one interest in  
life outside of money (that she would admit to). Mischief.  
  
"You know, something didn't look right about that glomp...  
c'mere, Akane."  
  
"What? Wait-- lemme go, what are you doing?" protested Akane as  
Nabiki dragged her out of the room. As they left, Nabiki added, "And  
Ranma, don't change yet."  
  
Kasumi and Ranma stared at each other, as sounds of protest came  
from another room. Then Nabiki returned, Akane in tow-- and Kasumi  
giggled furiously, while Ranma just fell back laughing, legs kicking  
in air in sheer hilarity.  
  
Akane just stood and fumed, in one of Ranma's Chinese outfits--  
black pants, red sleeveless shirt, arm bracers-- even a clip-on faux  
pigtail.   
  
"NOW you two look right," snickered Nabiki.  
  
"It's not that funny, Ranma," growled Akane.  
  
Ranma looked at her with sudden wide eyes. And in a  
devastatingly accurate Shampoo impression, replied, "Ranma think  
Akane look nice like that. Akane take Ranma to date now?"  
  
Nabiki collapsed in laughter.  
  
"Oh, my... there is something missing still, I think." Kasumi  
left the room.  
  
"Now what?" grimaced Akane.  
  
In a moment, Kasumi returned. "Ranma's friends are always  
leaving their toys, and this completes the look." She presented  
Ranma with a pair of bonbori.  
  
This time, everyone started to laugh. Even Ranma, who posed with  
the Chinese maces, and activated her "Cute as a million puppies"  
look.   
  
"This is TOO rich... Oh, Akane? Ranma? Want to have some fun?"  
  
"Whatcha mean, Nabiki?" asked Ranma.  
  
"Well... our fathers are downstairs, and..."  
  
Akane grinned. And doing a surprisingly good impression of  
Ranma's usual masculine drawl, replied, "Might be kinda fun. But  
don't get the idea I wanna dress like this all the time. Ain't like  
I got no masculinity to reinforce, after all."  
  
Ranma collapsed in laughter again.  
  
####  
  
"My wife's plans worry me, Tendo."  
  
"I'm sure she means well, Saotome. But they worry me also.  
Suppose she succeeds too well?"  
  
The two were again at the table they seemed to spend half their  
lives at. Weither shogi, go, or chess, there was always some game  
going on. Although this game wasn't any of the above.  
  
"Tapping for three red mana. Fireball."  
  
"I have to admit, Tendo, this Magic is interesting."  
  
"It is, isn't it? And--"  
  
"Look-- the Winged Victory of Samothrace!" interrupted Genma,  
pointing. While Soun looked, Genma drew a Circle of Protection-Red  
from his sleeve and laid it down.  
  
Soun looked back. "I didn't see any-- when did you play that?  
Oh, well..."  
  
It should be noted that the main reason that Soun and Genma never  
played Tic-Tac-Toe or Junken Pow was that there was no way to cheat.  
  
At the dinner table, Nodoka sighed, and returned to her tea.  
Sometimes she despaired of her husband ever truly growing up. She  
looked up at the sound of slippered feet coming downstairs, and began  
to scowl. Ranma KNEW she wasn't supposed to wear her Chinese--  
  
Wait. That wasn't Ranma.  
  
"Akane, why are you dressed like that?"  
  
"Ah, felt like a change, ne? Ain't anything wrong with that, is  
there?" Akane replied, imitating Ranma again.  
  
Genma turned, and boggled. Soun took advantage of Genma's  
distraction to sneak in five extra life tokens, and then looked  
himself-- and also boggled.  
  
"Akane," Soun cried, "What are you WEARING?"  
  
"S'matter, pops? Girl can't try out a different style once in a  
while? Yeesh, you'd think I was running around naked or sumpthin'."  
  
Nodoka stared.  
  
So did Soun.  
  
And Genma. There was much staring going around.  
  
"Akane should be respectful to elders. Even if only men. Except  
probably stupid panda-man," a lilting voice interjected.  
  
Staring escalated to boggling to nearly freaking. A Ranma-esqe  
Akane was weird enough. An Amazon Ranma was... well, about three  
blocks south of the Twilight Zone, and approaching at a quick clip.  
  
Ranma easily skipped down the stairs, carrying her bonbori, and  
grinning. "What wrong? Panda never see Japanese Amazon before?"  
  
"Ah, yer old man never had a clue in the first place," retorted  
Akane.  
  
Soun exploded into tears. "WAHHHHH! My daughter think's she's a  
boy and my future son-in-law thinks he's a amazon girl!  
WAHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
"Nodoka, this is all your fault! Your insane training has caused  
our son's mind to snap!" accused Genma.  
  
And Nodoka-- began to giggle. "Bravo, dears. An excellent  
performance."  
  
The two bowed. Well, Akane bowed, but Ranma-- in a burst of  
sudden pixieness-- curtsied. "Mother too nice to Ranma," she  
replied, keeping the act up.  
  
"Yeah," Akane added, following suit, "Pretty decent of ya to say  
so."  
  
As the two fathers stared, still uncomprehending, Nodoka burst  
into laughter.   
  
"Hey," Nabiki interjected (having just come out of hiding with  
Kasumi), "You two are pretty good at this. I have a little  
proposition for you...  
  
####  
  
"So we do this all day, and I get 20000 off my debt and THREE DBZ  
manga volumes?"  
  
"And I get that kawaii hat I liked the other day?"  
  
"That's the deal, you two." Nabiki smiled.  
  
"But what do you get out of it for yourself?" asked Ranma. "I  
don't see where you profit by this..."  
  
"Oh, for once, it's not about money. It's about the single  
greatest practical joke ever played on the whole ward of Nerima. You  
two in?"  
  
The two wrongly dressed girls looked at each other.  
  
"Ranma in."  
  
"Yeah, sure, I'll go for it too. Can't let the neo-bimbo go it  
alone."  
  
"Girls who call other girls names go to bad place."  
  
"What-- like your room?"  
  
"Oooh! Akane want come Ranma's room? Have only to ask!"  
  
"That's not what I meant..." Akane actually sweatdropped.  
  
Nabiki smiled. These two were GOOD at this...   
  
####  
  
Akane stepped down to the dojo to practice for a bit. Nabiki had  
insisted that they go out in the costumes (as Akane was thinking of  
them now) but not right away. She started a simple kata that she'd  
learned once from Ranma.  
  
And froze at the sudden cry of "AIREN!" that she recognized as  
NOT being Ranma.  
  
Crash.  
  
Glomp.  
  
"Airen take Shampoo out on date? Airen... airen is... pervert  
girl?"  
  
Akane hesitated for a moment-- only a moment-- and then got into  
"character".  
  
"Who you callin' a pervert? You're the one glomping ME, you  
know."  
  
Shampoo released her hold, and drew back. "But.. but... why  
Akane dressed like Ranma?"  
  
"I ain't dressed like Ranma," replied Akane, with technical  
accuracy. Ranma wasn't dressed like this right now after all.  
  
"Why Akane TALK like Ranma?" demanded Shampoo.  
  
"Aw, Shampoo, Ranma don't talk like I do." At the moment, this  
ALSO was factual.  
  
"But... but..."  
  
"RAMEN-GIRL GET AWAY FROM AIREN!"  
  
If the sight of Akane dressed like Ranma-- and TALKING like  
Ranma-- wasn't enough, the sight of a Ranma dressed like herself and  
TALKING like herself was. Shampoo began to edge towards the door.  
(Not the one she'd just made-- the real door. THAT'S how rattled she  
was.)  
  
Ranma advanced, bonbori in hand. "Akane RANMA'S Airen, not  
ramen-girl's! Ramen-girl leave Akane alone!"  
  
Shampoo began to sweat. "Why... why Ranma dressed like... "  
  
"Ramen-girl leave Akane alone, or Ranma get very upset!"  
  
Shampoo did the only thing she could think of.  
  
She freaked and ran.   
  
Akane burst into giggles. "I don't think she knew how to handle  
that, Ranma..."  
  
Ranma smirked. "Ramen-girl leave bicycle behind. Ranma have  
transport now... heh."  
  
"Yeah. Ya gotta return it, though."  
  
"Why? Is spoils of war."  
  
"War?"  
  
"Hai. Psychological war. Ranma learn from Mercenary girl."  
  
"You don't have to be THAT accurate, Ranma," interjected Nabiki  
(who had watched the entire scene), with a wince.  
  
"Do right, or not at all, hai?"  
  
Akane smirked-- a very Ranma-esqe smirk-- at Nabiki's grimace.  
"Yeah, what she said. 'Sides, we both know you gonna find some way  
to make a yen or three outta this."  
  
(What have I done?) thought Nabiki.  
  
####  
  
  
"HIBACHAN! HIBACHAN! RANMA TURN INTO SHAMPOO!!!"  
  
Cologne stared at her panicky great-grandaughter in sheer  
amazement. Shampoo was-- for once-- totally terrified. "Calm down  
girl. What are you babbling about?"  
  
"Ranma turn into Shampoo!"  
  
The Amazon matriarch blinked. "Son-in-law has become hair soap?"  
  
"Not shampoo, Shampoo! Ranma dressing like Shampoo and talking  
like Shampoo and carrying bonbori! And pervert girl is dressing like  
Ranma and talking like Ranma! Is VERY scary!"  
  
Cologne blinked. "That is... peculiar. Not so much that Ranma  
might be acting oddly-- these things do happen to him, after all...  
but that Akane is. I see that I shall have to investigate. Mousse,  
we're closing early today."  
  
"Quack."  
  
"Well, we're closing early today after the kettle has heated up."  
  
####  
  
Ranma and Akane went for a walk, at the insistence of Nabiki.  
After all, part of the joke was to be seen in public in the  
not-exactly-cross-dressing-garb.  
  
Akane was beginning to understand a little bit more about Ranma  
at the moment. Ranma had apparently decided to play Shampoo to the  
hilt-- which meant that the somewhat shorter red-headed girl was  
hanging onto Akane with much the same fervor that a barnacle holds  
onto a ship. Only more affectionate.  
  
Ranma was, on the other hand, getting a little of her own back.   
  
"Wo ai ni," she giggled.  
  
"Aw, do ya have ta do that?"  
  
Ranma put on a carefully crafted expression of sudden sadness.  
"Akane not care for Ranma's devotion?"  
  
"Grrrrr...." Akane responded eloquently.   
  
Ranma giggled again.   
  
Nabiki followed, camera in hand, stifling as best she could  
giggles.   
  
And then--  
  
####  
  
Tatewaki Kuno knew that something was amiss, but he could not  
quite put his finger upon the flaw in the fabric of what was proper  
and right.  
  
True, the fire-haired goddess had been freed from Saotome's  
evil-- her change in dress and hairstyle, her new demeanor, her very  
increase in presence, all attested to this. Doubtless the sorcerer  
had finally realized that he was no match for the noble and  
courageous Kuno, and had finally fled.  
  
Yet, for reasons he could not comprehend, his twin loves still  
rejected his ardor. Perhaps there was some lingering effect of the  
vile magus' enchantment, keeping them from professing their  
inevitable devotion to himself.   
  
That must be it. Surely 'twas a aftereffect of the vile  
Saotome's spells. Doubtless in a few days it would wane, and then  
they would gladly rush to his welcoming arms. Ah, such bliss! His  
only problem now (such a sweet pain) would be to finally choose  
between the two...  
  
He paused, and stared. What was this? Was this the Demon  
returned-- nay, twas a maiden dressed alike to him, but not he. And  
in the company of another maiden-- one of the same line as the girl  
at the noodle emporium he had seen from time to time, from her dress.  
  
"Pardon me, ladies. I seek one Akane Tendo, or the flame-haired  
goddess that is sometimes in her company. Do you know either of  
these angels?"  
  
The two lasses merely stared at him. Doubtless stunned into  
silence by his masculinity and sheer presence. Silent they were,  
gazing at him.   
  
A pity. Both were fair of face and form, though the dark-haired  
one was unflatteringly clad. Were it not for his two true loves, he  
might have been interested... Ah, but how could anyone match their  
fire?  
  
Besides, from the way the smaller lass held to the larger, 'twas  
apparent they were of that benighted type that held an attraction to  
their own gender. Such were not for him.  
  
"I see that you do not... Then, farewell."  
  
And Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, left on his  
eternal quest.  
  
Which, one may note, wasn't QUITE in the same world as everyone  
else.  
  
####  
  
"THAT was weird."  
  
"Ranma agree."  
  
"You wanna let go now?"  
  
"OK..."  
  
####  
  
Cologne was concerned. For about a week Ranma had been quite  
reclusive, and then three days ago he had reappeared-- in his female  
form, wearing female clothing. Shampoo had been somewhat disjointed  
in her report, due to something about a public bondage display  
between Ryoga and Kodachi (which was, of course, ludicrous on the  
face of it). After checking her spice cabinets to make sure that  
Shampoo hadn't prepared her lunch with a seasoning that she shouldn't  
have, she had instructed her great-grand-daughter to simply monitor  
the situation and report.  
  
The reports were disturbing. Ranma had popped up again, but  
every time in female aspect and garments. He'd also been reported to  
be somewhat more polite and speaking-- at times-- in an almost  
feminine manner. Yesterday Shampoo had entered shaken, reporting  
that Ranma was doing his kata dressed in a spandex halter and shorts  
combo. That was part of the reason that Mousse was a duck right  
now-- Shampoo had explained the outfit by showing a popular exercise  
program featuring startlingly attractive girls in spandex doing  
workouts on a beach. Mousse had asked why Shampoo didn't ever dress  
like that. Splashing followed.  
  
First a miniskirt. Then the aerobics outfit, and later that day,  
a cut-off shorts and camisole top. Now this--   
  
Cologne wanted a son-in-law. A daughter-in-law wasn't in the  
equation.  
  
####  
  
While Cologne approached the Dojo, Ranma and Akane, Nabiki  
following close behind, continued their walk. Ranma seemed somewhat  
subdued, in contrast to the previous hilarity.  
  
"What's eating you?" asked Akane, staying-- as best she could--  
in "character".  
  
"Ranma have bad feeling."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Bad feeling. Like someone attack Ranma for no good reason."  
  
"Aaah, when does that ever happen?"  
  
Ranma started ticking fingers. "Lost boy, Herb, Copycat Ken,  
stupid Pantyhose monster boy, old pervert..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Cute spatula girl..."  
  
Akane growled.  
  
"Ramen girl, ramen girl's hibachan, tomboy-- lots, silly boy that  
dress like girl, stick boy all the time..."  
  
"All RIGHT! I get the idea! You don't have ta hammer it in, ya  
know."  
  
"Ranma not hammer in. That Violent girl's trick."  
  
Akane fumed a bit. And then, reluctantly, said, "OK. Two points  
for you."  
  
"Anyway, Ranma just have feeling... bad one."  
  
Before Akane could either mock Ranma's intuition, or begin to  
fear that there might be something to it, a ringing voice carried  
through the streets--  
  
"At last! I KNEW it! One with such fire, with such  
perseverance, HAD to be one of the fabled Amazons of the Josuketzu!  
Why you have come to this benighted country, I know not-- but after a  
year of searching, I have found you-- and now shall challenge you to  
make you mine!"  
  
"Ranma KNEW it."  
  
"Yah. What you said."  
  
The figure before the two misdressed girls was impressive, of  
course. They nearly always WERE. Tall, muscular, flowing pale-blue  
hair and the classic not quite bishonen looks that most girls would  
swoon over, he wore a jet-black tunic with gold trim over snow-white  
tights, a flowing cape of red silk that fairly rippled in the sudden  
and overly-convienient wind, gleaming black riding boots, and an  
expression of regal hauteur.   
  
"Let Ranma guess. You prince?"  
  
"Why, yes. Prince--"  
  
"Of mystical kingdom?"  
  
"Ah, yes. As I was saying, Prin--"  
  
"Somewhere in China or like that?" added Akane, seeing where this  
was going.  
  
"India, actually. I am Pri--"  
  
"Not interested," snapped Ranma. "Prince do it wrong, anyhow.  
Is Akane who princes bother, not Ranma."  
  
The two passed the somewhat startled prince without another word.  
He stared at the two, in momentary confusion, and then chuckled.  
  
"So... so proud, so apparently uncaring. Well, Amazon Ranma,  
nonetheless you WILL be my bride."  
  
And from a nearby alleyway, Nabiki Tendo smirked.  
  
This could be amusing...  
  
####  
  
"So, this is a training method to resolve Son-in-law's difficulty  
with his female state?"  
  
"Yes, Cologne-san. And please do not call Ranma Son-in-law. As  
I have said, I do not recognise the validity of Shampoo's claim."  
  
Cologne sighed. The opposition of a mother was something that  
even she could not easily wave off. However, that was a matter for  
another day. "Have you any idea why he-- or she, if you prefer-- is  
imitating Shampoo, or why Akane is imitating son-- ah, Ranma?"  
  
"It's a game."  
  
"Game?"  
  
"Yes. Nabiki dared them to after they talked Ranma into that  
particular dress. Ranma's not fond of that one, you see, but the  
others wanted to see her in it, and things got a bit silly. You know  
how young girls can be, sometimes."  
  
"I do. I wasn't aware that Ranma did, however. I shall explain  
it to Shampoo-- frankly, I hope that she will be relieved." Cologne  
began to chuckle. "And to be honest, I do think it's a very good joke  
after all. I'm pleased to know that Ranma hasn't gone insane."  
  
"On the contrary. I hope to preserve her sanity with this  
training."  
  
"Actually, I approve. Becoming more accepting of 'her' female  
side will make her a better husband for... whoever. Also, should our  
claim come out successful, she will have greater status in the  
village, being able to claim a position not only as Shampoo's  
husband, but I think as a true Amazon warrior."  
  
"Should that improbability occur, she should be pleased."  
  
"Let us discuss the present situation at my restaurant. After I  
explain the Girl Days to Shampoo..."  
  
####  
  
"Come, I will take you in my arms and-- Augh."  
  
"Six times so far today, right? That guy's gotta be a bigger  
idiot than Kuno EVER was."  
  
Ranma looked where she'd hammered the as yet unnamed prince into  
the pavement. For the third time. He'd also been punted into LEO  
twice and embedded in a wall once.  
  
"Prince tough, but rotten fighter. Stick-boy better than prince.  
Prince take lots of punishment, though."  
  
"Yeah. He's like that toy rabbit on that tape of American  
commercials that Nabiki has."  
  
Ranma giggled. Some of those American commercials were pretty  
funny.  
  
"Prince using right batteries?"  
  
Akane snickered. "Yeah, guess so."  
  
"Your... your love will sure... surely bloom, m-my A-amazon  
flow--"  
  
Punt.  
  
"Hey-- why Akane do that?"  
  
"Aw, it was my turn, you've had all the fun today."  
  
####  
  
Prince Midol of Kasarikustan sat in his rather cheap hotel room  
and puzzled. For some reason his unlimited prowess at battle served  
him somewhat less than well in the pursuit of the Amazon Ranma. It  
was almost as though she did not return his affections-- which was,  
of course impossible. Apparently Amazons played hard to get with  
more fervor than the maidens of his own mystical kingdom.   
  
Kasarikustan was, as mystical kingdoms went, less than  
impressive. The shining golden castle was beginning to peel, the  
magical lake wasn't very large and was somewhat cloudy, rather than  
clear and crystalline, and the population was by and large very  
ordinary. In fact, sub-ordinary.  
  
(Author's Note: The lake in question, by the way, was the  
not-very-famous-at-all Lake Kipper, noted for it's truly amazing  
ability to pickle herring in sixteen seconds-- not much of a magical  
lake, true, but enough to qualify Kasarikustan as a mystical kingdom.  
In other words, No, it's NOT another failed cure for Ranma. It is,  
however, an excellent cure for fish.)  
  
Midol was the greatest warrior of his kingdom. But since his  
kingdom consisted almost completely of terminally clumsy morons and  
scrawny twerps that Gosunkugi could easily take four falls out of  
five-- with a one fall handicap-- this didn't mean much when in a  
place like Nerima, where even the ordinary passerby was quite likely  
to have a dan rating in a martial art-- even if it was something as  
ludicrous as Martial Arts Cheese-toast-making.   
  
Midol looked out the window of his room and sighed. About a year  
ago, he'd seen the red-headed angel leaving the fabled Amazon village  
accompanied by a panda. Doubtless she was a wandering warrior, going  
into the world to test her skills, he'd decided. What other  
explanation for one who had tamed a panda as her pet? Her beauty,  
her grace, and her speed was an inspiration. Surely the others in  
the village thought so as well, for they had sent someone to find her  
and convince her to return, rather than leave them bereft of her  
magnificent presence.  
  
He lost her trail a few days later, and asking about heard that  
she had gone to Japan. Desperate to find her, he asked a passerby  
the quickest way to transport to that fabled land of uncooked fish  
and strange cartoons. In retrospect, perhaps he should have found  
another to ask than the sharp-toothed lad with the umbrella.  
  
After returning to India, and his own tiny kingdom, he set the  
Kasarikustani Intelligence Service (A old man with a bunch of  
newspaper subscriptions) to work on finding his warrior angel. Said  
intelligence service subscribed to fifteen Japanese newspapers, and  
bought a Hindustani-Japanese dictionary, while Midol started learning  
Japanese, Mandarin, and Basque (the last just in case).  
  
And after a long time, Midol was an accomplished linguist  
(Everyone has to accomplish SOMETHING, right?), and the KIS had  
narrowed the sightings of red-haired women, Amazons, and occasional  
violence to a ward in Japan called Nerima.   
  
Which leads us to the events of about thirty paragraphs up.  
  
####  
  
"Oh, Ranma, you're home. I have some tea ready, if you like?"  
  
"Kasumi nice. Hai, please."  
  
As Ranma sat and sipped her (lukewarm) tea, she sighed. The  
worst thing about Girl Days was avoiding hot water. It wasn't hard--  
the curse only wanted, it seemed, to feminize her usually. Under  
normal circumstances the problem was FINDING hot water. Still,  
accidents can happen... and right now she would have willingly--  
well, not killed, but maiming was a possibility-- for a hot bath.  
  
Akane came in next, and accepted a hotter cup of tea, and sat a  
careful distance from Ranma. "That guy was a real pest today, hunh?"  
  
"Not make sense. Prince act like he know Ranma."  
  
"Ranma."  
  
The Girl-in-training looked up at the familiar-- and unwelcome--  
voice. "Cologne."  
  
To Ranma's surprise, the old ghoul smiled. "I must commend you  
on your jest today. And I approve of this training regimen, and  
intend to assist. Would you care for some weekend Amazon training?  
As in, how to actually use those bonbori? I know you prefer unarmed  
styles, but it can't hurt."  
  
Ranma glared at Cologne. "Why Cologne being nice? Ranma NOT  
marry Shampoo."  
  
Cologne broke into a peal of laughter. "Uncanny! No wonder why  
Great-greanddaughter was so startled! Oh, she forgives you-- now  
that she knows Nabiki put you up to it. And no, this isn't about  
marriage-- that will come inevitably-- but about your training. As  
your mother can train you to be a better woman, I can train you to be  
a better Amazon, when that time comes. It's in my interest as well  
as yours."  
  
"That could be a problem, old ghoul. There's some idiot prince  
in town that thinks Ranma IS an Amazon, and keeps trying to challenge  
her for her hand. Like I could figure out why he'd wanna bimbo like  
that."  
  
Cologne blinked. "You're doing... rather well also." Akane's  
imitation of Ranma was somewhat more unsettling. "I was not aware  
you had such a talent."  
  
"Aw, always wanted to go inta the theater, maybe the movies. I  
figure this is good practice, ne?"  
  
The elder nodded. "At any rate, I'm not offended. Now... what's  
this about a prince?"  
  
####  
  
It was a council of... not exactly war.  
  
Shampoo sat carefully avoiding Ranma and Akane. Although her  
great-grandmother had explained, and said it was only a little joke  
it still scared her a bit. She was also a little hurt. It seemed to  
her that Ranma was teasing her... but Hibachan said that it wasn't  
meant personally, and Hibachan was always right. Ranma and Akane  
were still dressed wrongly, and were keeping up the act, until  
sundown.  
  
Cologne sat next to Nodoka, both frowning. The last thing either  
wanted was another suitor for Ranma-- especially not a male one.  
  
Nabiki flipped through a small notebook, contemplating possible  
profit from this latest bit of lunacy.  
  
Mousse stared adoringly at Shampoo. Well, actually he was  
staring adoringly at Genma-panda, but that was to be expected.  
  
The aforesaid panda was feeling very nervous for reasons he could  
not quite explain.  
  
Ranma was-- apparently happily-- sitting in Akane's lap, with her  
arms around Akane's neck, to the amusement of everyone but Soun,  
Genma, and Shampoo.  
  
And Akane, who was mumbling something about wanting to breathe.  
  
Soun was... wailing. "My future son-in-law is going to become a  
prince's bride!"  
  
"You ain't helping, old man," Akane snapped.  
  
"And my daughter STILL thinks she's a boy!"  
  
"Shampoo think Mister Tendo not quite understand?"  
  
"Ranma agree with ramen-girl."  
  
Shampoo shuddered as Cologne snickered. This was FUN. "At any  
rate, I think I know who we are dealing with. Prince Midol of  
Kasarikustan. He visited a nearby village about a year ago, and had  
wanted to visit Jokuzetsu. We... declined his offer. It was obvious  
he wanted to win an Amazon wife. It was also obvious that he was  
completely hopeless.   
  
"I believe that he saw Ranma's... ah, leavetaking, and mistook  
her for an Amazon wanderer, seeking to see the world. I suspect that  
he also fell in love with you at first sight. It seems to happen  
rather a lot with you, Ranma."  
  
Ranma shuddered. "Not remind Ranma."  
  
You know, a prince in the family might not be a bad idea...  
a panda-wielded sign read.  
  
"Akane lend Ranma... tool?"  
  
"Yeah, but just this once."  
  
"OK. PANDA NO BAKA!"  
  
WHAM!  
  
Passing the mallet back to Akane, Ranma smiled.   
  
"Not bad. Should work on the followthrough, though," admitted  
Akane.  
  
Nodoka just stared in mixed disapproval and approval. It wasn't  
ladylike, in her opinion, to hit people with mallets. On the other  
hand...  
  
"That," Nodoka said, unknowingly echoing events of a year ago,  
"He had coming."  
  
The panda twitched.  
  
Ite...  
  
####  
  
"Never gives up, huh?"  
  
"Violen-- Akane got right. Hibachan say prince lousy fighter but  
tougher than lost boy. Also stubborner. He no stop until beat Ranma  
for hand in marriage or is ramen broth. Maybe both." Shampoo was a  
LITTLE more calm, but Akane's Ranma act was still somewhat  
unsettling.   
  
"Aw, we can handle this. Akane Tendo don't lose."  
  
"That Ranma's line," two Amazons-- or one Amazon and one  
incredible simulation-- chorused... then one broke out in a fit of  
giggles while another (the one with purple hair) jumped and  
"EEEP!"ed.  
  
"R--Ranma not DO that!"  
  
"At any rate, get ready. Our plan should work-- for a while, at  
least," said Cologne.   
  
All nodded-- just as a knock on the door was heard.  
  
"Oh, my, is that the guest you were looking for? I'll get it,"  
chirped Kasumi.  
  
After a moment, Prince Midol entered. "I'll not be balked any  
longer. My destined bride is here, and I shall defeat her for her--"  
  
"And you are?" asked Cologne, coldly.  
  
"I am Midol, Prince of Kasarikustan, Light of the Herring, Master  
of the Pony, and--"  
  
"That stupid man try to hit Ranma all day, Elder."  
  
"Yeah. That's the bozo," added Akane.  
  
"I see. And why are you challenging Ranma?"  
  
"Oh, you can't fool me. I know who you are, Cologne of the  
Jokuzetsu. I know the law of the Chinese Amazons well. Once I  
defeat her, Ranma will have no choice but to wed me."  
  
"That is the law of the Amazons of Jokuzetsu, true. But what,  
Midol of Kasarikustan, does that have to do with Ranma?"  
  
Midol blinked. "Why... everything. She's a Chinese Amazon,  
after all..."  
  
Shampoo, following her cue, began to giggle. "Ranma hear prince?  
Prince think Ranma CHINESE Amazon!"  
  
Ranma snorted. "Is just silly man, not know any better."  
  
Midol blinked. Again. "Um... am I missing something?"  
  
And Nodoka entered, in a robe that was a copy of Cologne's,  
except red in color. (Kasumi's skill at quick sewing comes to the  
rescue again.) "I should say so."  
  
"Ah, the matriarch of Clan Saotome. I am glad you received my  
message."  
  
"Matriarch of the Jokuzetsu. I understand a clan-sister is being  
molested by some male fool?"  
  
"More ignorant than a fool, my friend. He plans to marry Ranma  
by the laws of the Jokuzetsu."  
  
"Perhaps he is both."  
  
"Look," protested Midol. "I don't know what's going on, but I  
know the laws of the Chinese Amazons, and that means that when I  
defeat her she has to marry--"  
  
And Ranma leaned into six inches from his face and screamed,  
"STUPID MAN! RANMA NOT CHINESE AMAZON, RANMA __JAPANESE__ AMAZON!"  
  
"Uh?" whined Midol, half deafened.  
  
"It is as she said, Prince Midol," Cologne replied. "The laws of  
the Japanese Amazons are not entirely the same as those of my branch.  
Defeating her in battle will not win you her hand."  
  
"Um... can it at least get me a date?"  
  
Ranma began-- genuinely-- to snarl.  
  
"No. Now, if you can bring three treasures, she MIGHT be  
persuaded to go out with you, once."  
  
"Three- what three? Nothing can defeat Midol of Kasarikustan!  
Well, except her."  
  
"A Phoenix's tooth, the secret hoard of the Demon Happosai, and  
a cask of the fabled Nannichuan of Jusenkyo."  
  
"Oh... that sounds easy enough, in a few weeks, then." The  
prince left, swirling his cape in a dramatic fashion as it rippled in  
the wind.  
  
"Hibachan?"  
  
"Yes, Shampoo?"  
  
"Where wind come from? We indoors."  
  
Cologne blinked. "Well... some people have an over developed  
sense of drama..."  
  
"What happen if prince get all treasures?"  
  
"Ranma, if he get's the Nannichuan, that would solve a lot of  
problems, wouldn't it? If he brings the Secret Hoard, you can have  
him arrested for breaking and entering-- the only hoard Happy has is  
the hoard of undergarments up in his room. And if he finds a  
Phoenix's Tooth-- well, I'll be so impressed with him that I'll  
offer him the choice of any maiden in the village, because he'll be  
superhuman."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Phoenixes don't HAVE teeth."  
  
Everyone laughed.  
  
"Sunset," added Nabiki. "You two win. And I don't regret a yen  
of it." Especially since she'd gotten the various poundings of the  
prince via Ranma on tape-- and Kuno would pay BIG yen for copies of  
his dream-woman pounding a rival while wearing that dress.   
  
"Thank HEAVEN! Ranma-- I mean, I was forgetting how to use  
pronouns!"  
  
"No more talking like a boy! Excuse me, I'm getting into a dress  
RIGHT NOW!" Akane dashed upstairs.  
  
Ranma looked at her mother, who nodded, smiling. She followed  
Akane to grab a blouse and slacks.  
  
"Oh, Nodoka-san. I have something for Ranma. I understand that  
she's been missing a hot bath very much?"  
  
Nodoka nodded. "But for reasons I have explained, I wish her, if  
possible, to stay a female for at least two months."  
  
"Yes, her... time. I can help with that. Mousse? The package I  
sent you for?"  
  
The near-blind master of Hidden Weapons produced a somewhat large  
parcel from... somewhere. "Here."  
  
Nodoka stared. "What is it?"  
  
Ranma (who had just entered, having dressed very very fast-- she  
HATED that dress) added, "Yeah, what?"  
  
"Doubtless you remember the waterproof soap you used at one time,  
Ranma?"  
  
Ranma nodded. "Worked ok until it wore off."  
  
"Well, this will-- after using it first with cold water,mind  
you-- you will, using it and only it, be able to take hot baths  
without changing-- or worrying about accidental changes either."  
  
"You mean it's more waterproof soap?" asked Ranma eagerly.  
  
"Not... exactly. Since you are attempting to stay female rather  
than male, I bought you something more useful."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Waterproof beauty soap. It will not only keep you from unwanted  
changes, but keep your skin nice and soft. And it has a beautiful  
fragrance..."  
  
Ranma GROANED.  
  
####  
  
End part four  
  
####  
  
A short Author's Note--  
  
It's amazing how often Akane seems to be chased by this or that  
magical prince (at least in OAV's and fanfictions, though it happens  
in the series and the manga also). I just thought that not all  
magical princes had to be competent-- or after Akane. Ja ne!  



	5. Girl Days 5

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(insert discl-- aw, forget it. We all know what goes here. Go  
ahead and sue, you'll never find me anyway! Bwaah-ha-ha-haaah!)  
  
Part five: A Quiet Day (yeah, right)  
  
  
####  
  
Ukyo Kuonji sighed. Slow days were something that she never  
really liked in the restaurant business.   
  
This particular slow day was something of a blessing, though.  
Konatsu had had to leave for a few days, due to some obscure ninja  
ritual. If it had been a fast day, she would have been swamped.  
  
She. Sometimes she wondered about the term. Forced by honor--  
or what her family thought of as honor-- to live as a boy, dress as a  
boy, even be legally registered as a boy, at times she wondered how  
much girl there was left. True, she wasn't quite as boyish as she  
had been... sometimes she even wore feminine-- well, somewhat  
feminine clothing. Mostly because of Ranchan.  
  
Ranchan. If he could live with his bizarre curse, then she could  
live with her own problems.  
  
Right now, she wondered what said Ranchan. was doing. He'd not  
dropped by in over a week-- which was unusual to say the least. And  
there had been-- from her point of view-- an unusual drop in the  
general weirdness index. Nothing unusual in fact except for a  
battered guy that had came in yesterday mumbling something about  
Amazon Angels and trying to order a herring okonomiyaki. Fortunately  
for him he'd walked into the only oknomiyaki-ya that COULD make such  
a peculiar item.  
  
Amazon Angels. Hmm... maybe that guy was after Shampoo and would  
take some of the pressure off Ranchan.? One less suitor meant one  
step closer to the shapeshifting martial artist's choice-- of  
herself, of course.  
  
She sighed, letting herself slip into her familiar daydream of  
herself and Ranchan. in a lovely home, with a beautiful restaurant,  
and many happy children. One which, in defiance of all reality, was  
strangely unbothered by dragons, spirits, small aged perverts,  
homicidal amazons, and the occasional martial artist from apparently  
nowhere that was after Ranma Saotome.  
  
Compared to most of the other people in Ranma's life, Ukyo was  
one of the saner. That didn't mean she didn't look at the world  
through her own set of Ranchan. colored glasses.  
  
She was wakened from her reverie by the bell ring that meant  
someone had entered her establishment. A familiar (if at the moment  
feminine) voice called out, cheerily, "Ohayo, Ucchan!"  
  
(He's here!) she thought, happily. And she looked up, and  
joyfully said--  
  
"Ranchaaghrk."  
  
To see Ranma in female form wasn't that unusual. To see Ranma  
with Akane-- something of a friend, something of a rival-- was also  
not unusual.  
  
To see Ranma casually wearing a pale green sundress, lace-trimmed  
socks, mary-jane style flats, a wide straw bonnet, and apparently  
wearing a hint of makeup WAS. Much less the ponytail with a wide  
blue bow. Or the earrings. Or...   
  
The general weirdness index rose by twenty points. In a way,  
Ukyo was actually relieved-- normality wasn't a factor in the life of  
the average Neriman.  
  
"It wasn't my fault," grumbled Akane.  
  
"I ain't-- I'm not blaming you, Akane. Could'a happened to  
anyone."  
  
"It wasn't my fault," the dark-haired girl repeated.  
  
"Did... did something happen?" A somewhat-- no, make that VERY  
confused Ukyo stammered.  
  
"Akane had a little accident in the kitchen, that's all."  
  
"It SAID to add oil. I added oil. Wasn't my fault. And stop  
being so NICE about it!"  
  
Ranma WAS being unusually nice-- not insulting at all. Not a  
good sign, thought Ukyo.  
  
Then again, neither was Ranma's apparent impression of Rebecca of  
Sunnybrook Farm.  
  
"I can't be nice?" Ranma grinned. "But I thought you wanted me  
to be nicer to you..."  
  
Akane growled.   
  
"Um... you two have a seat, and I'll bring out a couple of  
specials... I get the idea I'm behind the times here..." murmured a  
somewhat shaken Ukyo.  
  
####  
  
"Girl Days, huh? Ranchan., this has to be hell for you."  
  
Ukyo gave a small internal shudder of pity for Ranma. She'd  
never minded that Ranma turned into a girl, but to see him-- no,  
her-- dressing the part as completely as she apparently was was  
something of a start. Oh, she'd done it before-- but that was either  
coerced or part of a plan, or just to play with Ryoga's head.  
  
Never because it was what she was supposed to wear. Ukyo was  
having serious doubts about the sanity of Nodoka Saotome right now.  
  
"Not really, Ucchan, not really. I don't mind the clothes much  
at all now, and I'm getting better in talking properly like Mom  
wants. It's little things like makeup and stuff like that that still  
bug me a bit."  
  
"I... see. Well, um... that dress looks good on you?"  
  
"Really? Thanks. I wasn't sure the color was right."  
  
"And... Um... I like what you've done with your hair?"  
  
"Well, I kinda got the idea from you, a little. The ribbon, I  
mean. Mom likes it."  
  
"Oh... thank you, that's very... flattering..."  
  
"Anyhow, last night was the best, Ucchan... finally a hot bath.  
It's weird to have Cologne do something nice for me like that, but  
since she wants me to try that Amazon training, I guess that fits in  
with her plans."  
  
"It's... nice that it's not bothering you, Ranchan....."  
  
"Well, I'm getting used to it like I said. If Mom wants me to do  
it, then I'm going to do it. Besides, it's not so bad, after all."  
  
"Wasn't my fault," mumbled a depressed Akane into her  
okonomiyaki.  
  
"Come on, Akane, no need to worry about it--"   
  
"INSULT ME, DAMMIT!"  
  
Ranma blinked. "What?"  
  
"Insult me! This being nice about it is driving me crazy!"  
  
Ranma sighed. "Akane, all you did was make a mistake. Heck, the  
label on the can was dirty, even I could hardly read it..."  
  
"I tried to make a vegetable stir-fry with LINSEED OIL! That  
stuff was downright toxic! Why aren't you insulting me about nearly  
poisoning you?"  
  
"Mom says proper ladies don't insult people for innocent  
mistakes," replied Ranma, primly.  
  
Ukyo suddenly began to giggle. "Besides, Akane-chan, you're  
doing just fine insulting yourself!"  
  
Akane blinked, and grimaced. "Sorry, Ranma... I... I guess you  
are trying to be... nicer."  
  
Ranma nodded. Her time dealing with feminine things seemed to be  
helping her to understand girls a bit better. Just a little-- but  
better.  
  
Maybe it was because the other times trapped she'd been  
disparately trying to maintain a hold on her masculinity, while this  
time she was trying to find what femininity she had. So far, she  
wasn't really a different person (as she had feared), she was still  
Ranma. Just a feminine-- well, sort of feminine-- Ranma.  
  
"So, you have a wardrobe and everything, Ranchan.?"  
  
Ranma nodded. "Hai. Why, you want to borrow one of my dresses?"  
  
Ukyo laughed. "No, I don't think so. Hey, you really ARE OK  
with this!"  
  
"Well... I don't like it. Be lying if I said I DID. But I'm  
getting comfortable with it... And at least it's not during school."  
  
"Two months, you said?"  
  
Ranma nodded.  
  
"Ranma-- break's only a month long."  
  
Ranma paled. Ack-- Ukyo was right.  
  
Akane paled. But that would mean...  
  
"I really really don't wanna wear a girl's uniform..."  
  
"Oh, GOD... Ranma's going to have to change in OUR locker  
room..."  
  
The two stared at each other, and in chorus screamed, "MY LIFE IS  
HELL!"  
  
Ukyo shrugged, and made a second pair of okonomiyaki. Something  
told her that BOTH were gonna need it...  
  
####  
  
It went on like that for a while... Ranma retelling the curious  
incident with the Prince of wherever-it-was (She'd already forgotten  
the name), as well as the lead up to that. Ukyo found herself  
giggling furiously at that bit of lunacy-- and Akane cheered up  
remembering the surprising amount of fun the Amazon Day had actually  
been.  
  
It was then that Ranma made an understandable mistake. She rose  
for a moment, walked over to the jukebox, and inserted a 50 yen  
piece.  
  
The jukebox began to choke.  
  
(Aw, crap-- it's--) thought Ranma, as a brown haired  
apparently-a-girl burst from the jukebox, spitting the coin out and  
glaring at the redhead.  
  
Ukyo began to growl. How did she miss Tsubasa this time?   
  
Tsubasa stood, smoothed his skirt, and snarled at Ranma. "How  
DARE you..."  
  
"Hey, man, how was I supposed to know that you were in there? I  
thought Ucchan had got a new jukebox, is all..."  
  
"Not THAT! Although I am angry about your trying to choke me--  
but how dare you dress like that!"  
  
"Hey, if you been spyin' on us, you know that's my mom's idea--"  
  
"LIAR! You're trying to be cuter than me so you can take Ukyo  
away from me!"  
  
Ranma stared. "You have GOT to be kidding. You just have GOT to  
be."  
  
Ukyo casually walked up to Tsubasa, and added, "Besides, I wasn't  
ever yours in the first place..."  
  
WHAP!  
  
"Or ANY place!" finished Ukyo, reholstering her battle-spatula.  
  
As Tsubasa sailed through the door, vowing some ill-defined  
vengeance, Ranma sweat-dropped. "Man, that guy is redefining weird  
more and more every day."  
  
"You said it," replied Ukyo.  
  
"Beyond ANY doubt," added Akane.  
  
"And anyhow..." Ranma paused. "Those shoes didn't match that  
dress. Heh."  
  
Three girls paused... and broke into laughter.  
  
####  
  
HE was supposed to be the cute crossdresser, not RANMA.  
  
The fact that at the moment Ranma was not technically  
crossdressing was brushed aside like... like almost every fact about  
Ranma that would have helped him in the past. For some strange  
reason, when the facts were in Ranma's favor, it was as though a  
giant blanket of silence draped over the minds of the citizens of  
Nerima.  
  
Tsubasa, compared to most people in the ward, didn't have that  
much-- only a very good talent for disguise and a burning infatuation  
with Ukyo. And, like most male martial artists in the area (and not  
a few female ones) a severe dislike of Ranma Saotome.  
  
But this was the last straw... to actually go so far as to steal  
Tsubasa's act! To start to dress in a feminine fashion to attract  
the attention of the magnificent Ukyo! And most unforgivable of  
all-- to carry it off better than HE did!  
  
Because simply put, Ranma DID look better in a dress than  
Tsubasa.   
  
Now, considering that Tsubasa was at the moment wearing an outfit  
that would cause Asuza to choke and collapse in a diabetic fit (That  
is, Uber-kawaii), while Ranma was simply wearing attractive and  
flattering clothing that worked well on her figure, this was not  
surprising. Ranma looked like an attractive girl in a sundress while  
Tsubasa looked like a sort of demented female ice-cream cone with  
extra sprinkles. But trying to tell Tsubasa that would be somewhat  
pointless. Right now Tsubasa was thinking with his heart, not his  
brain. Standard mode for the average Ranma antagonist, really.  
  
"I will never forgive you, Ranma," the crossdresser snarled.  
  
Of course there was one small problem with his burning vows of  
vengeance... namely that he stood as much chance against Ranma in a  
one-to-one fight as a glass of beer stands against a thirsty  
steelworker at five o'clock. None, nil, nix.   
  
So he decided to get to the bottom of the matter... by using one  
of his brilliant disguises and infiltrating the Tendo home.  
  
In retrospect, his first disguise, that of a practice dummy,  
wasn't a very good choice, since Akane, upon returning home, was  
still just a bit frustrated. So she repaired to the dojo to work off  
a little steam.  
  
Her first reaction was terror, since straw dummies don't usually  
scream in pain when punched.  
  
Her next one was fury as she realized the truth, and demonstrated  
that transvestites DO usually scream when punched, kicked, elbowed,  
slammed, and-- for good measure-- malleted into LEO.  
  
Akane stormed into the main room, fuming. "Ranma, what is with  
all the perverts in this baka town?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Kuno, and Happosai, and... and... even Ryoga's been doing hentai  
things, and now I just found Tsubasa peeping on me in the dojo!"  
  
"Hunh. Imagine that."  
  
"What-- that someone would be peeping on me? Are you saying that  
no-one would want to peep on me?"  
  
"No! That's not what I meant... I mean it's just odd that he'd  
peep on you when he's usually stalking Ucchan. That's all..."  
  
Akane began to simmer down. A little.  
  
"Besides, he was probably here to spy on me, anyway. Remember  
how angry he was this lunchtime?"  
  
"You're... you're probably right, Ranma." The admission came  
easier than she'd expected. Ranma WAS trying to be nicer, recently,  
and usually was-- unless she insulted Ranma.  
  
"Oh, well... I have to take some books back to the library. Will  
you be OK by yourself, Ranma?"  
  
"Yeesh, Akane, I ain't-- I'm not a kid. Besides, mom wants me to  
finish this (ick) sewing practice. She says it's useful to both men  
and women, and since I'm supposed to be both--"  
  
Akane grinned. "Knitting too, I suppose?"  
  
"Next month. Bleahh."  
  
As Akane left, Ranma returned to her practice. Which she found  
pointless, really, since she already knew how to sew from her years  
on the road.  
  
####  
  
Ranma finished her sewing. The real problem with sewing was it  
was boring. Now she had to put all the needles back...  
  
Well, nothing said she couldn't be neat AND a martial artist.  
The true secret of Anything Goes was that anything could be a  
training method. So she started to throw the needles into the  
pincushion across the room like very tiny spears.  
  
She didn't finish. Pincushions don't usually scream.  
  
It was then she realized that the pincushion she'd been using was  
still next to her. There weren't supposed to be two of them, much  
less a screaming one, which meant...  
  
Yup. The faux pincushion erupted from the table-- that wasn't  
supposed to be there either, Ranma now realized-- pinned to Tsubasa's  
nose. "Randmagh! Gyuu feendh! Gyuuuhl pay for dhatd!"  
  
Ranma, in a gesture of kindliness and helpfulness, plucked the  
pinned-cushion off Tsubasa's nose. Tsubasa screamed. Ranma had  
used, perhaps, a WEE bit too much force in throwing the needles.  
  
Handing the transvestite a tissue, Ranma called to Kasumi to  
please bring the first aid kit. The eldest Tendo daughter entered,  
and stared at Tsubasa. "Oh, my. Is this another fiancee,  
Ranma-chan? She's rather pretty."  
  
"Trust me," snickered Ranma, "'SHE' isn't anyone's fiancee."  
  
As Kasumi, with skill born of long practice, began to patch up  
Tsubasa's nose, Ranma shook her head. "Man, what's with you? I  
mean, this is just plain silly."  
  
"I won't-- OW, that stuff stings!-- I won't let you work your  
feminine wiles on Ukyo!" retorted the crossdresser.  
  
"My... Oh, come ON," Ranma replied. "That's about the lamest  
thing I've heard since... well, last night."  
  
"There's no other explanation for this! The way you're dressed,  
your hair, your-- you're even wearing perfume! You're shameless!"  
  
"I'm only wearing a little," Ranma said defensively. "Mom's idea  
again. But she says I don't have to any more unless I go to a fancy  
place. Besides, you ain't dressed any differently. Just more  
tackily."  
  
"I don't believe you! You're doing this to seduce Ukyo! And  
this dress was hand tailored!"  
  
"Wow. I didn't know there were blind tailors..."  
  
Tsubasa growled at the suggestion that anything was wrong with  
his taste.  
  
"Ucchan's my best friend, Tsubasa. I don't want to seduce her."  
As she got angrier, Ranma began to slip into more familiar patterns  
of speech. "What the hell is with you people? Never even tryin' to  
imagine that I might be telling the truth. Always 'Ranma, prepare to  
die', or 'Saotome you fiend', or sumpthin' like that. I'm getting  
tired of it. Only reason I don't pulp you now is Mom'll get upset if  
I get this dress dirty."  
  
"Ranma-chan, remember what your mother said about slang?"  
  
"Hai, Kasumi. I'll remember. Now, Tsubasa-kun, I'm very angry  
with you. After Kasumi has fixed your nose, I'll have to ask you to  
leave. Please don't come in here in disguise again."  
  
(You don't fool ME, Ranma,) thought Tsubasa angrily. (Somehow I  
WILL find out the truth of your wicked plan...)  
  
As the crossdressing master of disguise left, he fumed mostly  
about the simple fact that his looks weren't going to be very pretty  
for a few days. Not with his nose bound in a large ball of gauze and  
cotton.  
  
####  
  
Akane returned to the house without incident. Unusual, perhaps,  
but true.  
  
As she entered, she was greeted by the somewhat peculiar sight of  
Tsubasa apparently attempting to hide behind a two-inch ball of  
gauze.  
  
She shook her head-- who knew what went on in the minds of the  
stranger denizens of Nerima?-- and proceeded to the main room, where  
Kasumi was chiding Ranma about making their guest leave so soon.  
  
"Kasumi, that wasn't a guest. That was a lunatic trying to spy  
on me."  
  
"You mean pervert," added Akane, who was still not happy with  
Tsubasa herself.  
  
"Whatever. He's probably planning something, anyway. Not that  
I'm worried, but there's no telling where he'll pop up from next."  
  
"Let him," relied Akane, cracking her knuckles. "Just let him."  
  
####  
  
At Ucchans, Ukyo wondered idly why Tsubasa hadn't made a  
reappearance so far. Such restraint was unlike him.  
  
She whistled while cooking, happy for the respite.  
  
####  
  
Tsubasa was furious. Saotome MUST have seen through his disguise  
somehow to inflict such incredible humiliation upon him. How, he had  
no idea... but it was the second time today.  
  
Perhaps an indirect approach.  
  
Like the form he saw stalking towards him with an almost regal  
hauteur. Tatewaki Kuno.  
  
"Kuno-sempai," Tsubasa greeted the kendoist, going into an  
imitation of a scared and hurt girl.  
  
Tatewaki Kuno blinked. A maiden greeted him-- one he had seen in  
passing, but was not truly familiar with. Bandaged across the  
face... perhaps one of those blemishes that young girls like she were  
so ashamed about. Doubtless requiring assistance of one sort or  
another. Well, 'twas the duty of a samurai to render such  
assistance, of course.  
  
"How can this scion of the House of Kuno, the Blue Thunder, be of  
assistance to you, lass?" he greeted the chit of a girl humbly.  
  
"There's this very mean man, Kuno-sempai..."  
  
"Is there?"  
  
"he...he hurt my nose..." Tsubasa said in a very small voice.  
  
"WHAT?! What cur could do such a vile thing to an innocent child  
such as yourself?"  
  
"ran...ranma saotome..."  
  
"RANMA?!?"  
  
"You know him?"  
  
"The sorcerer returns? And now strikes not only at my twin loves  
but innocent waifs such as yourself? Where is this pinnacle of  
depravity!"  
  
"The... the Tendo dojo..."  
  
"Of course... his intent is doubtless to reinstate his vile spell  
upon the minds and hearts of Akane Tendo and my pony-tailed goddess!  
Well, he shall have no success in such a monstrous  
endeavor! I am off to do battle against the very forces of hell,  
lass... and as Heaven is my destined guide, I cannot fail!"  
  
And the magnificent Tatewaki Kuno stormed off to do exactly that.  
Because he was a moron.  
  
Had Tsubasa listened to the tirade a bit closer, he might have  
realized that he was in for serious trouble.  
  
Because Tsubasa wasn't actually a local. He popped up from time  
to time, to pursue Ukyo, but he didn't know all the intricate  
dynamics of the complex tapestry that was Ranma.  
  
For example, he wasn't quite aware that regarding Ranma's curse,  
Kuno had something of a blind spot.  
  
####  
  
Akane was rather pleased with the quiet day. Well, kind of  
quiet. Except for the peculiar recurring Tsubasa thing, it was  
actually peaceful.   
  
She and Ranma were sparring. (Before anyone protests, in the  
Tendo household, sparring is peaceful.)   
  
She was in her usual yellow gi. Ranma, who had become something  
of a clothes-horse since she now had more than one style of outfit  
and was expected to wear them, was bouncing around in a red athletics  
halter and black knee-length aerobic shorts. Kind of a feminine  
version of her usual Chinese garb.   
  
"Fight me for REAL, Ranma!" Akane panted as the redhead avoided  
her attacks like some sort of kung-fu superball.  
  
"When you get a punch in, I will. And mallets don't count,"  
retorted the cavorting Ranma. "Besides, if I do, you'll just get mad  
about that!"  
  
"No (puff) I won't! I DEMAND that you fight me for real!"  
  
Ranma came to a decision. One she had been thinking about for a  
while. She didn't want to, but if there was no other way to convince  
Akane that she couldn't go all out...  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"Of course (puff) I promise! Fight me for--OOOF!"  
  
The punch was pulled, carefully gauged to leave no lasting injury  
but to cause severe discomfort and loss of breath. Akane sat down--  
hard-- and stared in shock. Ranma had HIT her.  
  
"You asked me to. I'm sorry."  
  
"You... you hit me..."  
  
"I'm sorry. I pulled the punch, Akane, but you have to  
understand that I could really hurt--"  
  
And Ranma was silenced by a pair of arms thrown around her neck  
while she was drawn into a fierce hug. "You took me seriously! You  
really did! Thank you! Urp."  
  
"Akane?"  
  
"I'm... I'm going to the bathroom for a moment. I'll be back."  
  
Ranma shook her head in confusion. Girls. Go fig.  
  
Akane staggered to the bathroom-- realizing that she was going to  
be sick in a moment-- and happier than she had ever been since the  
insanity began. Ranma had taken her seriously! What bliss!  
  
"What's wrong, daughter?" asked Soun, mistaking Akane's smile  
for a grimace. Well, actually, it was both.  
  
"Ranma hit me! Isn't it wonderful?"  
  
Soun only heard the first three words. "HE WHAT?!?"  
  
"I'm... urp... so happy! Excuse me..." And Akane quit  
staggering, deciding to dash instead.  
  
Of course, Soun was headed to the dojo to assault Ranma, so he  
heard none of that part either.  
  
"RANMA!!!" he screamed "HOW DARE YOU STRIKE MY BABY GIRL!"   
  
Lest anyone think otherwise, there was a full blown Demon-head  
accompanying that pronouncement.  
  
"She asked me to!" protested Ranma.  
  
"THAT'S NO EXCU-- huh?" The Demon head deflated, leaving a  
rather confused Soun.  
  
"She asked me to fight her for real. I pulled the punch, she's  
not really hurt, just winded and probably a bit nauseous, is all. I  
hadda show her that if I went all out against her like she keeps  
asking I could hurt her bad. I don't think she got the idea,  
though."  
  
"That's... different. She is the heir to the Tendo family  
style... perhaps you should hit her more often. In training."  
  
Ranma stared at the normally overprotective Tendo patriarch as  
though he had grown a second head.  
  
"That's not what I was trying to accomplish here..."  
  
"Nonetheless. She is a martial artist. She must be toughened  
up, trained well. I have, I fear, been lax in her training... and  
so, my future son-in-law, I officially pass her training onto you!"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
Akane took that moment to return, a little green, but smiling  
happily.  
  
"Ah, Akane. It has come to my attention that your training is  
sorely lacking."  
  
"What?" Akane replied, glaring at her father.  
  
"Yes, and considering your lifestyle with Ranma, I can only  
decide that from this day forth Ranma will be your Sensei. You will  
obey him in matters of the martial arts in all things as you would  
obey me."  
  
"Sen--SENSEI? HIM? THAT BAKA?!?"  
  
"What makes you think I want to take a stubborn uncute tomboy  
like her as my first student?" added Ranma.  
  
"A difficult student may be the best first one, son," interjected  
Genma, who had been observing the entire thing. For once.  
  
Two girls sputtered.  
  
"It's decided then. Ranma, you shall teach Akane. Akane, you  
shall learn from Ranma."  
  
The two men left, both thinking the same thing-- this will bring  
them closer together, and soon, a wedding can't be far behind.  
  
And Akane glared at Ranma, and thought.  
  
He- she IS better than me. Maybe better than anyone.  
  
She could have really hurt me if she'd wanted to. Does that mean  
she won't fight me because she doesn't want to hurt me?  
  
Does that mean she-he-Ranma cares? About me?  
  
And the glare died down, and Akane murmured, "Well... if you  
would, um.... teach me... I guess I wouldn't mind..."  
  
"Ah... it could get kinda uncomfortable, Akane... I mean, I don't  
wanna... well..."  
  
"I'm... I'm probably not as good as you, but I'm not bad, am I?"  
  
"Bad's a relative term."  
  
"Huh?" THAT was downright intellectual, coming from Ranma.  
  
"Well, what I mean is, compared to Ryoga, or Shampoo, or Ukyo--  
or me of course-- you're pretty bad."  
  
Akane began to smolder.  
  
"Compared to Kodachi, you're on a par. Actually, you're probably  
not that far behind Ukyo, really..."  
  
Where was this going?  
  
"You're above most around here, skillwise. Asuza, Tsubasa,  
Kuno... you're better than them. And you're as strong as a gorilla--  
and that's a good thing in this case."  
  
Was that a complement, an insult, or... an evaluation?  
  
"What you lack is discipline in the Art. And if I DO start  
teaching you instead of just sparring, you aren't gonna like it.  
Because if you thought I made you look bad before, you ain't seen  
ANYTHING yet. I'm gonna humiliate you beyond belief. But you'll be  
a better fighter because of it. You wanna deal with me as your  
sensei?"  
  
Akane thought.  
  
There was really only one response.  
  
"Hai... Sensei."  
  
"OK. Now, we'll start by learning how to fall."  
  
"Hey-- I learned that when I was a kid! I know how to fall!"  
  
And Ranma grinned. "I know. But now you're gonna learn how to  
fall RIGHT."  
  
####  
  
Kuno approached the Tendo domicile, almost glowing with rage.  
That the foul Saotome had returned, after his two loves had been  
freed from his vile spell, was intolerable! He would seek the knave  
out, and decimate him utterly.  
  
He stormed in, like his namesake, revelling in his just and  
divine power. This time, he would--  
  
Walk right into Kasumi.  
  
"Pardon, Kasumi Tendo. But I seek the Demon Saotome."  
  
Kasumi thought. There was a Ranma Saotome, and a Genma Saotome,  
but...  
  
"There's no-one here by that name, Kuno-san. Would you like some  
tea?"  
  
"There's... No male? About this high, dark of hair, tied in a  
pig-tail that mocks my goddess, dressed in the garments of heathen  
China?"  
  
"No," Kasumi answered in total accuracy. "Not for about ten days  
or so."  
  
"He has not returned to cast a vile spell on my loves?"  
  
"Not that I know of." Actually, Kasumi was somewhat confused.  
Did she know any spellcasters? Other than Cologne or Happosai? What  
a strange boy.  
  
"Then... then I have been deceived... but why?" Even Kuno knew  
that Kasumi was a paragon of honesty and virtue. Indeed, did not  
even the vile Happosai refuse to molest her in her innocence? What  
could this mean--  
  
In a previous chapter of these chronicles, it was mentioned that  
Ryoga Hibiki had, at times, a somewhat unusual logic system.  
  
It ain't NOTHING on Kuno's. Kuno raced through a tesseract of  
skewed perceptions to come to a really REALLY strange conclusion.  
  
"I... see. Oh, clever, clever. Please excuse me."  
  
And Kuno left.  
  
Kasumi sighed. "Father, the stove won't be repaired until  
tomorrow... we may have to go for takeout. I'm sorry." Darn linseed  
oil, anyway.  
  
A jovial Soun grinned. "No. I think we'll go out for dinner  
tonight. Perhaps okonomiyaki, I haven't had that in quite a  
while..."  
  
####  
  
The circle closes. Not always on a significant thing, but it  
does close. The Tendos and the Saotomes were all at Ucchan's, and  
Nodoka was quietly explaining to Genma that even if the proprietor  
was willing to feed Ranma for free, they would as a point of honor  
pay their bill.  
  
Genma was growfing over his bamboo-shoot okonomiyaki and  
pretending to be a cute little panda. Had it not been for the fact  
that at the moment he was neither cute, little, OR a panda-- he still  
wouldn't have pulled it off.  
  
Nabiki was grimacing over the unexpected refusal of Kuno to buy  
the previous day's videotapes, since he was insisting that they  
weren't of his true heart's desire, but rather of a pair of Chinese  
girls who were obviously of an unusual... persuasion.  
  
Kasumi was swapping cooking tips with Ukyo.  
  
Soun was crying over how damn GOOD the okonomiyaki was. And  
making his plate soggy.  
  
Nodoka was making sure her daughter/son was eating in a ladylike  
manner.  
  
Ranma was lecturing-- between bites-- Akane on the need for total  
focus in a kata.  
  
Akane, for once, was listening.  
  
And then--  
  
"Hide me! Hide me!"  
  
All heads turned to a panicked, ragged, and somewhat bruised  
Tsubasa. "He's gone insane! He'll KILL me!"  
  
"Who'll kill you, Tsu-baka?" growled Ukyo.  
  
"HE will! He thinks I'm--"  
  
Kuno burst in, bokken in hand. Pointing it at Tsubasa, he  
screamed in fury, "This time you will NOT escape my just wrath,  
SAOTOME!"  
  
Ranma BLINKED.  
  
For that matter, so did everyone else.  
  
"Um... Kuno, why are you calling him Saotome?" Ranma asked.  
  
"Oft have I heard vile rumors that Saotome and the pig-- no,  
ponytailed goddess were one and the same! Such insanity was  
ludicrous, but finally have I found the source of this falsehood!  
This cross-dressing pervert has imitated thee, my love, to separate  
us in the past! But I am not deceived, and even this weak attempt at  
changing his vile disguise will not dissuade my wrath! HAVE AT THEE,  
SAOTOME!"  
  
As Tsubasa leapt through a window, Kuno added, "And think not  
that transforming thyself into a mail-box or a vending machine will  
save you! Your shapeshifting will NOT avail you this evening,  
monster!" He followed, snarling.  
  
There was a LONG pause.  
  
And then...  
  
"Pass the sauce, would you, Akane?"  
  
All in all, comparatively speaking, it was a quiet day.  
  
####  
  
End part five  
  
####  
  
Short authors notes--  
  
Tsubasa makes only a short, as far as I can tell, appearance in  
the manga, and not that much more in the Anime. He's very popular  
in fanfics, though. So I took the liberty of suggesting that he's  
not a constant, and might not be QUITE aware of all the interactions  
in Nerima. After all, he's focused on Ukyo so much, he might not  
notice some other things.  
  
This one's for you, Ucchan. ^_^  
  
  



	6. Girl Days 6-Part 1

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
By Robert Haynie  
  
(Gomen, I can't think of a good disclaimer joke-- hey, that's one  
right there!)  
  
Part Six: Life's a Beach  
  
####  
  
"Slacks!"  
  
Ranma and Akane were returning from a short trip to the market,  
where Kasumi had sent them to pick up a few items for a planned trip  
to the beach tomorrow. Akane stalked along the sidewalk, glowering,  
while Ranma fairly danced along the top of the fence.  
  
"I love slacks!" the red-headed girl chortled. And right now she  
did-- simple green slacks and a yellow blouse that allowed her to do  
something she'd missed for a while--  
  
Fencewalking without having to worry about one of the myriad  
hormone-driven boys in the neighborhood trying to sneak a peek up her  
skirt at her panties. Not that that mattered THAT much to Ranma--  
who was still developing what her mother referred to as a proper  
sense of feminine modesty-- but since Nodoka HAD said that was  
important, then so be it.  
  
"Show-off," growled Akane.  
  
"Aw, you should try it sometime, Akane! It's fun and it's great  
balance practice! As your new sensei, I'd recommend it."  
  
"Not in this sundress, thank you," retorted the reluctant  
fiancee. "Unlike SOME girls I understand a proper sense--"  
  
"Of Feminine Modesty, yeah, I know, I KNOW. So, next week, we're  
getting you into one of your overalls or something and starting you  
on balance practice."  
  
Akane acked. She knew Ranma meant exactly what she said. Ranma  
was taking the sensei thing very seriously, to her surprise (and  
frequent discomfort). She even required Akane to refer to her as  
sensei during formal training.  
  
And, to the surprise of most, Ranma was actually pretty good at  
it. Using a mix of methods she'd picked up from various teachers  
along her long training journey with Genma (and avoiding most of his,  
to be sure) Akane was slowly but steadily improving in her regular  
spars with Ranma.   
  
"Well, that's... that's next week, right? We're spending the  
weekend at the beach first."  
  
"Yep! I know! Cool water and I don't have to worry about it!  
It's almost making this Girl Days stuff worth it!"  
  
Two weeks. Had it been that long since the Girl Days project had  
begun? Since Nodoka Saotome had decided that her son was both man  
and woman, and thus needed training in her feminine aspect? Even if  
it was only in how to be a proper tomboy?  
  
Yes. And Nodoka had been pleased at her 'daughters' progress.  
She was learning how to be, if not a lady, at least ladylike when it  
was needed. She was becoming more comfortable with feminine attire.  
She wasn't despising her body anymore-- she just didn't like it a  
lot.  
  
Also, her fears of actually "becoming a girl" seemed unfounded.  
True, she did seem to feel somewhat different-- nothing she could  
actually put in words-- but she certainly didn't find herself reading  
shojo manga or mooning after cute boys. She was still Ranma.  
  
She was looking forward to the trip, too. Sun and fun and  
ice-cream on the beach and the watermelon game and especially no  
weirdos! She could just pretend that she was an ordinary girl, relax  
for once, and tease the panda. (Genma was highly annoyed that Nodoka  
and Cologne refused to allow him the use of Ranma's supply of  
waterproof beauty soap.) It was going to be simple, ordinary fun!  
  
What could go wrong?  
  
####  
  
There's this theory called syncronicity. Something, the writer  
believes, that Carl Jung thought up. Basically, it's the idea that  
really really weird coincidences aren't exactly coincidental. Yeah,  
that sounds weird, but that's how it goes.  
  
Much of Ranma's life was positively ruled by synchronicity.  
  
For example, a certain okonomiyaki chef discovered that her grill  
was malfunctioning, and that it would not be fixed until Monday. Oh,  
well... she'd not had a free weekend in a while. Surely she could  
find something to do...  
  
Hmm... the beach looked good.  
  
Cologne, the matriarch of the Amazons, and restaurateur, was for  
once very pleased with Shampoo and even Mousse for their surprisingly  
good efforts to keep the Nekohanten from being decimated a few days  
ago when, for reasons she doubted she would ever fully understand, a  
raging Kuno had chased a terrified Tsubasa into the restaurant,  
screaming some incoherent nonsense about shapeshifting demons and  
accusing the crossdresser of being -- apparently-- either a washing  
machine or a Saotome.  
  
Fortunately, Mousse had been wearing his glasses for once, and so  
failed to mistake Tsubasa for Shampoo, instead managing to get the  
two combatants-- well, one combatant and one wildly dodging victim--  
out of the restaurant with a minimum of damage while Shampoo defended  
the furniture and crockery. (Why not declare a company picnic at the  
beach as a reward,) thought Cologne, breaking out the waterproof soap  
and deciding that even Amazons needed a break now and then.  
  
Kodachi was gloating over a new swimsuit. It would enhance her  
already amazing beauty to an infinite degree, she decided, and  
certainly that would finally win the heart-- or at least some organ--  
of her beloved Ranma-sama... when he returned. But such a thing  
should be road-tested, she decided, so a trip to the beach was in  
order.   
  
Hmm... her brother was acting even more erratically than usual,  
come to think of it. Why, the fool now seemed to believe that that  
pathetic crossdresser Tsubasa was actually her Ranma-sama in  
disguise! Best to get him away for a while, so that his fevered  
brain could rest. Not that she actually cared-- much-- but she  
supposed it was the sort of thing a good sister should do.  
  
A wandering-- as usual-- Ryoga had no actual intention of going  
to the beach, himself. But the fates and his incredibly bad sense of  
direction-- he had been known to cause global positioning devices to  
malfunction by merely being within ten meters of them-- decided  
otherwise. Unlike the other cursed individuals, he had no waterproof  
soap.   
  
Poor Ryoga. Sent by the cold whims of a cruel destiny towards  
one of the largest sources of cold water on the planet. It just  
never gets any better for him, does it?  
  
And one other thought longingly about the beach. But not because  
of surf and sun. Not... exactly, anyway.  
  
Chaos needs no recipe. But if it did, there was an ingredients  
list in place.  
  
####  
  
The train trip to the beach was uneventful. Well, sort of.  
  
Akane had only had to pummel two perverts who had tried to grope  
her in the train station. Ranma had only had to pummel three.  
No-one tried to grope Kasumi, maybe because she was too pure. Same  
for Nabiki-- who might have seemed too scary. And since there were  
no reports of bodies found slashed repeatedly with a sharp object  
that day, we can assume no-one tried to grope Nodoka.  
  
The family party took their seats on the train, Akane and Ranma  
in one seat, Kasumi and Nodoka in another, Soun and Nabiki in a  
third, and the panda had a seat all to himself, while growfing  
bitterly about stupid kids with Super-soaker 3000 brand waterguns.  
(For some reason, people were reluctant to share a seat with the  
panda.)  
  
In another car, Ukyo relaxed with Konatsu, reading a copy of  
Okonomiyaki Quarterly.  
  
In still another car, Ryoga Hibiki was trying to figure out how  
the hell he'd gotten on a train, where was the train going, and where  
on earth was he this time anyhow?  
  
In yet another car Shampoo sat next to her great-grandmother and  
occasionally stuck her tongue out at a sulking Mousse who had wanted  
to sit next to Shampoo instead of the strange girl who was giggling  
and calling his glasses "Antoine".  
  
The Kuno's took a private automobile to the beach. It's good to  
be rich.  
  
And in the baggage car...  
  
He sat in anticipation. Imagine... all that female flesh  
exposed... all those bikinis, one-pieces, maillots, v-kinis, strings,  
thongs and whatever new fascinating concepts that the swimwear  
industry had thought of lately.  
  
Not to mention that in the various changing rooms at the beach  
would be vast amounts of panties and bras and stockings and other  
such things just waiting for his caressing touch. And head,  
occasionally.  
  
He wondered why the girls got so angry with him. What was wrong  
with an old man giving a young lass an innocent hug?  
  
Or grope?  
  
Or fondle?  
  
Or-- no. Keep in control. As the boy would put it, a soul of  
ice. Wouldn't do to be discovered here. Wait for the beach. The  
beach with all those young lovelies, and silky darlings, and nearly  
unlimited avenues for fun.   
  
Best of all, the beach wasn't Nerima. So this time, no  
spoilsport Ranma or annoying Cologne or any of the rest of them to  
interfere with the innocent pleasures of an old man's fading years.  
  
So, Happosai waited patiently for the bounty to come.  
  
####   
  
One would think that one of the groups would have noticed another  
group disembarking from the train. One would be wrong. Somehow  
everyone got to their respective hotel rooms, cabins, or--In  
Happosai's case-- cave (He was used to them, after all, and they were  
cheap) without being noticed by anyone else. In the case of most of  
them, it was uneventful. In the Tendo-Saotome case, however--  
  
"Mom, you gotta be kidding me!"  
  
"Honestly, Ranma. It's a perfectly normal arrangement. Your  
father, Mr. Tendo, and I will take one cabin, while you girls take  
the other one."  
  
"But I'm not really a girl! I can't change in front of them!"  
protested Ranma.  
  
"And I'm SURE not going to change in front of that pervert!"  
snarled Akane.  
  
"I'm not particularly happy about it either," added Nabiki.  
  
"Oh, MY," flushed Kasumi.  
  
"My decision is made. Remember, Ranma at the moment IS a girl,  
and will remain one for slightly more than six weeks. Since she will  
have to spend at least a month changing in the girl's locker rooms  
when school begins again (multiple winces abounded) this will be good  
training for all of you."  
  
If looks could puree, Nodoka would have left in a one-pint  
Zip-Loc bag. As it were, the three girls and one girl in training  
entered their cabin.   
  
"If you peep at me even once--"  
  
"Like I wanna do that. Just you don't peep at me."  
  
"What?!?"  
  
"What I said."  
  
"Why would I want to peep at YOU?!?"  
  
"Well, Shampoo thinks you want to..."  
  
"RANMAAAAAA!"  
  
"Okay! Okay! Geez, you can't take any joke at all, can you?"  
  
"It's not funny--" And then Akane broke off at the sight of  
Nabiki rolling on the floor, laughing. "Well, I don't think it's  
funny. Hmph."  
  
"That's because you have the sense of humor of a brick, sis!"  
replied the sniggering Nabiki.  
  
Kasumi just blinked. Shrugged. And began to undress.  
  
Ranma freaked. "Wh--what are you DOING, Kasumi?!?"  
  
"Changing clothes for dinner. We're going out tonight, and  
should be dressed nicely. Why?"  
  
"But... but not in front of me? I mean..."  
  
"Like your mother said, we're all girls, right? Honestly, Ranma,  
Akane, I don't see why you're so upset. You've both seen each other  
in the nude before. So it's not as though there's anything new to  
see. And Ranma is a perfect gentleman, when she's not a lady. About  
things like that anyhow." Kasumi finished removing her skirt and  
blouse, folded them neatly, and picked a conservative gray and blue  
dress, and began to clothe herself again.  
  
Ranma and Akane stared at each other for a moment. Each had the  
same thought-- (If Kasumi can be casual about this, then so can I.)  
  
The first Anything Goes Martial Arts  
Taking-Off-Your-Clothes-While-Keeping-Your-Cool match began.  
  
And Nabiki dearly wished she knew who had been stealing all her  
film during it.  
  
Ranma and Akane carefully disrobed, staring into each other's  
eyes the entire time, refusing to give an inch-- or a blush. Soul of  
Ice indeed-- the room temperature practically dropped 10 degrees.  
  
Finally the two were down to their often-mentioned  
unmentionables.  
  
Still staring.  
  
"OK. I guess this doesn't count as peeping."  
  
"Nope. Like I said, I don't wanna peep at you. Or anyone."  
  
Akane couldn't decide weither to be angry or pleased. Refusing  
to peep meant not-pervert. That was a good thing. Refusing to peep  
at her suggested implications of uncute, unsexy, and the like. That  
was a bad thing. Ranma's sudden calm was... confusing.  
  
So Akane just stood there in her bra and panties and stared into  
Ranma's eyes.  
  
Ranma was feeling rather weird. Akane was cute-- in a way--  
almost sexy-- but it didn't matter. She was just another girl,  
technically, at the moment. Unlike most boys her age, Ranma was VERY  
familiar with the female body in all it's states of dress or undress.  
Somehow it didn't affect her the way it would, say, Daisuke, or  
Hiroshi, or Kuno, or Ryoga (Especially Ryoga). For her it was a  
matter of embarrassment. And right now, somehow, she wasn't  
embarrassed. Which was confusing.  
  
So Ranma just stood there in her bra and panties and stared into  
Akane's eyes.  
  
"Are you two going to get dressed?" asked a highly amused Nabiki.  
  
A pause, a long pause.  
  
The silence was broken by Akane saying, in a near total  
non-sequitur, "Nice bra."  
  
Ranma blinked. "Well, it's one of Mom's feminine days, so I  
can't wear my simple ones. I never saw Sailor Moon print panties  
before."  
  
Akane replied evenly, "It's my favorite show. I like print  
panties."  
  
"I prefer plain ones. Guess it's a matter of taste."  
  
"If you two are through discussing the merits of undergarment  
decorations, Miss Sailor Moon Panties, and Miss Black Lace Bra, you  
could get dressed," Nabiki snickered.  
  
THEN it hit them... they were standing in front of each other,  
well, not NAKED, but damn close, and they had been... CIVIL about it.  
  
Akane reddened and dashed to her suitcase. Ranma stood there for  
a moment in her scanty black lace bra and panties (Yes, they  
matched), reddened more than Akane, and dashed for hers. In an  
instant Akane was in a yellow skirt and pink blouse and Ranma was in  
a blue knee-length skirt (one of the fighting variety, of course) and  
a black lace-trimmed top.   
  
Nabiki grinned, and after they left the cabin, dressed herself.  
And to her chagrin was chided gently by Nodoka for being tardy. Thus  
is the balance of justice maintained.  
  
####  
  
"What's Italian food?"  
  
"Food from Italy, of course, Ranma," sniffed Akane. "If you paid  
more attention in Geography class-- or any of the rest of school--  
you'd be able to gue--"  
  
"I know THAT," interrupted an annoyed Ranma. "I mean what's it  
like?"  
  
Akane began to respond-- and froze. She suddenly realized that  
she didn't know the answer to that one.  
  
"Mostly pasta and sauces, dear," interjected Nodoka.  
  
"Oh. What's pasta?"  
  
"Ah. Noodles of many shapes and sizes."  
  
Ranma thought, carefully. "So, it's a ramen joint?"  
  
Nodoka chuckled. "No, it's not ramen. Although some Italian  
dishes are a little similar. You'll see."  
  
"Okay..."  
  
The restaurant, while not a four star type, was very nice indeed.  
Ranma hadn't been in a restaurant as nice as this since... actually,  
she wasn't certain she had ever been.  
  
Perusing the menu, a barrage of questions were directed at  
Nodoka, the only one of them who knew what anything other than pizza  
or spaghetti was. (And Ranma hadn't ever heard of spaghetti.)  
  
(Author's note. Pizza is in fact very popular in Japan.  
Although the Japanese like toppings that most westerners would  
consider eccentric. Such as corn, mayonnaise, and bonito flakes. If  
you order the special in Japan, you have been warned.)  
  
"What's lasagna?"  
  
"Ravioli? I don't know that."  
  
"Oh, Calimari is squid? But why do they fry it?"  
  
Nodoka began to wonder about her choice of restaurants.  
Especially since Ranma was apparently thinking of ordering everything  
and trying it. Which was NOT in the budget.  
  
When the waiter came by, he found himself in a quandary. A very  
very pretty red-headed girl began to ask him about EVERY item on the  
menu with an intensity usually reserved to food critics.  
  
"Ah... a bread-stick is a stick of bread, miss."  
  
"Pepperoni is a sort of dry sausage, miss."  
  
"No, Spaghetti is NOT Italian ramen, miss. Would you like to  
order?"  
  
Eventually, the inevitable happened. Everyone ordered, and then  
the last order was Ranma's. She ordered both lasagna AND  
ravioli...and pointed out that she expected both salads, both soups,  
and both everything else that came with them.  
  
"Miss? Are you sure? That's rather a lot of food..."  
  
Nodoka began to object to Ranma's order, when Genma laid a hand  
across her wrist. "Trust me, No-chan... when Ranma does this in  
girltype it ALWAYS works out."  
  
And for once, Genma was right. A familiar voice came from a  
nearby table. "Indeed, I find myself intrigued as well. The  
fire-haired goddess has ever had an appetite for the feminine  
victuals, sweets and the like-- but can even one as robust and  
spirited as she consume such a quantity of such rich and, indeed,  
manly food?"  
  
Nabiki grinned. "Kuno-baby. What are YOU doing here?"  
  
"Oh, great," Ranma whispered to Akane. "That moron followed us."  
  
"I am here with my sister," replied Kuno. "She is at the moment  
entranced before a mirror with a rather ludicrous amount of swimwear  
that she hopes to ensnare... bah, 'tis such a pleasant evening I  
cannot bring myself to speak his name."  
  
"Guess he didn't... but it's still a pain, Ranma," whispered  
Akane.  
  
"Still-- Pony-tailed one, do you truly think one so delicate as  
you, even with your formidable spirit, can truly consume such a  
repast? I think not, for you are far too fair and sylphlike for  
that."  
  
"Bets?" grinned Nabiki.  
  
"A wager? Against you? Hmm... for once, I can win. Surely such  
a delicate flower cannot eat in the manner of a trencherman. What  
stakes?"  
  
And THAT'S how the Tendo/Saotome party got dinner, dessert, and  
drinks free while Kuno missed out on a week of free photos. NEVER  
underestimate the appetite of Ranma Saotome-- unless Akane's cooking.  
  
####  
  
"Told you so, No-chan."  
  
####  
  
"I like that food. I like that ravioli best. It's like  
backwards ramen in sauce."  
  
"I can't believe you ate all that, Ranma. You're such a pig."  
  
"Hey-- I ate ladylike. Even Mom said so." Ranma carefully  
repressed a burp. Burps, Nodoka had emphasized, were NOT ladylike in  
public.  
  
"Ranchan!"  
  
Blink. "Ucchan? What-- what are YOU doing here?"  
  
"Oh, my grill broke down, so I decided that me and Konatsu could  
use a break. Did you know that the Italians make okonomiyaki?  
Except they call it pizza and bake it. It's pretty good."  
  
(Author's note-- Yes, Ukyo IS rather okonomiyaki focused. But  
that's not her fault, really.)  
  
"Um... I did. Funny to see you here at the same restaurant,  
though..."  
  
"Airen? What you do here?"  
  
"SHAMPOO?!? ACK!"  
  
"Why are you here, Shampoo?" asked Akane and Ukyo in chorus.  
  
"Hibachan think we need rest. Was happy with us-- even stupid  
Mousse-- when stop stick-boy and dress-wearing-boy from wrecking  
Nekohanten. So we take time off. Airen know Italian people make  
ramen? Only no broth and have funny sauce."  
  
(Any second now, it's an explosion of insane violence and I'll  
get blamed. Someone will say something about fiancee's, or I'll slip  
and say something stupid and Akane will get mad, or a freaking ALIEN  
will land and call them all names, or something--I just know it. And  
if I say anything-- ANYTHING-- that'll set it off.) Such were the  
thoughts of Ranma.  
  
So, without any warning-- she sped off like a very fast thing  
going, well, very very fast, leaving three fiancee's in the dust  
without any warning.   
  
Akane stared at the speeding martial artist. "What's got into  
her?"  
  
"Airen scared of violent girl! Shampoo find and comfort him!"  
  
"If he's scared of anyone, it's you, Miss Kitty," Ukyo  
interjected. "But it's weird that she ran off like that..."  
  
"We probably should find her," added Akane, contemplatively. She  
wasn't sure WHY Ranma had dashed off, but she was almost certain that  
she had seen a look of sheer dread on her face before she had.  
  
####  
  
Ranma stopped when she had got to what she considered a safe  
distance. And waited.  
  
Sure enough, three girls had pursued her. Well, it was  
inevitable.  
  
She spread her arms wide, and proclaimed, "All right, let's just  
get it over with."  
  
Three pursuing girls stopped and stared.   
  
"What are you talking about, Ranma?"  
  
"Yeah, Ranchan-- what ARE you talking about?"  
  
"Shampoo not understand Airen..."  
  
"Look," Ranma explained, "Almost every time you three get  
together something happens. And I get blamed. Then I get pummeled.  
Well, I decided that for once I don't wanna be part of wrecking some  
innocent place-- especially since they had such great food and I  
might wanna eat there again-- so go ahead and pummel me and get it  
out of the way."  
  
Three girls looked at one... and reacted in a manner completely  
unlike what Ranma had expected.  
  
They fell to the ground and began to cry.  
  
"You... you can't think that of us, Ranma...."  
  
"Airen hates Shampoo..."  
  
"Ranchan.. I never meant to..."  
  
For the first time, the three rivals were united in a single  
emotion-- guilt. Because even if they didn't believe that Ranma's  
statement was the case, it was damn clear that RANMA did.  
  
"I don't hate anyone. Well, not anyone here. I just thought  
that we could get the inevitable fight out of the way so we could  
have a nice weekend. I heal fast, after all--"  
  
That last statement bought the crying up to sheer unlimited  
bawling.  
  
"I'm sorry, Ranma! I didn't know you thought we would do that!"  
  
"Shampoo not want to make Airen's weekend unhappy! Shampoo  
sorry!"  
  
"God, Ranchan-- I never wanted to make you unhappy!"  
  
It slowly sank into Ranma's head that she had three virulent  
rivals all apologizing to her for something they hadn't even done  
yet.   
  
"It's... it's not like that... I'm supposed to be learning how to  
be a girl sort of, and I wanted to be just a normal girl this  
weekend-- well as normal as I can be, and just have fun, and well...  
past history and all... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to hurt your  
feelings..."  
  
There have been strange alliances in history. This was to be one  
of the stranger.  
  
Three girls looked at each other.  
  
"No fights," Ukyo said. It was not a suggestion.  
  
"Hai," Akane concurred.  
  
"Shampoo agree."  
  
Ranma blinked.  
  
"Ranchan get's to have fun."  
  
"Hai."  
  
"Much fun."  
  
Ranma stared.  
  
"This weekend, Ranchan doesn't have to fight anyone."  
  
"And if anyone starts one, WE'LL finish it."  
  
"Amazons protect other amazons, Ranma training to be amazon."  
  
And the three girls stood, and linked hands. While Ranma stared  
in shock.  
  
"United to protect Ranma's happiness this weekend!"  
  
"Ranchan will have a GREAT time!"  
  
"We work to make Ranma have happy time!"  
  
And in a weird unison-- almost synchronistic, in fact-- the three  
girl chorused--  
  
"Ranma Happiness Protection League!"  
  
And at this, Ranma passed out.  
  
####  
  
When she woke up, there was a concerned face meeting her bleary  
gaze.  
  
"Ranma... are you all right?"  
  
"Um... I think so, Akane... I thought... I thought I heard you  
say that you and Ucchan and Shampoo weren't going to fight..."  
  
"Shampoo did say that."  
  
"Ack!"  
  
"Ranchan, this is going to be a happy weekend for you! We won't  
let anyone get in the way of your having a fun time!"  
  
"ACK!" The only thing worse than evil intentions were GOOD ones!  
  
"We're... we're even going to leave you alone, if you want,  
Ranma..."  
  
Acks were no longer an option. The idea that ANYONE would leave  
her alone was... well, damn near alien.  
  
"Um... thanks?"  
  
"No prob, Ranchan! Glad to do it!"  
  
"The Ranma Happiness Protection League won't fail you, Ranma!"  
  
"Ai-- Ranma have VERY nice time at beach!"  
  
Ranma had a sudden sense of dread. Severe dread. World  
shattering, gut wrenching, mind bending dread.  
  
Of course, she was right.  
  
####  
  
Bedtime.  
  
Which Ranma had been dreading no end.  
  
As Kasumi laid out the futons that were kept in a closet in the  
cabin, Ranma debated on a difficult choice--  
  
Bra or no bra?  
  
If it hadn't been a "feminine" night, the question would have  
been a no-brainer. Pajamas were opaque, after all. But Nodoka had  
decreed that one night out of three Ranma would sleep in "womanly"  
garments. And since Nodoka had at times somewhat skewed ideas about  
womanly (nearly as skewed as her ideas about manly, in fact), that  
meant... wearing THAT.  
  
Which Ranma wouldn't have minded as much if she was alone in her  
own room, but with the three Tendo sisters here...  
  
"Ranma-chan, what's wrong?" asked Kasumi. "You seem disturbed."  
  
"Only 'cause I am. Kasumi, you really think there's nothin'  
wrong with me being undressed in front of girls while I am a girl?"  
  
"Well, I'll be honest-- I was a little uncertain at first, but  
your mother is right. You'll have to get used to it, and we probably  
should too. I've seen you wander around without a shirt in girltype  
before, though-- why are you so embarrassed now?"  
  
"I... I ain't sure. I guess part of it is this." And she held  
up THAT.  
  
Kasumi STARED. "Oh MY..."  
  
"Yeah, weird, isn't it? In almost everything else, Mom's pretty  
conservative-- you know how she reacted to my leathers. But get to  
swimwear or sleepwear and she get's kinda... weird."  
  
Kasumi stared at THAT. "Um... I suppose so?"  
  
"And wearing that ain't really the problem... it's... well..."  
  
"What, Ranma-chan?"  
  
"I can't get to sleep wearing a bra. I don't mind wearing it  
during the day, it's actually more comfortable, but somehow I can't  
sleep while wearing it. It get's kinda twisted in my-- well, I toss  
a lot when I sleep, and..." The trainee girl was blushing furiously  
now.  
  
"Oh, you too?"  
  
Ranma's jaw dropped. About a meter. "HUNH?"  
  
Kasumi shrugged. "I never can sleep in a bra myself. Well, all  
there is for it is to just accept it."  
  
Ranma was still trying to rewind her jaw.  
  
"And if you're worrying about Nabiki and photographs, I've taken  
care of that already."  
  
"You've... huh?"  
  
Kasumi giggled. "Your mother thought that it would be easier on  
you if someone kept my sister's financial impulses in check during  
the more personal parts of your training. Honestly, though, I don't  
know what I'm going to do with all that film..."  
  
Ranma blinked. "Arigato, Kasumi..."  
  
"Anyhow, we better get ready for bed. You might as well get  
ready now so that it's over with when the others get here."  
  
And without further ado, Kasumi began to undress. Again.  
  
Ranma flushed. "Ka--kasumi..."  
  
"Oh, Ranma... it's just us girls." She had decided that Ranma  
was for now just another girl-- never mind how she did it, she just  
had-- and was casually unsnapping her bra.  
  
(It's just us girls. Kasumi says it's just us girls.)  
  
(Then... so be it, it's just us girls.)  
  
And Ranma began to undress as well, keeping cool. Keeping in  
control. Refusing to panic, refusing to be embarrassed.  
  
Soul of ice. Hell, soul of liquid nitrogen.  
  
A little later Nabiki and Akane returned to the cabin. Nabiki  
had managed to find a late-open shop that had one single precious  
roll of Fuji film for sale. Akane had finalised the agreement with  
the other members of the temporary RHPL. Both froze at the sight in  
front of them.  
  
Kasumi was in her usual understated white cotton nightgown. Very  
modest, very subdued, very Kasumi.  
  
Ranma, on the other hand, was in a powder blue nightie, that had  
spaghetti-straps, barely reached her hips, and was damn near  
transparent. Except for the black lace panties, that was all. It  
was terribly obvious that she wasn't wearing a bra.  
  
That wasn't the freezing part, though. What was was the phrase  
that had greeted them.  
  
"Well, actually, it feels kinda nice. It's all smooth and soft  
on the skin, see? I mean, when I'm a boy, it wouldn't feel the same  
way, but this body has different feelings. I can't really explain--  
Oh, konbanwa, Akane, Nabiki."  
  
Ranma turned back to Kasumi with apparent unconcern, and  
continued, "It's really more how it looks, see? More feminine than I  
like."  
  
Kasumi nodded wisely. "I can see that, Ranma-chan. I'm not  
certain I'd ever have the nerve to wear something like that..."  
  
"Well, Mom says I have to get used to my feminine side-- and you  
don't get much more feminine than this, I guess. Well, the teddy  
comes close."  
  
Akane simply sat down next to the pair and stared. With very  
wide eyes. And some confusion.  
  
"Akane," commented Kasumi, "You know how recently Ranma stays in  
her room every third night and is reluctant to come out?"  
  
Akane nodded.  
  
"This is why. Because Ranma and I share a problem."  
  
"You... you have multiple fiancees too?"  
  
"No, Akane. That's silly. No, it's--"  
  
"You have a Jusenkyo curse?"  
  
"NO, Akane. Neither Ranma or I can sleep well in a bra, and  
since her mother says that one night out of three she has to wear  
very feminine sleepwear, she was understandably embarrassed. We were  
having a talk about it, and-- oh dear."  
  
Nabiki was frantically fumbling with her camera. THIS photo  
would sell for-- huh?  
  
At the sight of Nabiki's photographic preparations, Akane went  
into full RHPL mode. Taking and selling pictures of Ranma in that  
outfit definitely went against the plan to make certain that Ranma  
had a happy and fun weekend. Which was why the camera was suddenly  
not there.  
  
"You aren't going to sell any pictures of Ranma in that outfit,"  
said Akane coldly.  
  
Nabiki stared at the wreck of what had been a camera. "But...  
but... all that yen..."  
  
"This is Ranma's happy weekend. NO photos. Or... or I'll  
evaluate you."  
  
Nabiki began to regain control. "And what does that mean, little  
sister?"  
  
"You have been lax in your training. You used to train with  
Daddy and me. I think your skills have slipped. I should find out  
how much."  
  
Nabiki froze-- again. Akane was DEAD serious. And no amount of  
yen would be worth the pain that the youngest daughter was apparently  
willing to inflict.   
  
The status quo had changed somehow and Nabiki had missed it.  
"But... but... "  
  
"You can take a couple of pics of me in my swimsuit tomorrow if  
you like, Nabiki," interjected Ranma. "But I get half of whatever  
you take in. Modelling fees."  
  
"But... but... but..."  
  
"That seems fair," Kasumi said. "Really, Nabiki, taking pictures  
of girls without asking them first isn't very polite."  
  
"But... but... but... but..."  
  
Nabiki was, basically, experiencing something that until now had  
only happened to others. Near total brain crash.   
  
"Anyhow, I'm tired," added Ranma. "Let's just go to sleep,  
'kay?"  
  
"I agree," Akane said.  
  
"**yawn** Hai, Ranma-chan. Tomorrow will probably be a very  
active day, ne?" suggested Kasumi.  
  
Four girls went to sleep. One of them kept saying the word  
"But..." all night.  



	7. Girl Days 6 part 2

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic  
  
By Robert Haynie  
  
(And here we go with the disclaimer thing again!)  
  
part Six, section two: Life's a beach-- let's hit it!  
  
####  
  
It was a beautiful morning. Just beautiful. The sun rose like  
the very eye of God, the sky was an intense sky-blue (a good thing,  
since if it had been an intense sky-green we'd have an entirely  
different sort of fanfic, wouldn't we?) and the breeze from the  
mile-away beach held the tang of the ocean.  
  
And Ranma couldn't decide which swimsuit to wear.  
  
Oh, sunbathing was something easy, of course. That was the teal  
and gold-chain bikini. If she wanted to sunbathe she'd just change  
in one of the change booths that dotted the beach. She intended to  
swim first, which meant one of the one-pieces. But which one?  
  
There was the black one. Well, actually it was black with a  
single inch-wide green stripe running vertically down the left side  
of the front. It was high cut on the hips and low cut in the front  
and back, and fit her like a glove. You could swim in it.  
  
Then there was the other one. This one was actually what Ranma  
thought of as a one and a half piece. It was technically a one  
piece, but was made of blue mesh, with panels in bikini-coverage  
places. Smallish panels. Somehow she felt more naked in that suit  
than in the bikini. There was little to no doubt that it was meant  
specifically to make the wearer look one hundred percent HOT.  
  
Then again, the black one did the same on her. No matter which  
suit she wore, she was going to have problems with many many boys  
hitting on her. Which meant that she'd likely have to hit many many  
boys.  
  
The life of a Martial Artist is fraught with peril, her father  
had said for years. Turning down lewd propositions was one peril  
that had never been a factor before Jusenkyo .  
  
She couldn't ask the others, of course. Kasumi wouldn't suggest  
either-- too "risky" for her tastes. Nabiki would suggest the mesh  
and Akane would say the black. And Mom wouldn't understand the  
problem.  
  
She flipped a coin. Tails. The mesh.  
  
Well... time to get with the others, she mused, after donning the  
revealing suit and slipping one of her Chinese shirts over it as a  
coverup. Mom couldn't object this time, could she?  
  
Nodoka, actually, didn't. In girlform, Ranma + Chinese Shirt -  
Chinese Pants = Cute Girl in sleeveless minidress. Especially when  
she was wearing a revealing swimsuit and not boxers.  
  
And the party headed to the beach.  
  
As did others.  
  
####  
  
"Hibachan, we go now?"  
  
"Of course, Shampoo. Come on, mister Part-Time."  
  
Mousse shrugged. He may have been wearing trunks under his  
robes, but he was wearing robes right now nonetheless. There was no  
way he could carry all that the old mummy wanted him to carry without  
them.   
  
Especially the portable cabana.  
  
####  
  
"Konatsu-chan, hurry! We want to get a good spot at the-- oh my  
GOD. I knew you crossdressed, but..."  
  
"I don't look right, Ukyo-sama?"  
  
"You... you look great. That's what's scary. Well, come on..."  
  
####  
  
"Brother, Speedos and a bokken don't go together."  
  
"..."  
  
####  
  
"Where on earth am I NOW?"  
  
####  
  
"Ah... gather your strength, Happy, gather your strength. Soon  
enough you will have your greatest adventure ever!"   
  
Evil laughter abounded.  
  
####  
  
It was a short bus trip to the beach. It was also, in the view  
of most of the passengers, a weird one.  
  
Genma had been to the beach post curse, and was always unhappy  
that he would inevitably go panda. Not so much being a panda, but  
rather that he didn't really fit in at a beach as a panda. Well,  
this time he had an idea about that.  
  
His idea was to start off as a panda. Now, this sort of made  
sense, since it was sure to happen anyway.  
  
But pandas don't usually wear really really oversized swimtrunks  
and tie-dyed t-shirts. Genma was the world's first beach panda. He  
was even wearing flip-flops. BIG panda-sized flip-flops.   
  
Ranma sighed. Panda no baka.  
  
As the bus arrived at the beach, a lifeguard stared at the  
disembarking panda. "Hey-- no pets allowed. Not even trained ones."  
  
"That's not a pet," Nodoka retorted. "That's my unworthy  
husband."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"That's my husband."  
  
"You're married to a panda?"  
  
"He's not a panda. Not usually. Well, actually he is fairly  
often. Shameful, isn't it?"  
  
"It-- he's not a... Look, I don't understand. What are you  
trying to pull, lady?"  
  
"Ranma, thermos."  
  
Splash.  
  
"It needn't be quite THAT hot, boy! EEEP!"  
  
Mixed gasps and giggles began to emerge from the bus crowd.  
Genma was not a small man, but he was a damn sight smaller than his  
panda form. The result was that his panda-sized trunks decided to be  
law-abiding. Law of gravity, that is.   
  
In the past Genma had been exposed as a fool, exposed as a thief,  
exposed as a buffoon, and exposed as a greedy scoundrel.  
  
Now he was just plain exposed.  
  
While Akane flushed, Kasumi averted her eyes, and Ranma and  
Nabiki did their best to keep from exploding in mirth, Genma quickly  
gathered the trunks up as best as he could, and growled, "Cold Water.  
Please."  
  
"So you see, he's not a--"  
  
The lifeguard had a sense of impending doom. "Whatever. Go on.  
I don't want to think about it."  
  
As the party passed on, a thought entered the lifeguard's brain,  
lagging behind the shock.  
  
(Boy?)  
  
####  
  
Nabiki slipped off her beach robe, revealing one of her standard  
bikinis. Small. Daring. Black. And barely there. She'd slip into  
a one-piece if she decided to go into the water.  
  
Akane wore a simple red and black striped one-piece, and swore  
that this time she would learn to swim.  
  
Kasumi was in a blue and modest one-piece.   
  
Nodoka was in a suit similar to Kasumi's, except it was grey.  
  
And Ranma--  
  
Caused a commotion as soon as she slipped off the Chinese  
"dress".  
  
A small group of boys, out for that time honored sport of  
girl-watching, were just plain in heaven. THAT many cute females...  
in one group? The gods must be kind.  
  
"Look at the redhead!"  
  
"The one in the red suit is pretty cute, too."  
  
"Look at the redhead!"  
  
"They're all cute. Even the older one."  
  
"Look at the redhead!"  
  
"Aw, she's probably their mom. Good looking mom, though."  
  
"Look at the redhead!"  
  
"That one in the blue suit ain't bad either. Or the one in the  
black bikini."  
  
"Look at the redhead!"  
  
"I dunno, she looks kinda scary in a way. But scary ain't bad  
with a body like that!"  
  
"Look at the redhead!"  
  
"You know, Koji, I think you kinda like the redhead."  
  
"Look at the-- well, damn, she's got to be the most beautiful  
thing I have ever seen... "  
  
"It's getting better."  
  
"How could it get better?"  
  
"Look what's coming to join them."  
  
"Oh... GOD..."  
  
The night before, the Ranma Happiness Preservation League had  
decided to meet, and to protect Ranma from unhappiness. Part of that  
was to stay close but not to actually join up with the Tendo-Saotome  
party.   
  
But the beach was pretty crowded, and by the demands of  
synchronicity, the only open spaces with a reasonable distance were  
right next to that same group.   
  
So the Nekohanten crowd set up to one side and the Ucchan's duo  
set up to the other. And Ranma began to sweat. Not from the heat,  
either.  
  
"Whoa-- look at that!"  
  
"Yeah, THREE more babes!"  
  
Three?  
  
Well, to the uninformed eye, yes.  
  
Ukyo wore a yellow two-piece with blue trim of fairly modest cut.  
  
Shampoo, who quite frankly had little concept of the idea of  
modesty, wore a bikini that was as tiny as Nabiki's, only red.  
  
And Konatsu-- looked like a girl.  
  
It should be understood that there was one major difference  
between Konatsu and Tsubasa, the crossdresser kings-- or was that  
queens?-- of Japan. Tsubasa only dressed like a girl because he was  
convinced that Ukyo liked it. Konatsu, on the other hand, had been  
raised as a girl, held a self image as a girl, and likely would have  
happily leapt in the Nyannichuan if the opportunity had ever  
presented itself.  
  
Konatsu was GOOD at looking like a girl.  
  
As the modest green skirted one-piece attested. Had the Nerima  
contingent not known that she was actually a he, they... well,  
wouldn't have known it.  
  
Ranma stared. (As did a lot of other people.) And said,  
uncertainly, "Nice swimsuit, Ko-chan?"  
  
"Arigato, Ranma-san. Ukyo-sama liked it too."  
  
Shampoo peered at Ranma. "Ranma wear very... um..."  
  
"Sexy?" interjected Nabiki, grinning.  
  
"That word." Shampoo was NOT happy with Girl Days. Even if  
Hibachan DID approve. Not only was she interested in the male  
Ranma-- and only the male Ranma-- but it was somewhat disturbing that  
Ranma was wearing a suit that even she would think twice about.  
(Only twice. Third time around, the suit's on.)  
  
"Thanks, Sham-chan", giggled Ranma, deciding to go into full  
kawaii-as-a-bucket-of-plush-toys mode. "Mom picked it out."  
  
Shampoo began (like many others) to severely wonder about Nodoka  
Saotome.  
  
Meanwhile, on the girl-watcher's front--  
  
"Whoa-- check out the one with the purple hair!"  
  
"Yeah, SERIOUS babe!"  
  
"Almost as good as the redhead!"  
  
"Koji, she's BETTER."  
  
"I like the one with the yellow two-piece. She's CUTE!"  
  
"Hmm... the one in green is kinda cute also."  
  
A long pause.  
  
"There's something about her, though..."  
  
"She looks the real shy and ladylike type, yeah."  
  
"Look at the red--"  
  
"We get the idea, Koji! We get the idea!"  
  
"Hey, Ichiro, what are you staring at? All the girls are over--  
whoa."  
  
The new distraction was a private pavilion with an adjoining  
change room. There Tatewaki Kuno was idly dozing, dreaming of  
infinite glories and inevitable victories (especially over  
you-know-who), while Kodachi was stepping out of the change room  
in...   
  
This one was hard to describe. Basically it was ribbons.  
Carefully wound silver ribbons-- yes, gleaming metallic silver-- that  
concealed the parts that had to be concealed while revealing enough  
to be revealing period. It was carefully planned for a maximum  
effect on the male libido. It was meant to ensnare the heart of her  
Ranma-sama.  
  
If it wasn't for the fact that her Ranma-sama, contrary to what  
many believed, wasn't a suicidal maniac, it might have had a chance.  
As it was, Ranma caught it out of the corner of her eye, deduced it's  
purpose, and shuddered.  
  
The pack of boys were in girl-watcher's heaven. Somehow they  
were flanked by amazing amounts of feminine pulchritude. This, as  
any normally hormonal boy can tell you, is a Good Thing.  
  
Well, usually.  
  
That's when Cologne decided to take off her robes and appear in  
HER swimsuit.   
  
The author refuses to describe this one because the image of  
Cologne in a swimsuit is too hideous for even HE to envision. You  
should all be very thankful for that.  
  
The pack of boys suddenly passed out.  
  
They weren't as lucky as YOU, Honored Readers.  
  
As the day moved on, Ranma and company did a bit of swimming  
(Except for Akane, who did a bit of sinking before being convinced  
that maybe this wasn't her day to learn how to swim after all), a bit  
of playing, during which Genma's experience with a beach-ball when  
impersonating a panda paid off, and a lot of careful not fighting.  
  
The three members of the RHPL were incredibly careful to be  
polite to each other, to not fawn over or assault Ranma, and to  
generally just treat her like one of the gang. This was beginning to  
get on Ranma's nerves in much the same way that calming and peaceful  
things don't. Ranma was convinced that someone would say something  
that would start, if not World War Three, then at least a healthy  
local police action.  
  
She expected it to happen at lunch.   
  
As lunchtime rolled around, Kasumi began laying out the  
sandwiches and cold rice and pickles and sushi and-- well, lots of  
other Kasumi-ish picnic type foodstuffs. To Ranma's dread, she also  
smelled from one side the odor of Okonomiyaki in preparation and to  
the other a spicy aroma of some rapid Chinese preparation. She  
expected another bout of "Ranma will eat MY cooking!"  
  
But, to her absolute astonishment, Shampoo carried a bowl of  
heavily topped ramen over to Ukyo, who served Shampoo an elaborate  
okonomiyaki, and nodded.   
  
"This is pretty good, Shampoo. Guess even I can use a change  
from okonomiyaki once in a while."  
  
"Shampoo think same about ramen. This have shrimp in it?"  
  
"Sure does, girl. And bonito. What's this spicy flavor?"  
  
"Szechuwan bean paste, make spicy broth Chinese style."  
  
"I have to admit, I like it. Hmm... where do you get that bean  
paste? Could make a new 'yaki sauce."  
  
It was beginning to look like the other shoe that Ranma had been  
dreading all morning wasn't going to drop after all.  
  
Bit by bit the three groups had melded into one, and food began  
to be shared all around. Cologne was impressed by Kasumi's special  
sandwiches and the thermos filled with Nodoka's special Shrimp and  
Rice soup. Akane got a weird idea which Shampoo and Ukyo decided to  
try. Which was how Ranma taste-tested the first ramen okonomiyaki.  
(It was actually pretty good.)   
  
And Ranma was relaxing. There was a LOT of food. And she was  
getting enough. Even the one thing that Akane had prepared-- a  
simple salad-- had turned out to be edible. This was possibly one of  
the best days of her life.  
  
After such a meal, the next thing was to relax it off. Just lay  
back and sun.  
  
Ranma changed her swimsuit to the teal bikini, (causing much joy  
from the pack who were still watching) and laid back. What a nice  
day! The Fiancee Front was getting along-- maybe even making friends  
a little bit-- Mousse hadn't attacked her at all, no weirdness, no  
food poisoning, no grand battle for her life... She was feeling  
something unfamiliar. Something she hadn't felt in a long long time.  
What was the word, again?  
  
Oh, yeah. Contentment.  
  
####  
  
Ryoga was in a state of near panic. Water. EVERYWHERE water.  
Ocean and pools and a lagoon-like thing and coolers filled with  
melting ice and ocean (yes, he'd thought about that once, but there  
was a LOT of ocean) and...  
  
And he KNEW all of it was waiting to pounce on him and once again  
rip him of his humanity. And since he'd seen no less than twenty  
barbecues while here in this hellish place, a small black potential  
pork roast was NOT something he wanted to be.  
  
If only he had some tiny idea WHICH accursed beach he was at. It  
could be any in Japan. On any island. He sometimes suspected that  
some of the places he'd been weren't actually IN Japan. At least, he  
was fairly certain that there wasn't a Swedish speaking colony on any  
of the islands. He hoped he was wrong, though.  
  
But he was certain of one thing. He was lost. Again. The only  
thing that was at all good at the moment was the shade of the tree he  
was under. That wasn't enough.  
  
The familiar feelings of depression and angst began to well up.  
Heavy chi welled up into his breast, as the misery of his pitiful  
life preyed on his mind. And worst of all, at this particular moment  
in time he couldn't even find a way to blame Ranma for any of his  
present situation (except for the everpresent danger of becoming a  
pig of course). He looked up into the sky, just after screaming a  
familiar phrase.  
  
"SHI SHI HOKODAN!"  
  
As the ball of depression chi shot off into the air, Ryoga  
realized that the shade he'd been standing in wasn't a tree, after  
all. It was-- Oh, no.  
  
"A watertower? Why me? WHY BWEE?"  
  
Well, a watertower with a large hole in it now. P-chan walked on  
after dragging his clothes and umbrella to a safe place. Carefully  
avoiding barbecues.  
  
####  
  
(Almost time, Happy. Wait for it to get to the peak crowds...  
then you can have real fun.)  
  
####  
  
"You know, Akane, I'm actually having a nice time," Ranma said as  
she sunned.  
  
"We said you would, didn't we?" interjected Ukyo.  
  
"Ranma have fun this weekend," added Shampoo.  
  
"That may change," frowned Akane. "I think that pack of admirers  
has someone in it who's getting up the courage to talk to someone.  
And guess who I think it is?"  
  
"Well, Akane-chan, a boy'd have to be dead not to want to strike  
up a conversation with Ranchan in her present state. But it would  
annoy her, so we should deflect him, I guess."  
  
"Aw, you don't have to go to all that trouble, I been expecting  
it. All I gotta say is no, right?"  
  
"That ever work before? Even with some people who know the  
truth?" pointed out Akane.  
  
"Well, one can always hope?" Ranma shrugged.  
  
"Shampoo think maybe no and punch in face?"  
  
"Why sink to violence so soon, sugar?"  
  
"Work for Mousse."  
  
"Since when?"  
  
The youth approached and zeroed in on Ranma, as Akane had  
expected. "Hey, beautiful," he asked with all the panache of a  
streetcorner flasher, "Where have you been all my life?"  
  
Ranma groaned. "Well, for the past year Nerima. Now I'm not--"  
She stopped her rejection as the boy paled and stumbled away.  
  
"What got into him?" Ukyo wondered.  
  
Back the pack, Koji blurted, "We don't want anything to do with  
those girls. They're from Nerima. My cousin Hiroshi goes to  
Furinkan High there, and I just recognized some of the descriptions.  
And they are ALL lethal martial artists who are known not to like  
being asked out on dates."  
  
"You're kidding."  
  
"Nope. Especially the redhead. 'Roshi isn't very clear about  
her, but she's supposed to be the worst of the lot-- and their  
boyfriend is even more dangerous."  
  
"THEIR boyfriend?"  
  
"Apparently they all want to marry this guy who 'Roshi says can  
leap over buildings and throw fireballs. 'Roshi is probably  
exaggerating, but I don't wanna get slapped by no dan ranking anyway.  
No, I for one ain't going back."  
  
The others sighed disappointedly. And a few later neglected that  
suggestion. But that's another story...  
  
####  
  
Clean-up completed, the sunning resumed. This time the gazes  
from the pack were somewhat subdued as Koji related horror story  
after horror story from his cousin. By the time it was safe to  
return to the water, he'd painted a picture of impossible weirdness  
and sheer non-stop violence that the human mind could barely conceive  
of.  
  
In other words, he got it pretty much right. Except no-one had  
ever actually been eaten.  
  
"It's been such a nice day, Ranma," sighed Akane. "So peaceful,  
so pleasant."  
  
"Yeah," agreed Ranma, suppressing a burp.  
  
"I only wish-- look, Ranma, isn't that-- it is! It IS!"  
  
"Mmmmmm?" the redhead commented, soaking in the bliss of a warm  
sun, a cool breeze, and a great meal.  
  
"P-CHAN!" squealed Akane in glee, and dashed off to gather her  
pet up.  
  
Whose eyes went VERY wide. Why was it that recently he kept  
meeting Akane wearing.... and pressing him into those... those...  
  
Neural Shutdown followed as P-chan tried to look away from Akane  
and those... those... and got an eyeful of Ranma, Shampoo, Ukyo, and  
Nabiki, also wearing... and with rather obvious those.   
  
"Oh, Ranma, I think P-chan's been hurt! He's not moving and his  
nose is bleeding!" wailed Akane.  
  
"I'm sure he'll be all right," Ranma said dryly.   
  
When P-chan came to, he steeled himself to the sight of so much--  
and so developed-- female flesh and tried to simply enjoy the small  
tidbits that Akane pressed on him. Ranma snorted, but kept her  
peace. She was simply in too good a mood to antagonize Akane with  
her first impulses. (Most were related to the phrase "pigskin" in  
American style football.)  
  
She leaned back, and sighed. Perhaps a little less content--  
Ryoga she wasn't looking forward to meeting this time-- but still  
pretty much so. She picked up a cold drink, wrapped her lips around  
the straw, and froze.  
  
There was a sound.  
  
A familiar sound.  
  
A chillingly familiar sound.  
  
The sound of a crowd of outraged female voices all crying for  
vengeance, justice, and especially a good bludgeoning.  
  
And the voice-- the familiar, hated voice--  
  
"SWEETO!"  
  
"Oh, no. Not HIM. The day was going so well... why did HE have  
to show up?"  
  
Akane, Ukyo, and Shampoo all looked at each other and formed a  
protective ring around Ranma. No WAY was she going to get glomped by  
the ancient pervert this ti--  
  
Yeah, right. Happosai didn't know why three very curvy girls  
were suddenly protecting someone in the middle of them, but he knew  
that someone had to be really really special. He performed a simple  
slide between Ukyo and Shampoo, leapt straight up-- and latched onto  
heaven!  
  
What a perfect figure! What wonderful globes of feminine  
mammality! What a skimpy skimpy bikini! What gorgeous red--  
  
Uh-oh.  
  
Happosai looked up. The hair might have been unbound, but the  
eyes were unmistakable. Blue, wide, beautiful-- and very very angry.  
  
"Ranma-chan, surely you aren't going to begrudge an old man his  
innocent pleasures?"  
  
"Die," suggested Ranma. "No, bleed, bruise, be broken, and THEN  
die."  
  
"I guess you are. Oh, well..."  
  
Before Ranma could react, Happosai managed to grope Ukyo, fondle  
Shampoo, glomp Akane, and dash away at incredible speed-- pausing  
only for a quick squeeze on Nabiki. For a moment the party froze,  
and then--  
  
"Is Ranma's happy weekend-- we handle it."  
  
"Yeah, Ranchan, leave it to us."  
  
"Ranma, you just relax and we'll... uh-oh."  
  
The uh-oh was because Ranma was glowing. Glowing blue... in  
sheer anger. Her face was a strange mixture of feminine rage and  
masculine fury. Her fists were clenched, her teeth were audibly  
grinding, and her eyes were apparently turning red.  
  
"Happy Weekend. You wanna know what'll make me happy? Pounding  
that pervert into dust will make me happy!"  
  
"Oh... can we help?"  
  
"Yeah, Ranchan, please?"  
  
"Shampoo want HURT old pervert!"  
  
Ranma just nodded. And then noticed that there were a pack of  
other girls around her-- looking at her with wide and respectful  
eyes. What was going on?  
  
And Akane pointed at Ranma and said, "Follow our leader!"  
  
The bloodthirsty cheer went up.  
  
####  
  
Kodachi was pleased. This was a swimsuit that only the dead  
could ignore, and surely her Ranma-sama was so full of life, that he  
would gather her up in his muscular arms and tug at the ribbons just  
like the little shriveled...  
  
What?  
  
She stared at what seemed to be some sort of gnome. Tugging  
curiously at the hip-ribbon of her one-of-a-kind-only-for-  
Ranma-Sama-to-do-THAT swimsuit. "Hunh. Never saw one like that   
before. How does this work..."  
  
TUG.  
  
Happosai was draped with ribbons. And was staring in wide-eyed  
wonder at Kodachi, who was draped in air.  
  
"Hotcha! That's something new! Easy open packaging!"  
  
Kodachi was paralyzed in mixed fury and chagrin. Then she became  
aware of two separate cries of rage. One from her brother, who had  
just come out of the change room to put on a t-shirt, and a larger  
one from a mob of women heading this way very fast. Oddly, the mob  
seemed to have a small sub-tone of piglet squealing added in. (Yes,  
Ryoga was pissed too.)  
  
And leading the mob was the red-haired witch that her brother was  
so erroneously enamored of. Glowing-- literally-- in fury.  
  
Happosai bounced off again after a quick (and very unwanted) hug.  
Kodachi stood for a moment more-- and dashed into the change room  
very very fast indeed. As she came out in a somewhat modest  
two-piece in purple, with a black rose applique on one breast, she  
confronted the redhead.  
  
"Have you also been affronted by that... that thing?"  
  
"You got it, Kodachi. And this time is the last time."  
  
"You are familiar with... it?"  
  
"SHE'S our LEADER!" chorused the mob.  
  
"For once we have common cause. That... that..."  
  
"Happosai," interjected Kuno, in tones of disgust. "The one  
redeeming feature of the Sorcerer Saotome is that he apparently  
loathes that creature as much as all right-thinking people do."  
  
"Whatever. I suggest that we.... that is, we would do well to...  
aw, hell, let's CREAM the bastard!" snarled Kodachi, deciding that  
for once it could be useful to be a commoner.  
  
"What she said," added Kuno. "This vile troll will not withstand  
our just wrath!"  
  
"Shampoo with you!"  
  
"Same here, Sempai!"  
  
"For Ranchan and women around the world!"  
  
"Bweee!"  
  
Ranma stood straight. For a moment she didn't look like a babe  
in a bikini (although she was, let's not forget) but like some arcane  
goddess of war and justice. "Happosai-- today you PAY!"  
  
Further down the beach, a shriveled old pervert sneezed.  
  
####  
  
"What is this, Hiro?"  
  
"Oh, just something I made on my lunch hour."  
  
"You made a cocktail umbrella on your lunch hour? But that's  
what we make when working."  
  
"Pick it up."  
  
"Well, ok, but-- Hey, this thing must weigh a kilogram!"  
  
"Ayup. It's a model of a Combat Umbrella."  
  
"A what?"  
  
"Used by a very few families in an unorthodox combat style. My  
family makes them for those families. I just made this for fun-- a  
full size one can weigh up to 75 kilos. And do a LOT of damage  
also."  
  
"Weird. Very weird."  
  
"Yeah-- HEY! What was that?!?"  
  
"I'm not sure, but I THINK a small black piglet wearing a  
bandanna stole your model."  
  
"Oh. Funny... that piglet reminded me of someone..."  
  
Ryoga, meet Synchronicity. For once being nice to you.  
  
####  
  
As the mob dashed out to find the target for today, Ukyo realized  
something. Something bad.  
  
"Damn! Ranchan, I don't have my combat spats! I was trying so  
hard to be peaceful I didn't bring them!"  
  
"Aiya! Shampoo no have bonbori either!"  
  
"Blast-- I only have about a dozen weapons for basic defense!  
Shampoo made me leave most at the cabin because she didn't want any  
fights and I had to make room for everything Cologne wanted me to  
carry!"  
  
"I haven't even a ribbon! That pervert took the only one I had  
while I was wearing it!"  
  
"Well, ain't a lot we can do about that right... Holy. There IS  
a Kami-sama," grinned Ranma, pointing at a nearby shop.  
  
And all stared at the signboard... and grinned.  
  
####  
  
"Good sir. I and my compatriots would avail you of your wares."  
  
Old Mister Nagayosi looked up into a pair of piercing dark eyes  
and froze. Those eyes were in the company of at least thirty very  
pretty ladies in swimwear. Said ladies were pouring over his stock  
with grim determination.  
  
"Um... sure?"  
  
"Chinese damsel, Sister, Beauteous Chef-- choose your weapons."  
He looked at the crowd of beach beauties, who were realizing they had  
no money in their various swimsuits, and added, "Indeed- everyone  
may have one, and the Blue Thunder will meet the cost. Generosity is  
the hallmark of the Samurai, and justice must be fulfilled. SASUKE!"  
  
Nagayosi almost had a heart attack as a small form popped up from  
apparently nowhere. "Master?"  
  
"My wallet. And sir, would you show me you finest wares? I wish  
to purchase one for a person who is dear to me, and it should be of  
extra quality."  
  
"Um... what is it for?"  
  
"The punishment of the unholy and perverse.'  
  
"So... either Happosai or Ryo. Figures. I think I may have  
something special..."  
  
Nagayosi grinned. And to think he was worried about staying in  
the black this year. Instead, it looked to be a bumper quarter for  
the Nagayosi Mallet Factory Outlet.  
  
####  
  
"This is for you, my fire-haired love."  
  
"Um... Kuno-sempai, I'm really better with my fists..."  
  
"As a token of my esteem, I insist."  
  
"I hate to admit it-- but this is almost sweet of you."  
  
Ranma looked at the gift and... grinned.  
  
####  
  
Happosai chortled. He'd lost them for sure. None of them, of  
course, had ever had a chance against-- Why, there was Akane-chan  
now, waiting for his loving embrace! Once he got past the mallet, of  
course.  
  
As she swung, he danced back-- and suddenly felt an impact on his  
head. A hard one. He spun--  
  
And there was Ranma-chan. With a mallet.  
  
And Ukyo. With a mallet.  
  
And Kodachi. With a mallet.  
  
And Shampoo. With TWO mallets she was twirling like Bonbori.  
  
And Mousse, who had improvised with a large quantity of smaller  
mallets tied to nylon cords in his sleeves.  
  
And Kuno, who bore a mallet in one hand and his bokken in the  
other.  
  
And Nabiki. Taking bet's with passerby on how long he'd last.  
With a mallet shaped pen.  
  
And many many very angry girls. And they ALL had mallets.  
  
There was also a small black piglet with a cocktail umbrella in  
it's mouth.  
  
(This MIGHT hurt a bit,) thought Happosai.  
  
Actually, that was remarkably prescient of him.  
  
As he scrambled to escape (after the first three hundred impacts)  
he realized he had to somehow recharge. No time for glomps-- they  
were leaving him vulnerable to malleting. Idly (and painfully) he  
wondered if Akane had opened her own dojo. If so, she certainly had  
more than her share of students.  
  
And what was with the piglet? His buttocks were still smarting  
from multiple pokes with the damn umbrella.  
  
He couldn't think. He was too low on energy. Ranma-chan was so  
unappreciative of his innocent attentions. So were the other Neriman  
girls. So were ALL the girls. He couldn't understand it. Why were  
they so upset?  
  
He managed to lose the pack of raging females for a moment, and  
saw a cabin. Perhaps there would be something in there--  
  
And there was. Oh, there WAS. He saw them. Black. Lacy.  
Skimpy. Used, since they were in a plastic bag for taking home. And  
so incredibly feminine they would surely give him the energy to  
escape.  
  
He grabbed the bra, tying it on his head, started fondling the  
panties-- silkiest of silky darlings-- opened the paths of his chi--  
  
And screamed in uncomprehending agony as all his power was  
twisted, torn, and rendered totally useless. As he passed out he  
wondered--  
  
"Why? Why did the panties betray me?"  
  
####  
  
"Actually, it's very simple," Cologne said, smirking at the  
chained pervert in the corner, who was still babbling in confusion.  
"Although Ranma's body is female, his-- or her-- inner self is  
primarily male. True, there is male and female-- yin and yang, if  
you will-- in all persons, but Ranma is an essentially male soul with  
female overtones."  
  
"So how did that stop the old perv?" asked Ranma, slightly  
confused.  
  
"Happosai was seeking the residual female chi that he needed to  
recharge. However, when he did that, he also opened himself to the  
residual MALE chi that you generate, Ranma. And since you generate a  
LOT of chi, that overwhelmed him. His perverse nature couldn't  
handle all that masculine force. The result? One brain-fried  
Happosai."  
  
"I like cheese," opined Happosai.  
  
"I'm not certain I understand," said Akane.  
  
"Well, Happy there takes his energy from female chi. Male chi is  
something he has no way to handle. It's like slamming a lot of DC  
current into an AC appliance. Lots more than it's rated for even if  
it was AC current. For the moment, Happosai is-- to coin a phrase--  
out of it."  
  
"Beagles are GOOD with chocolate syrup and wasabi!" added  
Happosai, eager to join the conversation.  
  
"Ranchan-- you were wearing those last night?"  
  
"Well... it was a feminine night, and Mom makes me wear pretty  
underwear then..."  
  
"That not pretty. That something Shampoo not wear. Well, not  
bra."  
  
"Why not the bra? Too racy?" grinned Akane.  
  
"No, Shampoo just not wear bra anyway. Want know where Airen buy  
panties, though. Shampoo like style."  
  
Akane sniffed.  
  
"So, what do we do with him now that we have him?" asked Ukyo.  
  
"Antarctica is nice this time of year," mentioned Kuno.  
  
"Good one, Kuno," chuckled Ranma. "That's the first good joke I  
ever heard you make!"  
  
"Fire-haired angel, I was not joking. The resources of the Kuno  
estate are... considerable."  
  
Ranma grinned. "Better one, then."  
  
"Not sure about that."  
  
"Why, Shampoo?"  
  
"Is not fair to girl penguins?"  
  
And there was much laughter, except from Happosai, who was saying  
something about blue cheese and sardines as a cure for warts.  
  
####  
  
Akane watched nervously as Ranma fairly caressed her new toy. A  
mallet. A mallet with a titanium-graphite shaft, leather grips, and  
teak head with brass reinforcing bands. And, ironically, on each  
side of the head, an engraved stallion, rearing.  
  
"You know, if he only knew..." chuckled Ranma. "It's  
personalized."  
  
"Personalized?"  
  
"Yeah, a wild horse on the sides."  
  
"Oh. A Ran-Mallet."  
  
Ranma groaned. Even P-chan, in Akane's arms, gave a pained  
squeal.  
  
"Anyway, you seem pretty fond of it," murmured Akane.  
  
"Hey, it's my first. And I gotta admit, I can see what you like  
about them. Satisfying to trash him with this."  
  
P-chan bweed in agreement. Finally, an umbrella for both shapes.  
He'd LIKED poking the old pervert (now on his way to the far, far  
south) with it.  
  
Akane paused. "I wonder where P-chan got that umbrella, anyway?"  
  
Uh-oh, thought the pig.  
  
"You know, with the bandanna and the umbrella, he reminds me of  
Ryoga..."  
  
I'm pork roast, thought the pig.  
  
"Of course! Why didn't I see it before!"  
  
Make that spam, thought the pig.  
  
"Ryoga must have been training P-chan to protect me like he tries  
to! How sweet of him!"  
  
The pig fainted.  
  
Ranma sighed. (And she calls ME baka...)  
  
####  
  
End part six, section two.  
  
  
####  
  
OK-- this was a gearing up to a classic Ranma-style romp. I  
admit it. I also admit to deciding that if I was going to use the  
tired old mallet convention I was going to have some fun with it. I  
hope you had fun also. ^_^  
  
I don't know WHERE the umbrella joke came from, though. Heh.  



	8. Girl Days 7 part 1

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(You're expecting me to say that these characters aren't mine,  
right? Well, guess what, I'm really Rumiko Takahashi in disguise  
and they ARE mine, bwahhahahah! Oh, Mister Doctor, I'm ready for my  
medication now...)  
  
Part Seven: A Date That Will Live In Infamy  
  
####  
  
"Who's lame idea was this anyway?" asked a rather perturbed  
Ranma.  
  
Akane shrugged. Since the beach trip a few days back there had  
been a small shift in the dynamics of the lunacy that surrounded  
the redheaded martial artist. The most notable was the alteration  
of relations between the three 'legitimate' fiancees.  
  
To the surprise of all three, they found that they didn't   
dislike each other QUITE as much as they had. A suggestion by Ukyo  
that they see if they couldn't get along better was accepted by the  
other two. Akane suggested the somewhat unorthodox idea of a   
sleepover somewhere, and since the dojo was pretty crowded at the   
moment, they decided on Ucchan's, after closing.  
  
Then Shampoo suggested inviting Ranma. And the other two looked  
at each other, and nodded. Ranma was supposed to be training in   
being a girl, so...  
  
Which was why a certain trainee girl was walking along with   
Akane carrying a change of clothes, pajamas, and a sleeping bag. And  
feeling totally ludicrous, to boot.  
  
"I swear," continued Ranma, "If Mom hadn't thought this was a   
good idea I would never have agreed. This is nuts."  
  
"Hey, we didn't invite Kodachi, did we?"  
  
"And that's a good thing. The only one."  
  
"Come on, Ranma, it'll be fun. You'll have a great time."  
  
"Says you. What do girls do at these things, anyway?"  
  
"Oh, watch a video maybe, play a few games, gossip, relax...  
eat snacks..."  
  
Ranma brightened slightly at the mention of snacks.  
  
As they approached Ucchan's, they grew quiet. Akane was   
beginning to have second thoughts-- could the three rivals (and they  
certainly hadn't even pretended that that wasn't still the case)   
really be able to get along in this age-old typical girl activity?  
Would Ranma enjoy herself? Would something strange and bizarre  
happen to cause a calamity?  
  
Better not think too hard on the last one.  
  
"Nihao, Ranma, Akane," chirped a familiar Chinese voice from   
inside as they entered. Shampoo was busy cooking popcorn while Ukyo  
set up a TV and vcr combo. "Have romantic movie and kung-fu movie  
for Ranma. So Ranma not bored all time."  
  
"Yeah. If I can get this baka vcr to work, that is," grumbled  
Ukyo.  
  
"I can help with that," said Akane. She went to aid the chef's  
attempts while Ranma placed their gear to one side.  
  
Ranma picked up one of the tapes, and peered at it. "Gone With  
the Wind", she mused. "Subtitled. Epic saga of romance and peril  
during the American Civil War."  
  
Oh, boy. THIS was going to be a snoozer.  
  
####  
  
Four hours later-- Ukyo hadn't known the film was THAT long--  
three real girls were all teary-eyed while Ranma had been   
surprisingly entertained.   
  
"Why Scarlet girl not treat handsome bandit right? She lose him  
forever. **sniff**"  
  
"Damn right, sugar... she just kept pushing every wrong button  
and kept pushing him away and when she finally had him... and   
chasing that Ashley guy even though there was no chance to get   
him..."  
  
"It's... it's so sad when he just walked away... so cold like  
that."  
  
Ranma coughed. "Me? I think he might come back-- or she might  
find a way to get him back. Like she said, tomorrow is another  
day, right? She didn't seem the quitter type to me."  
  
Akane blinked. "You... you liked the movie?"  
  
"Kinda. That O'Hara was one tough chick, you know. That's  
what Butler was probably attracted to, not just her looks or nothin'.  
And she was the only one in her family that seemed to understand  
that the world had changed and you can't make it go back the way it   
was. Me, the one that made me sad was that Melanie. She reminded  
me of a sort of sad Kasumi, you know."  
  
"Is like nice nice girl. And Scarlet girl like half Amazon,  
half mercenary girl."  
  
"Hmm... weird way to put it, but that's pretty close to the   
mark. Eh, Ranchan?"  
  
"If I agree, do you promise never to tell Nabiki I did?"  
  
The three started to giggle at that.  
  
"Well, I guess it's kind of late to play the second tape...  
but it's too early to go to bed. So, what do we do now?" asked   
Akane.  
  
"Ever hear of Truth or Dare?" asked Ukyo. "It's a game they   
play in America I read about. You take turns asking questions,  
and the person asked either has to tell the truth or perform a dare."  
  
"Sound fun."  
  
Ranma had a bad feeling about this...  
  
####  
  
"Truth or dare. What was the most embarrassing experience  
of your life?"  
  
Shampoo thought. "Was hunting, got chased by boar. Lost   
bonbori, lost spear. Boar grab shirt, Shampoo escape, but boar eat  
shirt. Boar chase Shampoo, grab pants. Shampoo climb tree, boar eat  
pants. Stay in tree for hours until someone from village find   
Shampoo. Was Mousse. Stupid Mousse wear glasses for once. Got...  
good look at Shampoo. Brrr."  
  
Akane giggled, and Ranma smirked while Ukyo just shook her head.  
  
"OK, Ranchan's turn."  
  
"OK... Akane, who's the strangest guy you know? Excepting  
me, of course."  
  
"You're the strangest GIRL I know. Strangest guy... hmm...  
that would have to be Antarctica's latest resident."  
  
(I'd have thought you'd say Tsubasa or Gosunkugi myself...)  
"Good enough."  
  
"Shampoo's turn. What Ukyo's worst cooking mistake?"  
  
Ukyo grimaced. "I guess it was my attempt to make a new   
okonomiyaki-- I was trying for a curry type-- and I accidentally  
grabbed the wrong spice. Cocoa and curry don't mix very well."  
  
(I've tried to tell Akane the same thing,) mused Ranma.  
  
"OK. Ranma", Akane asked, eyes, gleaming, "Why do you call   
Ryoga P-chan?"  
  
Ranma froze. Honor demanded only one answer.  
  
"Dare."  
  
Akane blinked. Thought. And grinned. "Okay. I dare you to go  
on a romantic-type date..."  
  
The other two girls began to glower. Was she going to try to   
trap Ranma even when they had agreed not to?  
  
"With Ryoga!" finished Akane triumphantly.  
  
Ranma boggled as the other two girls began to snicker. She   
thought quickly-- and replied, "OK. But only if he asks me nicely."  
  
Akane sighed. "I guess that's fair."  
  
Ranma concealed a smirk. That, she felt certain of, was never  
going to happen...  
  
####  
  
Ryoga Hibiki sighed. His bruised heart thumped in his breast  
as he contemplated the irony of his accursed life.  
  
More than once he'd wanted to ask Akane out on a date, but   
usually as soon as he saw that angelic face, that perfect form, his  
throat would lock up and his brain would shut down. Somehow he never  
could get those particular words out right once he got a good look  
at--  
  
That's it! What if he couldn't see her? At least not clearly  
enough to begin to freeze up? Perhaps then he could succeed where  
he had heretofore failed. Now, how to do that?  
  
As he mused, he noticed a familiar figure. Mousse, the Chinese  
master of hidden weapons. Who carried many many things in his   
voluminous robes--  
  
Including at least a dozen spare pairs of glasses.  
  
"Mousse! Hey, Mousse-- I got a favor I wanna ask ya..."  
  
####  
  
Wednesday.  
  
Ryoga stood before the Tendo Dojo's gate, a bunch of flowers  
in one hand and his secret weapon in the other. It was a perfect  
plan, he knew it was. It was elemental in it's simplicity,  
but elegant in it's surety.   
  
He carefully entered the dojo, and saw Akane enter the house.  
Perfect.  
  
Knocking on the door, he was admitted by Kasumi, who told him   
Akane was in her room, reading. Perfect.  
  
He climbed the stairs, looked for the duck, and smiled.   
Perfect.  
  
He put on the secret weapon-- a pair of Mousse's glasses.  
Instantly his vision blurred. Now her angelic face wouldn't distract  
him. Perfect.  
  
He knocked, and the door opened. A vaguely female figure stood  
before him, head cocked to one side. Perfect.  
  
"I... I've always thought you were really pretty, you know, and  
well... I was wondering if you'd like to go out? I was thinking  
a movie, and then dinner, and maybe a walk after that? If you would,  
that is?" PERFECT!  
  
The girl before him seemed to freeze. An indistinct murmur  
emitted.  
  
"Please? I know it's funny for me to ask you on a date, but...  
please?"  
  
"Um... sure. Be happy to."  
  
Joy of joy! Acceptance! Akane had agr-- Wait. That wasn't  
Akane's voice.  
  
NOT perfect.  
  
Ryoga lifted the glasses, and stared. At a door with not a duck  
plaque, but a pony one. That read not "AKANE", but... No.  
  
Not perfect at all.  
  
He stared at a red-haired girl who looked both confused and   
resigned. It wasn't possible... it wasn't...  
  
Vastly, hugely, infinitely less than perfect.  
  
"Well, Ranma, guess you're stuck after all," Akane said, trying  
to decide weither to grin or to freak. Ranma had to complete her   
dare after all... but why did Ryoga ask her in the first place?   
Wearing a pair of Mousse's glasses yet? Weird.  
  
And Ryoga Hibiki fainted as he realized he'd just asked his most  
bitter rival out on a date.  
  
####  
  
When Ryoga came to, he thought the whole thing had been a   
horrible, horrible dream. Until he saw Ranma still holding the bunch  
of flowers.  
  
"noo...." he whispered.  
  
"Yes," replied an equally depressed Ranma.  
  
"Why... why did you accept? You must have known I meant to   
ask..."  
  
"Stupid game." And Ranma explained the events of the previous  
night.  
  
"Arrgh... it's worse for me. I asked you... I have to go   
through with it... honor demands..."  
  
"Honor demands what?"  
  
"That I go through with it too. After all, it's wrong for a guy  
to go back on a date with a girl even if the girl's not really a girl  
but only happens to be a girl at the time of a guy asking her out on  
a date because she's a girl."  
  
Ranma scratched her head, trying to decipher the last sentence.  
"Um... Okay. Anyhow, how's it worse for you? How do you figure  
that?"  
  
"Well, Ranma, you sure can't be much fun on a date."  
  
"What? Look, P-chan, I can be as fun as anyone on any date.  
YOU, on the other hand-- or trotter-- are going to be insanely  
dull."  
  
"Oh, yeah? Well, MISS Ranma, I'm going to prove you wrong.  
I'm going to win this time!"  
  
"Hunh?"  
  
"I'm going to show you the best time you have EVER had, and   
you're going to eat those words!"  
  
"Yeah, right! The only bright spot on this date will be me, and  
you're going to beg me for another!"  
  
"Oh, SURE I am! Friday, at seven?"  
  
"IF you can find your way here, sure!"  
  
"You can bet I will! And I'll sweep your arrogant butt off your  
feet!"  
  
"Hah! Remember, it's got to be a romantic date! Let's see you  
pull that off! Baka!"  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"What are we SAYING?!?"  
  
"Um... that... that we are going out, Ranma... Oh, MAN."  
  
"Dammit, no going back now..."  
  
Pause again.  
  
"Ryoga?"  
  
Still more pause.  
  
"Ryoga."  
  
Pause to insert more pausing.  
  
"RYOGA!"  
  
"Dammit, Ranma, I'm trying to think." Pause yet again. "And  
my head hurts."  
  
####  
  
Akane sat in her room in a state of confusion. Why had Ryoga  
asked Ranma on a date?  
  
Then again, in Nerima, there could be any number of reasons.  
Ryoga could have had a bad blow to the head and started to think that  
Ranma was really a girl. Some weird magic like that koi rod or weird  
Amazon potion or magical mirrors or any of a number of things could  
have affected his mind. Or--  
  
Of course. Knowing Ryoga, who didn't have a very good sense  
of direction, he probably got lost and thought he was asking someone  
else. Hmm... wonder who that could be? Well, after Ryoga realized  
his mistake, he'd call off the date for sure, but Ranma had still  
accepted, which put her one up on the trainee girl.   
  
Akane was chuckling to herself as she planned to walk in on the  
doubtless fuming pair when she froze at the door, hearing--  
  
"So... Friday at seven, then?"  
  
"Yeah. And Ryoga, be sure to dress nice, OK? I mean, your   
traveling clothes aren't really date material."  
  
"I know, I know. Lucky. Girls haven't any problem dressing  
for something like this."  
  
"A lot you know. I'm probably going to have to buy a whole new  
dress just for this thing. I don't have anything right for a date,  
you know, it hadn't really occurred to me that I'd actually BE on   
one."  
  
"Oh... well, this Friday. Ja ne?"  
  
"Ja."  
  
Akane slumped. She was going through with it. Kami, so was   
Ryoga! And Ranma was planning to buy a new dress for it, and...  
and...   
  
Something was too weird for life here...   
  
Not that that was anything new for Nerima, mind you, but the   
weirdness was usually a wandering prince, aggravated demon, martial  
artist of the week, or just plain paranormal insanity. THIS-- Ranma  
and Ryoga on a date-- not a trick, not a plot, just a ordinary  
date-- was WIERD.  
  
When Ryoga left, she would confront Ranma and-- Ranma would say  
that she was following up on the dare. Okay, confront Ryoga and--  
he'd never be able to explain, he never WAS able to.  
  
She had to talk to SOMEONE, though... but who? Nabiki? Not   
unless she wanted this sold to everyone in Nerima. Kasumi? No way--  
she'd nod, smile, and suggest a restaurant. Nodoka-- forget it?  
  
Daddy? Mr. Saotome? Get REAL.  
  
But then who... of course. Who else?  
  
####  
  
"AIYA! Lost boy ask Airen on actual date?!?"  
  
"Akane-chan, that just doesn't make any sense!"  
  
Akane nodded. "But he did-- and didn't back out. I can't see  
why he didn't back out. Or why Ranma didn't, she should have...  
it was just a game."  
  
Shampoo hmmphed. "Just game to us, but to Ranma is challenge.  
Ranma NEVER back out."  
  
Ukyo mused for a moment, and added, "Might be something like   
that with Ryoga also. He's stubborn as a boar, you know. Probably  
figures if Ranchan is willing to go for it, he can't back out   
himself..."  
  
Akane sighed. "Why is it men are so stubborn even when they are  
girls?"  
  
The others nodded.  
  
####  
  
"So it's a pinch mom, it's definitely a pinch. I accepted  
the challenge, but I never thought it would actually come to pass..."  
  
"It is a peculiar situation, dear. But it's not as though   
you're having any real feelings for the Hibiki boy, is it? More of a  
game, really."  
  
"Yeah, but what do I do? I've never been on a real date-- at   
least one that wasn't ruined by some freak occurrence-- and I never  
planned my first one with Ryoga of all people..."  
  
"You do what any young lady does, Ranma. You dress nicely,  
you have a good time, you be properly attentive to your escort,  
and you never kiss on the first date." Nodoka smiled, teasingly.  
  
"That last I didn't need to hear, Mom-- Oh, CRAP."  
  
"Language, Ranma-chan."  
  
"Mom-- the terms of the dare was a ROMANTIC-TYPE date!"  
  
Nodoka paused. Thought. And then said, "Well, you can kiss him  
on the cheek?"  
  
"MOM!"  
  
####  
  
Before Friday, there's Thursday. Even in a place as squirrelly  
as Nerima.  
  
Ranma was at the Nekohanten, undergoing her Amazon training.  
Strange, complex, unfamiliar moves and techniques that were vastly  
unlike anything she was used to.  
  
Being Ranma, she was taking to them like a fish takes to tartar  
sauce-- that is, not exactly willingly, but, nevertheless,  
very well. She didn't mind the Amazon garb that Cologne insisted  
she train in, but she hated the hairdo and wanted very much to get   
back to her preferred simple ponytail.  
  
"Enough, son-in-- ah Ranma." It was difficult at times to   
remember that Ranma's mother didn't accept Shampoo at the legitimate  
fiancee, and since she WAS Ranma's mother... that put a crimp in her  
plans. The opinion of a mother was sacrosanct.  
  
Which was the problem. Her usual methods-- aphrodisiacs,  
blackmail, etc.-- were no longer applicable. She had to somehow  
win the mother over to her side.   
  
Somehow, it had never occurred to Cologne that Nodoka would   
disapprove. No mother in over a thousand years had disapproved  
of an Amazon wife. In fact, they would often send their sons to try  
to win one.   
  
Well, if she couldn't have Ranma as an Amazon husband-- and   
don't think she'd given up on that-- she could at least have her as   
an Amazon, get her to promise to help the village if it was ever in   
danger. Or perhaps Ranma would be the first of a new breed of   
Amazons, for the twenty-first century. Japanese Amazons, who would  
not have to hide in the depths of China to keep their traditions...  
  
"I am curious, Ranma. Your choice of weapon is... not   
traditional."  
  
"I like it. It's effective, it's damaging, and it's   
intimidating as all hell," grinned Ranma, hefting what Akane called  
the Ran-mallet.   
  
Cologne nodded. "There is that. But I think you should keep  
up the bonbori practice also. Hmm... now, tomorrow evening, we'll  
start on basic herbal techniques--"  
  
"I can't, sorry. I have a date."  
  
"A date? With Shampoo?" Hope springs eternal.  
  
"No..."  
  
"Oh, then with Akane, I suppose..." Hope then falls down.  
  
"No, Ryoga."  
  
Hope gets hit by a truck that's being driven by Astonishment.  
"WHAT?!?"  
  
After a short explanation, Cologne began to snicker. Giggle.  
And fell off her staff laughing.  
  
"My boy, only you could get in a scrape like that!"  
  
"Hey, if he's on a date with me, he can't try to kill me, can   
he? Besides, it's only this one time, you know. I don't like guys  
like that!"  
  
"I should hope not. Still prefer the feminine gender?"  
  
"Damn straight-- no matter what shape I'm in."  
  
"You know, Ranma, you may be officially unique in that respect."  
  
"Huh?" Ranma took on a puzzled look.  
  
"Why, you're probably the first heterosexual lesbian on Earth!"  
  
####  
  
"Now, there's something you don't see every day, Daisuke."  
  
"What, Hiroshi?"  
  
"Ranma in girl form wearing a Amazon fighting uniform and   
chasing Cologne with a mallet."  
  
"Oh. Well, I'm glad I don't see that every day, myself."  
  
####  
  
Eventually Ranma got tired of chasing the pogo-sticking  
and hysterically laughing Amazon matriarch, and went home.   
  
To some confusion. "Ranma, why are you dressed like that?"  
  
"Cologne requires me to dress the part when I'm taking that   
Amazon training, Mom. I don't mind the clothes, but I hate the   
hair... so mind if I change first?"  
  
"Go right ahead, Ranma-chan. But I'll go with you. I have a   
present for you upstairs."  
  
In Ranma's room, Nodoka started in surprise as Ranma, prior to   
undressing, withdrew the Ran-mallet, two bonbori, and a somewhat  
squashed cheese sandwich from her sleeves.  
  
"Ranma... how did you..."  
  
"Ancient Chinese Amazon Hidden Weapons Technique. Shampoo  
uses it all the time, Mousse is a master-- even Cologne doesn't  
know how he carries all he can-- and I'm still learning, I can only  
keep it up for a couple of hours before it starts to itch. But I'm  
getting better."  
  
"I... see," Nodoka replied weakly. Every time she thought  
her daughter/son couldn't surprise her any more, Ranma would pull   
something new out of her sleeve. In this case, a mallet, two   
bonbori, and a cheese sandwich.  
  
"It's pretty useful. I think I can carry a couple of extra sets  
of clothes and my fighting gear that way just in case. Did you know  
Mousse carries a whole cooler in his right sock? That's what Cologne  
says, anyhow."  
  
"Fascinating..."  
  
"Anyhow, what did you want to show me?"  
  
Nodoka shook her head and tried to get back to reality--  
or what passed for it in the Tendo household, anyhow. "Oh, it's   
something for your date tomorrow. Just try this on..."  
  
####  
  
Akane walked up the stairs, musing. Voices from Ranma's room  
caught her attention, and she knocked at the door.  
  
"Come in," said Ranma.  
  
And so she did. And gasped.  
  
"Got to admit, Mom," Ranma continued the previous thread of   
conversation, "This does look good on me. Poor Ryoga ain't gonna  
know what hit him. Heh."  
  
It did look good. In fact, it looked fantastic. It was a   
dress-- blue, off-the-shoulder styling, graceful and elegant, with  
a rose sash that was perfectly complementary and just enough cleavage  
to make it sexy as the devil without enough to make it trashy or   
vulgar. It was, in other words, perfect for a romantic-type  
date.  
  
Akane was trying very hard not to choke.  
  
"Well, young Hibiki seems a nice enough boy when he's not   
actively trying to kill you, dear. And since this is your first date  
as a girl, I thought you should have a nice dress for it."  
  
"Thanks, Mom... I think. And I can move in it too-- which is a   
plus."  
  
"R-Ranma, that's... that's a very nice dress?" wheezed Akane.  
  
"Arigato, Akane-chan!" Ranma said in her best kawaii-'lil-girl  
tones, and twirled. "If I'm going on my first and LAST date as a   
girl, I'm going to make it a good one."  
  
"First one, Ranma?" asked Akane.  
  
"First one that wasn't part of a plan to get an advantage  
over some psycho, anyhow."  
  
"That I'll grant."  
  
"Why, Ranma-- what are you talking about?" asked Nodoka.  
  
"Aw, just a very difficult time when I thought I had a shot at a  
cure. Trust me, I'll never go out with HIM again, and it doesn't  
count anyhow. I'm not sure you could call Kuno a HUMAN at times,  
much less a boy."  
  
Nodoka thought back to what she had seen of Tatewaki Kuno.   
"You're right, it doesn't count. Now, about jewelry..."  
  
####  
  
To be honest, Ryoga had half-hoped he'd get lost again. The   
idea of going out with Ranma was beginning to prey on his   
long-unravelled nerves.   
  
More than once Ranma had tricked him with her female self.   
She'd even once convinced him she was his fiancee, for crying out   
loud! And he was going on a date with her KNOWING it was really  
her? Him? Oh, this Girl Days stuff was beginning to drive him   
crazy!  
  
(Author's Note-- More than one person would consider this a   
short journey anyhow.)  
  
So, of COURSE, he wound up at the Tendo Dojo right on time.  
  
While Ryoga was ushered into the main room and offered a cup of  
tea by the ever-helpful Kasumi, Ranma was having a somewhat heated  
discussion with her mother.  
  
"Aw, MOM. He's here, ain't he? I'm ready, ain't I? So why do  
I got to wait five minutes before I go down?"  
  
"Anticipation, dear. You leave the young man waiting to build  
up anticipation. When he sees you after a short wait, he'll be   
struck breathless--"  
  
"Mom, I don't want him anticipating ANYTHING, and he knows I'm  
really a guy, so he won't BE anticipating anything, and the only way  
I want him struck is usually with my foot in his face, and... and   
this isn't really a date the way you seem to think it is."  
  
Nodoka just smiled and nodded.  
  
It may occur to the astute reader that Nodoka Saotome had, as   
did others previously mentioned in these tales, a somewhat unusual  
logic system. In her case, the idea that her son was also her   
daughter, that the boy was also a girl, led to what was-- for her--  
certain obvious conclusions.  
  
One of these being that there was nothing wrong with her   
daughter going out on a date with a nice (if occasionally homicidal)  
boy. Perhaps the two might hit it off, and something greater would  
grow from it.  
  
For some reason, Nodoka didn't seem to consider the   
complications inherent in her son/daughter becoming both a husband  
and a wife. In other words, she was as loopy in her own special  
way as any other major player in Nerima. She just didn't show it as  
obviously except by the minor quirk of carrying a blanket-wrapped  
katana around.  
  
Well, she'd married Genma-- what can you expect?  
  
Downstairs, Ryoga was sweating. Nabiki was peering at him with  
ill-concealed amusement (By ill concealed we mean she was audibly  
snickering and shaking), Kasumi was refilling his teacup with total  
unconcern, and Akane... wasn't there. Soun and Genma, aggrieved  
at the entire thing had gone out to do the only honorable thing they  
could do. Get very very drunk.  
  
(In charity to two great men, we won't go into their reaction  
to the news of the date, save to say that Genma had sulked as a panda  
for twelve hours and Soun had had to undergo rapid therapy for   
dehydration due to his tears.)  
  
After a short wait, there were footsteps heard decending,  
and Ryoga looked up-- and nearly forgot to breathe.  
  
Ranma was, basically, gorgeous. Her hair carefully styled,  
free-flowing to her mid-back, a pair of dragon-shaped earrings  
framing her face, and a job of makeup that should have been in a   
museum. Nodoka may have been peculiar in her own way, but she knew  
very well how to make a girl look GOOD.  
  
For a moment Ryoga almost forgot that this was really Ranma.  
  
Almost.  
  
Ranma raised an eyebrow herself. Ryoga was clean, neat, and   
dressed in a suit and tie. He looked, in fact, pretty darn handsome.  
(Although Ranma had no attraction towards males, she had developed  
the ability to know what 'real' girls considered good-looking--  
and right now, Ryoga was just that.) She was actually impressed.  
  
"Gotta admit, Ryoga, not too shabby. Guess this might not be   
such a bad night after all."  
  
"Ah... yeah. You look pretty decent yourself, Ranma. Well,  
I guess we'd better be going, or something?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
And Ryoga did the single most difficult thing he had ever done  
since the bakusai tenkatsu training...  
  
He took Ranma's arm and led her to the street.  
  
After that, for obvious reasons, Ranma did the leading.  
  
####  
  
Three rivals.  
  
Three girls.  
  
Three young suitors for the hand (and other parts) of one Ranma  
Saotome.  
  
Three people who KNEW that this so-called date was totally  
innocent, meant nothing, and should just be shrugged off as another  
case of weird male macho stubbornness.  
  
But... just in case...  
  
Three people who were, quite independently, planning to monitor  
the date, for Ranma's safety, of course, they weren't going to   
interfere, of course not, farthest thing from their minds, and   
besides, if I don't keep an eye on them who will because I can't   
trust the OTHER two to come to the rescue if Ryoga or Ranma goes   
whacko...  
  
This writer has said it before, and he shall say it again--  
  
Chaos needs no recipe. But in Nerima, there's always an   
ingredients list.  
  
####  
  
To be continued.  
  



	9. Girl Fays 7 part 2

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(Yeah, yeah, I know, the disclaimer bit goes here. Happy now?)  
  
Part Seven, section two: A Date That Will Live In Infamy (And,  
quite possibly, urban legend)  
  
####  
  
It was a beautiful evening. The sun had not yet set, but it was  
just about to, and had been working up to this particular sunset  
for months. It would be a sunset that romantic couples all over   
Japan would remember for many many years.  
  
The moon was also preparing to be unusually romantic this   
evening, the stars were getting ready to twinkle as they had never  
done before, the breeze in the trees was filled with incipient  
romance, and even the litter was blowing flirtatiously.  
  
Unfortunately, all this was wasted on the most striking couple  
in Nerima at the moment, who were making their way to dinner with a   
tone not of anticipation, but of resignation.  
  
"So, where are you taking me? So I can lead you there, that   
is," asked Ranma.  
  
"Hayashi's. It's a sushi place I know, and it's right over that  
way."  
  
"That's a police station."  
  
"I mean that way..."  
  
"That's a lingerie shop. I know, I shop there."  
  
Ryoga shuddered. "Um... that way?"  
  
"That's a public bathhouse."  
  
"Arrgh, where IS that place?"  
  
Ranma smirked, and pointed to the doorway behind Ryoga. "I   
think we are close..."  
  
Ryoga fumed, but kept his grasp on Ranma's arm (since it both  
had the right 'look' and kept him from winding up in Osaka) and   
entered with his 'date'--  
  
And blinked at the sudden fall of confetti, sounds of bells and  
horns, and cheers from the staff.  
  
"A..ano..."  
  
"Welcome, our Ten Thousandth customers! Tonight, everything  
is on the house for you and your lovely companion! Enjoy our finest  
items, please!" exulted the manager.  
  
Ryoga sweatdropped.  
  
Ranma... grinned.  
  
The manager escorted them to a private booth. "Please feel free  
to order anything and everything you like! There's no charge, Mister  
Ten Thousand! We'll have tea here in a moment, and if you'd like   
anything else to drink..."  
  
"Um... tea's fine, right, Ranma?"  
  
Ranma nodded.  
  
"Well, then, here's your menus, and enjoy!"  
  
The manager pranced off, grinning. GREAT PR, and such a lovely  
couple! Besides, it wouldn't be that costly a stunt, anyway. After  
all, how much could a little girl like that eat?  
  
It has been noticed that although there are certain obvious  
differences between the character of Ranma Saotome and the Slayer's  
star Lina Inverse, there are also certain similarities.  
  
Both are (when Ranma is in female form) redheads, both are   
rather cute in their own ways, both are capable of destroying  
entire city blocks if they get pushed too far, and both are very very  
good at eating.  
  
And neither could resist free food.  
  
"Man," whispered Ryoga. "This is a stroke of luck like I   
wouldn't believe! I mean, I had enough money for this place, but not  
for anything really fancy... I'm scared."  
  
Ranma looked up from her menu and raised an eyebrow. "Scared?  
What's scary about free sushi?"  
  
"Because it's good luck. Something good is happening to me."  
  
"I don't get it," puzzled Ranma.  
  
"Good things don't happen to me! Getting turned into a pig,   
being lost in Kyoto, getting wound up in a date with you-- these   
things happen to me! Not good things! I'm not used to it!"  
  
Ranma chuckled. "If it makes you feel better, maybe it's my   
good luck, and not yours."  
  
Ryoga actually relaxed. "Arigato, Ranma, that does make me feel  
better."  
  
Ranma shook her head, and returned to her menu.  
  
####  
  
She was a skilled hunter.  
  
She was the heir to the Amazon Traditions.  
  
She was arguably the greatest warrior of her generation  
of the Jokuzetsu.  
  
She also was, at the moment (due to an unfortunate incident  
with a barber pole, a drunken sailor, a fire hydrant and a college  
fraternity prank), a cat.  
  
Shampoo didn't mind being a cat the way that Ryoga minded being  
a pig. In fact, at times, she rather enjoyed it. It hadn't been her  
intent to be nekofied tonight, but it actually improved her plans  
to make certain that Ranma hadn't gone off the deep end and that this  
was just the dare.  
  
She entered the restaurant she had tracked the reluctant  
couple to with her patented "I'm a cat, I can go wherever I want"  
walk. More often than not, it worked. This time was no exception.  
  
"Ah, what a kawaii little kitty!" enthused a girl whose sole job  
was to make tea. She was, in fact, probably the best tea-maker  
in Nerima. Her name was Eiko Hasagawa, and she was one of the few   
practitioners of Martial Arts Tea-making (which is not the same as   
Martial Arts Tea Ceremony). As a martial art, it wasn't quite in the  
league of the bigger players in Nerima, but it was fine for the   
typical mugger, molester, and/or wandering karate wannabe. As   
food-based martial arts went, it was quite respectable.  
  
Eiko was also a four star ailurophile. She loved cats. She had  
cats on her pillows, cats on her underwear, cats on her walls, on her  
sheets, on her plates, even one tattooed on the left side of her   
bottom. She had everything related to cats possible except a real  
cat. Because she was incredibly allergic to cat-dander.  
  
Being a typical Neriman martial artist (that is to say, at least  
slightly delusional), she refused to admit that cats made her eyes  
water, her nose congest, and her lungs wheeze. And they certainly  
didn't have anything to do with her sudden fits of sneezing. No, she  
would tell herself, she didn't keep a cat because her apartment  
had a no-pets clause.  
  
But here was a poor lost kitty, all alone, probably starving,  
doubtless lured by the scent of the scraps that were the natural  
by-product of sushi manufacture. Well, the poor thing would be fed,  
or her name wasn't Eiko.  
  
Shampoo blinked in surprise as she was whisked up into the arms  
of a girl who smelled like tea. A girl who was fairly cute,   
surprisingly strong, and was wearing glasses that were almost as   
thick as Mousses'. "Ooooh, kawaii kitty. Eiko will get you   
something to... to... ahhh... ahhh...."  
  
You don't get to be one of the premiere warriors of the   
Jokuzetsu without developing a pretty effective danger sense.   
Shampoo's was making her whiskers vibrate.  
  
"AHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
The sneeze wasn't as powerful as a Mouko Takabisha, of course,  
but it certainly wanted to be. It was powerful enough to cause   
Eiko's glasses to slip, and for her to drop Shampoo.  
  
Right into a sink full of very warm dishwater.  
  
As Eiko replaced her glasses, Shampoo replaced her human form.  
Unfortunately, she wasn't as yet able to replace her human garments.  
  
Which is why Eiko screamed.  
  
####  
  
Ranma happily chewed on her tako-sushi-- she loved octopus--  
and sipped her tea. Across from her, Ryoga indulged himself in tuna  
rolls and smiled.  
  
"I got to admit it, I'm having a good time after all. At least  
a good meal."  
  
Ranma didn't reply, because Nodoka was always saying that it was  
improper for a young lady to talk with her mouth full, and at the   
moment, she had no intention of letting it get empty. So many kinds  
of sushi and she could try every one of them for free. So she just  
nodded and chewed with ladylike abandon.  
  
Ryoga grinned. Even if she was really a guy, she looked damn  
cute when she smiled. It was ironic, he thought. Try to take out a   
girl, and disaster happens. Take out a fake girl, and suddenly  
everything starts going well. He supposed that it was because for   
once there was no danger of romance rearing it's head.   
  
"So, how's it going, being a girl for so long?" he asked.  
  
Ranma paused in mid-chew. She swallowed, remembering that she  
was probably supposed to talk to her date or something like that.  
"Well, it was pretty bad at first. But it's been three weeks, and   
I'm getting kinda comfortable with it. I guess being a girl isn't  
so bad when you're planning to be, you know?"  
  
"Hunh. So you're feeling like a girl for real, then?"  
  
"A little... I guess I'm maybe a little more emotional   
sometimes, and certain foods taste different when I'm a girl--   
especially ice-cream, you wouldn't BELIEVE the difference--  
and my body has a different sense of touch. But before you ask, I'm  
not getting interested in guys or picking up any really feminine  
tastes. Mom says I'm a tomboy at heart."  
  
"Don't look like one now, Ranma." Ryoga smirked-- just a little  
bit.  
  
"Hai, I do look good. That's another thing, it used to bug the  
heck out of me that I was a head turner... but now I kinda like being  
the foxy type. If I gotta be a girl, I like being a hot one." She  
grinned, and began munching again. Ryoga followed suit.  
  
After a moment, Ryoga added, "You know, when I'm a... you know,  
there are differences also. My sense of smell is better, so's my   
sense of hearing... and I somehow just know how to use a pig's body.  
Funny, isn't it?"  
  
"Well, Mousse has no problem flying even though he shouldn't  
really be able to, and the same for Taro and Shampoo... guess the   
curse lends basic abilities."  
  
"Is that how you turned into a natural flirt?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Ryoga grinned. "Well, it is funny how you can, let's say, 'turn  
on the girl' at will when you need to."  
  
Ranma scowled. "That's just an act. It isn't really me, you   
know. This is really me. Ranma."  
  
Ryoga paused. This _was_ Ranma... a somewhat feminine acting  
at times Ranma but still the old friend-foe he'd known for so long.  
It was slightly disconcerting how easily she was adapting to the   
feminine state.   
  
"Okay... I guess I'd never know what it was like unless I got  
hit by the Nyannichuan. Which I'd personally pick in a second if I   
couldn't get the right stuff. It's got to be better than being a   
lunch item-- oh, good, here comes the next tray."  
  
Ikuko was a waitress who didn't like her boss much. He paid   
well enough, and he was polite, but he was also very very much into  
the Japanese work ethic-- meaning he worked everyone hard, and   
pinched pennies wherever it wouldn't affect the quality of service.  
  
And right now her boss was in a state of shock. His PR stunt  
was costing him somewhat more than he'd expected.  
  
I mean, the guy had an appetite-- that was to be expected.  
But the girl-- she was a bottomless pit! Seven trays so far and no   
sign of slowing down... it was amazing!  
  
And, from Ikuko's point of view, amusing also. Every time she  
came in with the next order from booth D, the manager's eye would  
twitch. He could well afford it-- the restaurant was anything  
but hurting-- but still, it was not quite as cheap advertising  
as he'd thought it would be.  
  
As she laid the trays of vinegared rice and seafood down, and   
replaced the wasabi and shogi, she asked if everything was all right.  
  
"Oh, Hai," Ranma replied, activating her 'Look at Me, I'm the   
cutest thing since they invented bunnies and duckies' expression.  
"It's all so very good, and there's so many kinds! I want to try   
them all!"  
  
(Hell of an act, that,) thought Ryoga, grinning internally.  
  
Ikuko sweated a little bit. The restaurant served over 150   
varieties of sushi and other tidbits. "A-All?"  
  
"She can do it," added Ryoga. "She's an... athlete, and burns  
calories really fast. So she never needs to worry about her figure."  
  
Ranma nodnodnodded. "Hai! And Ryo-chan is the same, too! But  
he won't try everything. He won't try the pork things. He doesn't  
eat pork."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Um... I'm, well... I have a ..."  
  
"He's a Rabbi."  
  
Ikuko blinked.  
  
"Um, hai, that's it. First Synagogue of Judaic Shinto. That's  
why I'm sticking with the tuna rolls..."  
  
"Oh... well, here they are."  
  
As Ryoga bit into another roll (which, by the way, does happen  
to be technically kosher), there was a scream from the kitchen.  
Instantly he and Ranma tensed, preparing, if need be, to leap into  
action.  
  
Instead, they found themselves staring at an unscheduled  
floor show.  
  
All eyes turned to the somewhat spectacular sight of an au   
naturel Shampoo, desperately trying to cover herself (even she could  
be embarrassed in THIS situation) while dodging a panicky tea-maker  
who was wielding a six-foot long ladle in one hand, while throwing  
armor-piercing teabags with the other. While some patrons gawked,  
and others panicked, Ranma and Ryoga... commented.  
  
"Teabags? How'd she throw a teabag through the wall?"  
  
"Must be like your bandannas, I guess."  
  
"Hmm... and that ladle style is a little like Ukyo's. Related  
school?"  
  
"Maybe. Humm... 'Hot Teakettle Bomber Attack", did she say?   
Looks uncomfortable."  
  
"Shampoo seems to think so. Wonder why she's streaking in a   
sushi restaurant anyway?"  
  
"No idea. Hey, why aren't you getting your usual nosebleed?"  
  
"Because I can't believe I'm actually seeing this. It must be   
something funny in the fish."  
  
"Then how come I'm seeing it too?"  
  
Ryoga paused, evaluated the facts, and passed out.  
  
(Damn-- I shouldn't have pointed that out,) Ranma realized.  
  
Shampoo managed to get to the door just as a passing car hit a   
puddle and returned her to her feline state. A moment later, a   
furious Eiko stepped out, and snarled. "Damn perverted girls.   
That's the fourth one this week!"  
  
She stormed back into her kitchen wondering why the heck all the  
exhibitionists came into HER place of employment.  
  
She would never know that in addition to being nearly as blind  
as Mousse and allergic to cats, she was also cursed as the result  
of Happosai's attempt to cast an "Attract Beautiful Naked Girls To   
Me" spell on himself. It had misfired, and Eiko was the recipient  
of it's dubious benefits. That had been about six months ago, and   
she was pretty fed up with it by now.  
  
As she entered the kitchen, the manager sighed. It was annoying  
to have these naked girls keep popping out of nowhere, true-- but it  
certainly bought in the college and high-school crowd. And Eiko   
could handle them.  
  
A moment later, Ryoga woke to find Ranma dabbing his head with  
a damp cloth and wiping the thin trickle of blood from his lip with  
a napkin. "You okay?"  
  
"Um.... yeah, thanks Ranma... did... did that really happen?"  
  
"Yeah. 'Fraid it did."  
  
"Man... I wonder what was going on?"  
  
"Who knows? This is a strange town, you know. For once, it   
isn't anything to do with us. Hey, Ryoga, you gonna eat that   
takuwan?"  
  
"Naw... you can have it."  
  
####  
  
As they made their way to the movie theater, a happily stuffed  
Ranma kept a equally happily stuffed Ryoga from getting lost.   
Neither noticed the figure in the shadows that followed them.  
  
Ukyo was damn pleased with her choice of disguise. A careful  
easy-to-wash-out dye job had changed her hair from it's usual dark  
color to a platinum blonde. Or more accurately, blond, since her own  
special brand of crossdressing was in full force, and she looked  
like a run of the mill bishonen male in a gray trenchcoat walking  
down the street. A fake cigarette and carefully applied makeup to   
simulate a case of five o'clock shadow completed the disguise,  
causing her to look a lot like a pretty-boy version of Sam Spade.  
  
Of course, she trusted Ranchan implicitly. Except when he was  
around other women when she wasn't there, of course. But certainly  
she didn't have to worry about her being around other MEN.  
  
Better safe than sorry, though. Ryoga could be a jackass at   
times, and he'd been fooled by Ranma so often he might just fool   
himself. And somehow Ranma was acting too casual about this whole  
date thing, and...  
  
All right, maybe she was just a WEE bit worried. Besides,  
she hadn't been out to the movies in a while.  
  
Ryoga and Ranma looked at the list of films with minor interest.  
"What about that one?"  
  
"Seen it."  
  
"Eww... not that one, I may be a girl right now, but not THAT  
much of a girl."  
  
"You said it. Snoozer for sure. What about this one?"  
  
"Hunh... Gone with the Wind? Saw it a couple of days on video.  
At the sleepover, in fact. Pretty good, but it lasts for four   
hours..."  
  
"Okay... Hey, a horror flick... Hellraiser 2. Heard some pretty  
good things about this one."  
  
"Sounds like a choice. Let's go."  
  
As Ukyo-kun got close enough to hear them, she heard them choose  
the horror film. And her heart sank. Because EVERY girl-- even   
girls who were legally boys-- KNEW the reason a boy took a girl to a   
horror film was to hope she'd get scared and hold onto him during  
the scary bits so he could tell her it was all right and hold her   
close and...  
  
But this was Ranma and Ryoga, and something like that couldn't  
happen, could it?  
  
Well... best to make sure.  
  
Entering, Ryoga bought the required things for movie watching--  
large sodas, popcorn, candy, and the like. He was pleased that he   
had a lot more money than he'd thought he would. And knowing Ranma,  
even after the remarkable amount of sushi, yakitori, rumaki, and   
other delicacies she'd packed away, there would still be a jumbo   
popcorn to vacuum up. And the soda. And the candy. Better get   
extra Pocky too, he thought.  
  
They carefully took seats near the middle of the theater...  
all the way in front didn't let you see the film well, and in back  
was for 'real' couples who would be using the theater for something  
they just plain would never do. As they arranged themselves  
in their seats, Ranma noticed that the floor was-- as all movie   
theaters tend to be-- a bit sticky in some parts and slippery in   
others. She hated that.  
  
A blond 'male' took a seat about three rows back.  
  
A white cat with pinkish-purple highlights in it's fur entered,  
unseen, and began to seek it's prey. And not a tweety bird, either.  
  
The movie began.  
  
About a half hour into the film, many girls HAD clutched their  
significant others in squeals of fright at the horrific film.  
  
Ukyo was desperately wishing she was here as a girl with Ranma--  
or nearly any other male-- to hold onto. This was SCARY.  
  
Shampoo was watching from under a seat, and every single hair  
of her fur was raised. It took all her self control to keep from   
rushing up to Ranma and hiding her head in the trainee girls lap.   
This was worse than Hibachan's ghost stories.  
  
Ranma and Ryoga munched popcorn and watched with fascination.  
DAMN, these American filmmakers could create scary stuff. Fun too.  
Pity girls didn't appreciate it.  
  
A teenage boy behind the couple was watching both the movie AND  
the couple with fascination. He'd never seen a girl so calm at a   
flick like this before. They were very quietly whispering...  
whispering... and his eyes widened as he heard WHAT they were   
whispering.  
  
He'd hoped to get a giggle out of lover's chat. That's not what  
he heard. What he heard was...  
  
Not words of affection, not terms of endearment, but...  
  
"That thing with all the chains remind you of anyone we know?"  
  
"Sure does."  
  
Someone they know? That... that horror with the chains and   
hooks and... someone they KNOW?  
  
The image in the boy's head was not the one in the Odd Couple's  
head. They were thinking of a slightly humorous parallel in attacks  
by a certain Chinese Hidden Weapons Expert and a certain pin-headed  
Cenobite.  
  
The image in the boy's head would have given Clive Barker the   
chills-- because he came to the conclusion that this meant there WERE  
such things as on the screen... and these people knew about it...  
  
"Ewwww. That was gross."  
  
"Yeah. 'Course, we've seen things that could do worse."  
  
The boy began to freak out very very quietly. What kind of   
people were these? What sort of hellish arts did they practice  
to take this terrifying piece of cinema and treat it as though it   
were a documentary? A DULL one?  
  
"It's the thing with the box I don't get."  
  
"Ryoga, I saw tons of boxes like that back in China.'  
  
Ranma was talking about puzzle boxes of a completely innocent  
nature, of course. But the boy didn't know that-- and wasn't in the  
right emotional state to make that connection anyhow.  
  
"It's creepy, yeah, but it's not really true horror to me. I   
know true horror..."  
  
"Yeah, I know. I know. You've seen Hell."  
  
"Well, I HAVE."  
  
Mister Eavesdropper took that literally. And sank back into his  
seat, no longer impressed by the movie, which had taken a distant  
second to the monsters in front of him.  
  
Seen Hell. The guy with the bandanna had actually seen Hell.  
The girl took it in stride. Chinese demon puzzle boxes-- tons of   
them. Chains. Things worse. What could they be?   
  
Were they demons of some terrible sort? Spies from the true   
hells, checking out immortal souls to steal? Did they come to this  
movie-- this now frighteningly accurate movie-- to get tips on how to  
torture souls?   
  
And if so, who could possibly help? Who did he know who could  
be of any help against such terrible creatures? Who could-- of   
course! The only person he knew of in all Nerima who would know   
about such things!  
  
His cousin, Hikaru Gosunkugi! He'd listen to cousin Ichiro!  
  
Now, all he had to do was to sneak out without attracting  
the attention of the two fiends...  
  
And that's how he stepped on Shampoo's tail.  
  
Shampoo yowled.  
  
Ranma's eyes went WIDE as she heard a c-c-c-feline sound.  
  
Shampoo buried her claws in Ichiro's calf.  
  
Ichiro yowled, screamed, and panicked.  
  
A lot of nerves were on edge at the film already. The sudden  
screaming set off a lot more screams, most of them female, but not a   
few male ones as well.  
  
Ukyo saw a figure rise up screaming behind Ranma. She knew of   
two reasons why people screamed-- from fear or from rage. The movie  
was scary, but not THAT scary, so she assumed rage-- and since rage  
was usually directed at Ranchan...  
  
Ranma grabbed Ryoga's hand and started to leave the theater.  
She was NOT going to stay around any c-c-you know what's.  
  
Ryoga was staring at the apparition behind him that reminded  
him oddly of someone he thought he might have met once but couldn't  
put a finger on it.  
  
Ukyo launched herself at the attacker before realizing that she  
hadn't her main spatula with her.  
  
The commotion began to spread and near everyone in the theater  
was in a panic. Except Ukyo who was in a righteous (but misdirected)  
fury and Shampoo who was in a righteous (And precisely directed)  
fury.  
  
Ichiro oofed as a mysterious figure in a trenchcoat attacked  
him. Then he screamed even louder.  
  
Ranma and Ryoga were out in the lobby by now.  
  
"There was... was... a c-c-c..."  
  
"I heard. But I don't get what happened after that... well,  
the movie's a bust. Guess we'll go for the walk now?"  
  
"Y-yeah. Gotta forget that... that..."  
  
Ryoga never really understood Ranma's ailurophobia, but he DID  
know it could lead to disaster. "I'm sorry we didn't get to finish  
the movie. I was enjoying it."  
  
"Well, maybe we can see it sometime on something that's not a   
date at all but just two guys watching a movie."  
  
"Yeah, rent the tape or something."  
  
"L-let's go... I think I can hear the c-c-cat coming this   
way..."  
  
Inside the theater, things had done what things tended to do in  
Nerima. Which is to say, deteriorate into unbridled chaos for no   
easily apparent reason. The focus of said chaos seemed to be a   
spindly sort of fellow being attacked by a detective and a cat.  
  
####  
  
Akane sat musing in the park. She'd originally planned to   
follow Ranma and Ryoga on their "date", but had had second thoughts  
about it.  
  
Ranma had often complained that she didn't trust her. Well,  
she didn't-- but some events recently had made her wonder if that   
mistrust was justified.  
  
Ranma wasn't a peeper, she realized. In fact, unlike most boys,  
she-- no, in this matter he-- reacted to the female form unclad (or  
barely clad) not with lechery, but with embarrassment. Because  
Ranma to some extent understood.  
  
Ranma was honorable, also. Overly so, she thought. Why else  
actually go through with such a stupid dare as this?  
  
Ranma was stubborn. But then again, she admitted reluctantly,  
so was Akane Tendo sometimes.  
  
Sometimes she almost...   
  
She looked up to see two figures approaching on a pathway.  
And she recognized them.  
  
(Oh, NO! Ranma will think I was following her-- I have to   
hide!)  
  
Seeking a convenient bush, Akane did exactly that.  
  
Ranma and Ryoga paused in thier not-exactly-romantic  
stroll, and took seats on a park bench that happened to be just in   
front of a certain bush.  
  
"Well, it's been mostly fun except when it was wierd," Ranma  
said.  
  
"Yeah. Who'd think it?"  
  
"Hai. You ain't so bad when you aren't trying to kill me."   
Ranma giggled a bit at that.  
  
"Well... all right, maybe you aren't such a jerk when you   
aren't working at it."  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"It's nice to be able to talk to you and have you listen for   
once," added Ranma.  
  
"Huh?" Ryoga blinked. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, usually you're attacking me because you got some idea   
that I'm doing something which I'm not doing. Seems like that's  
the story of my life-- no-one ever listens to me or my side of   
things."  
  
In the bushes, Akane gulped.  
  
"Well... Okay, maybe I do act a little impulsively once in a   
while. Tell you what-- I'll try from now on to hear you out?"  
  
"That would be great, Ryoga."  
  
"And THEN I'll kick your ass all over Nerima."  
  
"You can TRY." Ranma giggled again, and this time Ryoga joined  
her.  
  
"I wish people listened more often, though," Ranma added a bit  
somberly. "Akane especially. I get into so many scrapes with her   
because she just won't listen-- and even when she does it's   
automatically got to be my fault no matter what because I'm Ranma.  
It's been getting a little better recently, but..."  
  
In the bushes, Akane shed a silent tear. Did Ranma really think  
that way about her? And... was Ranma right?  
  
But... how could all the things that happened to Ranma not be   
her fault? Innocent coincidence? THAT often? She'd have to see it  
to believe it--  
  
"OW!"  
  
"Huh? What's wrong?"  
  
"Got something in my eye," complained Ranma. "Cinder or   
something, I dunno..."  
  
"Here-- let me take a look. Hmm..."  
  
Akane stared. This was exactly the sort of thing Ranma was   
talking about. If she hadn't heard what Ranma had just said, she'd  
think they were about to--  
  
She had seen it.  
  
Maybe she could believe it.  
  
"AIYAH! LOST BOY NO KISS RANMA!"  
  
"RANCHAN! WE'LL SAVE YOU FROM THAT PERVERT!"  
  
Two heads snapped around and in unison proclaimed, "No-- it's  
not what it looks like--"  
  
Then it degraded to a frantic Ryoga dancing around a   
trenchcoat-wearing blond Ukyo who had retrieved her battle-spatula,  
and Ranma trying to avoid a glomp-attempting Shampoo.  
  
"Shampoo save Airen from pervert lost boy!"  
  
"What are you talking about?!?"  
  
"You can't kiss Ranchan, you-- you jackass!"  
  
"She had something in her eye! That's all!"  
  
"Shampoo heard that one before!"  
  
"I DID have something in my eye!"  
  
"Ranchan, you don't have to defend this maniac!"  
  
"Who are you calling a maniac? And who are you anyway and why  
do you have Ukyo's spatula?"  
  
Akane stared in complete amazement. And erupted from the bush,  
yelling, "Leave them alone! You're wrecking their date!"  
  
Probably not the best choice of words.  
  
"Pervert girl WANT lost boy kiss Ranma?!?"  
  
"Akane-chan, have you gone out of your mind?"  
  
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" Akane screamed in embarrassment.  
Was this how Ranma felt? It wasn't fun.  
  
While the two rescuers stared at Akane, who was trying very hard  
not to explode, Ryoga and Ranma glanced at each other, nodded, and   
suddenly scooped up Akane and took to the rooftops.  
  
Ukyo and Shampoo stared after them frozen in confusion.  
  
"You know, sugar, I think we may have missed something here."  
  
"Shampoo think we miss lots."  
  
####  
  
The Tendo Dojo. Late evening. Stars twinkled in the sky, the  
moon shone bright, and three martial artists landed in the courtyard.  
  
"I can't believe they thought I was going to..." Ryoga said.  
  
"I can't believe they thought I would let you," added Ranma.  
  
"I can't believe they thought I'd want you to..." murmured  
Akane.   
  
"Somehow we should have know it would be inevitable,"  
Ranma opined. "Well, I guess the dare's over, and so's the date."  
  
"Not very romantic-type, was it?" smirked Akane. "I'm not sure  
it counts."  
  
And Ranma thought back to her conversation with her mother   
earlier in the week, walked up to Ryoga, leaned up a bit, and gave  
him a peck on the cheek. "Now it does," she retorted, and walked  
into the house.  
  
Both Akane and Ryoga stared dumfounded. And then Akane went   
into the house to try to get an explanation for THAT, and Ryoga just  
stood there...  
  
And sighed. Well, it had been an interesting night, anyhow.  
  
  
  
####  
  
End part seven.   
  
####  
  
Author's note-- Nothing like a classic Takahashi   
misunderstanding fest, is there? And Ichiro Gosunkugi will appear  
again with his cousin next time... heh. 


	10. Girl Days part 8 (Warning. Somewhat st...

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(I'm supposed to put something here, but I can't remember  
what..."  
  
Part Eight: Female Trouble  
  
####  
  
Genma Saotome considered himself a good father.  
  
He never understood why his son didn't agree. Or his wife. Or  
his future daughter in law. Or her sisters. Or even his best friend  
at times.  
  
It's not as though he'd ever done anything wrong in raising  
the boy on that training trip.  
  
Well, except possibly for the fiancee business, but he had been  
hungry.  
  
And maybe the Neko-ken, but who really reads all of a book these  
days?  
  
Of course, some might blame him for Jusenkyo... but how could  
he have known? The Chinese guidebook had been cheaper than the   
Japanese one, anyway...  
  
But except for those minor incidents, he'd done rather well,  
he thought.  
  
World of his own, folks, world of his own.  
  
The main thrust of his parental philosophy was twofold--  
to train the boy to be the greatest martial artist of his generation,  
and to make him a man upon men so that his wife wouldn't cut his head  
off. He was fairly certain that the first was more than possible  
now, and the second had had his wife's approval-- Ranma was a man   
among men.  
  
The present problem was that she apparently intended him to   
become a woman among women also. THIS was not something Genma felt  
particularly happy about.  
  
But opposing his wife's lunacy was something that was not a good  
idea. Partly because his wife has, perhaps, just barely, in a tiny  
way, some minuscule part of a reason that made sense, but mostly  
because she still carried that damn sword around all the time.  
  
Genma was not a happy man. Well, at the moment, he was not a   
happy panda. Either way he wasn't happy.  
  
He stared morosely at his son-- or rather daughter-- as she sat  
talking with Akane. Nothing wrong with that in his eyes. It bought  
hope for the union that he and Soun Tendo had so long planned.  
  
Said neo-daughter was wearing a blue blouse and a black   
knee-length skirt, and was wearing a blue bow in her ponytail.  
Now, THERE was something wrong in his eyes.   
  
Cautiously, he crept up (pandas can be surprisingly stealthy)  
to eavesdrop.  
  
With any luck, they would be discussing their romantic   
intentions, the hoped-for wedding, or at least the Art since Ranma  
was training Akane.  
  
Instead he heard something about... cramps?  
  
"Yeah... kinda inside me. I think I got something I didn't  
know I had. And I been feeling twitchy all day, you know? Is it   
that... thing... Mom's been talking about?"  
  
"Well, I know I feel that way sometimes when it's my time,   
Ranma. How are you handling it?"  
  
"So far, it's just that cramp thing... none of the... other   
stuff yet. GOD, I think I'm actually scared."  
  
Scared? HIS boy scared? Of anything? Ranma was not supposed  
to be scared of ANYTHING! (That was Genma's job.) Well, he'd put a   
stop to THAT!  
  
Scared, did I hear you say? Ranma, you are a practitioner  
of the Anything Goes school of Martial Arts, and if I say so myself,  
a damn good one when you aren't slacking or going along with this   
foolishness of your mother's! What have YOU to be frightened  
of?  
  
Of course, signs don't make sounds, and writing all that on one  
sign in Genma's sloppy hand meant that Ranma couldn't read a word of  
it.  
  
After a moment, Genma realized his error, went for some hot   
water, returned in a more communicative state, and repeated his   
tirade.  
  
"A lot you know, Pops. YOU ain't ever had to prepare for your  
first period."  
  
Genma fainted.  
  
And Soun, who had been hiding behind a screen, trying to figure  
out what Ranma and Akane had been talking about, broke into a torrent  
of tears. Not that that was unusual, a lollipop that tasted nice   
could cause Soun to break out into a torrent of tears...  
  
####  
  
"Nodoka, I demand that this travesty be terminated immediately!"  
complained Genma to his unconcerned wife.  
  
"No."  
  
"Wife, I am the husband--"  
  
"Or house pet," quipped Nodoka.  
  
"Ha. VERY humorous indeed. The point is that this... this   
experiment has gone far enough! That our son should be put through  
this unnatural ordeal-- it's humiliating and preposterous!"  
  
"I have no intention of putting our son through any unnatural  
ordeal."  
  
Genma began to smile. He'd finally won an argu--  
  
"I'm helping our daughter through a natural and inevitable  
experience of a young woman's life."  
  
"NODOKA!"  
  
"My mind is made up, Genma. Besides, this will make Ranma a   
better partner for Akane."  
  
"How? Is he going to share feminine hygiene products with her?"  
  
Nodoka rolled her eyes. "No, but a husband who truly   
understands his wife's difficulties with her time will be more   
sympathetic and less likely to shrug it off. And as I said, the   
training is to allow Ranma to understand her femininity as well as   
her masculinity. One can't truly understand what it means to be a   
woman without experiencing the most important parts of being a   
woman."  
  
Genma's eyes widened. "You can't mean for him to become preg--"  
  
"Don't be stupider than usual, Genma. Of COURSE I don't mean  
for Ranma to bear children."  
  
Genma relaxed.  
  
"Unless she chooses to, which I do find unlikely."  
  
Genma scowled. "Very funny again."  
  
"Was I joking?"  
  
Genma groaned.  
  
####  
  
"Tendo, this has gone far enough. Somehow we must convince  
Nodoka AND Ranma to give up this lunacy."  
  
"I'd agree, Saotome, but being lunar in nature it happens.  
I know, I have three daughters, and it's pretty much inevitable--"  
  
"Not the damn period man, this insane Girl Days training.  
I fear I may lose my son forever. What if this experience drives  
him over the edge?"  
  
"I'm not quite as worried as you anymore, Saotome. I don't see  
that Ranma has really changed except in dress and politeness,  
and she and Akane are getting along better. Why, she's been helping  
Akane in the dojo and in the kitchen-- and Akane actually made an   
edible soup yesterday. This might be just what those two girls   
needed--"  
  
"My GOD, man-- even YOU'RE calling Ranma a girl! What is   
happening to this household?"  
  
"Peace and quiet, for once. I'm not fond of the training  
myself, but I don't feel like arguing with Nodoka about it. That's  
your job."  
  
Genma felt betrayed. That his oldest friend should take such  
a stance. That he should be such a coward. That he could accept  
this travesty with such equanimity.  
  
That he was also right. Damn.  
  
"Anyhow, Saotome, it doesn't seem to have hurt the lasses skills  
or anything-- she's as good as ever. Maybe a bit better, you've  
been hitting the koi pond a lot more the last few days."  
  
"Only because HE'S got no reason to avoid that area anymore,"  
grumbled Genma. "Ranma takes shameless advantage of it."  
  
"Isn't that a fundamental precept of the Art?"  
  
"Yes-- but not when he uses it against me!"  
  
Soun shook his head. Poor Genma... having three daughters  
had helped Soun to adapt, but his old partner was really beginning  
to get very stressed over the matter...  
  
####  
  
The next day began early. Much earlier than expected.  
  
Ranma woke up with an uncomfortable feeling, and decided to go   
to the toilet. She wasn't certain that was what she needed, but she  
felt oddly bloated, so it was a possibility.  
  
A few minutes later reality sank in. She had been informed,  
coached, and talked through what was likely to happen.  
  
She was prepared. Well and truly prepared.  
  
So she only screamed for four and a half minutes straight  
rather than the seventeen she would otherwise have indulged in.  
  
It took the combined efforts of Nodoka, Kasumi and Akane an hour  
to calm the trainee girl down. After a bath and a good cleaning,  
fresh undergarments, and the object that Ranma had chosen (The kind  
with wings. Ranma had flat out rejected the tampon-- the mechanics  
were TOO creepy) in place, she began to calm down. Somewhat.   
  
But it was generally considered that it might be a good idea to  
walk softly. As in on eggshells strewn on a rickety rope bridge  
out of Indiana Jones that was three feet over a minefield while   
juggling a flask on nitroglycerin and another of Sarin gas.  
  
No, softer. Ranma was NOT in good shape, emotionally.  
She'd been, deep down, certain that there wasn't anything really  
to her mother's idea that she was both male and female.  
  
Now she wasn't so sure. This was something that did NOT happen  
to men. None that SHE'D ever heard about, that is.  
  
Nodoka was, on the other hand, somewhat confused at how hard her  
daughter was taking the matter. Up till now, she'd been doing so   
well-- perhaps not a proper lady, but a well-behaved tomboy, as she'd  
expected. This seemed to her something of an overreaction.  
  
Then Kasumi, who had a rather unusual amount of medical   
knowledge put it into perspective. Ordinary girls grew gradually  
into puberty and the onset of menarche, and had an extended period  
of time to prepare for it. Hormonal alterations were gradual and   
they got used to them. And most of all, they were generally taught  
to expect it somewhat earlier than a few days ahead.  
  
In Ranma's case, however, it was the equivalent of one day a   
male, the next something quite different-- in self image at least--  
with no real time to adapt. Ranma had received all her changes  
at once due to Jyusenko, and the psychological effects of her first  
menstruation combined with the physical ones of unfamiliar   
discomforts and hormonal imbalances would tend to make ANYONE in that  
situation somewhat... fragile.  
  
In other words, to Ranma, it was a severe blow to her masculine  
self-image.  
  
And for the first time, Nodoka began to have second thoughts.  
  
She needn't have. Ranma was at the moment deciding that if   
Akane, or Nabiki, or for that matter ANY girl could handle this, so   
could she. Damned if after the initial training she'd stay in girl  
form long enough to let it happen again, of course, but she could  
live through it. She figured she'd probably have to once more   
anyhow... but she could handle this. Cramps, flushes, the... the   
bleeding and all of it.   
  
Besides, she had no choice. She'd been using the waterproof  
beauty soap regularly, and it took about five to seven days to wear  
off. But she didn't have to like it.  
  
But she could handle it.  
  
She swallowed a couple of pills with a wry grin. The brand name  
seemed strangely appropriate. The OTHER Midol was connected in her  
mind with pain also-- although there the pain was in the butt, not...  
wherever it was.  
  
She was at the moment painfully aware that she had an actual  
honest-to-Kami womb.  
  
Which bought up more disturbing thoughts.  
  
Ranma didn't exactly have the clearest concept of sex. Oh,   
sure, she knew roughly what was involved, that it happened, you   
needed two people to do it-- usually of opposite gender-- and stuff  
like that.  
  
But to her, it was something still vague. Perhaps it was   
because she'd spent so many years on the road thinking of nothing  
but the Art, or maybe it was because she spent so much time AS a she  
at times-- even unplanned-- but she didn't have the hormonally  
driven bullet train of lust that other boys her age had. Where they  
found it enticing, she found it frightening, somewhat-- even more   
than a real girl might.   
  
Especially since she knew that some girls-- Shampoo and Kodachi  
leapt to mind-- weren't frightened, and those two frightened  
HER.  
  
She'd never understood why Akane called her a pervert, except  
that it seemed to be an article of faith with Akane that ALL boys   
were perverts, and Ranma's curse just made her more so. In fact,  
she wasn't certain what a pervert was. (She had some idea it had to  
do with latex clothing, vibrators, Cheeze Whiz and a chicken, but   
then again she could be wrong.)  
  
[Author's note: She wasn't. But the tail end of overheard  
conversations between Hiroshi and Daisuke talking about the latest  
ecchi magazine's letter columns isn't exactly what one would call   
good sex education.]  
  
She just felt fairly certain she wasn't one.  
  
It didn't help that her mother would see nothing wrong with   
her-- when she was a he-- madly sleeping around like a demented  
rabbit with Viagra spiked carrots. Her honor-- her self-determined  
honor-- told her that that would be wrong.  
  
Then it hit her. HARD.  
  
The reason why so many boys would chase and flirt with her girl  
form was because they wanted to... to...  
  
ACK.  
  
With latex clothing, vibrators, Cheeze Whiz and a chicken,  
possibly.   
  
A strong self image as a male hadn't allowed that connection  
to be fully made before. And now she suddenly understood WHICH   
connection they were after.  
  
Those... those...  
  
Perverts.  
  
If any boy had propositioned Ranma at that moment, Akane would  
have likely applauded in admiration at Ranma's reaction...  
  
####  
  
Genma was plotting. The first matter of business was to change  
Ranma back into a boy, Nodoka's opposition or no.  
  
After the severe thumping that Ranma gave him, he remembered  
that splashing Ranma with hot water wouldn't work, thanks to that   
damnable waterproof soap. No matter how hot the water was. And he'd  
spent so much effort to get it really boiling, too...  
  
Which meant that changing her back would take at least a few   
days.  
  
His next plan was to try to steal all the waterproof beauty  
soap.  
  
He probably shouldn't have tried that while Ranma was in the   
furo.  
  
Ranma HAD been developing a bit of modesty-- feminine or   
otherwise-- and the room was steamy. Thus, she didn't recognize  
Genma-- although that might not have mattered. Male figure in furo  
room while she was bathing. Bad thing. What to do?  
  
Since the only pattern of action she actually had in a situation  
like this was Akane's example, the proceedings were... predictable.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEK!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"PERVERT!"  
  
"What?"  
  
Wham. Bang. Crash. Slam. Bam. Whomp. Crunch.  
  
"I...ite..."  
  
(I have to ask Akane if I did that right.)  
  
On to plan three. If he couldn't make Ranma BE a boy, he could  
make Ranma DRESS like a boy. So, he'd use the Old Master's   
techniques to steal all of Ranma's disgusting feminine clothing.  
  
A somewhat bruised Genma entered a room, dressed in a purple  
ninja outfit with a cloth tied over his head. Ah, it actually  
bought back memories, of the old days training with the Master.  
  
As he cleaned out Ranma's dresser, and began stuffing a bag, he  
heard a sound, turned around, and stared--  
  
At a blue glowing, mallet wielding, and very very scowling  
Ranma.  
  
What happened next ALSO bought back memories. Also of the   
training with the Old master. And why he'd HATED this part.  
  
####  
  
"I can't BELIEVE Pops! Walking in while I'm bathing when I put  
the sign out and everything, splashing me with hot water for no   
reason, and trying to steal my... my panties! What the hell's got   
into him, Mom?"  
  
"I think he was upset with how you reacted this morning to   
your... condition, dear."  
  
"I still ain't happy with it. But if Akane can deal with it, I   
can. But why is he trying to steal my panties? I mean, that's Ha--  
the old pervert's gig! And these were clean anyhow! What's WRONG  
with that baka?!?"  
  
Nodoka decided not to chide Ranma for her unladylike language  
this time. Partly because she fully agreed. "I suspect he's trying  
to force you back into a masculine state. For example, his attempt  
to steal your female clothing may have been an attempt to force you  
into male clothing."  
  
"Oh, great. Like boxers are gonna hold a pad. Mom, I never  
claimed to be happy with the training, but I am learning things from  
it, and I'm gonna finish it all the way. But he's getting on my   
nerves. REALLY on my nerves."  
  
Nodoka shrank back a moment at the flicker of blue that coursed  
around Ranma for a moment. Her daughter was, as it were, well and   
truly pissed. "Um... perhaps you should wear slacks today, Ranma,  
so that your father will feel a little better... look a little more  
boyish."  
  
"Oh, no. He's not getting an INCH from me. Not after stepping  
on my best pajamas! I bought those with my own money because of the  
horses, and I'm mad about that! They're the first girl-type pajamas  
I LIKED! And he TORE them!! Besides, we... blech... are supposed  
to buy my... my... uniforms today. So I have to wear a skirt part  
of the time anyhow. And if he gets in my way once more... Grrrrr."  
  
Ranma stormed out in a high dudgeon that would have made Akane  
quail in fear. She was in A Mood That Was Somewhat More Than Merely  
Bad. Hormonal surges that she'd never had to deal with were playing  
havoc with her emotional state-- and her mental state as well. She  
was trying at one moment disparately not to break into tears and at   
another desperately trying not to go and kill someone. (Enticing  
visions of a defenestrated Kuno danced in her brain.) Only her iron  
hard control that she had learned over more than a decade kept her   
from becoming, well, something disastrous.  
  
It was a pity that Happosai was in Antarctica, trying to molest  
penguins (Shampoo was right, after all-- and his brain was still   
fried) or else he might have finally been put out of everyone's  
misery.  
  
####  
  
For reasons that no-one had yet adequately explained, shopping  
parties for Ranma tended to have both Nodoka and Akane in tow. This  
would lead to some unusual results this day.  
  
For example, Ranma mentioned something idle about a new pair of  
thigh-highs. That was her preferred type of stocking, as she thought  
of them as really tall socks. Akane knew them to be enticing   
lingerie, and jokingly said "Pervert".  
  
Ranma's reaction was... unexpected.  
  
Akane gulped as Ranma flared an incandescent blue, and screamed  
into her face (from three inches) "I am not a pervert! You keep   
calling me that and I ain't! I'm sick of it! Dammit, I DON'T EVEN  
LIKE CHEEZE WHIZ!"  
  
Akane felt at the moment very much like Ranma had on many   
previous occasions. It was all she could do to keep from looking  
in panic for a mallet. Aimed at her, that is.  
  
"i'm... i'm sorry, ranma..." she replied in a very very very   
small voice.  
  
Ranma suddenly grinned. "Aw, that's okay, you say that all the  
time. Betcha don't know what it means anyway. C'mon, let's get to   
the shop."  
  
As Ranma started to walk to the intended destination,  
Akane stared. And Nodoka remembered Kasumi's words.  
  
"Ranma may be... somewhat moody, Akane-chan, for a few days.  
She's never had to deal with this, and it's affecting her more   
strongly than a, well, 'normal' girl. You may want to be a bit more  
careful about your... jests."  
  
"He... she never reacted like that about that, before..."  
  
"Perhaps, that word... it hurts her more than you think,   
Akane-chan?"  
  
"I... never thought about that..."  
  
"I have noticed," said Nodoka, in a slightly accusatory  
tone. "Normally Ranma's control is absolute. Right now, it's less  
than that... we had better watch her closely for a while. Mood   
shifts are one thing-- but my daughter is having something more...  
drastic."  
  
Akane nodded, resolved to be extra nice the next few days, and  
tried desperately to figure out what Cheeze Whiz had to do with   
anything.  
  
####  
  
"I'm going to look like a clone."  
  
"You just have to know how to tweak it, Ranma."  
  
Ranma looked at Akane curiously. The Furinkan uniform was the  
usual-- white blouse and green-blue jumper-- and had as far as she   
could tell little or no tweaking area at all.  
  
"Well... OK. One trick is to wear a non-standard blouse. Not  
TOO much or you get yelled at, but just enough. Also, you don't have  
to wear the same socks-- most girls get them with trim from popular  
manga or anime or cute animals or flowers or something like that...  
though I don't think they have Dragonball Z socks, because most girls  
aren't into that. And bookbag tags are good, and a lot of girls go   
for unusual hairstyles. Especially at our school because it bugs the  
Principal so much. Fun ribbons in your hair, bracelets, sometimes  
dying your hair a little bit-- I don't but some of my friends do--  
little things."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Hai. Also, you can wear the skirt shorter-- pretty short,  
in fact, or really long. There's a lot of fabric you can alter with.  
As long as it's not actually a mini, or floor length, you can get   
away with a lot if you're careful. The guys do the same thing--  
wear the collars in different ways, don't button all the buttons  
on a jacket... Guys are really into badges."  
  
"I never knew any of that..."  
  
"You never wore a uniform if you could help it... Ooooh! Here's  
the PERFECT socks for you!"  
  
Ranma looked at the socks. She had to agree. Buried amongst  
the pack of Sailor Moon, Doraemon, Minky Momo, Hello Kitty (brrrr),  
and other kawaii trimmed socks were six pairs of neglected,   
unnoticed, and perfectly Ranma socks.  
  
The trim was a series of prancing horses. Ranma grinned.  
"Put 'em in the bag."  
  
Then came gym clothes. That was simple-- the usual yellow T and  
red bloomers.   
  
"I hate these things," Ranma said, glaring at the bloomers  
she held. Three pairs of thick cotton and polyester shorts that fit  
more like panties, they were so tight. Uncomfortable, usually   
unflattering, and always despised.  
  
"We all do, Ranma. I wish we could wear loose shorts like the  
boys, but... what are you grinning about?"  
  
"We're leaving for school ten minutes earlier this term,   
student."  
  
Akane internally acked. (A habit she had picked up from Ranma.)  
She knew THAT tone of voice.  
  
"Um... why, Sensei?"  
  
"So we can wear these under the uniforms and you can practice  
your fencewalking. If we get there early we can change into panties  
before class. We also have a better chance of dodging Kuno."  
  
Akane KNEW that if it was Sensei-mode Ranma then she was going  
to be doing just that. And gulped.  
  
"Um... some boys won't care, just to look under the skirt,   
Sensei?"  
  
"Then since it's not panties but bloomers which they can see any  
time, we assume they are REAL perverts, (growl) and you will be   
allowed to hit them before we resume walking."  
  
Had Akane not been focused on her own fears of embarrassment,  
she might have noticed the insane loathing Ranma put into the term  
pervert.  
  
"Uwabaki next?"  
  
[Author's Note:Uwabaki are 'inside shoes', a sort of a   
slipper/sneaker combination worn by students at school. One changes  
into them in the hallway and wears them until school is over, when  
one changes back. They are sometimes worn in Japanese homes as   
well-- but not the same pair. One for school, one for home (if worn  
at home).]  
  
"No, we have to buy those at school. Remember?"  
  
"I never used uwabaki much... "  
  
"Well, you're supposed to now. You buy them at school. Oh, a   
lot of girls decorate theirs also... more customizing. You're not   
supposed to, but everyone does it anyway. Markers and such. Gym   
shoes also. There's not much you can do with a T and bloomers,  
so it's the shoes."  
  
"Man... uniforms are complicated."  
  
"I suppose you'll want a shorter skirt on your jumper--"  
  
"What's THAT supposed to mean!?!" Ranma suddenly erupted.  
  
"Um... well, because you can get away with it? Because you   
have... um... nice legs?"  
  
"Humph. Then why don't you?"  
  
Nodoka stared. Something odd was about to happen, she KNEW it.  
  
"Why... why would I shorten MY skirt?"  
  
"Akane, you know PERFECTLY well that even if your bust isn't  
that big-- and it's bigger than it used to be anyhow-- you have   
always had good legs. Humph."  
  
Akane stared. That was-- lefthanded, yes, but still-- a   
complement. A serious one. Ranma MUST be unstable.  
  
"But... you always call me uncute..."  
  
"That doesn't have anything to do with your looks."  
  
"W--what?"  
  
"Hitting me for anything I say, never listening, always taking  
things the wrong way, always blaming me for everything that goes   
wrong-- what's cute about that? Humph. Don't know why I bother."   
  
And Ranma turned her back with a sniff.   
  
Akane stared. Even taking into account the possibility  
that Ranma was temporarily... odd... because of her biological  
ordeal, that had a frightening ring of sincerity. And accuracy.   
  
Girl days was supposed to educate Ranma. But as little as she  
wanted to admit it, they were teaching her something also. Things  
she didn't like. About herself.   
  
"Oh, is that what you meant?" Akane retorted (rather weakly).  
"Well, why didn't you ever explain that?"  
  
"Because I'd never get three words out before being pummeled,  
that's why!"  
  
Silence. And then, a quiet sniffling.  
  
Ranma froze. She then turned around slowly, to gaze at a   
quietly weeping Akane.  
  
"Aw... don't cry... I... I didn't mean it..."  
  
"Yes, yes you did, Ranma, and... and you're... partly right...  
and... and I should listen more... and I'm sorry I keep calling  
you a... a... I'm sorry."  
  
There was a pause. "Well, I guess I could be nicer about it..."  
  
"You have been... I... I should try to be nicer too..."  
  
Akane's next reaction was classic 'girl'. Ranma's was more her  
present unstable emotional state-- but there was, possibly, a bit of  
girl there also. Or maybe a boy who was learning that showing his   
feelings wasn't needfully a bad thing.  
  
They both burst into tears and hugged each other fiercely.  
  
After a moment, Ranma murmured, "C--can't breathe... gomen..."  
  
Akane let loose, teary-eyed again. "Gomen, Ranma..."  
  
Two girls looked into each other's eyes and decided that even  
if they were rotten fiance/es, that was no reason they couldn't  
try to be friends.  
  
The dynamics were beginning to change. For once, just maybe,  
for the better.  
  
And Nodoka Saotome smiled... and wondered.  
  
####  
  
The walk back was uneventful.  
  
No, sorry, that was a different walk back. THIS walk back was  
something other than uneventful.  
  
It began with an obvious target. Tatewaki Kuno. Well, Tatewaki  
Kuno and Tsubasa. Somehow, although Kuno was normally as perceptive  
as a dead aardvark with a blindfold, he'd developed an unerring  
Tsubasa-sense, that allowed him to ID the master of really stupid  
disguises at a hundred meters.  
  
And since Kuno was still convinced that Tsubasa was actually  
the demon Saotome, well...  
  
Nodoka often wondered if she'd finally seen all the oddness  
in her child's life, or the lives of those around her.  
  
The sight of a bokken waving Kuno chasing a panicked dinette  
set, compete with four matching chairs and a cheap lamp, told her   
that she was nowhere NEAR that stage yet.  
  
Few things could distract Kuno from his righteous crusade   
against womanizing furniture. But the sight of the Pony-tailed  
Goddess in company with the angelic Akane Tendo qualified.  
  
For once, he decided to approach Akane first.   
  
"Akane Tendo! Fear not, I have the foul sorcerer on the run!  
Allow me to remain to protect you--"  
  
"GO AWAY."  
  
Kuno turned to the goddess of his dreams, and froze. She glowed  
a strange color of blue-- well, not that strange, but unlike some,  
he'd never caught on to this being a danger signal.  
  
"I'm SICK of you. Not only do you bother the both of us with  
unwanted attentions, but you can't pick which one of us to bother!  
You... you PLAYBOY!"  
  
Kuno responded, reasonably, "But surely I have enough love for  
you both--"  
  
And Ranma literally started to rise into the air. Her ponytail  
unraveled, and her hair began to flow upwards. It took on a   
strangely greenish tint rather than it's usual red. And for a moment  
Akane could have sworn she saw... fangs.  
  
"You could at least choose a SINGLE girl to annoy! You...   
you... JERK!"  
  
"Have I displeased you in some way? Ah, this is jealousy!  
Truly, you DO love me--"  
  
Ranma never knew where that chi attack came from. Somehow,  
she thought she never would. But she would never forget it.  
  
"DIVINE RETRIBUTION!!!"  
  
ZAKK.  
  
As Kuno twitched from the chi-forged lightning, Ranma settled  
down to the ground, and muttered, "Funny, I feel a lot better. Hey,  
Mom, Akane, why are you in the trees?"  
  
"Um... we were looking for birds nests dear. For decoration.  
Right, Akane-chan?"  
  
"Oh, right, hai, that's the ticket. Um... can we go home now?"  
  
"Aw, we were going to go shopping a little more, right? For   
something other than a uniform?"  
  
"Hai, Dear!"  
  
"Sure thing, Ranma!"  
  
Later, Ranma wondered why she bought the tiger-patterned  
bikini. It wasn't really her style.  
  
####  
  
The next incident had to do with Shampoo. It began with the   
typical Amazon Glomp.  
  
Shampoo could have chosen a worse time, one supposes, but this  
writer personally can't see HOW.  
  
Before you-- or she, for that matter-- could say "Airen",  
Ranma began to snarl. Really snarl, like a angry beast.   
  
Shampoo blinked. And released the glomp in confusion and a bit  
of fear. "What wrong?"  
  
"You... you... Oh, I see it now, I do."  
  
"Uh?"  
  
"You're a BOY!"  
  
Shampoo had been accused of many things. Boy wasn't even in the  
realms of possibility.  
  
Akane stared at Ranma in sheer stupefaction. Nodoka, being the  
wise and perceptive woman she was, also stared at Ranma in sheer   
stupefaction. THIS was an extremely unexpected accusation.  
  
"What airen mean, Shampoo Boy? Shampoo look like boy to airen?"  
  
"You can't fool me! Glomping me all the time, trying to get me  
to go on dates with you, trying to kiss me-- just like boys do!   
You're a boy! A pushy, perverted boy! You probably even have Cheeze  
Whiz!"  
  
"Aiya! Ranma go crazy! Shampoo get Hibachan to help!" The   
Amazon sped away, confused (again).  
  
"I bet Kodachi's a boy too..." grumbled Ranma.  
  
Nodoka actually hoped that Cologne WOULD drop by... her daughter  
was becoming erratic.  
  
Akane hoped that Cologne would come by for a different reason.  
Ranma was turning into... Akane.  
  
####  
  
"Hibachan! Hibachan! Ranma go crazy! Think Shampoo BOY!"  
  
Cologne had a curious case of deja vu. She paused, and then   
checked the calendar. "No, she's not gone crazy, Shampoo. Not   
permanently, anyhow. Let me gather a few things and we'll visit the  
Tendo Dojo.."  
  
####  
  
Cologne had learned many things over her hundred-plus  
years. And unlike the Tendos (with the exception of Kasumi) or the  
Saotome's, she had a very good idea what was going on.   
  
"Her chi is in imbalance. Since she has never experienced  
this, her perceptions are skewed. Her next period will be easier,  
but for one changed it's always very hard for the first."  
  
Genma grumbled at the mention of a NEXT one.  
  
"It's happened before?" asked Nodoka.  
  
"Oh, yes... rarely, but it has happened. We DO live near   
Jusenkyo, after all. Now, she's likely to take her skewed   
perceptions from whatever girl she knows best."  
  
Akane gulped.  
  
"Oh, Ranma turning into Violent Girl, then?"  
  
"Humph. Well, since she knows me best, that must be why she's  
not turning into a bimbo."  
  
Daggers passed from eye to eye as Cologne sighed. "At any rate,  
I have some herbs that will help relax her and rebalance her chi   
somewhat. But she will still be fragile for the next few days.   
Let's hope nothing happens to unduly stress her."  
  
"Ranma Saotome! I challenge you!" came a cry from outside  
the Dojo's walls.  
  
"Would that count?" asked Akane, dryly.  
  
####  
  
In her room, Ranma was holding her head. Mood swings weren't  
something that she was used to. Mood swings that registered  
on the Richter scale was something that no-one was used to-- at least  
not coming from Ranma.  
  
She'd been getting irritable and then angry and then happy and  
then teary and then... it was really really getting to her. A LOT.  
  
She had to calm down. She had to regain control. Soul of Ice.  
Soul of Ice...  
  
A distraction. Try to distract herself from these feelings.  
Try out the new things Akane had mentioned. Try to distract herself.  
  
She picked up one of her new jumpers and contemplated  
it...  
  
####  
  
For some reason, most martial artists that came to challenge  
Ranma were either practitioners of a style similar to Anything  
Goes (which is to say, powerful) or practitioners of an obscure  
and esoteric style (which is to say, blatantly ridiculous).  
The belt holding packets of chips, crackers, and cookies strongly  
suggested the latter at the moment.  
  
"Akane, would you get Ranma?" asked Nodoka.  
  
"Um... are you sure that's a good idea, Auntie?"  
  
"I must agree with Akane," added Cologne. "At the moment,  
it might be advisable--"  
  
"Your concern is appreciated, but as the heir to the Anything  
Goes school, Saotome Ryu, Ranma may not refuse a challenge. She   
should at least meet the gentleman."  
  
Genma nodded. At least Nodoka had one priority straight.  
  
(She?) thought the challenger.  
  
Akane went upstairs. Akane came down upstairs with her face   
white. "Ra-Ranma's coming down, Auntie. She was just, um, trying  
on her new uniform."  
  
"Excuse me," interrupted the stranger. "But I was under the   
impression that Ranma Saotome was a male?"  
  
"Well, usually, but not at the moment," replied a blasé Nodoka.  
  
"Not at the--"  
  
And Ranma came downstairs in a Furinkan girl's uniform, with her  
cute horsy socks and her hair done up in twinned ponytails--  
one on either side-- held with bright yellow bows. At the moment  
she looked exceedingly cute. Had Asuza been in the room Ranma would  
have likely been renamed Jeannette and kidnapped. Nodoka smiled,  
and Genma scowled.  
  
The stranger took one look and sputtered, "This-- THIS is the   
famed Ranma Saotome? THIS is the master martial artist? THIS is the  
fearsome warrior I have come to challenge?"  
  
"Hai! Did you come to challenge Ranma-chan? Ranma-chan  
will accept, but not today. She's feeling a little sicky-wicky  
today... Can you come back tomorrow, please? Pretty please?"  
If Ranma has been disturbing before, this new kawaii as all the   
kittens on earth Ranma was terrifying to everyone in the room-- Even  
Nodoka-- except the stranger, who was merely dumfounded.  
  
"Oh. Um, sure, tomorrow... say, noon in the park? Um, oh, I'm  
called Big Pocky. I'm here to test my Special school of Snack Food  
Martial Arts... um... just a moment..."  
  
Big Pocky took a photograph from his pocket, stared at it for a   
moment, and frowned. "Are you SURE this is Ranma Saotome? She   
doesn't look anything like the photograph..."  
  
Ranma peered at the photo, and giggled like the schoolgirl  
she was dressed as. "Hai! That's Ranma-chan when Ranma-chan  
is Ranma-kun! But she's not a boy right now, gomen. You'll have to  
wait a month for that."  
  
Big Pocky shrugged. If they said this... person was Ranma,  
who was he to disagree? "Then tomorrow, at the park, noon.   
Farewell."  
  
Cologne, staring at the giggling Ranma, began to make a pot of a  
special tea. She'd come just in time.  
  
####  
  
An hour later, the challenger having left, Ranma rubbed her head  
and moaned. "Man, what is with my hair? And why do I have a   
headache?"  
  
"The headache is a small after-effect of the potion I gave you  
earlier, Ranma. Drink a cup of this tea every two hours to assist  
you in balancing your chi. Your first period has affected you   
severely..."  
  
"That stuff tastes awful."  
  
"True," replied Cologne. "It also will help you maintain  
control over your mood swings and internal discomfort. Shampoo,  
is that ramen ready yet?"  
  
"Almost, Hibachan," came a Chinese lilt from the kitchen.  
  
"You really need to take the tea with some food. Besides,  
it get's the aftertaste out."  
  
"Man, I been acting like a loony all day, haven't I?" Ranma  
felt disgusted with herself.  
  
"It's hardly your fault. I should have realized that this might  
happen earlier. Between your body's hormonal imbalance and the   
effects on your chi it's a miracle you haven't seriously injured  
anyone. Only your strong self-control allowed you to ameliorate  
the effects as well as you did."  
  
"I... I hit Kuno with some sort of lightning bolt, but I don't  
remember how I did..."  
  
"Kuno doesn't count. Besides, he gets hit by his own all the   
time," Akane put in.  
  
Ranma sipped the tea (bleah) and gratefully accepted a bowl of   
ramen from Shampoo. "Well... you think that I'll be in shape to   
fight this guy tomorrow?"  
  
"If you are careful and remember to take the tea, I think so,   
Ranma. But keep control, the tea is an aid, but it's not a cure.  
Fortunately, your next, ah, time won't be anything this strange.  
It's only going to last until your chi balances-- well, the more   
extreme effects anyhow." Cologne shook her head. Personally,  
had it been anyone but Ranma, she would have suggested waiting for a   
week. Then again, who did she know that this could happen to BUT   
Ranma?  
  
"So I have to fight some guy with snack food as a style? Mom,  
why do all the weird ones seek me out? Snack food? As a martial  
art? Okonomiyaki I can understand, but potato chips?"  
  
"I wouldn't underestimate him, Ranma," said Cologne.  
  
"Why not? That's got to be the stupidest excuse for a martial  
art I've ever heard of!"  
  
"My point exactly. Every time you've come against a really  
stupid sounding martial art you've had a real problem with it. One  
THIS ludicrous doubtless has special moves that you won't be prepared  
for."  
  
The assembled fighters frowned. That was true enough.   
  
"Anyway, thanks for the tea... and sorry about calling you a   
boy, Shampoo."  
  
"Shampoo not mad. No blame airen be crazy. Not help it."  
  
"I guess I was a little crazy sometimes today..."  
  
"And sometimes not," murmured Akane, quietly.  
  
"Anyhow, I gotta get ready for tomorrow. Akane, where's my   
leather polish?"  
  
"Ranma, you aren't planning to wear-- THAT?"  
  
"Well, it's sure as heck not what he's expecting, is it?"  
  
Akane and Nodoka sweatdropped, while Cologne, Shampoo, and Genma  
looked confused-- and Ranma smirked.  
  
####  
  
Ranma stood in the park, wearing a trenchcoat over her fighting  
gear. Nabiki, who had gotten her first look at the fighting gear   
that morning, was standing with her fingers twitching on the   
camcorder. Shampoo, Ukyo, Akane, Cologne, and Nodoka all stood to   
one side, waiting for the challenger to arrive.  
  
"Ranma fight in detective coat? Shampoo not understand."  
  
"Yeah, Ranchan, I don't get what's so special about that as a   
fighting outfit. I'd think with your style it'd get in the way."  
  
"I must admit, Ranma, I don't see the point myself, unless   
you're trying to emulate Mousse."  
  
Akane and Nodoka just nodded to each other.  
  
Ranma was carefully in control. Although she was nowhere near  
as erratic as she had been the day before, beneath the surface was   
the potential to go nuts again.  
  
Word gets around about fights. Many came, and many wondered  
why Ranma was a girl at the time. Nabiki started selling approved  
pamphlets explaining Ranma's training (Approved because they pointed  
out that no, Ranma was NOT going on dates) at 500 yen each.  
  
Since each had a picture of Ranma in her favorite miniskirt  
and camisole top combo, they went fast.   
  
Big Pocky arrived. And many girls stared. He was, as martial  
artists so often are, a handsome type, dressed in a loose denim   
jacket, jeans, boots, and his belt of snacks. His close-cropped  
blond hair, piercing green eyes, and square jaw, added to an   
impressive physique, made more than one girl sigh. (Other girls   
sighed because Ranma was being a girl at the time and they'd really  
rather watch Boy-type Ranma.)  
  
He nodded to Ranma, who dropped her trenchcoat, and--   
  
Gasps. Many gasps. Girls flushed and started to burn in   
jealousy because they'd never wear THAT. Guys flushed and began to   
drool. Big Pocky, who was expecting the ditz from yesterday just   
stared, his jaw dropping. Shampoo, Ukyo, and Cologne stared in dull  
shock. Genma almost had a heart attack. And Nabiki went for a   
close-up pan.  
  
Akane and Nodoka just sighed, but had to admit that Ranma's  
leathers were effective.  
  
[Author's note-- I here insert a description of the Fighting  
Gear from Part two of these chronicles...  
  
Leather it was. A black glossy gleaming leather shorts and   
halter combo, with calf-high boots and a chain-link belt. And the   
Mirrorshades. Can't forget the mirrorshades. Or the fingerless  
elbow length gloves. Or the fishnet stockings. Even the choker.  
  
Ranma was RADIATING "Bad Girl".  
  
We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.]  
  
Ranma tossed her head, her now single ponytail tied back with  
a strip of black leather, and approached with calculated arrogance  
and sensuality. Big Pocky began to sweat.  
  
(Keep in control. Soul of Ice. Don't get upset at the boys   
staring at you, they're only boys, not men like YOU, Ranma, when you  
aren't a woman, and anyway you're still more of a man than any of   
those jerks.)  
  
"So," she said throatily, "Wanna rumble?"  
  
Big Pocky gulped and nodded.   
  
Ranma went into a casual defensive stance.  
  
Big Pocky grabbed a bag of chips from his belt, crushing it in   
one had-- and it exploded, sending dust at Ranma. Ranma dodged,  
only to find herself under a barrage of pretzel sticks.  
  
(Ow-- those hurt! They aren't damaging, but they hurt!)  
  
She went into the Chestnut Fist, blocking pretzels. And snarled  
as a stream of jelly beans hit her.  
  
This continued for a while. Although none of the assaults  
seemed to do much damage, they kept her from getting in close enough  
to get a blow in.  
  
Big Pocky was trying to get a chance for his special attack,  
the one that never failed... but the girl was too fast. If he could  
slow her up for a moment-- aha!  
  
Suddenly Ranma found herself assaulted by ice-cream cones, and  
one managed to hit her in the face. As she reached for her   
mirrorshades, to drop them and regain sight, she felt something  
warm and stick bind her arms.  
  
"What-- what is this stuff?"  
  
"Aha! I have you now," Big Pocky said, advancing for the   
knockout blow. "No one escapes the Special Cheeze Whiz Binding  
Attack!"  
  
(Cheeze Whiz? CHEEZE WHIZ?)  
  
Somewhere in Ranma's brain two normally unrelated concepts  
were still linked.  
  
"CHEEZE WHIZ?!?!? YOU-- YOU PERVERT!!"  
  
"Hey, what's perverted about-- YIKES!"  
  
Ranma was glowing. Incandescent blue, a azure beacon of   
feminine rage, masculine fury, and really really unbalanced hormones.  
A beacon that was screaming "Cheeze Whiz", "Pervert", and something  
about chickens. A beacon that was so angry her chi began to   
literally burn the dairy-based weapon off.  
  
Big Pocky backed up, apprehensive as all hell.  
  
Ranma began to gather a sphere of chi in her hands. Gold--  
but with black tiger-like streaks.  
  
"Um... did I say something wrong, miss? I can buy you a drink  
to make up for it..."  
  
Big Pocky had just given himself a severe case of athlete's  
gums.  
  
"MOKOU TAKABISHA REVISED! TIGRESS'S RIGHTEOUS FURY!"  
  
The sphere of gold and black chi shot forth, splitting into two.  
They diverged, and then slammed into Big Pocky from both sides. The  
master of lethal junk food went night-night.  
  
The crowd gasped. Nabiki collected bets. Akane and Nodoka  
congratulated Ranma, while trying to figure out where THAT technique  
came from. Cologne stared at the unconscious challenger, while   
wondering what it was about dairy products that had caused Ranma to   
create an entirely new technique. Shampoo and Ukyo just gawked.   
  
And the crowd decided that even if Ranma had decided to dress  
like something out of Sailor Moon Sailor Stars, the old adage still  
held true--  
  
Ranma Saotome Doesn't Lose.  
  
####  
  
"I must say, Apprentice, I AM impressed. And such an Amazon  
name for your new attack, too."  
  
"Maybe. But somehow I get the feeling I can only do that one if  
I'm a girl and really really angry. Hey, Shampoo, what's wrong?"  
  
Shampoo sat and sulked. "Hibachan mean to Shampoo."  
  
"I've already told you, great-granddaughter, you may NOT have  
an outfit like Ranma's. It's fine for her, but not appropriate  
for an Amazon."  
  
"Ranma train to be Amazon. No fair."  
  
"Japanese Amazon, Shampoo, and-- I'm not going to argue with you  
about it." Cologne sighed. Children could be so tiresome,   
especially teens.  
  
"Hey, I think the outfit's cool! You look like something  
from a videogame, Ranchan!"  
  
"Thanks, Ucchan. It might seem weird, but I like it. I like  
it's style. Hmm..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I was just wondering what the male equivalent would be?"  
  
Visions entered the various minds... mostly centering around  
tight leather pants and an open vest exposing a flat manly chest...  
  
Ranma never noticed three severe blushes as she returned to her  
celebratory meal. Or Nabiki's expression as she contemplated  
buying such an outfit for Ranma as a present-- and a photo   
opportunity. Or Nodoka's resigned expression. Or Cologne's   
hysterical grin. Or Kasumi's even more furious blush than the   
Fiancee Front's, combined with a desperate "Oh My!" Or Genma's  
sudden nervous twitch. Or Soun's sudden stiffening. Or...  
  
####  
  
End part Eight 


	11. Girl Days Part 9

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(And it's silly disclaimer thing goes here time again!)  
  
Part Nine: Back to School  
  
####  
  
School starts tomorrow.  
  
For Ranma Saotome those three words were more filled with horror  
than the entire body of the works of Lovecraft, King, and Barker  
combined. Her first day of attending school as a girl under the Girl  
Days training was something she was NOT looking forward to.  
  
It wasn't so much school as such, really, but rather the   
reactions of her classmates. That was likely to be chaotic. She   
wasn't sure which she was looking forward to the least-- the   
reactions of the boys or those of the girls.  
  
Right now she was so nervous she could hardly even concentrate  
on the sundae in front of her. Which, for Ranma, was a sure sign of  
trouble.  
  
Akane looked at her fiance-- or was that fiancee at the   
moment?-- and sighed. "Ranma, it'll be all right. Just relax."  
  
"Sure it will. The moment I hit that locker room I'm a dead   
man. Woman. Whatever."  
  
"I've been talking with Yuka and Sayuri, they're going to help.  
Besides, there's not much way around it..."  
  
"I'd love to find a way..."  
  
"Konnichiwa, Akane-chan!" a female voice chimed. Akane looked  
up, and smiled. "Here they are now, Ranma..."  
  
Yuka and Sayuri took seats next to the two girls. And started  
to carefully scrutinize Ranma. "Wow, you really are wearing a   
dress," Yuka said.  
  
"I know. I know."  
  
"Those earrings are really nice, Ranma," added Sayuri.  
  
"Um, thanks..."  
  
"I like the ponytail. You look so kawaii with that style, and  
that blue bow," noted Yuka.  
  
"Kawaii isn't my favorite word right now," Ranma groused,  
thinking back to her bout with her period. And was very very happy  
that it was over for now...  
  
"Where did you buy those shoes? I want a pair like--"  
  
"Sayuri, Yuka, we're supposed to be working on the introduction  
of Ranma into school society, remember?"  
  
The two nodded. "We've been checking out the wind, so to speak.  
Actually, most of the girls we talked to after that fight aren't  
really worried about Ranma, even in the locker room. They figure  
that if she can wear an outfit like the one she did in public, she's  
got to be a lot more feminine than they thought," said Yuka.  
  
Sayuri nodded. "Besides, I think a couple of them want to   
splash her with something hot to get a peek at HIS body. I don't  
think they know that that's not going to work..."  
  
Ranma blinked. "What-- a girl wouldn't do that, would she?"  
  
Akane groaned. To her personal disgust, she knew of a couple  
of girls who would cheerfully do just that. "Ranma... not all   
perverts are boys..." (Just like not all boys are perverts),  
she mused.  
  
"Anyhow," continued Sayuri, "There's a bit of expectation  
that maybe Ranma will join one of the girls teams this term.   
Rhythmic Gymnastics and Karate are the two that people are betting  
most on, although someone wondered if she'd go for the girl's Kendo  
team..."  
  
"Yeah, right. Can you see me waving a bokken around that don't  
have Kuno on the other end?"  
  
The other's giggled a bit at that. "I don't know," added Akane,  
"Maybe you can also get a nifty nickname and learn some   
speechmaking?"  
  
"You have no idea how much that would encourage Kuno, do you?"  
  
"Ranma Saotome, the Red Tigress of Furinkan High!" giggled  
Sayuri. Yuka paused, and added, "No, that kendo gear would hide   
Ranma-chan's figure too much..."  
  
"You guys ain't helping any..."  
  
"I wish I had the nerve to wear an outfit like that one from   
your fight, Ranma-chan," added Sayuri. "You looked so cool in it..."  
  
"Why does every girl in Nerima suddenly want to dress like me?"  
wondered Ranma.  
  
"Well, you DID look cool, Ranma," Yuka said. "Besides, it's   
kind of we wish we had your nerve... I'd die if anyone saw me wear  
that, but... I'd kind of like to try to, once."  
  
Ranma shook her head. Even if she WAS one at the moment, she   
would NEVER understand girls. What was so special about her   
leathers?  
  
Then she really thought about how she looked in them. And   
blushed so furiously she looked a lot like a female apple.  
  
"Um... those are just for fighting, you know? And they help   
keep the opponent off balance..."  
  
"Oooh, he was off balance all right! Did you see the way he was  
staring at your--"  
  
"Sayuri! Honestly!" Akane protested.  
  
"Well, he WAS," interjected Yuka. "Almost every boy there was.  
I don't think they could help it."  
  
"Almost every boy?" Sayuri noted, quizzically.  
  
"Well, some were looking at her rear more... those shorts are  
pretty tight, after all, and there's not a lot to them, and..."  
  
Ranma buried her head in her hands and groaned. This was like  
listening to a female version of Daisuke and Hiroshi.  
  
Akane, for once, was thinking VERY seriously about beating  
the hell out of her friends, instead of Ranma. She restrained  
herself with an effort, and said, "I don't suppose we can get back  
to the matter at hand, could we?"  
  
And plans were made...  
  
####  
  
"I HATE this uniform."  
  
Somehow Ranma looked like a totally different girl when in the  
Furinkan blouse and jumper combo. An overly ordinary schoolgirl.  
A, at the moment, very very pissed ordinary schoolgirl.  
  
She adjusted the straps on her jumper, checked her hair-bow,  
and sighed. At least it fit. She tugged at the bloomers she was   
wearing under the skirt-- needful if she was going to go to school  
in her accustomed manner-- to adjust them, and grabbed her bookbag.  
  
After a quick breakfast, she and Akane passed by the pandafied  
Genma (who had once again discovered that his daughter was dangerous  
in the mornings) and skipped to the top of the fence. Ranma walked  
on with her usual confidence, Akane following after a little wobbly  
but proudly.  
  
Akane was, in fact, improving a lot under Ranma's tutelage.  
And it tended to be an education.  
  
Ranma had indeed begun with what SHE considered the basics.  
How to fall. Akane had thought she knew how to fall-- that was,   
after all, the first lesson in nearly any martial art.  
  
Ranma, she discovered, meant how to fall off a roof. The   
Saotome-ryu was, after all, a midair art-- and Ranma meant Akane to   
start hitting the midair.  
  
Jumping was also weird. Ranma would say strange and hard to   
understand things about focusing chi and jumping with the heart,  
not the legs, and it never made any sense-- if she thought about it.  
  
But-- if she didn't think about it-- she could now jump eight  
feet straight up. Nothing like Ranma could-- yet-- but her sensei  
said that she would soon enough. Ranma said that she'd be   
roofhopping and the like with the best of them.  
  
Akane wasn't sure she liked that part. Would she find herself  
getting as weird as the major players? Did she really WANT to get to  
the levels that Ranma was teaching her?  
  
For all she knew Ranma would start her on some really weird   
training next. Something scary. Something... that would make her   
like Ranma.  
  
She had a vision of herself in Ranma's Chinese clothes again,  
fighting off multiple fiancés, while a bandanna wearing girl was   
attacking her with a pink parasol and screaming about ruining her   
happiness.  
  
NOT fun.  
  
Ash, they were close to the school now... she could stop   
thinking about that sort of thing. She hoped she could, anyhow.  
  
And there he was-- they hadn't dodged him after all. Nerima's  
number one poster child for the terminally deluded. Tatewaki Kuno.  
  
Who was, at the moment, not noticing them.  
  
Instead, he was suspiciously examining many many inanimate  
objects, trying to determine if the Sorcerer Saotome was inside one  
of them.  
  
Kuno's firm conviction that Tsubasa was actually Ranma had begin  
to take on new levels of lunacy. Anything-- ANYTHING-- could be the  
hated foe. There were threats from furniture, street signs,   
machines-- the demon could be anything!  
  
Ranma and Akane passed by Kuno, who was at the moment poking  
an innocent fire hydrant with his bokken, and went to the one place  
Ranma never really expected to go-- willingly, that was. The GIRLS  
locker room.  
  
Sayuri and Yuka were waiting for them along with a couple of   
girls who wanted to actually see a female Ranma enter. Ranma began  
to feel very very nervous. Understandably.  
  
She skinned off the bloomers and slipped on more comfortable  
underwear without lifting her skirt. It was, to her... disturbing.  
The new girls stared at the fact that Ranma was actually going to   
wear panties. That, if nothing else, suggested that the Girl Days  
thing was the truth and not just some plot to start peeping.  
  
Then again, if Akane was okay with it, it HAD to be true. The  
concept of Akane helping a boy-- ANY boy-- to indulge in perverse  
practices was, well, inconceivable.  
  
It didn't make them completely trustful-- but it did suggest  
that things weren't as bad as they might have feared.  
  
As Ranma and Akane left the locker room, gossip began...  
  
####  
  
"Nihao, Ranma!"  
  
(Oh, joy. Shampoo. And it's not even lunchtime, and... and...  
what the HELL?)  
  
Shampoo stood there, in a Furinkan uniform, her hair trimmed  
with wide red bows instead of the usual Amazon ornaments. "Shampoo  
go to school! Hibachan say if Ranma go, and Akane go, and Ukyo go,  
then why not Shampoo go?"  
  
"She did, did she?" Akane said, evenly.   
  
"She say Shampoo have accent. Not understand, no use MSG at   
Nekohanten, but if Hibachan say so..."  
  
"I see." Akane supposed that might be PART of the reason,  
but she was pretty darn certain that Cologne was also still planning  
to entrap Ranma. And anyhow, with Shampoo in class she could keep  
an eye on her. Then again, half the population of the school was   
already keeping an eye on her.  
  
Shampoo had altered her skirt to the shortest anyone could get  
away with, and her jumper fit just a little too snugly for proper  
school attire. And there wasn't a single boy in class that hadn't  
noticed it.   
  
"Whoa-- first Ranma and now this girl!"  
  
"Man, she's a fox!"  
  
"Damn, but she talks cute!"  
  
"Look at those legs!"  
  
"I wonder if she's a aquatransexual also?"  
  
Many many boys suddenly turned green. THAT would make perfect  
sense.  
  
"I know her," said Daisuke. "She's Shampoo. Trust me, might  
not be a good idea to bother her."  
  
"They won't listen, Dai," noted Hiroshi. "After all, if we   
didn't know about her, would we listen?"  
  
"Good point. Wonder how Ranma's feeling right now? He's got to  
be in pain..."  
  
"Naw, I talked to HER yesterday, and she says she's adapting.  
Even likes it a little bit at times."  
  
"Hmm....."  
  
"But she's not going to go out with you, Dai. "  
  
"You are no fun."  
  
"Not when I'm thinking about keeping my arms and legs attached  
to me, I'm not... Hey, there's proof there. I think that guy's about  
to try to pat Ranma's--"  
  
Sudden screams of pain erupted from nearby.  
  
"Whoa, that was intense."  
  
"You got it, Hiroshi... wonder where Ranma got the mallet?"  
  
"I ain't gonna ask her. Let's get to class."  
  
####  
  
Hinako-sensei stared at her seating chart, then at Ranma, then  
at her seating chart, then at Ranma, then... her 'lil kawaii head was  
beginning to hurt.  
  
"You're CERTAIN this isn't something delinquent, Ranma?"  
  
"No, Sensei. It's part of special training to face my   
femininity with masculine determination."  
  
Hinako looked uncertain. But so far, Ranma hadn't done anything  
wrong-- except inasmuch as being in class in female form in a girl's  
uniform while sitting properly at her desk was wrong. Akane sat to   
one side of her, keeping an eye on certain new students who were   
eyeing her fiancé speculatively-- especially the one with purple  
hair.   
  
Ukyo-kun sighed. Her hopes to eventually enchant Ranma with her  
true devotion were even more complicated by Shampoo's sudden   
attendance at Furinkan. And there was going to be the usual problems  
with new female students hitting on what they thought was an   
exceedingly handsome boy. Well, that was nothing new...  
  
Ranma toyed with her ponytail and sensed that something would  
happen soon. Something bad, something dangerous, and most certainly  
something stupid.   
  
And Ranma froze as she checked out her course mix for the term.  
Something stupid already happened...  
  
Because she had the course mix for female students. Home   
economics. Literature. Family... she really didn't like this at   
all.  
  
"Well, if that's the, ah, case, Ranma, I suppose-- you look very  
uncomfortable. Do you need to go to the nurses' office?"  
  
"No, Sensei."  
  
Hinako paused for a moment, and then added, "Well, would you go  
for me while I take roll? She's got these yummy lollipops in and I   
really really really want one... Please, Ranma, don't bang your head  
on your desk like that. You could break it and it's not ladylike..."  
  
####  
  
Home Economics. Cooking, cleaning, sewing, washing, keeping  
a household budget. Except for the budget part, Ranma already knew  
how to do it all. Except for the cooking part, Akane was decent  
at these things also.  
  
It was Akane's fourth term straight in Home Ec. Not because  
she had to-- she'd done well enough on the rest of the course to pass  
the previous times-- but because of sheer bloodymindedness.  
She was going to learn to cook SOMETHING besides a salad or a   
sandwich.  
  
Of course, this term her partner was Ranma. Her past partners  
had just smiled and gulped when she went to cooking. Ranma, who had  
to live with the results, had a different agenda. As in, MAKE her   
learn better.  
  
"That's baking soda, not flour."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"That's sesame oil, not corn oil."  
  
"Is there a difference?"  
  
"Oh, yes. No, not peppers. You don't put hot peppers in   
tempura batter..."  
  
"But they look so colorful?"  
  
"Arrgh."  
  
"Let me guess, you really really want to insult me, don't you?"  
A slight sigh.  
  
"You have no idea... look, just match the ingredients to the   
recipe, exactly."  
  
"Oh-- you mean that's important? I sort of thought it was more  
of a suggestion..."  
  
(She can't possibly be serious-- oh, yes she can. This is gonna  
be a LONG term.)  
  
Akane got,for once, a passing 70 on her tempura. Ranma got a 90  
on hers, and would have had a 95, but Akane had passed her the salt  
when she'd asked for sugar...  
  
####  
  
"This boring."  
  
"It's also all your fault."  
  
"For once I agree with Ranma. You don't call the teacher a   
idiotic male waste in class, you know."  
  
"And did you have to drag the rest of us into the argument?  
I mean, honestly, who cares if there were no female emperor's  
in Japanese History anyway?"  
  
"Should have been. Why hold buckets anyway?"  
  
"Ranchan, you explain it this time..."  
  
And Ranma tried to explain bucket duty to Shampoo while Akane  
and Ukyo fumed.  
  
####  
  
"The square root of seven? Tokugawa Ieyeisu? Admiral Perry?  
The Brady Bunch? A dead frog?"  
  
"**sigh** No, Miss Saotome."  
  
"Shampoo think Brady Bunch close?"  
  
A teacher groaned. Like many others.  
  
####  
  
Lunchtime. Sweet release for a short while.  
  
Ranma sat under a tree, sighed, and smoothed her skirt. She   
then opened her new lunch bento (wrapped in what was becoming her   
signature motif-- a large hurosiki (kerchief) decorated with horses)  
and sighed in satisfaction. Nodoka, deciding to be a good mother  
had beaten Akane to making lunch that day.   
  
She looked up to see with some surprise Yuka and Sayuri standing  
there. "Mind if we eat with you, Ranma?" asked Sayuri.  
  
"Um, no, not at all... although you usually eat with Akane,  
right?"  
  
"Well, we saw you alone, and besides, Akane's with Ukyo trying  
to explain a few things to Shampoo about school. We were half   
expecting you to be with Daisuke and Hiroshi, but..."  
  
"They don't feel... comfortable with it. Boys usually hang with  
boys, and girls with girls, and they aren't certain which I am right  
now. (And sometimes I'm not either.) Besides, it looks wrong kinda  
since girls usually only eat with a boy if they're interested  
in them... which I ain't."  
  
The other two nodded. "Oh, what a cute hurosiki! You like   
horses, Ranma-chan?" Yuka enthused.  
  
"I AM a horse, remember?"  
  
Sayuri giggled. "She got you there. Like the socks, too.   
Guess horses are your trademark now, Ranma? That and leather   
shorts."  
  
"I told you, that's only for fights--"  
  
"Just kidding. Hmm... not very kawaii a filling, though..."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Yuka nodded. "You mom may be teaching you how to be a female,  
but she don't know much about being a girl. You should have a cuter  
lunch, really. And the bento box itself is kind of plain..."  
  
"Well, I'm a tomboy after all," Ranma joked. "More concerned  
with the quantity and quality of the food than the looks of it.   
Which reminds me--" and she began to eat in the peculiar high speed  
but ladylike fashion she'd now mastered.  
  
"Why do you eat so fast, Ranma? I've always wondered,"  
asked Yuka.  
  
Ranma paused. "Well, I kinda had to fight Pop for meals most  
of my life, if you don't eat fast around him you don't get a lot of   
food. So it's a habit."  
  
Sayuri gasped. "You had to fight your father for food?"  
  
"Well, he called it training. Of course, he called every stupid  
thing he ever did training. That or an understandable error. Pop's  
got a unique value system."  
  
"I... see."  
  
Ranma ate some more. "Hey, gotta say it's not been as bad as I   
thought it was going to be. Guess the iron test comes when gym class  
starts..."  
  
"Oh, that reminds me, I have some notes people gave me to give  
you," said Sayuri.  
  
"Notes?" Usually the only notes she got were from Ukyo, Akane,  
Daisuke or Hiroshi. These didn't look like any of those-- and   
certainly not though Sayuri as a go-between.  
  
"Hai. People know that we're supposed to be helping you. So,  
are they personal?"  
  
"Not really. Two from girls warning me to behave myself. Two  
from girls asking me why I'm doing this horrible thing-- I think   
they're interested in my guy form. One from a guy asking-- hmm.   
Have to pound the jerk later."  
  
"That was Enzo."  
  
"Good, want to make certain I pound the right guy."  
  
"Why pound him?" asked Yuka.  
  
Ranma passed the note to the girl, who read it and began to grow  
rather pink. "That... that pervert! How can he ask you to take   
notes on the locker room so he can figure out where to bore a hole?"  
  
"Guy OR girl, I'd never do that. I just wish I knew why this  
idiot thought I would. Anyhow, in feminine solidarity or something  
like that I guess I'll have to pound him."  
  
"Pound who, Ranma?" said Akane as she walked up.  
  
A note was explained. For a moment Akane started to get angry  
at her usual target-- i.e. Ranma-- but realized that she'd never do   
that. Besides, it was obvious that Sayuri and Yuka were busy   
suggesting the best places for Ranma to pound the errant Enzo--   
Sayuri suggesting geography, and Yuka body parts. And Ranma was   
nodding and taking notes.  
  
"Ranma, it's your first day at school as a girl, and you   
shouldn't have to stress yourself so soon after-- you know. So I'll  
pound him. I have long experience with pounding perverts, anyhow."  
  
"Naw-- he's not only insulted every girl in school AND been a   
real perv with this, but he's also personally insulted me by thinking  
I'd ever do anything like that. Or that I'm stupid enough not to   
realize he'd be peeping on me also... so it's a matter of personal  
honor. Anyway, I'm finished with lunch so I'll just go talk to him  
about this note..."  
  
A short while later a terrified Enzo was fleeing a rapidly  
closing Ranma. Hinako started towards the pair, coin in hand,   
muttering "delinquents" under her breath when Akane stopped and   
explained Ranma's actions. Hinako's eyes widened. And then she   
shocked most of the student body by yelling, uncharacteristically,  
"Go GET that little weasel, Ranma! You can come late to class if you  
need the time!"  
  
After all, she might have been a chi-draining age-shfiting  
energy vampire-- but she was a girl too.  
  
####  
  
Class resumed. Ranma was slightly mussed from the chase. Enzo  
had a black eye. Most of the girls had learned through the grapevine  
of Enzo's plan and were redefining glare. Well, those that weren't  
looking at Ranma with new respect.  
  
That new respect was manifested as Ranma went, with considerable  
nervousness, to change for gym-- expecting scorn, or mistrust,  
or hot water, or screams, or anything than what she received.  
  
"Oh, Hi, Ranma-chan."  
  
"Hey, thanks for that thing with Enzo. I knew he was a pervert,  
but to ask a girl to do that... disgusting."  
  
"Which clubs are you joining this term, Ranma?"  
  
Acceptance?  
  
They were undressing without staring at her? Without killing  
glares? Without whispers of "pervert" or "freak"?  
  
They were actually treating her like another girl? What the   
HELL was going on?!?  
  
And Akane grinned and said, "Congratulations, Ranma-chan.  
You're in."  
  
Ranma started to change-- a lot more apparently nervous than the  
girls around her-- and shook her head. Sometimes life was just too  
weird.  
  
####  
  
Softball. Oh, she remembered softball very well from her early  
days at Furinkan. As in one delivered at high speed into her face  
once.  
  
But she'd never thought she'd be playing it with a pack of other  
girls. With Shampoo on the other team pitching. Life was weird.  
  
As she swung the bat she realized that Shampoo didn't QUITE   
understand the game yet. The volley of at least a dozen balls flying  
towards her said that. Once again, Shampoo had approached a normal  
Japanese pastime with a unique Amazon slant.  
  
What was to become the first Anything Goes Martial Arts Softball  
game began.  
  
Ranma stared for a second at the barrage of ovoids, and then   
said-- very quickly-- "Tenshin Amaguriken Revised-- Chestnut Roasting  
batting technique!" Her bat became a flurry of motion.  
  
Her team gawked-- and so did the other-- as the various balls  
went flying in all directions. The umpire shrugged, and said, "Well,  
none were fouls..."  
  
As the outfield scrambled to try to catch way too many   
softballs, Ranma began to run the bases. Then she started to dodge  
the many attempt to tag her out.  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke were, as their wont was, watching the girl  
in their tight-fitting bloomers playing. This time, instead of   
casually leering and commenting on how cute this or that one was,   
they were laughing hysterically as Ranma leaped, ducked, and   
basically wove a complex path from base to base, avoiding the many  
attempts to tag her. Being Ranma, it was a home run-- but not the   
simple one that most had expected.  
  
A little later, the teams switched. Akane was pitching.  
As Shampoo came up to bat, the Amazon grimaced at the unfamiliar  
tool.  
  
"Strike one!"  
  
Shampoo growled. Akane smirked.  
  
"Strike Two!"  
  
Shampoo FUMED. Akane smirked LOTS.  
  
As Akane threw her third pitch, Shampoo snorted, tossed the bat  
away, produced one of her bonbori, and swung--  
  
CLANG!  
  
The umpire paused. Then she reached for her rulebook, to see if  
there was any rules about how to call a softball half-embedded  
in the business end of a bonbori. "Um... Srtike Two and a half?"  
  
As both Shampoo and Akane blushed in chagrin, Ranma keeled over  
laughing. Since most of the other girls did the same, she was spared  
Akane's anger.  
  
"Shampoo just have to learn bat, guess. Try again?" the Amazon  
said, picking the bat up.  
  
This time Shampoo connected. The ball sailed straight--  
of course-- for Ranma.  
  
As she prepared to catch it-- easy pop fly, easy out--  
  
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!"  
  
(Aw... CRAP. Why NOW?)  
  
"THIS time, witch, you WILL tell me where my Ranma-sama  
has goog."  
  
Ranma blinked. Goog? Where she'd goog?  
  
And turned around to see the leotard wearing Kodachi standing  
with a mouth full of softball.  
  
As the Black Rose fumed at this most preposterous of   
humiliations, a heated argument began between the two team captains.  
Ranma's captain insisted that the ball had been caught on a pop-fly,  
so Shampoo was out. Shampoo's captain insisted that Kodachi wasn't  
on the team, wasn't in the game, and wasn't even in the school,  
so the ball was live. The umpire was beating her head against a tree  
and saying something about moving to Australia.   
  
Then Shampoo started yelling at Kodachi for getting in the way  
of the game.   
  
Akane started yelling at Shampoo about her aim.   
  
Kodachi tried to yell but her mouth was occupied. By a   
softball.   
  
Ukyo passed by and started yelling that she wanted to know just  
what in hell was going on here.   
  
Kuno appeared, yelling on general principles.   
  
Gosunkugi didn't yell, but he did start taking snapshots  
of Akane.   
  
Various other girls started yelling because, well, everyone  
else was and they didn't want to feel left out.   
  
The only one not yelling was Ranma.  
  
She was just staring. And feeling frustrated.  
  
So she walked up to the tree, gently moved the umpire to one   
side, and punched it to let off a little steam.  
  
The tree screamed in agony.  
  
Everyone froze. And then Kuno screamed, "SAOTOME!"  
  
Yelling degraded to brawling.   
  
Kuno chased the tree-- and yes, it WAS Tsubasa-- around the   
softball diamond.   
  
Ukyo joined Kuno.   
  
Shampoo started to chase Ukyo on general principles, yelling  
that she wanted to know what was going on.   
  
Akane fumed in the middle of the diamond.   
  
Kodachi tried to remove the softball without success.  
  
Ranma just stared, feeling very much that at any moment Rod   
Serling would come out to explain something. Although she doubted  
that the American would be very good at it.  
  
Tsubasa-tree, in his mad dash, stepped on Gosunkugi's foot.   
Said voodoo-priest wannabe yelped in pain and anger, and somehow  
managed to pull four lit candles and a hatamaki out of his pocket,  
tie them on, and started chasing the tree with a small mallet and a   
straw doll with the obvious intent of pounding it in.   
  
By now, everyone who wasn't chasing the tree was yelling at it,  
with the exception of Ranma, who was in a state of mild shock, and   
Akane, who was in a state of extreme fury. She HATED being angry  
when she wasn't sure who to be angry at.  
  
Kodachi, only noticing that the main focus of exertion seemed  
to be a rapidly moving tree, continued to try to remove the softball  
with one hand while whipping out her ribbon with the other and using  
it to grab any convenient object.  
  
The convenient object was Gosunkugi. She launched the spooky  
boy at the tree-- and Gosunkugi, scared out of his wits, landed in   
the branches. He slipped, and desperately tried to hang on with his  
knees. He actually succeeded.  
  
Then he saw his opportunity. He raised his hammer, positioned  
the nail, readied the doll...   
  
WHAMP!  
  
"YYYYEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!"  
  
And a pink-frocked Tsubasa shot straight out of the top of the  
tree like a cork out of a champagne bottle, rubbing his butt the   
whole way.   
  
Four boys raised signs, reading 10, 10, 10, and 6.5 (He was the  
Rumanian judge).   
  
Tex Avery passed by, and nodded, saying "Good hang time on that  
girl."   
  
Kuno stared, and then embraced Gosunkugi, saying that as lowly  
as he was, his noble blow against the sorcerer suggested that the   
pale lad had potential after all.   
  
Gosunkugi was glowing over his victory over what he knew to be a  
dryad.   
  
Kodachi tried to say something but was still eating leather.   
  
Shampoo stared in dull amazement.   
  
Ukyo, laughing, gave Gosunkugi a peck on the cheek and a coupon  
for a week's free okonomiyaki.   
  
Akane went off to find some bricks to break. And Ranma...  
  
Just sat and started shaking in helpless laughter.  
  
####  
  
"How was school, dear?"  
  
"Not so bad, Mom. I can handle a month of this."  
  
"Um... I'm afraid I have bad news. The school principal  
called-- he said that if you started the term as a girl, you'll have  
to finish it as one... and something about pineapples."  
  
"The principal's a Kuno, Mom, and he makes this stuff up."  
  
"Ranma, you will have to respect authority, so we have no-- a   
Kuno?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Anything like that Tatewaki boy?"  
  
Ranma explained Principal Kuno.  
  
"Ah. Never mind, then. You won't have to unless it's a Girl  
Day. Oh, and during gym. I'm afraid that the schedule can't be   
changed... I know that's hard on you, but..."  
  
"Actually, Mom... it might not be..."  
  
####  
  
end part nine 


	12. Girl Days Part 10

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(Guess.)  
  
Part Ten: Stuff. (An interval before serious silliness.)  
  
####  
  
The Tendo household had, since the arrival of Ranma and Genma  
Saotome, tended to run on a fairly simple routine.  
  
Ranma would get up (usually under protest) and spar with his   
father in the courtyard while Akane went for her morning jog. Either  
Ranma or Genma would eventually wind up in the koi pond, upon which  
the other would soon follow. Kasumi would have a kettle of heated  
water ready, and breakfast would begin. During breakfast, Ranma   
would somehow insult Akane-- often inadvertently, usually earning  
a flight to the lower stratosphere or the koi pond again. After the  
usual argument, they would go to school.  
  
Since the Girl Days Training, the routine had altered a bit.  
  
Genma would initiate one of his pointless schemes to reinforce  
Ranma's masculinity. (This morning's plot consisted of barging  
into Ranma's room early in the morning, wearing war paint and a   
feather in his bandanna, beating a drum, and grunting.) Ranma would  
then punt her father into the koi pond, stretch, get dressed, and go  
out for the inevitable morning fight. After returning Genma to the  
pond, she would go in, have breakfast (which was a lot more peaceful  
since Nodoka had impressed on her that young ladies should not insult  
people casually), change for school, make sure her hair bow was on   
straight, and leave-- followed by Akane on the fence, now a lot more  
steady.  
  
As they proceeded to school, Ranma idly said, "I wish I had a   
magical school uniform."  
  
"A what?"  
  
"Well, I mean one that would change when I do. So if I was at   
school on a boy day and get splashed, the uniform would change into  
the right one."  
  
Akane giggled. "What a concept-- a uniform with a Jusenkyo  
Curse."  
  
"Yeah... Very Tragic Story of Furinkan High School Girls Uniform  
that drown in spring fifteen hundred years ago..."  
  
At this, Akane nearly fell off the fence. "Probably with your  
luck it would have three or four other uniforms trying to marry it!"  
  
"Or at least share closet space. Hey, don't laugh so hard,   
you'll--"  
  
Whump.  
  
"You okay, Akane?" Ranma said with concern.  
  
"Yeah... your training's made that easy... I didn't even think  
about breaking my fall," Akane said with some wonder. "I just did."  
  
"That's a major part of the Art... think about tactics, think  
about strategy, think about what you are GOING to do-- but never   
think about DOING it. Just do it."  
  
"Wow..."  
  
"That's why you're up to ten feet in jumping now. You're doing  
well, Student."  
  
"Arigato, Sensei. And we're here at school."  
  
"I hope I can dodge the clubs today..."  
  
Ranma was not talking about an attack from Kodachi, either.  
  
School had been open for a week. And in that week, with the   
somewhat insane speed that Furinkan was so well known for, Ranma had  
somehow attracted not one, not two, but four entirely different  
fan clubs.  
  
The Ranma-chan Preservation Society was composed of a group of   
girls that not only liked, but actually idolized the "new" Ranma.  
They spent a lot of time and effort wishing they could be as strong  
and skilled as her, trying to figure out ways to convince her to stay  
a girl full time, and reading texts on martial arts. Some had even  
joined local dojos. (There was much disappointment when it was   
learned that the Tendo Dojo wasn't taking students at the time.)  
  
The Ranma-kun Restoration Alliance was dedicated to trying to   
convince Ranma to stay a BOY as much as possible, even with the   
training. They wanted the cutest guy in school back, even if they  
knew they couldn't have him, just so they could look at him and sigh  
deeply (a popular sport amongst many Furinkan girls the previous  
term).  
  
The Ranma Fan Club was composed of a group of boys that hadn't  
got it into their somewhat limited intellects that there was no WAY  
that Ranma was going to go out with them, despite her present gender  
and mode of dress. It should be noticed that most of these boys   
couldn't get a date with a dead raccoon, but they seemed to think  
that Ranma would be different.  
  
And then there was the really strange one-- a small, and   
secretive club, and the only one that Ranma approved of. The   
Helpers.  
  
This organization consisted of Akane, Ukyo, Shampoo, Sayuri,  
Yuka, Hiroshi, and Daisuke. Their main job was rumor control and   
trying to keep the other three clubs from driving Ranma insane.   
  
Akane was, by unspoken consent, the closest thing to a leader  
there.   
  
Ukyo and Shampoo defused the Ranma-kun faction's attempts  
to splash the trainee girl with hot water (everyone knew that wasn't  
working right now, but there was always hope) or the Ranma-chan  
faction's attempts to try to get Ranma interested in the latest issue  
of Nakayoshi or the latest trends in male idol singers.  
  
The other four handled Rumor control, and were driving Nabiki  
insane since people were going to THEM for free information  
that was accurate and complete instead of paying her.   
  
Then again, she was making money in other ways. The tapes of   
the fight against Big Pocky were still selling well, the Girl Days  
pamphlets were in their third printing, and although she had yet to   
get any photos of Ranma in her more feminine nightwear, photos of her  
in her workout clothes sold well to Kuno and the Idiots (her personal  
name for the Ranma Fan Club).  
  
There was also a fair sized club devoted to Shampoo. This one  
was severely annoying, although not to Ranma.  
  
Somehow, they had gotten a somewhat distorted version of certain  
Amazon customs. The result was what Akane referred to as Justified  
Deja Vu.  
  
In other words, every morning Shampoo had to fight off about  
thirty losers who were attacking her with the intention of getting  
a date. She was NOT a happy Amazon. Her only comfort was that the  
stupid stick-boy wasn't with them.  
  
As Shampoo entered the classroom-- early-- Akane smirked a bit.  
Shampoo glared at the girl.  
  
"Not fair. Shampoo no allowed to kill stupid boys. Only bash."  
  
"Well, if I could handle the matter, so can you."  
  
"Handling problem. Shampoo no want to handle stupid boys, they  
want hand--"  
  
"Ranchan, is it fair to laugh like that?"  
  
"Maybe not, but... bwah-hahahahaha!"  
  
Proper ladies don't roll on the floor in their nice clean   
uniforms laughing their butts off and kicking their legs in the air  
in sheer hilarity. Ranma was VERY glad that she wasn't a proper  
lady, but a tomboy in training.  
  
Three pairs of eyes rolled.  
  
"G...gomen... I'll be good," Ranma said, dragging herself to her  
desk and trying to stifle her laughter. At that point Hinako-sensei  
entered, and people got very sober very quick.   
  
Class began...  
  
####  
  
At lunch, Ranma prepared for the Assault of the Clubs.   
  
She carefully eyed the two most consistent problems-- Kimiko,  
who was of the Ranma-chan faction, and would try to corner her and   
ask if she thought this boy or that boy was cute and the like, and   
Michiko, who was of the Ranma-kun faction and would try to be SO   
sympathetic over what HAD to be such a TERRIBLE time for her. The   
third faction, the Idiots, weren't at all predictable as to who she'd  
have to thump today.  
  
(Honestly,) she thought, (Those two are INSANE. Kimiko wants  
me to become a girl 100%, and Michiko wants to get me into pants   
weither I want to be in them or not. And they both ALWAYS arrive  
at the same time-- yup, here they are.)  
  
"Ranma-chan! There's a sale at the White Dove today!"  
  
"Ranma-kun! I have a copy of an article on Kung-fu you might  
want to read!"  
  
The two club leaders stopped, and started to glare at each   
other.  
  
"I'm certain that she is interested in your article,   
Michiko-san, but she should know about the sale. There's a dress  
there that I saw the other day that I KNOW she'd love."  
  
"I suspect, Kimiko-san, that HE has quite enough dresses--  
doubtless more than HE likes, and would be far more interested  
in the MANLY arts..."  
  
And as she had for the last three days, Ranma nodded, said   
"Well... I'll see you both at gym, ne?" and simply walked away to   
where SHE ate lunch-- with the Helpers. The two, as usual, didn't  
even notice, now locked into their verbal battle of witlessness.  
  
It had become simply sensible for the Helpers and Ranma to eat  
lunch together. Partly because they understood-- mostly-- what was  
really going on, partly because in numbers there is strength,  
and mostly because they were all hungry and liked to share lunches.  
  
"Ohayo! So, what's the things today?"  
  
Shampoo passed Akane some ramen while Ukyo tossed an okonomiyaki  
to Daisuke. "Same old, same old," said Ukyo. "Nabiki's got good   
odds on that Enzo clown asking you out today."  
  
"Errgh. Damn, that twerp makes KUNO look good."  
  
As Ranma opened her bento, it was supplemented with ramen,   
okonomiyaki, and curry. Between Ranma's help in home economics  
and a lot of practice under guard by Kasumi, Akane's curry had   
improved to the point where it was not only edible, but actually  
verging on decent-- when hot.  
  
But cold-- it was GOOD. Somehow, Akane was the only person  
that Ranma could think of who made a curry that was passable fresh  
but good as a leftover. She hoped that didn't mean she'd wind up in  
the future living entirely on cold curry.  
  
She had to be watched cooking anything else though-- she still  
tended to improvise. Cherries and chocolate go well together--  
but not in a Teriyaki sauce.  
  
Ranma spent a few minutes erasing her hunger pangs, and then   
looked up. "Great food, arigato. Hey, Akane, the curry's better  
than usual. You're improving."  
  
Akane grinned. "Well... Shampoo made the curry. I made the   
rice."  
  
Ranma blinked.  
  
Ate.  
  
And said in wonder, "You... you made good rice? Akane, I... I   
don't know what to say... this is great!"  
  
Akane for a moment wavered between being angry at the idea that  
it would be surprising that she could make good rice and being happy  
that Ranma was pleased with it. Then she remembered the rice she'd  
tried to make the week before. It had been... not rice-like.  
Even she'd had to admit that when her father used it to patch a hole  
in the dojo wall.  
  
So she decided to be pleased. And smiled as Ranma began her new  
feminine but very very fast indeed method of eating.  
  
All present knew that Ranma wouldn't talk for a while... food  
was important to her.   
  
Just as water is important to fish.  
  
"I'm still a little nervous, Ranma... please don't hit me, but  
you are so cute. There. I said it. NOW you can hit me," Daisuke  
said after a bit.  
  
"That's OK, Dai. I'm flattered, actually. Getting used to   
being a girl, I guess. And no, I won't go out with you."  
  
Daisuke pouted while Hiroshi sniggered.  
  
"Shampoo hate to say it... but Ranma make pretty good girl after  
all."  
  
"Gotta agree, Sham-chan, Ranchan's beating us all out in the   
kawaii competition... especially when she turns it on."  
  
"I'm beginning to think Mom's right, you know," Ranma said,   
quietly.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Akane.  
  
"That I am both a man and a woman. That I'm both. And that   
it's not so bad to be both. I... I kinda like dressing pretty   
sometimes, and I kinda like it that if I gotta be a girl I'm a GOOD  
looking girl, and... well, I guess maybe I AM both a boy and a girl,  
sort of."  
  
"Does that mean you'll go out with me?" asked the clueless  
Daisuke.  
  
"Naw. I'm a lesbian."  
  
Facefaults abounded.  
  
Ukyo stared. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, when I'm a boy, I like girls. And when I'm a girl, I   
still like girls. So, I'm a heterosexual lesbian. That's what   
Cologne calls it."  
  
There was a pause as the group tried to figure out the rather  
remarkable implications of someone being a heterosexual lesbian.  
  
"Ranchan, you DO realize that's a contradiction in terms,   
right?"  
  
"Not for me."  
  
"Um... meaning?"  
  
"Meaning that I could live with it, if I had to."  
  
"Live with what?"  
  
"It."  
  
"It being?"  
  
"Just... it."  
  
Pause again.  
  
"That's... scary, Ranma-chan," Sayuki said.  
  
"Yeah... makes my head hurt," added Yuka.  
  
"Damn, Ranma, that's a WIERD concept," continued Hiroshi.  
  
"Well, it's a weird concept for anyone who isn't cursed to   
change from male to female at a common and often unavoidable  
trigger," mused Ukyo. "I think I know what she means-- I've lived  
most of my life as a boy, but I never had any attraction to girls.  
I'd probably be like her if I fell into the Nannichuan...  
a straight gay, so to speak."  
  
"My head hurts more," complained Yuka.  
  
Ranma ate while the rest of the group started thrashing out the  
complexities of being straight and gay at the same time.  
  
Then she ate more. She was, after all, Ranma... and Ukyo was   
cooking, Shampoo had plenty of extra ramen, and Akane had done well  
on the rice. Besides, her head hurt too.  
  
####  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke again stared at the girls athletic practice.  
Today it was volleyball. Volleyball with a slightly weird twist.  
  
Once again, Shampoo found herself opposing Ranma. Since Shampoo  
DID know volleyball, (It was quite popular in the Jokusetzu village)  
the game followed the usual rules-- five girls on a side, playing  
the normal game.  
  
Well, four girls on each side were playing a normal game. When  
the ball got to Ranma or Shampoo the game moved an average of fifteen  
feet higher. Both were VERY fond of aerial spikes.  
  
It wasn't as daft as the infamous Anything Goes Softball game,  
but it was unusual.  
  
After a while, the game finished (this time Shampoo's team won)  
and Ranma walked over. "Whew... never knew girls gym could be such  
a workout."  
  
"Most girls don't play volleyball by jumping higher than the   
net, Ranma. MAN, that's fascinating to watch," replied Hiroshi.  
  
Daisuke hadn't said anything. Hiroshi turned to his friend  
and stared at the frozen boy, who had a thin trickle of blood seeping  
from his nose.  
  
"Dai? Wake UP, Dai..."  
  
And in a dazed voice, Daisuke said, "Shampoo jump high. See   
under t-shirt. Shampoo no wear bra."  
  
Ranma sighed. "I keep telling her a sportsbra is a good idea,  
but will she listen? No, not HER, Amazons don't wear bras. Scary  
when I'm more feminine than she is."  
  
Daisuke just sat and drooled.  
  
"Bet's that he joins the Shampoo fan club?" asked Hiroshi.  
  
"Nabiki wouldn't touch that one with a blank check," smirked  
Ranma.  
  
"Neither would I."  
  
Daisuke mumbled something incoherent.  
  
####  
  
School ended, as it usually did. After a short delay caused  
by the need to pound Kuno, Akane and Ranma headed home. As they   
fencewalked, Akane was thinking.  
  
"Hmm... I wonder if Cologne knows anything about transforming  
clothes?"  
  
"Yeah, right. THAT'S real probable," Ranma replied.   
  
"Well, you have Amazon training this afternoon, right? You can  
ask her. Who knows, she's come up with stranger things before."  
  
At the Nekohanten, while practicing certain basic herbal blends,  
Ranma mentioned the joke to Cologne.  
  
"Oh, certainly there are, Ranma."  
  
Ranma dropped her Liver Root (good for cuts and bruises) and   
stared. "What? There IS such a thing?"  
  
"There was, once. A powerful warlord, centuries ago, fell   
victim to the Nyannichuan. He was the type who preferred males,  
and thus found his curse to be... amusing. He had a wizard make a   
magical bracelet that caused his clothing to be exchanged when the   
curse was triggered. The histories of the Jokuzetsu say that he   
preferred the usual warlord style of garb when male, but liked   
very... revealing outfits when female. Often she would choose to   
seduce rather than attack an opponent... she became VERY powerful  
indeed."  
  
"What happened to her? Him? Aw, YOU know what I mean."  
  
"Killed in battle against sixty-three jealous wives. Mighty  
warlord, but something of a slut."  
  
"Ah. Wonder if that thing still exists?"  
  
"I have no idea... and I don't know how to make one either.  
A pity, it WOULD be useful, wouldn't it?"  
  
"You said it... Now, how do I grind this root again?"  
  
####  
  
"Genma, there's no point in sulking," Nodoka scowled.  
  
The panda sat playing listlessly with a tire. DAMNED if he was  
going to respond. Stupid woman, making his son a daughter.  
  
"You're just being immature, you know."  
  
Genma's only response was to bat the tire and gnaw on some   
bamboo.  
  
"And that stunt this morning with the drum was ludicrous."  
  
Sulking continued.  
  
Nodoka sighed, and entered the house. A little later Ranma   
entered, wearing her Amazon pantsuit, and went upstairs to change.   
  
Akane followed carrying bowls of Nekohanten takeout. "Auntie,  
do you want these in the kitchen?"  
  
"No, Akane-chan. On the table is fine. Ranma will be down   
shortly."  
  
"Alright. Oi, Nabiki-- pay up."  
  
The Middle Tendo grimaced. She pulled out a wad of yen, and   
grumbled something about Akane getting too good at guessing the Idiot  
of the day.   
  
"Hey, I figure that Enzo was a certain thing," smiled Akane.  
  
"After the pounding Ranma gave him last week?"  
  
"Well, I guess there's one thing I know about Enzo that you   
didn't."  
  
"What can THAT be?" wondered Nabiki, who wasn't used to not   
knowing ANYTHING.  
  
"He's a bigger moron than Kuno when it comes to women."  
  
"Got THAT right, Akane," added Ranma, coming downstairs  
in a blouse and slacks. "I honestly think he'd try to date anything  
female and on two legs. And the two legs part is probably optional."  
  
"Blast. I never paid any attention to him, he wasn't ever   
important before," fumed Nabiki. "I must be slipping."  
  
"Well, I guess even you can have a bad day."  
  
"It seems so, Ranma. But I'm not used to it..."  
  
"Akane won the pool, eh?"  
  
Akane gleefully displayed the 15,000 yen. "Yep! And I'm going  
to get a really nice dress out of this, too!"  
  
Nabiki grumbled some more. She'd come out ahead-- of course--  
but somehow paying off wagers to her sister ate at her.  
  
"So, who's for ramen?" asked Akane.  
  
"Me," replied Ranma curtly. "Cologne makes that training  
tough. Nice of her to make the snacks for us."  
  
"Aren't you afraid you'll spoil your dinner?" asked Nabiki.  
  
Akane stared at her in confusion.  
  
"Oh, right... it's Ranma."  
  
Ranma, meanwhile, was already happily slurping the ramen. "I   
think I'll relax after this for a bit. Maybe sun a while."  
  
"Ranma, you have gotten into sunbathing WAY to much," Akane   
teased.  
  
"Hey, I can't explain it, but I really really like the way the  
sun feels on this body."  
  
"Along with see-through blue nighties, Ranma-chan?" grinned  
Nabiki.  
  
"Well... the fabric, yeah. Can't deny it. When I'm a girl   
things just tend to feel, well, better. Some things anyhow. Then  
again, I don't have quite the threshold for pain that I do when I'm  
a boy. It's a funny thing, really."  
  
Nodoka chose that moment to enter from the kitchen. "Ranma,  
you're going to spoil your appetite for dinn-- no, never mind." She  
shook her head. "I can't understand why you never seem to have any  
concerns about your figure, the way you eat..."  
  
"I get LOTS of exercise, Mom."  
  
"I suppose that's true. Well, then... is there any left?"  
  
Ranma passed a bowl to her mother, giggling. "It's just a snack  
anyhow."  
  
"To YOU it's a snack. To anyone else it's a meal."  
  
The four set to simple eating for a while then...  
  
####  
  
Ranma LOVED the sun now that she'd allowed herself to get used  
to it. In fact, at times, she almost felt like purring over the way  
the warm light washed over her body.  
  
She wondered why she'd never noticed how things felt so   
different when she'd been under the influence of the Cat's-tongue  
pressure point or the Chiisuton incident. (Herb no baka.) Maybe  
it was because those times she'd been doing her level best to hang  
on to her masculinity and this time she was trying to be a girl. Or  
maybe it was because she was just way too pissed then.  
  
Whatever, she was finding that to some extent she was enjoying  
being a girl. Not that she didn't miss being a boy-- she DID-- but  
this wasn't so bad. And there was no doubt that some things were a   
lot more fun as a girl.   
  
As she applied some extra sunblock to her thighs, she was   
unpleasantly reminded that there were also some things that were NOT  
more fun as a girl.  
  
"My pony-tailed-- no, my fire haired-- no, my-- you know,   
'twould be kind of you to stick to a single hairstyle, my love, that  
I might sing your praises better."  
  
Ranma sighed. "Kuno. What do you want?"  
  
"Would that I could dally longer, but I must be going swiftly.  
I have come merely to tender invitations to you and the Tendo's  
to a small celebration at my manor this weekend, in honor of a   
wonderful event."  
  
"And that would be?"  
  
"My father has broken his ankle and will be away from the school  
for a week or more."  
  
"Hmmm... Gotta give it to you there. I'll see that the Tendo's  
get theirs."  
  
"My thanks, beauteous one. Ah... and that particular garment  
suits you well, as the tigress I know you to be."  
  
As Kuno left-- for once under his own power-- Ranma sighed.  
She personally didn't think this tiger-striped bikini was really  
her, but she'd bought it, so she'd wear it... once in a while.  
  
####  
  
"You have to be KIDDING, Nabiki. No WAY are we going to a   
costume party at Kuno's!"  
  
"What Ranma said! NEITHER of us want to have anything to do   
with either of them normally-- and you want us to accept this   
invitation?"  
  
Nabiki thought very very fast. "Well, I suppose if neither  
of you are interested..."  
  
"You KNOW we ain't!"  
  
"Although Kuno does put out a very good spread..."  
  
"Don't care," said Ranma. "He's a jerk, his sister's a jerk,  
almost everyone in that house is a jerk. I ain't going to no jerks  
house for a costume party. Besides, I ain't got a costume anyhow."  
  
"Same here, Nabiki. Kuno's picture is in the dictionary  
next to the word baka. I for one don't fell like being harassed  
by him or his sister."  
  
Nabiki realised that the two girls were truly adamant. She   
resorted to something she rarely used. The absolute and unpaid for  
truth.  
  
"Look... Morons the whole family might be, but influential  
morons. A lot of people from school are going to be there, but also  
some very important businessmen. I can really use the contacts.  
So, please?"  
  
"No." Akane glowered.  
  
"No WAY." Ranma looked disgusted. "Besides, you're invited  
too, so you don't need us."  
  
"I...I'll..."  
  
"You'll what?" asked Ranma.  
  
"I'll... pay you."  
  
The two blinked. Audibly.  
  
"I'll pay you each two thousand yen to go."  
  
Akane and Ranma looked doubtful.  
  
"Three thousand! Please, I NEED the contacts, and I need you   
two to run interference with the loons that will show up!"  
  
Akane and Ranma conferred. Then--  
  
"Four thousand plus a new swimsuit for Akane and a new Gundam  
CD for me," Ranma said.  
  
Nabiki, once again, sighed internally at how smart Ranma seemed  
to have gotten since Girl Days. She'd always held that women were  
smarter than men, but she'd never expected that to apply to Ranma.  
  
"Deal. But you both better have GOOD costumes."  
  
"We can deal with that."  
  
####  
  
"Shampoo was invited as well. And before you ask, Ranma, I have  
suggested that she not go as a cat."  
  
"Arigato," Ranma said in genuine gratitude. "I was wondering  
if you had any ideas for a good costume? Akane says she's got a   
perfect one for her, but I'm still stuck."  
  
"I'm sorry, Ranma. But I can't-- excuse me."  
  
Cologne went to the back and started yelling at Mousse. Ranma  
shrugged, and returned to the complex Amazon kata that she was   
training in. Well, the kata wasn't that complex, actually. Doing  
it with two bonbori, one mallet, and a cheese sandwich was. (Ranma  
had yet to understand the purpose of the cheese sandwich.)  
  
"Ranma, come back here, would you?" Cologne called.  
  
Shrugging and replacing her weapons (and the sandwich) in her   
sleeves, Ranma wet back to see Mousse tapping buttons on a videogame  
machine. The blind boy for once was wearing his glasses and grinning  
madly as Ranma heard sounds of gunfire and dying animals.  
  
"Does that hairdo remind you of anyone, Ranma?" asked Cologne  
with a broad smile.  
  
Ranma blinked. And began to giggle. "Oh, yeah. It sure does.  
I think I got my costume idea..."  
  
####  
  
Akane smiled. Took her a while-- she wasn't the best   
seamstress-- but this costume looked perfect. She wondered what   
Ranma was going to wear. Idly she twirled in front of her mirror,  
grinning. Ranma was right. She DID have nice legs.  
  
####   
  
Ukyo smiled. Costume party at Kuno's. Well, whe wouldn't  
have gone, until she heard that Ranchan would be there. And Akane.  
And apparently Shampoo. And of course Kodachi.  
  
She hitched the top of the costume a bit and smiled. Thank   
heaven for wierd gaijin TV shows. THIS was going to catch Ranchan's  
eye for sure.  
  
####  
  
Shampoo waited eagerly for the day that Ranma would be a boy   
again. But until then she felt it her duty to make certain that she  
knew what Shampoo had to offer.  
  
And in this outfit, there would be no doubt that she had a lot  
to offer indeed.  
  
####  
  
And lest it be forgotten, others were coming. Not all invited.  
Of course.  
  
Ingredients list, anyone?  
  
####  
  
End part ten  
  
####  
  
And BOY, is part eleven going to be a hoot! ^_^   
  
This part was mostly filler space to set up some sheer chaos  
and to allow Ranma to relax a bit. Poor girl needs her beauty sleep.  



	13. Girl Dyas part 11

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(And the crowd rejoiced at the disclaimer space.)  
  
Part Eleven: Party!  
  
####  
  
There were aspects to Ranma Saotome's life that could be   
considered unusual.  
  
He turned into a girl with cold water, he had at least three  
fiancees, he was regularly attacked by superpowered martial artists,  
his father turned into a panda, he was the only known master of the  
Neko-ken, and at the moment was wearing a dress. That he-- or rather  
she-- had bought for herself.  
  
Okay, damn near EVERY aspect to Ranma's life was unusual.  
  
For example, Ranma and Akane were arguing.  
  
This in itself wasn't unusual. The subject matter, however,  
was.  
  
"Akane, I don't care how much better you're getting in the Art,  
you won't look right in my leathers, and that's not just because  
they won't fit you!"  
  
"Well, if YOU can dress like a tough girl, I can too! So I'll  
just get some of my own! Daddy, will you STOP that?"  
  
Soun was-- predictably-- bawling his eyes out. "WAHHHHHHH!  
My little girl wants to be her husband!"  
  
"I do NOT! I just want to prove to Miss Macho here that I can  
be as tough as she can!"  
  
Ranma sighed. "Look, I just don't think it's your style.   
You're, well, more feminine than I am by nature," she said, resisting  
the urge to add, (Not by very damn much, though!) "You should wear,  
if challenged, something more, well, you."  
  
"Like what?" Akane growled.  
  
"Well... actually... I kinda thought about that already. So, I   
got you something..."  
  
"You... you did?"  
  
"Well, yeah. I mean, you're my student, and that means you're  
going to be challenged eventually, and well, I don't want my student  
looking bad, right? So I just got you something..."  
  
"Ran-- I mean, Sensei, that's... an honor." She'd wanted to   
call it sweet. Or nice. But at the moment, she realized that that  
might not be the best thing to say.  
  
"It's nothing. Well, not nothing, but... aw, it's in my room.  
Come on, let's see how it looks on you."  
  
The two went upstairs. Soun started to calm down-- a bit--   
reducing the usual floodgates to a mere trickle.  
  
Kasumi came in, carrying a tea set and cookies. She'd heard  
the discussion and suspected that they might be needed.  
  
And as Akane came down practically glowing-- she gasped.   
"Akane, is... is that proper?"  
  
"Sensei says it works on me," Akane retorted.  
  
And it did. Akane was wearing a sort of severely modified  
version of one of Ranma's Chinese outfits. A yellow cheongsam-like  
tunic-- fitting just as closely but slit up both sides, and only   
reaching to the knee-- without sleeves over a pair of black tights.  
The red sash at the waist added just the right accent. Of course,  
a normal cheongsam doesn't have a v-neck that exposed a, well,   
distracting amount of cleavage. Add to that a pair of Ranma's   
bracers and a yellow sash around her head and Akane was, quite   
frankly, looking both more dangerous and more sexy than she'd ever  
had.  
  
Ranma followed, in her leathers. "Ready to test the uniform,  
student? Well, maybe after a cup of tea first."  
  
"Hai, Sensei! Do I really look good?"  
  
"I can say you've never looked better, Akane. In... in more   
than one way." Ranma had expected the outfit to be effective,  
but even she hadn't expected it to be as effective as it was. Female  
she might be at the moment, but it was a definite male eye that was  
appraising the girl.  
  
(Okay. NOW she's sexy...) she thought.   
  
After tea and a short rest to allow Akane to get used to the   
rather close fit of her new uniform, the two repaired to the dojo   
proper to do some light sparring. Nothing like the heavy training  
that Ranma had been giving Akane recently-- well, Akane thought  
of it as heavy, although she knew well that Ranma was holding back--  
but more like airborne kata.  
  
"Ack."  
  
The two stopped to see Ryoga staring in a now familiar fashion.  
Ryoga hadn't been at the fight that had introduced the ward to   
Ranma's leathers, and since Akane had never worn her new uniform  
until today, he certainly hadn't seen that either. Akane looked  
like a somewhat modest Mai Shiranui from the Fatal Fury videos,  
and Ranma looked like-- well, Ranma in skimpy and tight black   
leather.  
  
The results were a nosebleed. For once, Ryoga didn't pass out,  
although there's no telling what would have happened if they had been  
sparring in bikinis.  
  
"A--Akane. What are you doing in Chicago?"  
  
"CHICAGO?!?" blurted Ranma. "This is NERIMA! How can you get  
the idea you're in CHICAGO?"  
  
"I'm not?" Ryoga said with some disappointment. "Darn. That's  
where I was headed. They have the greatest hot dogs in Chicago."  
  
"How would you get there, anyhow?" asked Akane.  
  
"Walking."  
  
"How can ANYONE walk to Chicago?" demanded Ranma, unbelieving.  
  
"Well, I've done it before. It's just outside of Osaka, after  
all... isn't it?"  
  
"I do not believe you," said Ranma, shaking her head. Akane,  
dumfounded, just gazed. And went to check the family atlas on the   
off chance that there was a Chicago outside of Osaka.  
  
Oddly enough, there was. The mystery would continue...  
  
####  
  
Somehow it didn't seem to be a shock that Kasumi knew how to   
make a Chicago style hot dog, had the materials to do so, and was   
able to whip a couple up for the half-starved Lost Boy in less than  
fifteen minutes. It should have been, but it wasn't.  
  
Ryoga ate slowly, looking at Akane. Mainly because he couldn't  
bring himself to look at Ranma. Every time he thought he'd gotten  
used to the training that the redhead had been undergoing, something  
like this would happen. It wasn't good for his nerves. Or, for that  
matter, his blood pressure.  
  
Then again, the snug and revealing outfit Akane had on wasn't  
helping a lot either. Ryoga began to take an intense interest  
in the caraway seeds that were mixed into the sauerkraut on his hot  
dog.  
  
"Ah... why are you guys dressed like that anyhow?" he inquired.  
  
"Fighting uniforms. They're meant to distract the opponents,"  
Ranma replied.  
  
Ryoga thought about that. His nose began to ache. "I... I'd   
say they'll work."  
  
"Thank you, Ryoga," said Akane, feeling really flattered.  
She sat up a bit straighter, which caused the tunic to tighten a   
little bit, and Ryoga to almost choke on his hot dog.  
  
(Ranma couldn't have planned this to embarrass me. Could she?)  
He looked suspiciously at the girl in question, and almost choked  
again. Ranma had chosen that moment to stretch-- arms above the   
head, back arched, head back-- innocently, of course. She had just  
come from sparring, after all.  
  
Ranma didn't know that that was also one of the classic   
sexy-as-hell poses that swimwear and lingerie models had been using  
for years.  
  
Ryoga urked. It might not have been intentional, but it was   
disturbing. Also inflammatory. "Will you STOP that?"  
  
"Stop what?" asked Ranma, in genuine confusion.  
  
"Stop LOOKING like that!"  
  
"I can't help how I look!"  
  
"You're doing it just to bother me!"  
  
"Doing WHAT?"  
  
"Ryoga, what are you talking about?" asked a confused Akane.  
She couldn't see anything that Ranma had been doing this time. "She  
hasn't teased you or called you P-chan or anything."  
  
"You feeling all right, buddy?" asked Ranma. She was wondering  
if the lost boy had finally flipped.  
  
"I'm going to feel fine when you stop doing that!"  
  
"Doing WHAT?"  
  
"THAT!"  
  
"I am not going to continue a loony argument like this," Ranma  
sniffed. She stood up, bent over to get her teacup, and accidentally  
shot Ryoga a very good look at her cleavage. (Honest, it was an   
accident!)  
  
Ryoga angry glare suddenly glazed over. Then he slowly toppled  
over.  
  
"What's wrong with Ryoga?" asked Akane in sudden concern.  
  
"I have NO idea, I never could figure him out, and I'm NOT about  
to try," retorted a miffed and confused Ranma. She went upstairs  
to change into something more normal while Akane tried to see Ryoga  
had a fever. He didn't, but he did have another nosebleed...  
  
####  
  
"So, you have your costume for Saturday?" asked Ranma on the   
way to school.  
  
"Hai. And I'm really pleased with it too... I put a lot of work  
into it. How about you?"  
  
"Well, mine wasn't really that hard to make... but yeah, I got  
it ready. Looks to be pretty decent." Ranma tossed her head, to get  
a few strands of hair out of her face. It was a breezy day. "The  
hard part was finding the accessories."  
  
"Oh? What are you going as?"  
  
"That's a secret. You?"  
  
Akane smirked. "The same. You'll see Saturday night."  
  
"Hmm... well, we're about there-- down from the fence, rapid  
dash to the locker room, and to class on my mark-- now!"  
  
One useful thing about the walk to school early on the fence  
while wearing bloomers underneath the uniforms to get to the gym on   
time was that there was less Kuno trouble. Today was an exception.  
The true heir to the art of being a near total idiot was waiting  
that morning. With a novel new approach.  
  
"Fairest of women, oft have I granted you both roses as tokens  
of my regard. Oft have you refused them, nay, even scorned them.  
But at last have I, Tatewake Kuno, finally understood the reasons  
for your rejections of my tokens of affection."  
  
"You figured out that we both consider you an incredibly  
annoying twerp?" sneered Ranma.  
  
"Nay, for that is impossible."  
  
"For once, he's right. He'll NEVER figure it out," noted Akane.  
  
"It is obvious that my error was in choice of flora. Doubtless  
you desire other, more exotic blooms! Sasuke-- the blossoms for the  
blossoms of my heart!"  
  
"Huh?" chorused the two.  
  
And then they found themselves swamped by bouquets of lilies,  
pansies, daffodils, orchids, daisies, forget-me-nots, honeysuckles,  
chrysanthemums, and even a few wildflowers. Ranma and Akane found  
themselves looking very much as though someone had grabbed a   
florist's shop-- the whole thing-- and shaken it over their heads.  
  
For a moment there was no movement from beneath the mound of   
flowers. Then a red-maned head poked it's way out from between  
some ladies-breath and some foxgloves. "Kuno. No. Baka."  
  
And one supposes that we all know what goes here.  
  
####  
  
"I really really HATE that moron," fumed Ranma carrying her   
traditional buckets. "Making us late with a stunt like that..."  
  
"Oooh, you and me both," added Akane, also holding the hated  
instruments of punishment.  
  
"Shampoo want know if she can borrow stupid stick boy when is   
time for Ranma to pummel him after school?" asked the Amazon   
schoolgirl. Who was also in the hall, bucket wielding, for the sin  
of tardiness.  
  
"Why?" wondered Ranma.   
  
"Shampoo wake up late but would have been on time. Stick boy   
leave mountain of flowers on path, Shampoo's bicycle no slow down in  
time. Crash because of stupid flowers."  
  
"I oughtta sell the jerk to the Amazons as kitchen help,"   
growled Ranma.  
  
"Ranma take lessons from mercenary girl?" smiled Shampoo.  
  
"Huh? What'cha mean?"  
  
"Ranma get paid selling stick-boy. Then Ranma get paid again,  
take stick-boy back."  
  
Ranma and Akane both chuckled at the thought.  
  
"What I don't understand is why Kuno isn't out here with buckets  
too. HE was late also," sighed Akane.  
  
"Look out the window."  
  
Akane followed Ranma's direction-- and giggled to see Kuno with  
a rake and broom cleaning up vast quantities of flowers. "Guess  
that's fair enough."  
  
####  
  
Lunchtime arrived. As the now usual gang began to open bentos  
(with the exception of the one grilling), Ranma arrived, glowering.  
  
"Enzo again?" asked Sayuri.  
  
"You know it. Damn, Kuno may be a jerk, but at least he tries  
in some way to be romantic. Enzo just... Arrgh."  
  
"What did he do this time?"  
  
"The usual. THIS time it included a love hotel, seventeen  
gallons of mayonnaise, and a walrus. Oh, and he wanted me to wear  
Mickey Mouse ears. The code won't let me really hurt him... but I'm  
not sure he's going to survive."  
  
Akane gasped. "Ranma, you didn't--"  
  
"Naw, of course not. But guess who overheard his proposition?"  
  
"Who?" asked more than a few Helpers.  
  
Then they saw a terrified Enzo fleeing from a screaming Kuno.  
  
"You know, for giving me a break from pounding him, I'd almost  
go on a date with the moron. Well, maybe I'll let him buy me a cup  
of tea." Ranma thought. "Naw."  
  
"Enzo hit on Shampoo also. What chocolate sauce and iguana  
skin boots have to do with dating?"  
  
As Yuka and Sayuri explained Enzo, the high school's biggest  
pervert, to Shampoo, Ranma began to eat. Anger or no anger, food was  
food.  
  
Shampoo listened for a moment, uncomprehending, and then   
suddenly flushed a brilliant red. "Shampoo skip lunch, go ahead eat  
hers. HEY, STICK-BOY! SHAMPOO HELP!"  
  
"I guess I'll be nice and not pummel him after school after all,  
just dodge him. That's enough of a thank you... hey, good ramen."  
  
As the Amazon joined in the chase after the terrified Enzo,   
Ranma snickered. And then ate. Lunchtime as usual, really, at   
Furinkan.  
  
####  
  
"So, you guys have costumes ready for the party Saturday?"  
asked Ranma after class.  
  
"Yup. And mine's going to knock your socks off, Ranchan,"  
replied Ukyo. "I put a lot of work into it."  
  
"Shampoo have good costume too. Bet no-one expect it."   
  
"Well, we'll see when we get to the party. And I'm really proud  
of mine," said Akane.  
  
Ranma just smirked. Hers wasn't a slouch by any means...  
  
####  
  
"Bwee."  
  
P-chan was not happy. As Ryoga, he'd planned to go to the party  
if he could find a costume.  
  
Cold water wasn't what he'd intended for a costume.  
  
Akane came by, grinning. Her costume was perfect-- and Ranma  
would have to admit that. Then she saw-- well, guess what happened  
next?  
  
"Oh, P-chan, THERE you are. I wish I could take you to the   
party tonight... Hmm... P-chan, would you like to help me with my   
costume?"  
  
The little pig nodded. Although at the moment he couldn't  
see HOW he could.  
  
In a few minutes, he did. To his eternal mortification.  
  
After a while, Akane came out, and displayed herself to Ranma.  
Who began to freak out.  
  
"c-c-c-c-c--"  
  
"No, it's P-chan! Look-- see? Not a cat! P-chan!"  
  
Ranma peered, and relaxed. "You-- you're right. Not a c-cat,  
a pig. A... hey, you know that that character is a female, right?"  
She began to snicker.  
  
"Well, yes, of course. What's your point, Ranma?"  
  
"Well, only that that's probably the first crossdressing  
pig in history."  
  
P-chan would have groaned. Or attacked. Or something.  
But being in costume and held by Akane, all he could do was attempt  
a piggy version of a meow.  
  
"Bweeow."  
  
It didn't QUITE work...  
  
####  
  
The Kuno Mansion. A hive of lunacy and insanity unlike any   
other place in Nerima... well, actually, most places in Nerima were  
hives of lunacy and insanity, but the Kuno mansion was a very NICE  
hive of lunacy and insanity. Being rich had it's moments.  
  
They were greeted by Sasuke, who was the only member of the   
staff that anyone ever actually saw. The entire staff at the Kuno  
estate were ninja, and had this fetish about not being seen. In   
fact, even Sasuke hadn't seen the chief chef in six years, and no-one  
was quite certain who changed the bedclothes any more... it just sort  
of seemed to get done.  
  
Ranma had been there a few times, but rarely of her own free   
will. Only a sizable amount of cash and a much desired CD were   
bringing her here tonight. Both she and Akane were wearing cloaks  
to hide their costumes.  
  
And as they entered the hall, and doffed said cloaks, there were  
more than a few appreciative murmurs.  
  
Akane had a damn near perfect Sailor Mercury outfit. Boots,  
tiara, short as heck fuku and all. And as she had noted, yes, her   
legs WERE good ones. It only helped that P-chan was wearing a faux  
cat's tail, small extensions on his ears, fake whiskers, and a white  
crescent moon on his forehead.  
  
Yes, it was true, Ranma was right-- P-chan was technically  
crossdressing. Instead of a boy pig, he was representing the role  
of Luna-- a female cat. The only jarring note was the bandanna  
(with the small combat cocktail umbrella hidden within) that Akane  
had not been able to remove. Well, she'd been able to remove   
twenty-six of them before she gave up.  
  
Ranma, on the other hand, was a near dead ringer for the video  
game heroine Lara Croft. Khaki shorts over a blue leotard, hiking  
boots and a backpack, and even a toy automatic rifle and paired   
waterpistols. She'd even gone back to her familiar pigtail for the  
role.   
  
"Wonder what the others are planning?"  
  
"We'll see... hey is THAT Kuno? NOT what I'd expected,"  
Ranma replied.  
  
Kuno, she'd thought, would be on his usual Samurai kick. He   
nearly always was. But not this time.  
  
Instead, the familiar fedora, battered leather jacket,   
bullwhip--   
  
"I have to admit," Ranma whispered, "Kuno makes a pretty good  
Indiana Jones."  
  
"Lara Croft and Indiana Jones-- maybe you ARE a couple after  
all?" giggled Akane.  
  
"Do not even THINK of going there."  
  
Nabiki chose that moment to arrive. She'd given long and hard  
thought to her outfit. She had decided to wear something that no-one  
would ever expect her to wear and that would attract the eyes of the  
businessmen she hoped to make contact with.  
  
And what would attract businessmen more than the classic Playboy  
Bunny? Nabiki KNEW that she had the build for it, and wasn't afraid  
to demonstrate the fact. Besides, much teasing potential was   
inherent in the skimpy bodysuit and ears.   
  
Shame? What was this shame thing? Besides, the outfit was   
cheap.  
  
"Hey, Ranchan-- what do you think?"  
  
Ranma blinked. Ukyo was not usually given to feminine garments.  
This was feminine-- but also had nearly as much attitude as Ranma  
favored.  
  
Leather skirt and bodice. Boots and armor. One unexpected  
combination.  
  
Ukyo, Warrior Princess. SOME people should not be allowed  
to watch Xena... but on Ukyo it looked good. Ranma began to chuckle.  
  
"Not bad, Ucchan... not bad at all. Although doesn't Xena carry  
a sword instead of a spatula?"  
  
"Hey, a girl's gotta go with her own nature. I wonder what--  
I do NOT believe this."  
  
That statement was prompted by Shampoo's entrance. Most people  
had expected the Amazon to wear something very very revealing--  
she usually did, after all.  
  
Instead, she was dressed in a very demure outfit. Long robes,  
complex trim, a new hairstyle--  
  
"Do they have Amazons on Jurai?" quipped Ranma.  
  
For Shampoo, who had decided that since Ranma wasn't responding  
to her usual "be sexy as all hell" routine, had decided to be   
ladylike. And who is more ladylike while still being a warrior  
than Ayeka from Tenchi Muyo?  
  
She bowed, carefully, and replied, "Shampoo not know, Lord   
Ranma, but should have."  
  
"Isn't that Lady Ranma right now?" smiled Akane.  
  
"Whatever," replied Shampoo. "Ranma like costume?"  
  
"Well... it's certainly a different look for you..."  
  
"Shampoo thank."  
  
"Got to admit, Ranchan, we're all kind of dressed in opposite  
ways."  
  
"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"  
  
"Except her," sneered Akane.  
  
Kodachi had made her entrance. And her costume-- what there  
was of it-- was impressive. Tiny. Black. Skulls. Bikini.   
Impractical as all hell.  
  
"Well, she's at least got the laugh right," mused Ranma as   
Kodachi descended the stairs in the classic Naga the White Serpent  
outfit from the Slayers movies.  
  
"And most of the attitude, and the lunacy, and the ego..."  
added Akane.  
  
"Bweeow," commented P-chan.  
  
Ukyo raised an eyebrow. "You got a smart pet there,   
Akane-chan-- I think it's actually trying to mew."  
  
"P-chan's a very very smart piggy, aren't you, P-chan?"  
  
"For a pig, yeah," muttered Ranma.  
  
"Shampoo not know crazy girl's outfit?"  
  
"Slayers. Pretty decent show."  
  
"Not look decent to Shampoo. Look indecent."  
  
Giggles rippled through the group. Oh, and a snickering  
"Bwee."  
  
Others arrived. Some more outrageous than others. Oh, there  
were the usual cowboys, singers, and the like-- but there were also  
the more imaginative.  
  
Yuka and Sayuri had decided that if Ranma could be daring,  
they could-- if only for a costume party where it could be excused.  
They made, with wigs to help, a fairly decent classic Dirty Pair.  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke, who would be the first to admit they knew  
squat about any real martial arts, nevertheless decided to also   
attend in matching costumes-- as Ryu and Ken from the Street Fighter  
videogames/anime.  
  
Take notes people, because this is going to be significant...  
  
####  
  
Cologne sat in the Nekohanten alone with Mousse, who hadn't  
been invited and was needed at the restaurant anyway. Something  
was preying on her mind-- something that she couldn't quite put her  
finger on.  
  
"Mousse, bring me the Crystal of Leng-Khao."  
  
As the nearly blind Master of Hidden Weapons And The Occasional  
Really Silly Object went to get the requested object, Cologne sat   
nervously. It had been a long while since she had felt this   
particular vibration in the aether. And it was not one she was happy  
about.  
  
Looking deeply into the crystal, the Amazon matriarch began the  
arcane chant that would open it's scrying powers. The crystal began  
to glow, faintly, revealing characters, words that would tell the   
elder what she needed to know.  
  
YOU'RE SCREWED.  
  
She had hoped for something more detailed...  
  
####  
  
"Ah, pony-tailed-- no, flame haired-- no, it's pig-tailed  
right now, isn't it? At any rate, overjoyed am I to see you and the  
lovely Akane Tendo at my humble affair."   
  
"Mrrph," replied Ranma, her mouth full of cake.  
  
Akane sighed. Loon deflection time. "Kuno-sempai, I hope   
you're not going to start getting demonstrative again..."  
  
"Would that I could bask in thy beauty and allow you to   
reciprocate by basking in my glorious manliness, but as the host I   
must both mingle with the common crowd and keep my demented sibling  
from inadvertently poisoning the guests. Or advertently, for that  
matter. But fear not, for later I shall have proper opportunity  
to grant you both my undivided attention."  
  
"Um, Kuno," asked Ranma, swallowing, "if there are two of us   
doesn't that mean your attention will _have_ to be divided?"  
  
Kuno blinked, in mild confusion. Then the kendoist went off to  
ponder this puzzle.  
  
"Not so bad a move," commented Nabiki. "Almost worthy of me, in  
fact. He'll be working that one out for at least five minutes."  
  
Ranma nodded over a glass of punch. "Food's okay too. Tried  
this cake yet? It's good."  
  
"Hai-- even P-chan likes it." Akane smiled at her pet who was  
daintily eating the confection in question. P-chan may have been a   
pig, but he wasn't a slob-- usually.  
  
"Of course, these pork buns are pretty good too. And these rice  
balls. And the meatballs. And the dim sum. And the--"  
  
"Ranma," wondered Nabiki out loud, "Do you ever think of   
anything but eating and fighting?"  
  
"Sure. There's sleeping."  
  
Nabiki groaned. She wasn't QUITE certain that Ranma was joking.  
  
####  
  
"Stupid oracle." Cologne glared at the crystal in aggravation.  
"Could you possibly be more specific?"  
  
YOU'RE REALLY SCREWED.  
  
"That's not telling me anything helpful..."  
  
SEVERELY SCREWED? MAJOR SCREWED? SCREWED BEYOND BELIEF?  
  
It is a little known fact that in the Amazon dialect of Chinese  
there are no less that sixty-two ways to call someone or something  
a moron. Cologne ran through them all twice in three and a half   
minutes.  
  
####  
  
"You know, the number of people hitting on Ranma's been pretty  
light tonight."  
  
"Well, maybe some boys are getting a clue."  
  
"Or maybe it's because there's a rumor that the guns are real."  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke nodded to each other. Then they went to   
strike up a conversation with Yuka and Sayuri, who looked very nice  
in the Dir-- ah, Lovely Angels costumes.  
  
####  
  
Cologne had just created a sixty-third way to call someone  
or something a moron when Mousse passed by and said, "Maybe you   
should ask it why we're screwed?"  
  
"Mousse, you idiot. Oracles don't work that way. You have to   
use arcane and careful methods to extract the required information.  
You don't just tap the thing and say, 'Hey, Mister Crystal, just   
exactly WHY is it we're screwed?' If we could... do... that..."  
  
BECAUSE A SOMEWHAT INSANE WIZARD NAMED FRED YERFBURGER,  
FROM PILLOW CREEK MINNESOTA, POPULATION 237, IS IN NERIMA RIGHT NOW.  
HE'S GOING TO DO SOMETHING VERY VERY STUPID WITH THE LOST AMULET  
OF IMPRESSIONS AND CAUSE A SEVERE REALITY INVERSION. YOUR ONLY HOPE  
IS A GROUP OF YOUNG BUT RATHER ILL-DISCIPLINED MARTIAL ARTISTS THAT  
ARE AT THE MOMENT DRESSED IN A WIDE ARRAY OF COSTUMES AND ENJOYING  
SOME RATHER FINE PUNCH AND FOODS.  
  
OH, AND BY THE WAY. YES, YOU SHOULD GIVE DUCK-BOY A RAISE FOR  
THIS. YOU NEED ALL THE GOOD KARMA YOU CAN GET.  
  
Cologne decided to use one of Ranma's techniques at that moment.  
And Mousse was treated to the remarkable sight of the Amazon beating  
her head against the table.  
  
Then she gave him a raise. And dashed off to a certain party.  
  
####  
  
Many people consider the arcane temples of China or Tibet to be  
the greatest sources of mystical knowledge. Others speak in hushed  
tones of the bayous of Louisiana where dreaded voodoo priests dwell.  
A few will mention the lost ruins of Tanis in Egypt, or the strange  
and hidden places that lie beneath Stonehenge. Still others mention  
such dreaded places as Phoenix Mountain, or the citadel of the Musk  
Dynasty. And a few-- very knowledgeable, very wise, and very   
afraid-- speak of Arkham, Massachusetts and the dread library of   
Miskatonic University.  
  
For some reason no-one seems to know about Pillow Creek,   
Michigan, which just happens to have the highest per-capita ratio  
on the planet of wizards, witches, sorcerers, magi, and the like to   
those who are classed as not being such. In fact, the only "normal"  
person there is Earl Gillespie, and he runs the combination  
gas station, convenience store, and post office.  
  
Population 237, of which 236 are magically active in one way or  
another.  
  
And in that small town, seemingly like any other small town,  
there's the required town jerk. You know, the guy who nobody likes?  
The one with a chip on his shoulder for no apparent reason? Well,  
in this case it was Fred Yerfburger.   
  
Fred's chip was because he wanted to rule the world.  
  
Now, to any serious practitioner of magic that is clearly   
stupid.  
  
First, because cosmic law won't LET a wizard rule the world--  
something or someone always stops you before you can cast the last  
rune, and then it's be cut down by the barbarian time, or be shot by  
the dashing hero time, or get your butt kicked by some martial artist  
whose name probably begins with R, ends with A, and is an   
aquatransexual time. (This is called foreshadowing.)  
  
Second, because even if you DID rule the world, the time it   
would take to administer it would take time away from the arcane  
studies that magi like so much.  
  
And third, because in the honest opinion of most real mages,  
it's a lot more gratifying to kick back with a sixpack and a cute   
nature spirit, watch "The Witches of Eastwick" and poke fun at the   
errors, and cuddle a bit.  
  
In other words, once you become really enlightened into the true  
meaning of the universe and master it's eldritch powers, you realize  
that it's no big deal after all, and just settle for kicking back   
with aforesaid cute nature spirit and conjuring the occasional  
Budweiser.   
  
REAL wizards are a pretty laid back bunch, in general.  
  
Fred was an exception. He didn't like beer, he wasn't that fond  
of study, and he was determined to prove that Cosmic Law was wrong.  
Fred was powerful, Fred was capable, and Fred was a nutball.  
  
Fred wasn't, however, stupid. Try to start taking over the   
world at home and he'd get dogpiled by 235 really pissed off   
magically active people who would be very angry at his interfering  
with their beer-conjuring and nature spirit cuddling. Plus Earl   
would be hitting him with that damn mallet he'd bought from a   
Japanese importer again. (Where the hell did Earl KEEP that damn   
thing, anyway?)  
  
No, THIS time he'd go to a far off land where he would find   
little or no opposition. By the time any of his neighbors had   
figured out what was going on, it would be too late, and he would  
be able to shape the world to his liking.  
  
And he had the perfect place to start-- a quiet, ordinary  
place in Japan called Nerima.  
  
Hmmm. On second thought, maybe Fred WAS stupid.  
  
####  
  
The party went on. That's what a good party does, and even if   
it WAS being held by the Kunos, it was a pretty good party.  
  
Kuno himself had decided to research what the common people  
did for fun. To his surprise, poetry readings, samurai epics, and   
listening to him proclaim his personal greatness wasn't on the list.  
However, eating, drinking, dancing, and something truly fascinating  
was.  
  
The fascinating thing was a novel idea called karaoke.  
  
Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea, Tatewake Kuno was   
actually aware of a personal shortcoming. He knew that he couldn't  
sing. He was painfully aware that he would have a hard time carrying  
a tune.  
  
In fact, he'd have a hard time dragging a tune in a bucket at   
the end of a heavy chain attached to a four-wheel drive pickup truck.  
IF the bucket was helpfully strapped to a skateboard.  
  
But that didn't mean that the paired angels couldn't sing for   
him... and he'd thusly gone and purchased a BIG karaoke machine  
with a LOT of songs, the lyrics albums, and a wide screen projection  
video system for atmosphere. He looked forward to what he knew would  
be songs of gentle love and precious romance emitted from the voices  
of the angelic Akane Tendo and the girl who kept changing her hair  
all the time but was a fiery tigress after his heart anyhow.  
  
The problem was that said fiery tigress wasn't cooperating.  
  
"Akane, I don't wanna sing no songs."  
  
"Ranma, you've got a great voice as a girl, and you know it.   
Besides, everyone else is."  
  
"I ain't everyone else," complained Ranma, forgetting to talk  
like a proper girl. "Besides, I just know there ain't a song in   
there I'd like anyhow."  
  
"You can look, can't you?"  
  
"I guess..." Ranma knew that Akane wouldn't let her off without  
at least one song. "But you go first."  
  
Akane blinked. "Well... I don't know about THAT..."  
  
"I won't unless you do."  
  
"Okay, fine. I'll sing and then you sing. Deal?"  
  
"Deal."  
  
Akane went to look for the songbooks, and started thumbing  
through them. Ranma turned to the crossdressing piglet, and asked,  
"So, P-chan, which song are you gonna sing?"  
  
"Bweeow," replied the pig, giving Ranma a dirty stare.  
  
Ranma chuckled. And then noticed to her personal horror that  
Akane was mounting the stage that Kuno had set up, microphone  
in hand, and talking to Sasuke who, rather than his accustomed  
ninja garments was wearing a sort of sequined DJ outfit.  
  
(Kuso-- she IS gonna sing something, and that means I'LL have  
to sing something, and... Kuso.)  
  
And at that thought, Akane started to sing the annoyingly  
appropriate "Moonlight Densetsu".  
  
And, in fact, she wasn't bad.  
  
(I'm impressed. Hmm... I have to find a song that's me...   
something with attitude...)  
  
As Ranma started to thumb through the songbooks, P-chan thought  
of a simple plan to embarrass her. The transpig might not at the   
moment be trying to kill the girl in training, but there wasn't   
anything wrong with making her look like a fool. All he had to do   
was to sneak up to the karaoke setup, pull the sound cables, and   
instant silly-looking Ranma.  
  
The pig began a stealthy approach to the stage.  
  
Ranma chose her song. Perfect.  
  
The pig began to approach his target.  
  
Ranma took the microphone, and said, "I really should be wearing  
a bustier and miniskirt for this song, but..."  
  
The pig, who was right in front of one of the speakers, froze.  
No. She wasn't going to sing--  
  
We digress here for a small explanation. Ranma, although  
it's not noted in either the anime or the manga, sings in the shower.  
And it's always the same song, and it should be played loud. And   
Ryoga/P-chan knows this.  
  
Ranma nodded to Sasuke, who turned up the volume. After all,  
this song needed to be loud.  
  
And the redhead went into a very very spirited rendition  
of "Konya Wa Hurricane".  
  
Also a very very loud one.  
  
Everyone enjoyed it immensely except a half-deafened  
pig.  
  
Who was blown halfway across the room by the speakers.  
  
It is fate.  
  
####  
  
The wizard named Fred approached the mansion. Ah, here were   
where the ley lines intersected. Here was the place to use the   
Amulet of Impressions. Here he would cause chaos by bring the inner  
nature to the outer surface.  
  
And surely the inner nature of most were weak, so he could   
easily master the world.  
  
Insert patented Evil Laugh #174 here.  
  
####  
  
"Wow, Ranma, that was great!" enthused Yuka.  
  
"Yeah! Maybe you should form a band!" agreed Sayuri.  
  
"I didn't know that you could sing that well," added Hiroshi.  
  
"You wiggle really nice when you sing, Ranma," said Daisuke.  
  
Two Lovely Angels and one Street Fighter bapped Daisuke before  
Ranma could.  
  
"Such a moron. You don't think you could give us another song?  
I mean, you DO sing well," Hiroshi said. "If you ever wanted to, you  
could be an idol singer, for sure."  
  
"You ever seen what they make idol singers wear?" retorted  
Ranma. "No WAY am I going on stage in one of those lacy dresses.  
Why do you think I chose Konya Wa Hurricane?"  
  
"Because it's what you sing in the shower in the locker room   
every day?" quipped Akane.  
  
"Hey, I like the series, I like the song. And I never had the  
right voice to sing it until the Girl Days training... well, didn't  
want to admit it anyway. I guess I like to sing."  
  
"Hey, Ranma, if I can get you a blonde wig, a miniskirt and a   
bustier, will you sing it again?"  
  
"Dai, you WANT Ranma to get medieval on you?" asked Hiroshi.  
  
"I dunno... I would look good in that outfit... but no. I don't  
think so," Ranma smiled.  
  
"Besides, where would you find a Priss costume anyhow?" asked  
Yuka.  
  
"I was just asking..."  
  
"You were just being a pervert," Sayuri retorted.  
  
"Hey, there's nothing perverted about a guy wanting to look at a  
pretty girl in a miniskirt! Now, a poodle costume, THAT would be   
perverted," Daisuke countered.  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"You've been talking to Enzo again, haven't you?" asked Ranma.  
  
"Well... only to try to save his life before you kill him..."  
replied Daisuke, weakly.  
  
"Besides," Ranma said, to divert the imminent death of Daisuke,  
"I don't have such an outfit, and neither does anyone here."  
  
"Such is not a problem, fire-haired goddess," came a really  
really unwelcome voice. "Indeed, we have a complete set of almost  
any garment that either you or the fair Akane could ever desire to   
wear in your sizes. Although, I fear, I have not such a wig on   
hand," Kuno said.  
  
"Why the HELL would you have-- no, never mind, I really don't  
want to know," sighed Ranma.  
  
"Dare you," grinned Akane.  
  
Ranma gulped. Somehow this seemed familiar. "Don't wanna."  
  
"Aw, it would be so cute, Ranma," put in Sayuri.  
  
"Don't wanna."  
  
"You'd be the hit of the party," Hiroshi noted.  
  
"Don't wanna!"  
  
"We could sing backup for you," added Yuka.  
  
"Don't Wanna!!!"  
  
"Personally, sugar, I'd pay money to see that myself."  
  
Ranma gave Ukyo an accusing glare. "Don't WANNA!"  
  
"Lady Ranma not afraid?" asked Shampoo, grinning. She was a   
closet BGC fan, and would love to see this.  
  
"You TOO? I DON'T WANNA!"  
  
This went on for a while. The inevitable result was that Ranma  
found herself with a change of costume, unbound hair, and on stage  
again.   
  
(Where in HELL did Kuno get a perfect dupe of the Asagiri outfit  
from episode one anyway?) grumbled Ranma internally, as she began  
to reprise the number--  
  
And something really really stupid happened.  
  
####   
  
Fred cast his spell.  
  
Unfortunately, he didn't get it quite right.  
  
His intent was to bring the inner nature to the outer surface.  
  
Instead, he bought the outer surface to the inner nature.  
  
For most of the people in the area that meant absolutely  
nothing-- on a purely spiritual level. But to a pack of costume  
partygoers...  
  
Cologne arrived exactly seventeen seconds too late. She stared  
in shock as buildings appeared from nowhere, wildly mismatched.  
A van grew from nothing nearby. So did an Aston Martin, circa the   
mid Sixties. On the roof of the Kuno mansion a conveniently  
placed spaceship appeared.   
  
And Cologne could only think of one thing to say...  
  
"Oh, shit."  
  
####  
  
to be 


	14. Girl Days part 12

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
By Robert Haynie  
  
(Nope, I don't own them, can't afford the legal fees, and am too  
silly anyway. So leave me out of it!)  
  
####  
  
Part 12: Reality? Sheah, RIGHT.  
  
####  
  
(A dark-haired man walks onto a lit stage, carrying a sheet of   
paper in one hand. He adjusts his glasses, and begins to speak.)  
  
For those who missed the previous chapter, I would like to...  
aw, forget it. It's just too damn WIERD. Go back and read it-- it's  
generally archived at http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud/,  
and for Heaven's sake, don't take any hard drugs while doing so.  
  
(The man tosses the paper down in disgust and strides off,   
ignoring the complaints of the speechwriter.)  
  
####  
  
Ranma felt-- odd.  
  
Her brain seemed to burn for a moment, and unfamiliar images  
seemed to pass through her head. She shook off the feeling, however,  
and went back into her rendition for the second time that night of   
"Konya Wa Hurricane".   
  
For some reason, she felt more natural singing it this time.  
But she didn't get to finish the song.   
  
After all, it's hard to remain calm and singing when a   
centenarian Amazon leaps through the roof and lands on top of Indiana  
Kuno, screaming something about Minnesotan Wizards and Evil spells  
meant to weaken the soul.  
  
Cologne blinked. As far as she could tell, no spirits were   
crushed. In fact, there seemed rather a larger aura of confidence  
than usual.  
  
"Lady, could you get offa my head already?" complained  
Kuno.  
  
"Of course-- but the outside has gone-- what did you say?" said  
Cologne, noting that Kuno's usual mode of speech had altered.  
  
"Look, you might like perching up there, sister, but you're  
crushing the hat-- what am I SAYING? How can I speak in such a   
common fashion?"  
  
"Great Grandmother, what has you so upset? I hardly understood  
anything you said," Shampoo inquired.  
  
Cologne stared.  
  
"By the Gods, Shampoo, since when do you speak Japanese that   
well?"  
  
Cologne stared at Ukyo also.  
  
"It IS strange. There must be a reasonable explanation  
for this, however... we can't discount the possibility of youma   
possession here," added Akane.  
  
Staring was no longer an option. "He... he couldn't have   
screwed that spell up THAT badly..."  
  
Ranma stepped off the stage, scowling. "You'd better start   
making sense, Cologne. I hate having my performances interrupted--  
Akane, what are you saying?"  
  
"He DID. That maniac DID. Excuse me. I need to sit down..."  
Cologne shuddered. This was, as it were, a Very Bad Thing.  
  
"Well, do so off of the Blue Thunder's head. You ain't exactly  
light, you know."  
  
"Of... of course." Hopping off the fedora-clad cranium, Cologne  
began to explain what no-one had yet quite caught on to...  
  
####  
  
"You're kidding me. You have to be kidding me. This isn't   
possible." Ranma shook her head, uncertainly. Yet she somehow  
felt different-- somewhat irritable, somewhat angry at... something.  
  
"I certainly don't feel that much different," added Akane.  
"Well, I do, but it doesn't seem to really matter... I can't explain  
it, really." Akane wasn't getting angry. She felt unusually  
mild tempered, in fact. Clear headed, really.   
  
"Well, I for one can guarantee that SOMETHING happened,"  
came a new voice. Everyone looked around for a moment, uncertainly,  
before realizing that the voice was coming from the floor.  
  
P-chan leapt up with feline grace. Which wasn't odd,   
considering that he'd become a talking cat.  
  
Ranma's eyes boggled-- and the beginning of a panic attack   
began-- and stopped. She felt uncomfortable, yes, but she wasn't  
going into her normal "get the hell away from the cat" mode.  
  
"Well, there's proof for you there," Cologne said. "Ranma may  
suffer from ailurophobia, but the character she's portraying  
does not, and that seems to be ameliorating her usual reaction...  
excuse me. Did that cat just talk?"  
  
"Logical. Luna in the show talks, and since P-chan was   
portraying that role, so does he now. I wonder..." Akane tapped  
an earring, and a blue-tinted visor appeared. "Hey, this is neat!  
I even know how to use it!"  
  
"So... you really are Sailor Mercury... man, what's the point  
of doing this?" asked "Priss". "This guy just a nut or something?"  
  
"I believe his intentions were to draw the inner nature to the  
surface. According to my sources, he's the type who thinks all   
people are weaklings at heart, and assumed that this would make it   
easy for him to rule the world. He got it backwards, it seems.   
Ukyo, would you please stop that?" The last was directed at a   
happily backflipping warrior princess.  
  
"Honestly, Ukyo. Even if you find yourself somewhat improved  
in a physical sense, it's hardly polite or ladylike to leap about  
like that," chided Shampoo.   
  
"At any rate, this insanity will spread wider... and our city,  
perhaps our world, will be twisted beyond recognition unless we stop  
him. We have to get the Amulet of Impressions away from that lunatic  
Yerfburger and destroy it-- within forty-eight hours, or the changes  
will be irreversible."  
  
"And that's a bad thing, right? Hmm... you know, this guy is in  
real trouble. I've still got my skills at the Art, but I fell like  
I got more too. I'm not Ranma OR Priss-- I'm, I think, kinda both.  
I can feel it."  
  
The others nodded. They too could feel the strange sense of   
overlay.   
  
"Shampoo-- are you aware that you apparently have two giant   
floating bonbori behind you?" asked Akane, uncertainly.  
  
The Juraian Amazon shrugged. "It seems that my Guardians  
have arrived."  
  
"We have only just come, Princess," said one of the huge wooden  
battle maces.  
  
"Actually, I think we have only just been created. I find no   
record of my previous existence in my memory banks at any rate,"  
the other added.  
  
"This is getting weird. Look what I found in my handbag,"  
Ranma said.   
  
"Good lord! What the hell kind of gun is THAT?" blurted Kuno.   
  
"Member II. Got extra rounds in the bag for it also. Wonder  
if there's a hardsuit out there waiting for me?"  
  
"Hera's heart... this is getting insane," muttered Ukyo.  
  
"Insane's nothing new. But this goes beyond the pale," said   
Cologne.  
  
"Whoo-hoo! This is GREAT!" chorused two voices. Heads turned  
to see Hiroshi and Daisuke now bouncing about in an almost Ranmaesque  
fashion.   
  
"Hmm... real martial arts. And likely some that are fictional.  
This is going farther than I feel comfortable with," mused Sailor  
Akane.  
  
"Yeah, there could be real-- oh, DAMN. I just thought--  
we also have a Naga and the-- the Dirty Pair."  
  
Eyes widened. "You don't think Kodachi's figured it out yet,  
do you?" asked a somewhat upset Shampoo.  
  
"OHHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH!"  
  
"It's a possibility," Ranma scowled.  
  
"Power! TRUE power worthy of the goddess I was meant to be!"  
chortled the less than sand Kodachi, the White Serpent.  
  
The sight of a bikini-clad Kodachi exercising her Raywing was,  
to say the least, unnerving.  
  
"She's not gonna want to change things, you know. If we have  
to deal with her as well, we're screwed. I saw part of a OAV of that  
series, and I'm beginning to wish I'd paid more attention,"  
sighed Ranma. (A thought that would, in the future, come back to   
haunt her many times. Check out Redheads by this author for the   
reason why.)  
  
Without hesitation Ukyo whipped out a metal ring that had before  
been made of cheap tin, but now was of high carbon steel, and tossed  
it. It ricocheted along three walls, caught Kodachi a glancing  
blow on the back of the head, knocking her silly, and flew back to   
Ukyo's hand. "Not a problem."  
  
"Okay, I'M impressed," said Ranma. "Now... how are we going  
to find this Hamburger guy?"  
  
"Yerfburger," corrected Cologne.  
  
"Whatever."  
  
Akane looked thoughtful. Then, from apparently nowhere, she   
produced a small blue rectangle, which she opened. "Apparently  
I have this as well. If I can find a way to track him, we can take  
him down quickly. And since we don't have much time... I'll get on   
it right away."  
  
"You know how to use that thing, Akane?" asked Ranma.  
  
"Oddly enough, I do. Getting to him may be a problem,   
though..."  
  
"We can use our spaceship!" chirped two more changed people.  
Sayuri and Yuka. The new Dirty Pair.  
  
Two neoStreet Fighters sweatdropped. They knew their   
girlfriends roles VERY well...  
  
"That might work... take her up and scout out the situation,  
then report back. Take Dai and 'Roshi with you, though." And aside  
to the two latter mentioned, "And try to make certain they don't blow  
anything up. We don't know how far this goes yet."   
  
A cowboy came in, grinning. "Man, there's horses out there--  
one's mine and she's really smart! And the COOLEST motorcycle  
I have ever seen!"  
  
"Bets on whose that is?" quipped Kuno, who was finishing  
tying and gagging his twisted sister.   
  
"No bets at all, Kuno-san," replied Shampoo. "I think that Lady  
Ranma is almost certain to be the owner."  
  
The cowboy shrugged. "I reckon I don't know anything about   
that, but there's also this really cool car out there. A 1963 Aston  
Martin, in mint condition-- you don't see those ANYWHERE. Wonder  
whose that is?"  
  
"That," a cultured voice said, "Would be mine, I suspect."  
  
All eyes turned to the new speaker. As usual, people had almost  
forgotten that he was here-- nobody ever seemed to notice him.  
  
But right now they were noticing him a lot. His demeanor  
seemed completely different, his bearing stronger. His tuxedo,  
which had been slightly rumpled before, was now perfect. And there  
was an almost steely glint in his eyes.  
  
"You... you're..."  
  
And in a British accent, the man replied, "Gosunkugi. Hikaru  
Gosunkugi. At your service, ladies..."  
  
####  
  
Fred Yerfburger was not a happy wizard.  
  
He wasn't certain what had gone wrong with the spell, but   
instead of creating a pack of cowering worms that he could easily  
dominate it seemed to have instead caused the Nerima ward to become  
something out of dozens of those annie-may cartoons that were so   
popular here. A towering futuristic structure stood next to what   
looked like a jungle temple. Small skycars zipped past arcane   
pillars. Robots mingled with what he could have sworn were elves.   
  
And nobody paid much attention. This was, after all, Nerima.  
  
At first the spell had done nothing to those not in costume.  
But the Reality Inversion had a LOT of energy, and damn if it was   
going to let it end at Ranma and company. Bit by bit people were   
changing depending on where the closest manga, anime, novel, or movie  
was -- and if there wasn't anything really close, it would just make  
something up.  
  
In other words, Nerima was looking a lot like a titanic cosplay  
where the buildings had decided to join in on the fun.  
  
The Tendo Dojo wasn't any different. Nodoka sighed as Kasumi  
used her adamantium claws to slice the tofu for tonight's stir-fry  
while happily smoking a cheap cigar. Soun and Genma were playing  
shogi while discussing the best way to protect young ladies-- as any  
noble swashbucklers from a nearby shojo manga would. They were still  
cheating, though.  
  
"Kasumi, dear, don't you find things rather... odd?" Nodoka  
couldn't put her finger on it, but...  
  
"Nope, Auntie." Kasumi brushed back her rather eccentric  
hair and continued slicing. "Why'dja ask?"  
  
"I can't quite say... just something bothering me. A sort of   
disturbance in the force..." Nodoka shrugged and went back to her   
lightsaber practice.  
  
####  
  
Nabiki was NOT happy. The spell had tried to resolve the bunny  
suit in a way that was really really unexpected.  
  
"You don't look that bad, Nabiki," Akane soothed.  
  
Nabiki didn't reply. She just wrinkled her pink nose while her  
whiskers twitched adorably. Idly she ran her fingernails through  
the thick pelt of white fur she was now sporting. One of her lapine  
ears twitched, and she desperately fought off urges to go hit the   
carrot sticks.  
  
Same shape, same girl-- new species. Bunny Girl indeed.  
  
Nabiki, as had been noted, was NOT happy. And this wizard bozo  
was going to PAY for making her look like a overdeveloped  
and underclad cousin of Lola Bunny.  
  
####  
  
The patrols went out. Ranma on her motorcycle. Ukyo, Shampoo,  
and Gosunkugi in the Aston Martin. Kuno in a private car. The Four  
Riders (Hiroshi, Daisuke, Yuka, and Sayuri) in the Lovely Angel.  
Akane and Cologne stayed back to coordinate and to see what Akane  
could detect with the Mercury Computer, P-chan (or as one wag called  
him, Luna-P) grumbling. He was DAMN glad that if he had to be a   
talking magical cat he was a MALE talking magical cat.  
  
Ranma was especially angry. Very angry. Angry wasn't usually  
a Ranma thing, but it certainly was a Priss thing, and since Ranma  
was partly a Priss, she was a Pissed Priss.  
  
(When I get my hands on that jerk I'm gonna Righteous Tigresses  
Fury his butt so hard he'll have lower his pants to blow his nose.)  
  
Ranma had her own ideas about where to look. If anything  
went really strange, it tended to be at the Dojo. So she went there  
both to check on the others and to see if the jerk had stopped by.  
  
On the way, she noted how the city had become a sort of demented  
theme park.   
  
She entered the dojo and blinked. Blinked. Blinked. "Holy..."  
  
Cologne had mentioned that only those nearest the center of the  
spell would really realize that something was wrong. Seemed to be   
the case. Kasumi was serving dinner wearing a yellow and black   
spandex outfit, smoking a cigar and idly slicing fish with a claw   
that was popping out the back of her hand. Pops and Mister Tendo  
were dressed like something out of the Three Musketeers, which was   
especially jarring when a French panda was involved. And her mother  
was helping Kasumi by levitating the plates onto the table while   
reheating the rice with a lightsaber.  
  
"Um... everything all right here?" she asked, hesitantly.  
  
"Jes' fine, Red-chan," piped Kasumi. "Oh, I polished your   
hardsuit and motoslave, they're in the dojo. Had a feelin' you might  
need them 'cause I heard something that sounded a lot like a Boomer  
earlier."  
  
Ranma stared. And then thought, (Hardsuit AND... yes!) "Um,  
actually, I have to help my friends save the world from an insane  
wizard, but thanks Kasumi. I'll need it."  
  
Ranma didn't expect the reaction she got.  
  
"Wizards? Not on MY watch, Red-chan. Girls' gotta do what   
she's gotta do," Kasumi said pulling her mask on.  
  
"The duty of a Jedi takes precedence over dinner, I agree,"  
Nodoka added.  
  
Soun and Genma merely looked at each other, clasped hands, and  
stood, capes dramatically flowing in a sudden breeze. Even the panda  
looked oddly noble and heroic.  
  
Ranma shrugged, and went into the dojo to change into her   
hardsuit. Why throw away more allies? Even Kasumi, who seemed oddly  
capable...  
  
####  
  
Fred couldn't figure out what was going on with the spell. It   
wasn't acting ANYTHING like he'd expected. In fact, it wasn't acting  
like anything he'd ever heard of.  
  
But it WAS generating massive amounts of thaumic energy, and   
that meant that he could use that energy to try something even   
greater. He'd inadvertently created a city full of paranormal  
entities, of which he was certain he could find a way to control  
some of them. An army of elves, monsters, robots... he would be   
unstoppable! Invincible! Like unto a GOD!  
  
Evil Laugh #128 followed.  
  
####  
  
"Much oddness does happen at our establishment, Ukyo-san.  
Perhaps we should go there. Also, one wonders what has happened  
to Mousse. As little as I like him, I should make certain he is   
uninjured."  
  
"I'm with you on that. Hikaru?"  
  
"I rather anticipated that you might suggest that. Almost   
there, in fact. Ah... that IS the Nekohanten, isn't it?"  
  
It was, but it wasn't. The noodle emporium had taken on a   
definite high-tech appearance. Flanges, searchlights, and the like  
all sprang from the place. It looked positively military.  
  
Entering, the place looked like a weird mix of barracks and   
restaurant. It was, in fact, positively eye-wrenching.  
  
And Mousse sat at one table cleaning a complex looking firearm.  
Looking up, with oddly clear eyes SHE adjusted the strap of her   
muscle-T, scowled, and adjusted her now thinner glasses. "I get the  
feeling I'm not myself. Can't put a finger on it, but..."  
  
"You... are somewhat changed..." Shampoo murmured.  
  
"Yeah. If you say so. Old Mummy got orders for us?"  
  
"You could say that," Ukyo said weakly.  
  
Pulling on a fatigue jacket and hefting her rifle, the rather  
bizarre mix of Mousse and Ellen Ripley shrugged. "Well, let's do it.  
But this had better not be another bughunt."  
  
As they left, Aliens continued to play in the VCR, and Mousse  
asked, idly, "By the way, who's the good looking guy?"  
  
####  
  
As Ranma pulled up to Ucchan's, to check up on Konatsu, she   
blinked. Not that you could tell from inside a hardsuit.  
  
In a curious touch of arcane whimsy, although the suit was   
technologically identical to the hardsuit that Priss Asagiri used in  
later episodes of Bubblegum Crisis, it's color scheme wasn't.   
Instead it was red with heavily black trimmed legs and forearms,  
reminiscent of Ranma's habitual (well, habitual when in male form)  
Chinese outfits and bracers.  
  
Ucchan's was also undergoing some cosmetic alterations.  
At least as far as Ranma could remember, it didn't have a thatched  
roof or a horse outside of it normally.  
  
Disembarking from the Typhoon II motoslave, Ranma carefully  
entered. "Konatsu, you in here? You OK?"  
  
"Never better, by Crom," came a voice that was LIKE Konatsu's,  
but deeper and more hearty. Ranma looked over the kitchen, where--  
  
Aw, this just didn't seem RIGHT. Konatsu had put on about fifty  
pounds-- apparently entirely muscle-- and was wearing, well, not a   
lot but it was all leather. And the sword was almost as long as   
Ranma was tall. His hair was already long before, but now it was   
also rather tangled, scars had appeared from nowhere, and there was  
a smoldering look in his eyes.  
  
"Um... you're sure you're OK?"  
  
"Set's guts, of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"  
  
(HOO Boy. Ukyo is gonna love this.) "Hey, you wanna help a   
bunch of us fight a sorcerer who's trying to take over the world?"  
  
Konatsu the Barbarian just cracked his knuckles and GRINNED.  
  
It was only a few days later that it was discovered that the   
kuinoichi was a closet Sword and Sorcery fan, and had been reading  
one of the L. Sprague de Camp Conan novels when he got hit.   
Afterwards he found that guilty pleasure's exposure to be very   
embarrassing because he didn't consider it ladylike.  
  
####  
  
One of the cosmic laws regarding wizards who want to take over  
the world is that forces will gather to oppose them. Often having  
no idea why.  
  
For example, the famed Golden Pair, who usually were regarded  
as halfwits if you allowed the possibility that they could get to a   
half a wit between them, arrived at the Kuno mansion for reasons  
they could not adequately explain. Then again, why the caprice  
of the spell had turned them into teenage doppelgangers of John Steed  
and Emma Peel, aka The Avengers, was lower on the adequacy of   
explanation scale.  
  
Cologne had fought the effects of transformation as long as she  
could, but it finally caught up with her. Actually, there wasn't  
much change in appearance except for coloration. A vaguely feminine  
Yoda in this case did seem to be appropriate.  
  
Eventually following instincts that were, well, instinctual,  
the group all rejoined at the mansion. With little to report except  
that the city was basically weirder than usual.  
  
If there had been such a thing as an unbiased observer there  
he would not have stayed unbiased for long. The sight before him   
would have driven him either to madness or rage against the insanity.  
  
Kuno was talking to Kasumi after borrowing a cigar. Kasumi  
was picking up a pork-bun with a claw.  
  
Cologne, Nodoka, Akane, and Luna-P were all attempting to find  
a source that would ID Yerburger's location. Akane by Mercury   
Computer, Cologne by the Crystal of Leng-khao, Nodoka by attuning  
to the Force, and Luna-P by darting from one to the other looking  
for similarities.  
  
Mousse and Gosunkugi were discussing weaponry. Mousse liked  
it big and bangy, where Gosunkugi was insisting that all one REALLY  
needed was a Walther PPK.  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke were berating Yuka and Sayuri for blowing  
up the Tokyo Tower. Said girls were retorting that that happens  
all the time anyway, it was ugly in the first place, and anyway it   
wasn't their FAULT.  
  
Shampoo was being charmed by the remarkably suave and dashing  
Soun and Genma. It was AMAZING how charming a panda with a rapier  
could be.  
  
Ukyo and Konatsu were sparring like a pair of barbarian   
warriors. Which made sense.  
  
And to keep the crowd's morale up, Ranma had gone into a second  
set. There was a LOT of music with the karaoke machine, and although  
she preferred the harder stuff, some of the J-pop was okay, and at   
least it calmed the crowd.  
  
In other words, even if people weren't themselves-- and they   
weren't, quite-- life was sort of going on.  
  
Conversations tended to be somewhat eccentric though.  
  
"Will someone tell Zorro over there to knock it off with the   
whip? I'm trying to catch a smoke here, and my Winstons are NOT a   
practice target."  
  
"What's Dilithium, and what does it have to do with the karaoke  
machine?"  
  
"I have the strangest desire to kiss my horse."  
  
"Sorry, Ranma says she WON'T sing the Happy Happy Joy Joy song.  
And that if you ask her again, she'll use that Member II on you."  
  
"Cologne says that until they can get a lock on that wizard  
the Martial Artists can't do anything. Well, what she ACTUALLY  
said was 'Difficult it is to see the Baka. Always in motion is he.'  
But it comes to the same thing."  
  
"Hey, Daisuke, wanna see me pull a rabbit out of my hat?"  
  
"AGAIN?"  
  
"bffrfrr mrrph mmm!"  
  
"No, we WON'T untie you, Kodachi."  
  
"Someone move this damn sheep! It keeps getting lost, it's   
worse than Ryoga!"  
  
"I have the strangest desire to kiss my horse."  
  
"You too?"  
  
"Want a balloon animal?"  
  
"Me Ichiro. You Jane?"  
  
"When in the winter of our discontent..."  
  
"Nagisa think maybe dress like Shampoo bad idea."  
  
"You and the other six Amazons."  
  
"Attention. To the owner of the Gundam in the parking lot. You  
are blocking traffic..."  
  
In other words... if THIS gang catches up with Yerfburger...   
  
####   
  
Meanwhile, said Yerfburger was having somewhat more difficulty  
gathering the energy he desired. If he hadn't known better, he would  
have thought that the universe was conspiring against him. That was,  
of course, impossible, since he was destined to rule the world.  
  
Of course, the universe WAS conspiring against him, and he   
WASN'T destined to rule the world, but this writer won't tell him if  
the honored readers won't. Let's let it be a surprise.  
  
####  
  
"AHA!"  
  
"A trace you have, Akane?" asked Cologne.  
  
"Hai! A strong energy pulse-- magical energy-- at these   
coordinates!"  
  
"Looks right to me-- somehow feels right too," input Luna-P.  
  
"The force is twisted in that direction also," added Nodoka.  
  
"Crystal of Leng-khao will I check." Cologne made certain  
magical passes over the oracular stone, and interpreted the runes  
that formed under it's surface.  
  
YEP. THAT'S THE PLACE. HAVE FUN.  
  
"Overly casual the crystal is. But place it seems to be."  
  
"Then... Let's go!"  
  
A pause.  
  
"After Ranma finishes this set... there's only two songs and I   
LOVE her rendition of the opening theme from the Tenchi Muyo TV   
series..."  
  
####  
  
To Be continued with a 


	15. Girl days part 13

Girl Days  
  
a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(You know, I'm beginning to run out of silly disclaimer  
jokes.)  
  
Part 13: Giant Worshiping Crisis Battle To Determine The Fate  
Of Man! (But unlike some fanfic, strangely without a tragic death.)  
  
####  
  
When you talk about fundamental universal forces, people bring  
up things like gravity, electricity, kinetics, and the like.  
  
Somehow they miss the most powerful of all--  
  
Irony.  
  
For example, it's fairly ironic that the single greatest threat  
to the stability and safety of Earth was not an extradimensional  
demonic force ala Queen Beryl, or an invasion fleet from another  
star like the Gamilons, or a gigantic monster such as Godzilla,  
but rather a sort of redneck-type named Fred Yerfburger.  
  
It's also ironic that the main defense against said redneck  
wasn't a heroic magical girl team, or a crew of self-sacrificing  
young people on a starship, or a single lone brilliant scientist,  
but a ragtag group of frankly weird as hell martial artists who at   
the moment weren't feeling quite themselves. Because in a very real  
sense they weren't.  
  
Maybe it's not irony. Maybe it's just that Kami-sama likes a   
really good joke as much as the next embodiment of a cosmic   
principle.  
  
Whatever it is, it was about to go into overdrive.  
  
####  
  
"We know where he's set up."  
  
In situations like this, leaders emerge. True, they usually  
aren't dressed in a bustier and miniskirt, but they do emerge. And  
as so often before, Ranma Saotome was somehow the leader.  
  
Kuno thought he was the leader, actually, but everyone else knew  
different. Besides, it seemed that Ranma was probably the closest  
to being normal.   
  
Normal at the moment was a very relative term. Ranma was   
usually a very easygoing sort, but right now she was exhibiting  
a stubborn streak and a uncharacteristic temper. It was probably  
her usually strong sense of personal identity that hadn't subsumed  
her totally in the role of Priss Asagiri.  
  
Compared to the unusually meek Akane, the rough talking Kuno,  
the elegant and demure Shampoo, the highly belligerent Ukyo and   
Konatsu, the bizarrely suave Gosunkugi, the oddly female Mousse,  
the sudden martial arts pair of Daisuke and Hiroshi, the downright  
dangerous pair of Yuka and Sayuri, and the technically perfectly  
normal for her but bound and gagged Kodachi, there really wasn't  
much else in the arena of choice.  
  
"The problem we have," continued the trainee girl turned rock  
star and Knight Saber, "Is that he's probably already setting up some  
sort of citadel, according to Sailor Mer-- ah, Akane's readings.  
Cologne and Mom agree. We're going to have a tough time of it,   
because anyone who can do something like this is going to be   
powerful, and we don't have an army or anything--"  
  
"Actually, we do," interrupted Luna-P.  
  
"What? Where do you figure that?"  
  
Luna-P merely pointed a paw. And Ranma realized that she had at  
her beck and call tons of sentai heroes, cowboys (complete with   
working six-shooters and horses), samurai, magical girls, mecha   
pilots (complete with mecha), superheroes, newly empowered videogame  
martial artists, and even the bleeding Dirty Pair.  
  
"Um... I don't think it's fair to ask them to risk their lives  
in this--"  
  
"Try and stop us," yelled a cowboy. "Me and my pals wanna show  
that there gaijin critter a good old necktie party, and every one of  
us can shoot the wings off'n a fly at fifty paces!"  
  
"Same here! I'm itching to use these Esper powers!"  
  
"Hai! Our honor requires that we do battle!" yelled a few   
samurai and videogame characters.  
  
"I got a MOSPEADA and I ain't afraid to use it!"  
  
"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!"  
  
Heads turned at the last. Nabiki, the new take on the term   
"Bunny Girl", stomped up in her high heels and snarled past her   
adorably cute pink nose. "I'm coming too! And don't try to talk me  
out of it, Saotome--"  
  
Here the author inserts an explanation. Most people think of   
rabbits as cute peaceful creatures-- unless they have read Watership  
Down.  
  
DOMESTIC rabbits may be that way, but wild rabbits can be quite  
belligerent, fight ruthlessly, and are pretty tough for something  
on their link of the food chain.  
  
And Nabiki, who would normally stay back and say that it's not  
her problem, was at the moment in full blown berserk wild rabbit  
mode.   
  
"Nabiki," Ranma said reasonably, "You can't fight-- not really.  
You haven't trained in years. You don't even have a weapon."  
  
"Fine! Any of you have a spare weapon?"  
  
Mousse stood up. "No problem." And to the amazement of most  
(not all, but damn near) she casually pulled out from her fatigue  
jacket a pistol belt and handgun. That was followed by a bandoleer  
of extra clips, an assault rifle similar to the one she was carrying,  
three grenades and a combat knife. "Have fun."  
  
"Still the master-- or mistress-- of hidden weapons, I guess..."  
Ranma murmured as Nabiki changed from bunny girl to heavily armed  
and lethal bunny girl.  
  
Someone punched up "Girls with Guns" on the karaoke machine  
and was dogpiled immediately thereafter.  
  
"Well, okay. It's your tail."  
  
"Damn straight-- and I want to get rid of it!"  
  
"That knife looks sharp..." Another dogpile.  
  
Ranma rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. Now... we have to figure  
out how we're going to do this, since we have more combatants  
than I thought..."  
  
####  
  
Fred was not happy. For some reason, he couldn't take over the  
mind of ANYONE in Nerima. Since he was destined to rule the world,  
this did not make sense.  
  
Well, there were always other ways to skin a planet. The simple  
creation of massive amounts of minor golems to do his bidding and to  
spread fear and terror amongst the no doubt disoriented populace  
was something he COULD do. That, at least, the massive amounts  
of magical energy could be bent to.  
  
And he could even create a few giant monsters to add to the fun  
and begin his campaign against, oh, China or Russia. THAT would be   
easy.  
  
Jkkrlps, Fred's demon familiar, was shaking her head. She was  
bound to a loser, she just knew it. Story of her not-exactly-a-life.  
  
Where other demons were properly hideous (as in the case of the  
Lords of Hell) or seductive (as in the case of the Succubi and   
Incubi) or strangely disturbing for reasons no one can put their   
fingers on (as in the case of Bill Gates) She was... was...  
  
Kawaii.  
  
Oh, the shame of it. Where others had fearsome batlike or   
dragonlike wings that dripped in decay and menace, she had something  
that was vaguely batlike but seemed to evoke the image of a   
butterfly. Where a succubus would be properly voluptuous and dressed  
in either diaphanous silks or scant leather and chrome, the best she  
could do is a girl-next-door prettiness and an outfit not unlike  
that of a magical girl. And she was about as disturbing as a well  
shot photograph of a puppy and a kitten or a really really fresh   
piece of cheesecake with strawberries.  
  
Tjbndf was not a happy demon at all. And to top it all off, she  
was bound to the ONLY sorcerer she knew of who didn't like beer. And  
brother, she could use a beer.  
  
"Master," Ktjhsf said, uncertainly, "What are your plans now?"  
  
"Well, the usual backup. A mass of faceless minions to   
terrorize the populace, and a few large monsters. That I can do,   
anyway. If I didn't know better, I'd think the folks at home were  
behind this cockup."  
  
"Oh, I am certain they aren't, Master." (I'm certain it's your  
own incompetence.)  
  
"At any rate, it won't be too much of a problem. What could  
go wrong?"  
  
Outside, there was an ominous roll of thunder (tm).  
  
####  
  
The massed forces of Team Nerima moved out.  
  
And we are talking SERIOUS massed forces here.  
  
One problem would have been communications, but Luna-P had   
solved that.  
  
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.  
  
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.  
  
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.  
  
"Man, how many of those communicators do you HAVE?" asked   
Ranma, honestly impressed.  
  
"I don't know, but we need as many as we can get," panted a   
tired Luna-P. "I also have a few extra computers, about a hundred  
henshin sticks that probably won't work because no-one here's reborn  
from the Silver Millennium, three spare seifuku, a copy of the Sailor  
Moon RPG and Resource Book, about a ton of roses of various colors,  
and a cheese sandwich. I don't know why that's in there."  
  
"I just wish they weren't so girly," complained Kuno.  
  
"Look, these things were designed for magical girls in the first  
place, you expected black enamel and chrome? Pink and rhinestones  
go with the package, whip-boy."  
  
Flip. Twinkle. Thump.  
  
"What'd ya pop that out for?"  
  
"I got hungry," Luna-P retorted, starting in on the cheese   
sandwich.  
  
####  
  
"See? There goes my great giant monster! There goes my   
masterpiece of fear and terror! There goes... goes... goes..."  
  
Fred boggled at his scrying crystal.  
  
"There goes your great giant monster being dogpiled by three  
giant robots. A Gundam, a Valkyrie VF-17, and what looks like a   
female Mazinger. If I'm not mistaken, oh great and powerful master,"  
Ggkqql said dryly.  
  
"You're being sarcastic or something, right?"  
  
"I wouldn't DREAM of it, dread lord."   
  
"Oh, that's all right then." Fred scowled. "Hmm... looks like  
my minions aren't doing very well either. I didn't know they had   
cowboys in Japan."  
  
"It's a rather advanced nation, oh powerful one," Hghhlk   
replied.  
  
"What are those?"  
  
"Samurai, if I'm not mistaken. Well, samurai, half of a sentai  
team, and someone in armor on a motorcycle. But your forces are   
holding them back, more or less. Certainly you have time to finish  
taking over Japan."  
  
"Good. Then the world after that."  
  
Ptyllkk blinked. "The... the world?"  
  
"Yep. Gonna take over the world."  
  
"But cosmic law prohibits--"  
  
"Gonna break that law," grinned Fred.  
  
Ctlmmrt shuddered. To take over a nation was possible--  
in fact, rather simple. But the world--  
  
No WONDER things were going wrong.   
  
She wasn't bound to a loser after all. She was bound to an   
idiot. And she couldn't get away from him.  
  
"Oh, nice dress, by the way. The pink lace and the yellow   
ribbon go nice together," added Fred.  
  
An insensitive idiot at that. Why her?  
  
####  
  
Kasumi paused. There had to be at least twenty of the things.  
Ugly as sin, and not nearly as moral. She'd faced challenges  
in her life, before, but this was likely to be the biggest ever.  
  
Didn't matter. She was the best at what she did.  
  
She grinned, flexed her fists, and popped her claws.  
  
And in a downright feral tone, murmured, "Oh, my..."  
  
Because what she did was...  
  
####  
  
"What are those idiots DOING?!?"  
  
Llshyq was boggled herself. "I... I think they are having a tea  
party with a mutant?"  
  
####  
  
...Was make people feel right at home.  
  
"Another cup of tea, Minion-san?"  
  
The faceless minion nodded. So did a few others.  
  
"Glad ya like it. My own blend, y'know. You guys ain't bad for  
a bunch of faceless creeps-- no offense intended, but that doesn't  
seem like much of a way to live your lives."  
  
A squealing grunt.  
  
"Oh, really? Guess you ain't exactly alive at that. Glad ya   
accepted my invite though... would have hated to have to dice you   
guys up, but you know how it is."  
  
Nods. And a pack of ferocious faceless minions went back to   
their tea cookies. One got slapped upside the head by another for   
forgetting to use the doily.  
  
####  
  
"Infiltration team one, are you in position?"  
  
Infiltration Team One was Kuno and Gosunkugi, chosen because  
if there were two people who were known for getting into places where  
they were not meant to be, it was Indiana Jones and James Bond.   
"Team One ready," Gosunkugi drawled in his now cultured tones. "All  
we have to do is figure out how... will contact as soon as   
determination is made."  
  
"We should have KNOWN his base was here," sighed Kuno.  
  
"Rather agree with you there, old chap," nodded Gosunkugi.  
  
It was changed, as most of Nerima was. Taller, spikier, gothic  
as all Hell (in an almost literal sense), it looked like a cross   
between a Universal Studios Dracula castle and something out of Demon  
City Shinjuku with a fair amount of Vampire Hunter D tossed in for   
seasoning.   
  
But it was still recognizable as Furinkan High School.  
  
"The problem we have, Professor Kuno, is how exactly we are to   
get up to that top window. Hmm... let me see what I actually have  
here..."  
  
Kuno's patience was wearing thin. His fists began to clench  
in frustration, his eyebrows knit. Idly he fingered a whip in one   
hand and a bokken in the other. "I still say that we should just go  
into the front door."  
  
"That's for the heavy assault people, old chap. We're supposed  
to be taking the high route. Now, how do we get up there..."  
  
Kuno leaned over to complain. He should have watched his elbow.  
  
CLICK.  
  
"WHAAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHEIIIIIEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Gosunkugi watched the now rocketing Kuno, who had accidentally  
triggered the ejection seat. "Not quite how I would have done it,   
but it seems to be working..."  
  
Kuno's opinion was different. After the few obligatory  
thoughts of "I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die", Jones-type  
instincts took over. Almost without thought his bullwhip snaked  
out at the peak of his flight, snagging the arcane looking spire that  
had grown out of the belltower. Easily he swung over to the   
belltower-- and smashed into the side full-face.  
  
After a quiet "Ite", he found a rope in the tower and lowered  
it to the secret agent below. He then helped said agent up, dusted  
himself off, and hit Gosunkugi with his bokken, snarling, "Why didn't  
you TELL me you had one of those things?"  
  
"OW! Stop that, and you didn't ask! Now, we have a mission!"  
  
Kuno glowered, but nodded. The two infiltrators proceeded  
into the halls of the enemy.  
  
####  
  
Infiltration Team Two was based on technological capability.  
That meant Ranma and her hardsuit sensors, Akane and her Mercury  
tech, and Mousse and Nabiki as added firepower. In other words,  
they were doing the noisy entrance bit.  
  
"Scanning doors. Hmm... some sort of energy field, but my   
sensor arrays aren't giving me an ID. Damn, why didn't anyone dress  
as Nene? I could have used the interpretation..."  
  
"It wouldn't have worked, Ranma. My visor shows that this is   
actually magical in nature, and you're probably only picking up the  
residual atmospheric effects resulting in a low level static   
electrical charge."  
  
The other three stared at Akane and chorused, "Huh?"  
  
"Never mind, it's... Where'd Luna-P go?"  
  
"I haven't seen him since we passed Ucchan's..." noted Nabiki.  
  
Akane started to look worried. "I hope he's all right, he's not  
used to being a cat or actually thinking..."  
  
"I agree with both," Ranma consoled, happy that the   
pseudo-Senshi couldn't see her wild smirk under her helmet.  
  
Mousse suddenly stiffened, and wheeled about-- and froze. "I do  
NOT believe this."  
  
For there was Luna-P, speeding down the street, followed by a   
HUGE pack of girls dressed in the distinct junior high-school  
sailor fukus of the fictional Juuban Junior High. In fact, there  
were even a few guys in the boys uniforms of the same series, looking  
slightly confused, and sporting new and eccentric hairstyles.  
  
"Okay, Mister Meow, what's going on and where have you been?"  
demanded Ranma.  
  
"It was WIERD! We got about a block from Kuno's when I saw this  
girl looking confused and I KNEW that one of those pens was for her!  
So I hopped off Ranma's cycle and-- I couldn't stop myself!  
  
"And it kept happening! Over and over and over-- couldn't  
go three feet without hitting another one! There's even about a   
dozen GUYS who are probably going to pull a Starlight! I didn't  
even KNOW I had those headsets! There were also another thirty-three  
guys who I passed roses to, but they all said they'd be there when  
the time was right. I think it's a Kamen thing."  
  
Ranma looked at the pack of schoolgirls (She recognized  
Miss Hinako with her hair in rabbit-style Odangos and shivered)  
and schoolboys, and shook her head. "All right, you're under   
Mercury's command. As soon as we figure out how to get in."  
  
"Solved," Akane said. "It requires a precise application  
of magical energy and kinetic force applied simultaneously."  
  
"And how do we do that?" asked Mousse.  
  
"Simple, really," replied Akane.  
  
Then she raised her hand together, went into a sort of twirling  
dance, while water collected from nowhere to form--  
  
"Naw, it can't be," moaned Ranma.  
  
But it was.  
  
"MERCURY ICE MALLET!"  
  
And as advertised, a HUGE hammer made of sub-zero water SLAMMED  
into the front gates of Furinkan High, reducing them into powder.  
  
"Mercury Ice Mallet?" said Nabiki, disbelieving.  
  
"It was effective," replied Akane.  
  
"Mercury Ice _Mallet_ ?" Mousse added, in shock.  
  
"Look, it was perfectly simple, and satisfied the criteria  
for entry--"  
  
"MERCURY ICE MALLET???" Ranma demanded.  
  
"If you LIKE, I can show you again!" Akane said with some of her  
old asperity. "It worked. Let's get inside."  
  
"After we get past them," noted Nabiki. Them being a flood of   
Faceless Minions.  
  
A LOT of Faceless Minions.  
  
Like, five hundred or so. Fred may not have been able to do   
what he'd originally planned to do, but there was no faulting his   
ability to churn out Faceless Minions. Rita and Zedd would be   
envious.  
  
Before Ranma could even note that with all the firepower  
they had there were just too many she was cut off by a sudden   
simultaneous chant of--  
  
"Sol/  
Sun/  
Earth/  
Terra/  
Gaia/  
Io/  
Callisto/  
Fill In any known Moon/  
Fixer Star/  
Smoocher Star/  
Eater Star/  
Arcturus/  
Sirius/  
Ludicrous/  
Ceres/  
Athena/  
Hephasteus/  
Small Inoffensive Asteroid Without Even A Name Just A Number  
But It Is Technically A Heavenly Body So it MUST have A Senshi/  
Power--"  
  
And the team covered their ears (except Ranma, who cut in her   
helmet audio dampers) to survive the thunderous cry of-  
  
"MAKE UP!"  
  
It was a good thing that they were all-- technically--  
girls there, because some hundred simultaneous near-nude henshins  
would have sent any male into shock and a nosebleed.  
  
Wait, there was a male there.  
  
Akane carried the stunned Luna-P inside, wondering where the   
cat's nosebleed and shock had come from.  
  
Meanwhile, a huge pack of Sailor Senshi (and about a dozen   
Starlights clones) happily went Faceless Minion bashing.  
  
####  
  
"What is THIS?"  
  
"Um... looks like your castle guard being attacked by about a   
hundred cheerleaders."  
  
"Never mind. No one can actually get inside."  
  
####  
  
Inside, Kuno and Gosunkugi were making their way to the back   
doors of the mutated school.  
  
There had been some complications. Well, actually there had   
been a downright silly number of deathtraps.  
  
Elegant trigger mechanisms, cunningly concealed tripwires,  
complex puzzles requiring fluency in Sanskrit-- both written and   
spoken-- and the occasional hidden bottomless pit all fell victim  
to the skills of Indiana Kuno.  
  
"It's too easy," said the aforementioned kendoist/archeologist.  
"These are snaps."  
  
"You have a definition of 'snap' that I suspect isn't shared  
by the rest of the human race," said Gosunkugi, sweating a bit.  
  
"Look, this clown is supposed to be some evil mastermind,  
right? You'd think he'd set at least ONE trap that would challenge  
the Blue Thunder."  
  
Gosunkugi paused. "Um... I rather hate to bring this up, but   
isn't it something of a tradition in the Indiana Jones movies that  
at least once a trap will be set off and apparent certain death is   
imminent?"  
  
At that moment, distracted by Gosunkugi's question, Kuno stepped  
an a nearly invisible trigger-stone.  
  
CLANG! went the iron portcullises that trapped them in the   
corridor.  
  
GRIND! went the walls as they began to close in.  
  
"OUCH!" went the not-so-secret-agent as Kuno began swatting  
him, snarling, "You HAD to bring that up, didn't you?"  
  
####  
  
Infiltration Team Three was the people with sharp pointy things.  
Well, Ukyo, Konatsu, Soun and Genma the Swashbuckling Panda were   
using sharp pointy things. Nodoka was using a lightsaber, which is   
neither sharp nor pointy but still has a similar effect.  
  
The Faceless Minions were doing a very good imitation of a   
lawn. That is to say, they were being mowed down.  
  
A couple of bystanders were watching with hearts rolling around  
in their eyes, two girls that hadn't been changed into something  
dangerous. No, they were perfect ordinary Macross type bridge   
bunnies.  
  
"He's so... dashing."  
  
"Yeah... I've never seen anyone so romantic and agile..."  
  
"What a man!"  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"You know, technically he's a panda."  
  
"I'm not prejudiced."  
  
####  
  
"Damn!"  
  
"We're going to die, aren't we?"  
  
"Damn!"  
  
"You can't think of a way to stop this?"  
  
"Well, if I had a one centimeter cube of impact triggered  
plastic explosive, I could! But where the hell would I get that?"  
  
"Why didn't you say so?"  
  
With that, Gosunkugi removed his cufflinks, broke them, and   
began to knead the goo inside together...  
  
####  
  
Team Four was pretty much whoever was left over. Rather than  
infiltration, they were to create as much of a distraction as   
possible.  
  
With Yuka and Sayuri blowing things up in the schoolyard,  
Daisuke and Hiroshi tossing Hadokens like they were going out of   
style, and Shampoo casually wreaking havoc with her swarm of tiny   
bonbori, distraction was, as happens so often in these chronicles,  
an inadequate term.  
  
It didn't hurt that about a hundred Sailor Senshi, a dozen   
Starlights, a pack of howling cowboys, a half dozen neo-Amazons,  
three Mospeada riders, one esper, and various samurai, sentai heroes,  
and whatever else could possibly be thrown into the mix were all   
going to town on the Faceless Minions. From time to time a rose   
would fly in from nowhere.  
  
All these people were having lots of fun. In fact, in the ward  
of Nerima, almost everyone was having lots of fun. About the only  
exceptions to the having lots of fun was a certain wizard and his   
servant demon.  
  
####  
  
Speaking of which, the not-having fun wizard was trying   
desparately to figure out exactly where his brilliant plan had gone  
wrong.  
  
"What IS this? Nerima is supposed to be a pinnacle of peaceful  
living and mild mannered people!"  
  
"Ah, great and terrible master," Zmsrrt asked uncertainly,  
"Just how do you know this information?"  
  
Fred tapped on a book. "It's a guidebook to Japan. Bought  
it off Amazon.com, like my other books. That's why I didn't attack  
that Amazon village like I'd planned at first. See? Nerima--  
a pinnacle of-- " Fred flipped a page-- "Peaceful living and mild   
mannered people. It says so right here!"  
  
Wpptfhr looked at the text and frowned. "Um... Dread and   
powerful lord, I think two pages are stuck together here."  
  
Fred blinked. "Hmm... you're right. Let's see... Oh, damn."  
  
"What does it say now?"  
  
In a shaky voice, Fred read aloud, "Nerima-- a pinnacle of   
lunacy and chaos only rivaled by-- well, actually, we don't know   
anything it's rivaled by. Highest per-capita concentration  
of super-powerful martial artists on Earth. Highest per-capita  
concentration of just plain but insanely skilled martial artist on   
Earth. Highest per-capita concentration of martial artists that   
practice martial arts that no sane person would even contemplate  
learning.  
  
"Known for exceedingly numerous incidents involving long lost  
magical items (See-- Tendo Dojo, Nekohanten), magical princes   
seeking brides (See-- Tendo Dojo), unexpected property damage(See--  
Tendo Dojo, Furinkan High School), unusual marriage complications  
(See-- Tendo Dojo, Furinkan High School), paranormal events that   
defy belief (See-- Tendo Dojo), shapeshifting martial artists of   
really ridiculous power (See-- Tendo Dojo, Nekohanten, Furinkan  
High School, Chicago), and nearly certain failure for any wizard  
who is so damn stupid as to try to attempt to use this area as a   
staging point to try to take over the world ( See-- Oh, hell, you   
know by now)..."  
  
Fred paused, and took on a thoughtful expression. "You know,  
it's just barely possible that this choice of venue might have been  
somewhat ill advised."  
  
"Ill-- THAT'S it, I'm OUTTA here! My contract doesn't cover  
sheer insane stupidity! Ignoring Cosmic Law, that's one thing, but  
THIS-- Freddy boy, you are on your OWN!"  
  
With that, the kawaii demon went poof. No way was she going  
to suffer any more at the hands of this moron. The worst that could  
happen to her in the Hells for breach of contract was a few millennia  
of agonizing torture and tentacle duty. As far as SHE was concerned,  
that was preferable to this... this baka.  
  
(Actually, she was commended for her good sense and given a   
cushy desk job cataloguing youma. Hell may be evil, but it ain't  
stupid.)  
  
####  
  
Meanwhile, back with the Dynamic Duo...  
  
"I can't believe you had plastic explosives in your cufflinks."  
  
"Standard equipment, really. Oh, and slinging that cube with  
the tip of your whip into just the right place was inspired, if I may  
say so."  
  
"Aw, think nothing of it. Just another triumph for the Blue   
Thunder, y'know. Hmm... now, assuming he follows the normal plans  
of the typical world-conquering wizard..."  
  
"He should be that way."  
  
"I'm impressed, Gosunkugi. An archeologist would know that--  
well, the kind I am, but why would a secret agent?"  
  
"A secret agent wouldn't. A practitioner of the Dark Art of   
Voodoo, however..."  
  
"Point taken. Let's go."  
  
And they did.  
  
####  
  
In an effort to initiate crowd control, Team Four was doused  
by Faceless Minions with waterhoses. This had no effect, really,  
except to make everyone rather angry and redouble their efforts  
to cause major chaos.  
  
Except in the case of Shampoo, who vanished into her Juraian  
robes. For a moment, there was no movement, and then a bedraggled  
cat-sized mass began to move to the neck opening.  
  
It was white with pinkish-purple highlights, as expected.  
That was all that was expected, though.  
  
"That's not a cat, is it?" asked Daisuke from in between   
Hadokens.  
  
"Don't know what it is, personally," said Hiroshi during a set  
up for a particularly vicious Shoryuken.  
  
"I do," commented Sayuri, tossing a Bloody Card and taking down  
three Faceless Minions. "Maybe this can help us."  
  
Yuka just kept shooting things. She was getting WAY too deep  
into her role.  
  
And Shampoo looked up with a pitiful "Miyaaaa..."  
  
####  
  
Inside the main corridor of the school Team Two met up with Team  
Three. "You guys all right?" asked Ranma.  
  
"Fine," replied Nodoka. "We're all fine."  
  
Indeed, rarely have I felt better! Such a great adventure  
revitalizes one, eh, Tendo?  
  
The OTHER swashbuckler nodded at the impeccably calligraphed  
sign. "Certes, could any adventure do otherwise? Especially  
in a noble cause such as this!"  
  
Akane stared.  
  
"The only thing I have any problem with," continued Nodoka,  
"Is all those girls making eyes at my husband. If it weren't for the  
Jedi Code, I'd--"  
  
Forbear to condemn the young, Fair Lady, 'tis little that the  
heart of a maid can do save a pretty blush and a wistful smile. Know  
you flip well that ne'er would I betray you, dearest heart.  
  
Nodoka blushed herself.  
  
"You think we can keep at least our fathers the way they are   
after this?" whispered Akane.  
  
"Somehow, I doubt it. But it's worth a thought..." replied  
Ranma.  
  
"So, do we take him down now?" asked Ukyo.  
  
Ranma nodded. "Team Nerima-- SANJO!"  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"Why did you say that?" asked Mousse.  
  
There was another pause.  
  
"I... have no idea."  
  
####  
  
Fred stared at the empty space where his demon no-longer-servant  
had been. Things were falling apart far too fast for him to adjust.  
It was almost as though the universe itself was conspiring against  
him.  
  
Could there, after all, actually BE something to that Cosmic  
Law stuff? Was there actually some enigmatic force that denied his  
natural right to become the god he knew that he was destined to be?  
Did the possibility exist that he might actually fail?  
  
Nahhhh. Couldn't be.  
  
It wasn't as though anyone could actually GET to him, after   
all... his arcane shields were impenetrable. In fact, the only thing  
that could cause them to breach would be a focused impact of combined  
magical and kinetic force delivered simultaneously.  
  
"MERCURY ICE MALLET!"  
  
Whoomp.  
  
Fred staggered as the last of his shields crumbled. The psychic  
backlash was excruciating. And then he saw them. As motley a crew  
as he could have ever imagined-- more than he was actually capable  
of imagining, in fact.  
  
Fred began to back up, realizing that things were getting WAY   
out of hand. "Look, I don't know who you are, but it's impolite  
to interrupt a wizard when he's trying to conquer the earth. I'd   
always heard that the Japanese were polite people..."  
  
The armored figure strode to the front of the pack. "You have  
got to be kidding. You think we're gonna just let you barge in and  
rewrite our reality? Mister, you are in for a world of hurt. Two or  
three in fact."  
  
"Only if you can catch me!" Fred dashed to his secret escape  
door-- a standard for every well-stocked evil world conquering  
wizard-- and froze as it opened on a dashing fellow in a tuxedo with  
a Walther PPK and a scruffy type with a sixgun and a big stick.  
  
"How... How did you..."  
  
"Pal, right now the Blue Thunder ain't in the mood for your   
questions. My friend here's got a licence to kill, and I at the   
least got the right to maim severely."  
  
"Now LOOK," protested Fred, "This is just plain silly! Even if  
there IS something like Cosmic Law, it doesn't work like THIS!   
There's supposed to be some sort of dramatic confrontation,  
not dogpile on the wizard!"   
  
"Dogpile on the wizard. Sounds just fine to ME, by Crom," noted  
Konatsu.  
  
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.  
  
"You DO realize that your actions are both dishonorable  
and unmanly," Nodoka commented.  
  
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.  
  
"Such ill actions may not be ignored, foul caitiff!" Soun   
proclaimed.  
  
Indeed, thy punishment is inevitable! signed   
Genma-Swashbuckling-Panda.  
  
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.  
  
"For your crimes against the people of this ward, I will punish  
you in the name of Nerima!" Akane speechified.  
  
"I want to HURT him," Nabiki snarled.  
  
"I think we get the point, Nabiki," muttered Ranma.  
  
Fred began to sweat profusely. Even accepting Cosmic Law, he   
would have expected at the most two, maybe three heroes. But this  
was...  
  
A giant pink crystalline spike slammed through the wall with a   
grating crash and a thunderous "MIYAAAAAA!" In a glitter of light,  
two Street Fighters, two Lovely Angels, and about fifty of the Legion  
of Substitute Senshi appeared.  
  
As for the guys in tuxedos with the roses, who KNEW where they'd  
come from?  
  
"TOLD you she could do it. Where's the wizard?" asked Sayuri.  
  
Fred began to panic. This was INSANE! SAURON hadn't had THIS  
kind of hassles! He had to do something fast... Ah.  
  
And Fred began patented Evil Laugh #27-- I Have A Card Up My   
Sleeve, Cretinous Fools.  
  
"I still have a card up my sleeve, cretinous fools!" Fred said,  
redundantly. "Face your deepest fears!"  
  
The words that Fred said came out very fast-- too fast to stop.  
They were in a language that no-one had heard in millennia. And a   
darkness crept into every mind there...   
  
For all save one, the Deepest Fear wasn't a clear image.   
Instead it was a vague, amorphous thing, crawling up from the psyche  
like a sickly banana slug from a well filled with decaying moss.   
No-one could then, nor ever would be able to afterwards, put that   
experience in words. For what you think is your deepest fear is   
nothing next to that which lies within the hidden corners of the   
soul.  
  
For all save one.  
  
Fred smiled, darkly, as the massed defenders collapsed,  
gibbering. A dangerous spell, since he could also have been caught,  
but he'd done THIS one right. Now... odd. The one in armor wasn't  
writhing in horror on the ground, but... crouching?  
  
"Meow."  
  
Of course, sufficient trauma at an early enough age can   
overwrite what normal human instinct defaults to as a deepest fear.  
And the fear spell had gone straight past the Priss overlay into the  
pure, unadulterated Ranma.  
  
"PFFFFST!!"  
  
The Neko-Ken is a fearsome, almost unstoppable technique.  
  
The Neko-Ken in a hardsuit is just plain ludicrous.  
  
Fred barely teleported away alive.  
  
####  
  
When Ranma came to her senses, the throne room was a wreck.  
The others were standing, or kneeling, looking sick.  
  
"Amulet this is. Honors do, Ranma?"  
  
Ranma raised her visor, and looked at Cologne. "What... what  
happened?"  
  
"Neko-ken it was, although cats there were not. Amulet this is.  
Know you do what must be done."  
  
Ranma nodded. And then raised a railgun, and aimed...  
  
####  
  
Like a rubber band that had been stretched a bit to far, and   
then released, reality snapped back with a vengeance.  
  
####  
  
Ranma finished her second rendition of "Konya Wa Hurricane"  
to applause, and stepped off the stage. For a moment, she had a   
strange feeling of Deja Vu, but it didn't last. She just went back  
to the party.  
  
Reality had done it's best to return to normal, but there were  
a few minor discrepancies.  
  
Gosunkugi wondered where his cufflinks had gone.  
  
Shampoo had the strangest desire for carrots.  
  
Akane was considering taking Computer Science as an elective  
next term.  
  
Ukyo kept suppressing the urge to yodel.  
  
Kodachi wasn't sure why or how she was bound and gagged, but she  
wasn't happy.  
  
Kuno decided to subscribe to Archeology Today.  
  
At the Nekohanten, Mousse found himself thumbing through a gun  
magazine.  
  
Cologne was trying to figure out WHY she was looking at the   
Crystal of Leng Khao. Well, couldn't have been important...  
  
At Ucchan's, Konatsu was contemplating quaffing an ale. He   
wasn't certain what quaffing was, but it sounded good.  
  
Back at the dojo, Kasumi wondered why she had this bad tobacco  
taste in her mouth.  
  
####  
  
And in Pillow Creek, Minnesota... or Michigan... or wherever  
the magical town had decided to relocate this week...  
  
"We ain't too happy with you, Fred. Did you think we wouldn't  
have sensed such a disruption?"  
  
"You got that right, Paulie. We're gettin' a bit tired of your  
antics."  
  
Fred looked at his fellow townspeople, and quailed. "Aw, come  
on, guys... I didn't mean nothing by it..."  
  
"No use, Fred. You got to be punished. Earl?"  
  
"You got it."  
  
Fred whimpered. "No, not after that crazy meowing girl, not   
that..."  
  
"FRED NO BAKA!"  
  
WHAM!  
  
"Hey, Earl, what was that?"  
  
"Been taking Japanese lessons. Means Fred's an idiot, but has  
more impact, you see?"  
  
"Oh. Sounds about right to me..."  
  
  
####  
  
Author's note:  
  
Sorry to all those who wanted me to make some weird permanent  
changes in the cast... but that was never my intention. Besides,  
that would have been silly. Well, the wrong kind of silly, IMNSHO.  
  
It's taken a while to finish this chapter-- after about six or   
seven false starts describing a long, dramatic battle against a   
powerful wizard, I realized that I was writing Girl Days, not Hearts  
of Ice. (Which I love, BTW. Perry-san, hurry up! ^_^) So I went  
for my usual string of pointless but amusing (hopefully) gags.  
  
Hope it worked.  
  
Kenko/Robert 


	16. Girl Days Part 14

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(Disclaimer, datclaimer, what's the diff?)  
  
Part Fourteen : The World's... WORST?!? (Or, the Obligatory  
Annoying New Character Bit)  
  
####  
  
He walked through the rain-swept streets of Nerima like a person  
walking through the rain-swept streets of Nerima. He wasn't   
competent enough to do something suitably dramatic.  
  
He tried to shake off the water that was running down his collar  
and failed. He tried to clean off the mud that had collected  
on the hem of his tattered raincoat and failed. He tried to add two  
and two and failed, but he'd come dangerously close to success.  
  
That frightened him. He'd almost got four, and was barely able  
to steer it to three. Must be using five too much.  
  
Kenchuro Tojo was very careful never to succeed.  
  
It was, after all, the core of his Martial Art.  
  
And he was on the way to the Tendo Dojo, where he hoped to find  
the most gloriously humiliating defeat of his career.  
  
He wasn't aware that things never quite worked out the way they  
were supposed to in Nerima.  
  
####  
  
As for the star of these chronicles, she was having a fight.  
Of course, there's nothing unusual about that. The reason, however,  
was peculiar even to her.  
  
"Dammit, Mousse, this is stupid!"  
  
"I will NEVER forgive you for this transgression against   
Shampoo, Saotome!"  
  
"WHAT transgression? Is it MY fault that Shampoo isn't   
comfortable in jeans? Is it MY fault that I can wear them and she   
can't?"  
  
"Mousse no get jealous of Ranma! Shampoo no care if Ranma look  
better in jeans!"  
  
"HE HAS NO RIGHT TO LOOK BETTER THAN YOU IN ANYTHING!"  
  
Just in case it hasn't occurred to any of the honored readers,  
Mousse subscribed to very much the same school of logic as Ryoga   
Hibiki and Tatewaki Kuno. Thus the following--  
  
Shampoo had said, idly, that she wished she could wear jeans  
when Ranma had dropped by for a snack and to pick up some notes on   
herbs that Cologne had made for her Amazon training. Ranma had asked  
why she couldn't, and Shampoo had replied that she never really felt  
comfortable in pants that weren't light-- hence her usual silk   
pantsuits.  
  
Ranma had nodded, and Shampoo had joked that Ranma looked better  
in jeans than she did anyhow. Mousse had heard this, and had   
objected to the idea that ANYONE looked better than Shampoo in   
ANYTHING.  
  
Ranma had intended to stay out of the argument for once, but   
Shampoo, annoyed at Mousse for interrupting, had gone on to say that  
Ranma DID look MUCH better in jeans, and in fact jeans made Shampoo  
look too wide in the bottom anyhow, and anyway it was none of   
Mousse's business if Ranma had a better butt for jeans.  
  
This led to the inevitable confrontation, consisting of Mousse  
trying to kill Ranma for looking good in a pair of snug Levis, Ranma  
trying very hard not to get killed by Mousse and also trying to keep  
said Levis in one piece (They are quite expensive in Japan), and   
Shampoo trying to wallop a infuriated Mousse.   
  
Although Ranma couldn't for the life of her figure out how the  
fight had moved to the Tendo courtyard. Except that fights did that  
a lot.  
  
"Is SHE right now, stupid Mousse! Shampoo's butt not Mousse's  
concern anyhow! Shampoo proud of Ranma in jeans!"  
  
"You ain't helpin', Shampoo!" yelled Ranma, tossing proper   
ladylike grammar to the winds as she tended to do when attacked  
by homicidal chainwielding semi-blind transducks.  
  
This was, of course, pretty much the kind of scene that Akane  
would walk in on. Nowadays, she tried to make sense of things before  
assigning blame. It didn't always work.  
  
After all, screams of "Die Saotome" and "It's not LIKE that!"  
weren't unusual. In fact, she'd gotten inured to them, somewhat.  
  
Counter-screams of "Ranma have BEST butt!" were somewhat less  
explicable.  
  
"What is going ON here?" demanded Akane.  
  
"Stupid Mousse not accept that Ranma have better butt than   
Shampoo!"  
  
"It's a lie! No butt is nicer than Shampoo's, and I will punish  
this worm for saying so!"  
  
"I NEVER said that! SHE said that! I don't boast about my   
butt!"  
  
"Ranma should! Have great butt in both forms!"  
  
"YOU AIN'T HELPING!"  
  
"What are you talking about, Shampoo?" asked a now completely  
befuddled Akane.  
  
"Girl-type Ranma have best butt! So do boy-type!"  
  
"Are there no end to your perversions, Saotome?" demanded  
Mousse. "Now you have her convinced that your male butt is better  
than hers also!"  
  
"Shampoo not talk about HER butt with boy-type! Talk about   
stupid MOUSSE'S butt!"  
  
"YOU DARE CLAIM TO HAVE A NICER BUTT THAN ME? DIE, SAOTOME!"  
  
"YOU REALLY AIN'T HELPING, SHAMPOO!"  
  
Not too long ago, Akane would have assumed that this was Ranma's  
fault. She knew that it wasn't always the case now. It was just one  
of those things.  
  
One of those things that only happened, it seemed, to Ranma.  
  
Although butt arguments weren't something that leapt to mind as  
a reason for a fight. Then again, this WAS Nerima, and it WAS Ranma,  
who attracted fights the way a car accident attracted cheap lawyers.  
  
"Oh... Well, when you're done with Mousse, can you help me with  
my Home Ec homework? I have to make a bento for tomorrow's test."  
  
"So do I-- if I can keep duck-boy from wrecking these jeans!  
Dammit, they're borrowed!"  
  
(So, that's what's taking her so long,) mused Akane. "Oh, well,  
I'll be back in a second."  
  
"Liar! You fear me, that's why you're dodging my blows!"  
  
"Fear you? Not likely! These are Nabiki's jeans, and I don't  
wanna have to pay for them!"  
  
"What a pitiful excuse for quack!"  
  
Akane stood in the doorway with her now empty bucket. "Shampoo,  
would you take Mousse home until he calms down?"  
  
"Shampoo glad to. Come on, stupid duck."  
  
"Quack! Quack quack qu-quack!"  
  
As the two Amazon teens (or rather, one Amazon and a Peking  
Duck) left, Akane asked, curiously, "I don't suppose you can explain  
what THAT was all about?"  
  
"No. You don't. I can't. 'Cause I'm not really certain   
myself."  
  
####  
  
Kenchuro Tojo approached the Tendo residence, and peered at the  
sign that requested challengers to the Dojo to knock at the back   
door. He wasn't trying to challenge the dojo as such-- just one   
person in it-- so Kenchuro decided to announce his presence in   
another fashion.  
  
First, he set up a small but quite colorful remote controlled  
fireworks display. He then changed into his fighting uniform and   
pulled out a bullhorn.  
  
"ATTENTION TENDO DOJO! I WISH TO CHALLENGE THE REDOUBTABLE  
RANMA SAOTOME TO A BOUT! IN HONOR OF THIS MATCH, I WILL SING 'THE  
YELLOW ROSE OF TEXAS' IN LITHUANIAN WHILE DOING AN IRISH JIG!"   
  
This was, of course, completely the wrong way to go about   
issuing a challenge. Especially at three o'clock in the morning.  
  
After setting off the fireworks, which for some reason made a   
picture of a potato, Kenchuro went into his performance. He sang off  
key, used the wrong tune, and mistranslated the lyrics anyway. What  
he called an Irish Jig was closer to Appalachian Clog Dancing,  
and didn't look right in what he considered a fighting outfit.   
  
Ranma, thankful that this was a night she could wear pajamas,  
dragged on a robe and went downstairs to see what the hell was going  
on, followed by the rest of the household. Excepting Genma, who   
could sleep through the end of the world if he wasn't being directly  
attacked or offered food.  
  
She opened the door and stared at what seemed to be someone  
in a pink gorilla outfit having some sort of spasm.  
  
"Not happening. Dream. Gotta be. Too stupid not to be." She  
turned to drag herself back to her waiting, friendly futon.  
  
"Hey, where are you going? I haven't finished my challenge  
ritual yet!" complained the pink gorilla.  
  
"Like Ranma said," muttered Nabiki. "We're going back to bed,  
mister stupid dream. And that's the tune to the William Tell   
Overture anyhow."  
  
"Hey, wait-- aren't you going to respond to my challenge  
with a flurry of athletic violence?"  
  
"Don't have to," yawned Akane. "Neighbors'll do jus' fine."  
Without a further word, the assembled Tendos and Saotomes went back  
to bed.   
  
Kenchuro stared in shock. Normally, his patented ritual would  
start a fight right then and there.  
  
As the neighbors suddenly descended on him with various kitchen  
tools and implements of damage, he realized that it had PARTLY   
worked.  
  
####  
  
"Damn, what a weird dream I had last night." Ranma yawned at   
the breakfast table.  
  
"Me too," nodded Nabiki.  
  
"Oh, you also? Mine was very strange also. I don't often have  
silly dreams, though."  
  
Akane yawned herself. "Kasumi, it can't be anything like the   
one I had about a pink gorilla."  
  
There was a crack of chopsticks snapping all around as everyone  
but Genma stared at Akane. Then a storm of questions.  
  
"Dancing pink gorilla?"  
  
"You call that dancing?"  
  
"A fiery potato?"  
  
"Oh, man, it WASN'T a dream," sighed Ranma. "There's a new   
idiot in town."  
  
Nodoka stared at her daughter/son. "Ranma, someone like that  
is something beyond idiot. That person had to be stranger than that  
Tsubasa boy or your principal."  
  
"I don't suppose you remember doing anything to get a pink   
gorilla angry at you, do you?' asked Nabiki, wondering what sort of   
odds to set-- or if anyone would bother betting on this.  
  
"I don't remember a pink gorilla period. I'm pretty certain  
there's no Spring of Drowned Talking Pink Gorilla at Jyusenkyo.  
I have seen some pretty weird things, but that was the all time top  
contender."  
  
"It isn't your fault, Ranma. I know it isn't," decided Akane.  
"Something that silly can't be ANYONES fault. Dancing pink gorillas  
challenging you to a fight at three AM is too stupid for anyone."  
  
"Can't see how I missed that one," mumbled Genma from around  
a mouthful of pickled turnips. "Was it a good fight, at least?"  
  
"I didn't fight it, I just went back to bed. I wonder who--"  
  
Genma choked for a moment, and then coughed up the pickle.  
"You-- you refused a challenge?"  
  
"Challenge my butt! I thought it was a really stupid dream!"  
  
"Even in your dreams, boy--"  
  
"Girl," corrected Nodoka.  
  
"Whatever! You NEVER refuse a challenge!"  
  
"Dancing pink gorillas with bad singing voices and vegetable  
themed fireworks displays does not constitute a challenge, pops!   
Especially not at three o'clock in the morning on a school night!  
If you want a fight, YOU accept the challenge, a panda and a gorilla  
would make a perfect match!"  
  
"I'd pay to see that," Akane murmured.  
  
"I'd sell tickets to it," added Nabiki.  
  
"Oh, my... if Gorilla-san comes back and presents a proper   
challenge... I shall have to get some bananas in case," Kasumi   
decided.  
  
Soun sat quietly, so confused by the discovery that last night's  
dream hadn't been one he neglected to weep.  
  
And Nodoka realized that the probability of her ever really  
catching up to the strangeness that permeated Ranma's life was   
growing more and more infinitesimal day by day...  
  
####  
  
Ranma had one of her bad feelings on the way to school that   
morning. As she glided along the fencerail, Akane following closely,  
she was keeping an eye out for pink gorillas.  
  
Thus, she failed at first to see Kuno preparing yet another  
monument to Romance and Stupidity.  
  
"Ranma, what do you think that is?" Akane inquired, pointing  
at a large tarpaulin covered object.  
  
"Search me. Could be anything. Maybe it's a hidden gorilla.  
Think we should check it out?"  
  
"Um... no?"  
  
"Good answer. Probably the loony principal's latest idea."  
  
"What makes you say that?"  
  
Ranma pointed to a packing crate that read "Hawaii". "Feminine  
intuition?"  
  
"Very cute. Well, lets get to class."  
  
####  
  
Tatewaki Kuno grinned, knowing that his heartfelt tribute to the  
beauty and charm of his twin loves would surely win them to his side  
and away from the foul blandishments of the sorcerer Saotome.   
  
Blandishments. He liked that word. It had a majestic ring to   
it.   
  
He wasn't exactly certain what it meant, but it had a majestic  
ring.  
  
At lunchtime, his destiny would be assured.  
  
For once, he was right.  
  
####  
  
The Helpers and their charge (Ranma) were performing the usual  
swap unusual varieties of food game that they had gotten into the   
habit of playing at lunch. Even the non-martial artists were   
performing, trying to bring something unusual to trade. So as   
Hiroshi produced some American style spare-ribs left over from the   
previous evening (his father had discovered the wonders of the   
barbecue) and Daisuke supplied extra hot korean-style pickled cabbage  
(You know, kimchi), Sayuri had made genuine lemonade and Yuka was   
shaking a oversize thermos of hot rice chowder.  
  
The simple bento box of rice, pickles, and some leftover fish  
that was traditional was for this gang way in the past.  
  
Speaking of rice, Akane had finally mastered that particular  
staple. In fact, she had bought three extra boxes of it. (Quality  
she'd mastered. Quantity she had yet to get a handle on, and   
accidentally made either twice as much as needed or half as much as   
necessary. Kasumi quietly took care of half as much, and with Ranma  
and Genma, no-one ever noticed twice as much.)  
  
"This rice yellow," Shampoo said doubtfully.  
  
"Hey, it's something Akane discovered by accident, but it's   
pretty good. She added a bouillon cube." Ranma returned to her   
yellowish rice.  
  
"It was a lucky accident, really," Akane added. "A couple fell  
in the water, but it makes a nice chicken flavor. Just for a   
change."  
  
"Isn't a bad taste, sugar. A bit different, but not bad," Ukyo  
noted. It made perfect sense to her that Akane would cook something  
new, different, and tasty by accident.  
  
"What's that big thing under the canvas?" wondered Yuka.  
  
"Ranma figures it's something from the principal, because of the  
crates from Hawaii," replied Akane.  
  
"But isn't the idiot still laid up with that broken ankle?"  
  
Ranma shrugged. "I thought so too, but who else has access  
to Hawaiian stuff? Only him and... Akane, did you notice we didn't  
get hassled by Kuno this morning?"  
  
Akane went a bit blue in the face. "Oh, no... it can't be   
anything like that stunt with the flowers, can it?"  
  
"We ARE talking about Tatewaki Kuno, the Chartreuse Flatulence  
of Furinkan High," Ranma replied.  
  
"Chartreuse... snicker... heehehehe..." Akane began to redefine  
giggle. After a second the rest followed except for Shampoo, who   
looked slightly blank.  
  
"Shampoo not know those words?"  
  
"Chartreuse is a sort of a blue-green, and flatulence,  
is, well, you know, gas?" Ukyo tried to explain from in between  
chuckles.  
  
"Gas?"  
  
Yuka blushed. "Hai... you know, personal gas."  
  
Shampoo looked blank.  
  
"Like from a lot of beans," Daisuke supplied helpfully,  
to be elbowed by Hiroshi.  
  
Shampoo paused. "Oh. Shampoo understand. Excuse Shampoo."  
  
The group watched as Shampoo walked over to Kuno, who was   
directing various Kendo club members in final preparation of his   
grand tribute.  
  
"Shampoo have question for stick-boy."  
  
Kuno scowled. "The Chinese girl. My name is not, as you so   
wrongly term it, Stick-boy. But if you desire the fruits of my   
erudition, it is only meet that I grant you the solace of improving  
your limited knowledge."  
  
"Not want fruit. Want ask question."  
  
Kuno sighed. "Very well, ask away."  
  
"Stick-boy called Blue Thunder sometimes, right?"  
  
"I have, at certain moments, indeed been known by that most   
descriptive cognomen."  
  
"That mean you called Blue Thunder sometimes?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why you change to Green Fart? Not sound as good."  
  
The sound of the crickets was positively deafening.  
  
Kuno was so stunned at the question he forgot to unveil his   
tribute...  
  
####  
  
Kenchuro made his way to the ground of Furinkan High, where he'd  
been informed that many skilled martial artists attended classes.  
Perhaps there he would find the notorious Ranma, as well as others  
to assist in his plan to create the ultimate martial art.  
  
Deciding that the gorilla suit, usually his favorite, had not   
performed properly, he now chose one of his other alternate outfits.  
  
Hiroshi turned at a tap on the shoulder to stare in sheer   
disbelief at what appeared to be a person wearing full lime green  
SCUBA gear with a electric punk tutu over it. And Deely-boppers  
on the hood.  
  
"Excuse me," the apparition asked, "Can you direct me to the   
martial artist known as Ranma Saotome?"  
  
"Ranma?"  
  
"Yes, I intend to challenge him to a bout."  
  
Hiroshi shook his head. "Dressed like that?"  
  
"Yes, he apparently didn't respect my pink gorilla suit."  
  
"I can't imagine why. Anyhow, right now he's a she-- and at   
least for two weeks more, I think. But you can meet her after class,  
I guess. Or any of the others also."  
  
"Others, yes. Can you tell me anything about them?"  
  
"Well, there's Akane, she's pretty good-- Ranma's student,  
I hear. Then there's Ukyo Kuonji, she's the girl who looks like a   
boy, which isn't the same as Ranma who looks like a girl because  
she IS a girl even if she's really a boy. And then there's Shampoo,  
who looks like a girl because she really is a girl, and then there's  
Tatewaki Kuno, the Green Fart. He used to be called the Blue   
Thunder, but he changed his name. Oh, and Mousse or Ryoga might show  
up at any time, but you can't count on them."  
  
Kenchuro blinked audibly. "I... see." Such a strange sounding  
group-- could some of them also be on the path of failure? Could  
others have seen his great insight?  
  
"Anyway, lunch breaks over almost, so I have to get back to   
class. Excuse me." Hiroshi bowed politely to the apparent lunatic  
and left, thinking, (Ranma has GOT to hear about THIS guy.)  
  
Kenchuro sat, to wait. For those plan to fail, patience is   
every bit as important as it is to those who plan to succeed.  
  
####  
  
Hinako Ninomiya stared out the window at a sight that even she  
found difficult to credit. And being a reasonably intelligent  
person, decided to ask the one possible source of information  
she knew of that could possibly explain such a thing.  
  
"Ranma, could you come here and tell me what that thing is on   
the lawn?"  
  
Ranma joined the diminutive teacher at the window, peered   
carefully, thought a while, peered again, and replied, "You got me.  
Looks like a scuba diver in a tutu, but it can't be that, can it?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Yeah, right. This IS Nerima. Maybe that guy knows the pink  
gorilla."  
  
"At any rate, we should begin class now... back to your seats,  
everyone. Now, page 147, please..."  
  
####  
  
Scuba gear in warm weather is not comfortable.  
  
####  
  
In Japanese schools, rather than change rooms for different  
classes, the students stay in the same room and the teachers move   
about. There's a roughly ten minute period between classes, during  
which students chat, talk, prepare for the next class, adjust hair,  
play short games, and in Furinkan, sometimes fight, eat, or (in   
Ranma's case) catch a quick catnap.   
  
Well, not catnap, but just nap. Ranma had her standards.  
  
The history teacher entered, and paused as he adjusted the   
windowshades to his liking. "Miss Saotome, could you tell me what  
that is out on the lawn?"  
  
"Search me. I don't know anything about it."  
  
"Um, Ranma," Hiroshi said, "I might..."  
  
####  
  
Actually, it's more than merely uncomfortable.  
  
####  
  
By now, between classes rituals were dropped in favor of staring  
at the oddly dressed figure on the lawn.  
  
"Like I said, he was asking about you and the other martial  
artists."  
  
"You're sure he said gorilla suit, Hiro?" Ranma was getting  
one of her patented bad feelings.  
  
"Yep. So, you think this is the weirdo you mentioned from last  
night?"  
  
"Has to be. But how does he expect to fight in a getup like   
that?"  
  
Akane gazed out the window in awe. "I don't know, but he must  
be pretty tough to sit there in that SCUBA suit in this hot weather.  
Don't take him too lightly, Ranma."  
  
"I don't intend to."  
  
####  
  
In fact, it can be positively hellish. It's like wearing a   
sauna glued to your skin that you can't leave.  
  
####  
  
"Well, I'm just glad we didn't have PE today. Anyone who's   
willing to fight in an outfit like that has got to be tough. Not   
that I can't take him, of course, but still..."  
  
"Such ladylike humility," quipped Akane.  
  
"What ladylike? I'm a tomboy, and darn proud of it." Ranma  
tossed her head, grinning.  
  
"What humility, you mean," Ukyo teased.  
  
Akane shook her head. No matter what else might have changed,  
Ranma's ego was still as intact as ever. Oddly, she didn't think  
she'd really want that part to change. Well, not very much.  
  
"Anyhow, I suppose I'd better find out what this fellow wants,"  
Ranma added.  
  
"I told you, he wants a fight," interjected Hiroshi.  
  
"Yeah, but what kind? Some weird underwater ballet fu? It's  
definitely not a normal fighting style..."  
  
As Ranma approached the strange figure, she decided that   
anything was possible.  
  
Better be prepared for anything.  
  
"So... you're issuing a challenge?" she asked the oddly clad  
figure.  
  
The challenger looked vaguely in her direction. His SCUBA mask  
had fogged over, and his breathing was ragged. Three hours in the   
hot sun in a full body neoprene wetsuit isn't, as noted above,   
exactly conducive to personal comfort. Kenchuro was half-steamed--  
not in anger, but in cooking terms.  
  
"After I fall down for a while, miss."  
  
Which he did.  
  
Ranma gazed upon the prone figure for a moment, and then   
shrugged. "Akane, give me a hand with taking this goof to the   
nurses' office, 'kay? I GOT to hear his story..."  
  
####  
  
"Heat exhaustion. What with a 20 kilogram SCUBA tank on his   
back and this tutu adding an extra layer of insulation to full body  
neoprene, it's a miracle he's this well. I don't suppose that any of  
you have any idea why he's dressed like this?"  
  
Ranma nodded at the nurse. "Hai, he's a loony."  
  
"That judgment may be a bit premature, Miss Saotome," the nurse  
chided.  
  
"Bets?" As Ranma explained the events of the previous night  
to the nurse, she began to twitch slightly around the eye.   
  
"All right, he IS a loony. Not that is new to this ward or   
school... well, help me get this off him, please."  
  
As Ranma helped the nurse undress the unconscious challenger  
(Being the only girl there who was completely at ease with such an   
action, she was alone with the nurse and the patient), the   
strangeness of the situation began to get stranger.  
  
"A tattoo reading 'My other fish is a coyote'? What is that   
supposed to mean?"  
  
"I don't know, Nurse. What are you staring at now?"  
  
"His... undergarments. They are... eccentric."  
  
"Oh? How so?"  
  
"They seem to be half a pair of boxers sewn to half a pair of   
bikini-style panties. Blue ones with lace."  
  
"Blue lace panties?"  
  
"The boxers, actually. The panties seem to be made out of   
denim."  
  
Ranma shuddered at the discomfort inherent in denim panties.  
"What is WRONG with this guy?"  
  
"As you so accurately diagnosed, Miss Saotome, he's a loony.  
Ah, a wallet-- there's a card in here."  
  
"What does it say?"  
  
"In case of emergency, eat a live chicken and then dance the   
lambada."  
  
"This goes beyond being a loony. We are in total maniac area  
here."  
  
"I'm not a loony," the patient said weakly. "I'm a martial  
artist."  
  
"Yeah, right. What kind of martial arts is this idiocy supposed  
to be in aid of?" asked Ranma, scornfully.  
  
"Baka-ken."  
  
Silence.  
  
Then, "Baka-ken? Idiot Fist? What the hell kind of martial  
art is THAT?" Ranma was downright offended.  
  
"Brilliant stylistic conceptualization... greatest idea in the  
martial arts ever... I'm the originator and only practitioner."  
  
"Only practitioner I can believe. What are you trying to do   
with gorilla suits and aquatic tutus?"  
  
"I'm trying to become the greatest martial artist on Earth."  
  
"And how is all this stupidity going to do that?" asked the   
trainee girl, for a moment genuinely curious.  
  
"By helping me to become the WORST martial artist on Earth."  
  
Outside the clinic door, Akane, Ukyo, Shampoo, Hiroshi, Daisuke,  
Yuka, and Sayuri all facefaulted from where they were eavesdropping.  
So did the nurse. As for Ranma, she just stood very still, and then  
said the only thing she could.  
  
"You ARE a loony."  
  
####  
  
"What a freak."  
  
For once, that comment hadn't come from Ranma, but Akane. As   
she idly balanced on the fencerail (what had been a trial was not   
almost second nature to her) she mused on the apparently insane   
Kenchuro Tojo.  
  
"He must have some idea. I can't figure out what the hell it   
could be, but he must have some idea. Some trick, or plan, or...  
he can't actually MEAN it the way he SAID it, could he?" grumbled  
Ranma. "I mean, that's just plain stupid. More than stupid.   
Loony."  
  
"You've pointed that out more than once, Ranma."  
  
"Well... It IS loony. The looniest thing I ever heard of,   
INCLUDING anything that Pop ever thought up. It's super loony. It's  
ultra loony. It's--"  
  
"It is not loony. It's sheer brilliance."  
  
Once again, the possible loony in question had arrived, this   
time dressed in a nearly perfect replica of the sort of idealized  
version of the all around Renaissance Man costume from the Monty   
Python's Flying Circus sketch about the sinking ship. Ranma, having  
never seen the program in question, simply shrugged, and said, "Is   
TOO loony. You make Kodachi look sane, and that's saying a lot."  
  
"I don't know who that is, but the Baka-ken is not loony! It is  
a new and innovative path to mastery of the mind, heart, body and   
spirit!"  
  
"It is a new and innovative path to looniness, you mean." It   
was apparent that on this particular subject, Ranma's mind was made  
up. Then again, so was the minds of nearly every other martial  
artist at Furinkan, most of the non-martial artists, and the lady who  
sold sandwiches at lunch. Kenchuro's outfit was pretty convincing  
on that bit.  
  
"Just because you can't see the sheer magnificence of my path  
doesn't make it loony!" Kenchuro protested. "They laughed at   
Fernbeister, you know!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Emilio Fernbeister, the inventor of the solar powered   
flashlight!"  
  
Akane paused. "Um... wouldn't a solar powered flashlight  
only work during the daytime?"  
  
Kenchuro hesitated, and replied, "All right, bad example.  
How about Mao Khu Leng?"  
  
Ranma thought a moment. "Oh, yeah. Cologne was telling me   
about him. Worst alchemist in Chinese history. Tried to create  
an invincible army out of candied yams. Died when attacked by a   
horde of starving peasants in the Leung dynasty."  
  
"Emperor Norton?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
Pause. "Never mind. But it's still not loony!"  
  
"Well, let's get a second opinion. Follow us." (Pops has GOTTA  
meet this guy...)  
  
####  
  
Say what you will about Genma Saotome, there was one thing that  
could be held to his credit. He was an excellent teacher of the Art.  
When he wasn't doing something extremely stupid, that is.  
  
"Let me see... so your idea is to become the world's worst   
possible martial artist while still technically BEING a martial  
artist, and there by passing straight through pathetic inadequacy  
through to the other side, becoming in a flash the greatest martial  
artist that the world has ever known?"  
  
"Exactly! Finally, someone who understands!"  
  
Genma paused, looked at his friend Soun, and sighed. "Ranma's  
right. You're a loony."  
  
Soun nodded. "Cracked. Demented. A few grains short of a full  
rice bowl."  
  
"Yup, your record's skipped a groove all right," Nabiki added  
cheerfully.  
  
"Would you like some more tea, Loony-san?" asked Kasumi, as even  
she couldn't deny the fact that Kenchuro wasn't firing on all   
cylinders.  
  
"I AM NOT A LOONY!" the loony protested. "I'M JUST   
MISUNDERSTOOD!"  
  
"You're perfectly understood. We all understand that you're  
a loony," Ranma retorted.  
  
"My path is perfectly philosophically sound!"  
  
"Your path includes gorilla suits, obscure dances, and   
hermaphroditic underwear," replied Nabiki. "What does that have to   
do with anything?"  
  
"By idiocy I can become wise! The path of success through  
failure applies to all areas of life except making grilled cheese  
sandwiches!"  
  
Silence.  
  
Then, Ranma said, "I ain't gonna ask."  
  
"Well, I am," Nabiki said. "Why grilled cheese sandwiches?"  
  
"I like them."  
  
Nabiki looked nonplussed at this simple answer.  
  
"Anyhow, lad," Genma suggested, "You may wish to rethink your  
plans. Even if they did work it would make no sense to challenge  
my son--"  
  
"Daughter," Nodoka put in.  
  
"WhatEVER, Nodoka. The point is, if you are trying to be the   
worst martial artist in history, what would challenging Ranma prove?"  
  
"Because he's supposed to be a really lousy martial artist   
himself as well as a crossdresser."  
  
"Crossdresser I can see-- it's not accurate, but I can   
understand where that idea could happen. But where did you get the  
idea that he was a bad fighter?" Nabiki asked in genuine confusion,  
while Ranma blinked and began to fume at the insult.  
  
"That's what the Chinese guy said."  
  
"WHAT Chinese guy?" snarled Ranma.  
  
"The one wearing pantyhose around his neck. As soon as I saw   
that, I knew he was on the same path as I was, but not as advanced."  
  
"Is he by any chance in the area?" Ranma was about to grab her  
leathers and kill a certain yak-boy.  
  
"No, he was in Hokkaido catching a freighter to Antarctica  
to get his name changed. I don't know why he'd want to go there,  
but..."  
  
"I'll beat him later, then," Ranma growled. "Pantyhose  
Taro no Baka."  
  
"Well, I'm sorry to disillusion you," Akane added, "But Ranma  
isn't a bad fighter after all. In fact, she's, well, good."  
  
"But he is a crossdresser?"  
  
"No, he's a girl. I mean she's a girl. For the moment. Never  
mind, it's too hard to explain," Akane sighed. She really didn't  
want to get into an explanation of Ranma's curse with the loony.  
  
Kenchuro paused, and then grinned wildly. "Oh, Jyusenkyo!"  
  
"What? You know about the Cursed Pools?" Soun asked, surprised.  
  
"Oh, sure. Tried to go there to train once."  
  
"Ah, but the guide managed to explain about the curses   
beforehand, and you at least escaped their horror," Genma said,   
sagely.  
  
"No, actually, I was hoping to get cursed, but the Amazons  
wouldn't let me into the grounds. Something about my being a   
chu-loofa, whatever that is."  
  
"A... what?" Genma asked.  
  
"Chu-loofa. Another thing I picked up from Cologne in my Amazon  
lessons," Ranma said sourly. "It's not proper Chinese, but an   
obscure slang term in the Jokuzetsu dialect."  
  
"Ah. And what does it mean, Ranma?"  
  
"Loony."  
  
"Will you stop calling me a loony, please?" Kenchuro begged,  
aggrieved.  
  
"No problem, chu-loofa," Ranma smirked.  
  
"Argh."  
  
"Ranma, don't tease the loony," Akane scolded.  
  
"THAT'S an improvement?" Kenchuro whined.  
  
"Anyhow, you can see what I mean, Pops. No WAY can you say THIS  
is a valid challenge," Ranma said confidently.  
  
"I am forced to agree, Ranma. Kenchuro-san, I'm sorry, but for  
the sake of the self respect of the Saotome School of Anything-Goes  
Martial Arts, my so-- ah, child cannot accept your, ah, challenge.  
It is obvious that to enter into combat with you would be a shameful  
abuse of the Art."  
  
"But... but... where's my brilliant defeat? Where's my   
humiliating failure? How can I possibly perfect my new style?"  
  
Nabiki smiled. "Actually, for a mere ten thousand yen, I can   
tell you how to turn this into your greatest defeat ever..."  
  
####  
  
And so it was that Kenchuro resumed his drive into mediocrity  
with a happy heart, secure in the knowledge that he was so pathetic  
that his challenge had been refused by a person known to never refuse  
a challenge on the grounds that he was a loony. Indeed, he had been  
effectively defeated without even being touched at all. And better,  
he'd been defeated by a girl.  
  
####  
  
The next morning, Ranma and Akane arrived at school to see an   
infuriated Kuno yelling at the Kendo Club. "There was no need to   
change the banners in the practice hall! How could you possibly  
believe such calumny in the first instance?"  
  
"But everyone says--"  
  
"What care I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder-- and it IS Blue  
Thunder, curse it-- for what the rabble proclaims in it's ignorance?"  
  
"I dunno," one club member mused, "Green Fart has a ring to   
it..."  
  
An enraged Kuno began to chase the offending kendoist, once   
again forgetting to unveil his tribute.  
  
####  
  
Author's Notes--  
  
The most hated thing in Ranma fanfics is the ANC, or Annoying  
New Character, which is usually (If not always) an author avatar  
with positively obscene martial arts abilities as well as psionics,  
magic, and a golf bag full of magical weaponry. The idea that a BAD  
martial artist would arrive is, as far as I know, something of a new  
one.  
  
And just in case anyone was wondering, Kenchuro IS a loony.  
  



	17. Girl Days Part 15

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(Hey, hey, it's disclaimer time!)  
  
Part Fifteen: Stylistic Differences  
  
####  
  
"You mean you HOPED that those jeans would get wrecked?"  
Ranma had wondered why Nabiki had so cheerily lent the pants to her  
a couple of days ago.  
  
"Well, it's stylish to have a few tasteful rips, and I figured  
that with your lifestyle there would be some classy ones indeed.  
But no, you had to be responsible," Nabiki pouted.  
  
"Huh. Bet you would have charged me for them anyhow."  
  
"Would I do something like that?" said the middle Tendo, her   
face all innocence.  
  
"In a heartbeat," retorted Ranma, walking out.  
  
(Damn, she IS getting smarter. Not fair...)  
  
####  
  
Style had been something that until the beginning of the Girl  
Days training had meant absolutely nothing to Ranma Saotome. And she  
didn't have any illusions that when she was back to being a boy,   
well, not exactly full time, but most of the time, she'd give a whit  
about it then, either.  
  
But she'd gotten used to looking good when a girl, and somehow  
style did matter when it came to skirts and shoes. In fact, it was  
something that was driving her father up the wall (again). Much to   
Ranma's amusement and ill-concealed satisfaction.  
  
Genma had problems enough with Ranma's growing acceptance  
of his/her dual nature. These problems were magnified no end by the  
simple fact that the trainee girl had not only developed a feminine  
style of her own, but a pretty devastating one. His son should NOT  
have started to prefer miniskirts to slacks.  
  
Actually, Ranma still preferred the slacks, were she to be   
honest. But she also enjoyed looking good, and just plain loved the  
way Genma would purple at her carefully checking out the latest   
styles in the shops. And when it was a day to wear a skirt, she   
preferred mini, in the fighting variety, simply because they were   
better to fight in.   
  
Well, that, and she looked great in a mini.  
  
All a matter of style...  
  
####  
  
"The principal has called a special assembly today, I hear."  
  
"Man, who KNOWS what idiocy he thought of while laid up with   
that broken ankle?"  
  
"Hawaii must be an evil place."  
  
The usual Furinkan rumor mill was purring along nicely, but for  
once with some justification. There had yet to be a single instance  
of Principal Kuno calling an assembly that HADN'T resulted in either  
chaos, mayhem, lunacy, or (usually) a combination of all three.  
  
In regards to the eccentric Kuno family, it was disturbing  
to most that Tatewaki Kuno, the Yellow Submarine of Furinkan High,  
was probably the most sane of the bunch.  
  
Ranma just shook her head. Whatever it was, she knew that she  
could handle it. She always had, after all. And it was yen to   
riceballs that in SOME way, whatever lunacy Principal Kuno had   
devised this time was going to be aimed at her. It usually was,   
either directly or indirectly.  
  
"Ranchan, don't look now, but the Pink Cheese Sandwich is   
planning something," commented Ukyo.  
  
"He always is," Ranma sighed. "I thought it was the Fuchsia  
Bubblegum Ball today, though..."  
  
For those readers who are wondering what exactly the two are   
talking about, this writer will digress to explain.  
  
As far as the redoubtable Tatewaki was concerned, he still used  
the nom de guerre "Blue Thunder". However, after Shampoo's   
unintentional (but highly approved of) tagging him with the new name  
"Green Fart", certain people began to play with the idea.  
  
To the understandable aggrievement of said Tatewaki, he was now  
also known as the Puce Wombat, the Lavender Toothpick, the Mauve   
Pantyliner, the Beige Sparkplug, and Ranma's personal favorite,  
the Tartan Electric Massage Unit With Sunlamp Attached. In a mere  
forty-eight hours, the Furinkan talent for distorting information  
had tagged Kuno with some seventy-nine new and increasingly  
ludicrous names-- and most people assumed that he'd chosen them   
himself.  
  
The proliferation of new names, all of which were at the very  
least absurd, was beginning to confuse even Kuno himself. In fact,  
after once being referred to in all sincerity as the Purple Cup Of   
Cheese Sauce, he had exploded in fury, demanding to be called the   
Green Fart. Ranma happily complied. So did many others, but the   
chain of names continued.  
  
At any rate, Tatewaki Kuno, the Flesh-colored Idiot was FINALLY  
going to unveil his tribute to his twain goddesses of amore.  
  
Raising a convenient megaphone he had purchased the day before  
from a wandering pink gorilla, he began to speak--  
  
Only to realize that there was no-one in the yard to hear his   
pronouncement. Classes had started.  
  
####  
  
By the way, Kuno HATED bucket duty.  
  
####  
  
The principal stood on the stage, in his habitual Hawaiian  
themed clothing, looking like a demented beach-comber. Since that  
was pretty much what he was, no-one commented. Besides, in a ward  
noted for lunatics, super-powered martial artists, water-triggered  
shapechangers, visiting demons, random acts of abduction by princes,  
and the occasional real pervert, a grown man with a small palm tree  
growing out of his head wasn't anything THAT unusual.  
  
"De Big Kahuna has some good news for all his happy students!"  
Principal Kuno announced, jovial as ever.  
  
"What does that have to do with us?" called out a voice from the  
back.  
  
Brushing over the witticism, the principal continued, "I have  
de GREATEST idea I'm importin' from America--"  
  
"Is it anything like trying to get beach music as a required  
course?" came another voice.  
  
Principal Kuno sighed. "No, and I don't understand why de   
education ministry shot dat down anyway. No, I declarin' Fridays  
to be casual days."  
  
There was silence.  
  
"Come on, you gotta like dat, happy students?"  
  
"I'm sure they do. US, on the other hand," replied a new voice.  
  
"What's a casual day?" asked another voice.  
  
"Dat mean on Fridays you can wear anything you want, and don't  
have to wear a uniform! You like THAT, keiki?"  
  
There was a pause, and then a titanic whoop of joy that for once  
was unfeigned. It was, in fact too loud for anyone to hear Principal  
Kuno add the offer of a free haircut to go with the nice clothes,  
or the bonuses of free grass skirts and sarongs to anyone who cared  
to wear them...  
  
And no one saw the shadowed figure in the rafters.  
  
####  
  
"It's got to be a trick. No WAY is the principal going to   
actually come out with a GOOD idea." Ranma's skepticism was based  
not on her intense dislike of the aforementioned educator from Mars,  
but rather on his track record. The only time she could remember  
the lunatic actually being sincere about any of his preposterous  
schemes, it hadn't worked then. Akane STILL had all the buoyancy  
of a cinderblock.  
  
Akane nodded vigorously, as did the rest at lunchtime. "He's  
planning something. But what?"  
  
"That's the question, Akane-chan. What's his game this time?"  
Ukyo still had bad dreams sometimes about the principals first return  
and his insane coconut hunt. Especially since because she was a   
girl, but registered as a boy, she had spent the entire lunatic  
episode uncertain if she'd wind up with a bowl cut, a buzz cut, or if  
Principal Kuno would create some new and demented style just for her.  
Like bowl on one side and buzz on the other.  
  
"Shampoo not in school long enough to know. Is palm-tree  
man that bad?"  
  
"Let's say this, he'd probably see nothing unusual about   
Kenchuro Tojo," Ranma explained.  
  
Shampoo shuddered. "Maybe we ask stick-boy to help? Or trick  
him, find out palm-tree man's plan?"  
  
"We wouldn't have to trick Kuno," Akane replied. "If there's  
anyone he hates more than Ranma's boy-type, it's his father. No WAY  
is Principal Kuno going to confide his plans to him."  
  
"Stick-boy not respect papa?" asked Shampoo. "Shampoo   
impressed. Not think stick-boy have any good qualities."  
  
"Heh. But I wonder what the Principal is really up to..."  
  
####  
  
"I wonder what my demented parent is truly planning, Sasuke,"  
mused Tatewaki Kuno. "Although the idea he proposes seems upon the  
surface to be one that would bring joy and happiness to the school--  
especially myself, in that I should have a chance both to enjoy the  
sight of Akane Tendo and the pony-tailed girl in raiment more   
flattering than the drab uniforms of the school, and have the   
opportunity to impress the both of them with my own impeccable  
sense of style-- I cannot but feel that he plots some devious attempt  
upon the dignity of the student body as a whole. Doubtless his   
fetish for the removal of hair is a part of this, either that or his  
fascination with that heathen island chain."  
  
The diminutive ninja sighed. "Master Kuno, I'm sorry, but I   
really don't have any idea what he would be planning. I've tried  
so hard, too..."  
  
"Sasuke, unworthy as you are even to be allowed in my presence,  
I do not this time fault you for this failure. My father-- although  
mad-- is also demoniacally cunning. And I see that this time, his   
attention will be focused almost entirely upon me."  
  
"Master?" Sasuke seemed uncertain.  
  
"The two targets he desires most to depilate are myself and the  
wretched Ranma Saotome. Of late, his obsessions were more focused  
upon the sorcerer, but with his recent paucity of appearance  
my father will certainly resume interest in my locks. Damn Saotome,  
anyhow... doubtless this was part of whatever vile plan he has most  
recently concocted."  
  
"You mean that somehow Saotome and your father are working  
together?"  
  
Kuno paused at that clarification. "When you phrase it so,   
Sasuke, it seems unlikely. In truth, one of the few things that the  
sorcerer and I would tend to agree on is our mutual dislike of my   
father's obsessions-- but only for the simple fact that I know that  
said dislike is shared by the rest of Japan as a whole. Almost do I   
wish for Ranma Saotome to return at such a moment of crisis-- almost.  
At the least his peculiar talent of personal transmogrification  
into inanimate objects could be of use." (Note-- Yes, Kuno STILL  
thinks Tsubasa and Ranma are the same person.)  
"Master, far be it from me to suggest that your estimation  
of the situation is, ah exaggerated, but... crisis?"  
  
"Have you ever had one of my father's haircuts, Sasuke?"  
  
The ninja shuddered.  
  
"Can you imagine myself with such?"  
  
Shuddering increased.  
  
"And should he manage to lay a shear-- nay, e'en a single   
blade-- upon the locks of the flame haired goddess or the raven crown  
of Akane Tendo, would not the gods themselves weep at the indignity  
of such a tragedy?"  
  
Less concerned about the effect on the appearance of the   
aforementioned girls and more about the effect on the tranquillity  
of an already strained household, Sasuke now seemed to have swallowed  
a full bottle of earthquake pills. In hopeful tones, he asked,   
"Perhaps he's more Hawaii oriented this time, Master Kuno. You know,  
grass skirts, sarongs, and the like..."  
  
"Even more foul. Such cannot be allowed."  
  
Sasuke stopped shuddering in shock. "Ah... you mean you don't  
want to see the pony-tailed girl or Miss Tendo in a grass skirt or   
sarong?"  
  
"Imbecile! Of COURSE I do! But not when it's my father's  
idea! They should by rights wear such for me, and myself alone!  
Not by the dictate of a man with a tree growing out of his head!"  
  
"Can't argue with that."  
  
"Nor should you contemplate such an ill advised action."  
  
"Hadn't ever crossed my mind, Master."  
  
####  
  
The principal of Furinkan High School was generally only known  
by his title. No-one in Nerima-- not even his own son-- remembered  
his first name. Which was something that the principal was quietly  
pleased with.  
  
Understand that the Kuno line was a long and proud one. Its   
members had been samurai to the Shogunate and retainers to the great  
daimyos for centuries. Their battle skills, their unwavering  
loyalty, and their absolute courage had made generations of leaders  
overlook the small inconvenience of a repeated tendency to, well,  
oddness.  
  
For example, during the Battle of Sekigahara Plain, one Itsuno  
Kuno had distinguished himself by taking seventeen enemy heads and   
presenting them to his master on pikes. With such a fearsome   
warrior, his penchant for wearing a rabbit strapped to his head had  
been charitably overlooked.  
  
During the Pacific War, Captain Takaro Kuno had distinguished  
himself as a fighter pilot, in fact Japan's greatest ace, despite  
his insistence on wearing a girl's school uniform while flying for   
luck. The sailor style kind, in fact, complete with a ribbon tied  
to his flight helmet.  
  
And of course, there was Aunt Kimyo and her 'thing' about pixies  
in the Diet.  
  
But in general, these eccentricities didn't impact on others.  
Odd, and remarked on, yes, but they didn't actually bother anyone  
or cause trouble (with the exception of Uncle Ichiro and his   
experiments with electronic turnips). The Kunos of Nerima were, in   
fact, an aberration. All three of them were quite impactive.  
  
So much so, that Cousin Yoku, who was noted for writing long   
letters to the Tokyo Shimbun urging that Japan apply for statehood  
in the USA and the legalisation of radioactive yogurt, wouldn't  
talk to the principal. Or as he referred to him, "That idiot   
Paulette".  
  
Yes, Paulette was in fact the principal's first name. Never  
mind how. But it does explain a lot.  
  
No, sorry, it explains nothing, except that Paulette's father  
was obviously a Kuno also.  
  
At any rate, the principal DID have a plan, of sorts. It's hard  
to tell what it was, though. In fact, if you had asked him what it   
was, he wouldn't have been able to put it into words.  
  
If he DID have words, they were in Hawaiian.  
  
Ah, how he missed the islands. He would return again (as he did  
repeatedly) only to return to his other love-- annoying the hell out  
of the students of Furinkan High. Which he did not out of malice  
or evil intent, but because he honestly believed that he was doing  
the best thing for his charges.  
  
Being the same man who had also honestly believed that the   
sarong-clad girl who had washed up on the shore of his frankly   
eccentric island mock-up the first week at school was actually  
from an neighboring island (Even being aware of Ranma's curse, he   
still hadn't made THAT particular connection), this isn't that   
surprising. In fact, from time to time when he was bored, he'd try  
to find that neighboring island to bring the joy of proper haircuts  
to the natives.  
  
Where Tatewaki was deluded and Kodachi was borderline psychotic,  
Paulette was just plain loony.  
  
Which helps to explain the events of the coming Friday.  
  
####  
  
Happosai darted from shadow to shadow in the night like a ninja.  
True, most ninja didn't have a fetish for female undergarments,  
but that was a minor point. Besides, he was thinking about a greater  
plan than the simple snatching of a few hundred panties.  
  
(Casual day, eh? Wonder how casual I can make it?)  
  
The founding master of the Anything Goes School of Martial  
Arts and Unrestrained Lechery had a plan. A brilliant, magnificent,  
and basically gratuitous plan.  
  
Any sane person would have thrown the plan out the window,  
of course. But this was Happosai, who had returned from his   
Antarctic sojourn none the worse for wear, except for a recurring  
desire to fondle tuxedos. (Don't ask. It's got to do with   
penguins.)  
  
Thought the old pervert, (Casual... heh heh heh heh.)  
  
####  
  
Thursday.  
  
A day like any other day.  
  
In Nerima, that could mean damn near anything. In fact, it   
usually did.  
  
"Now, nobody move! Today I WILL unveil my grand tribute!  
I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder-- and it IS Blue Thunder, NOT   
Candy Apple Red Pianoforte-- present this... this... where did it   
go?"  
  
"That thing under the canvas?" said a passing student. "The   
custodial department hauled it away last night, said it was   
cluttering up the schoolyard laying there for days."  
  
Kuno fell to his knees and howled in frustration. And missed  
the start of classes again.  
  
####  
  
Oh, yeah, Kuno HATED bucket duty.  
  
####  
  
"So, what do you think we should wear tomorrow, Ranma?" asked  
Yuka idly while they dressed for gym.  
  
Ranma became uncomfortably aware that rather a large group of   
girls were hanging on her next words. "Um... why ask me?"  
  
"Well, for one thing you're sort of an expert in what boys like  
to see girls wear, because you are one sometimes..."  
  
"That's my normal state, remember? And I never paid that much  
attention to what anyone wore anyhow..."  
  
"Until recently?" Akane smirked. "You have to admit, you're  
something of a clothes horse these days."  
  
"Yeah, well..."  
  
"That's the other reason, Ranma," added Sayuri. "You've got   
about the best sense of fashion of any girl in school nowadays.  
Your outfits are always so perfect. So, we sort of wondered if you  
had any advice."  
  
"Um, Mom does a lot of the work, I just buy what I think looks  
okay..." For some reason this line of conversation was becoming  
unnerving.  
  
"Well," added another girl, "You do it really well. Can I ask  
for your opinion about a dress? There's a boy I kind of like and I   
want to try to catch his eye."  
  
(Why me? How did I become a fashion advisor?) "Um... for what  
it's worth, I guess I could look... I'm really not an expert on   
anyone's clothes but my own, though..."  
  
"Have you thought about joining the Fashion Club?" asked Sayuri.  
"You'd be a real asset, with your sense of style, and besides,  
they never can find any male models, so you'd be a major asset there  
too."  
  
"Eeep."  
  
"Hey, that's a great idea!" Yuka added. "They're always   
complaining that nobody's willing to model swimwear, but I bet Ranma  
could, because she's so brave about things like that."  
  
"Yeah," added Sayuri. "Especially leather."  
  
"Enough with the leather. The leather's for fights," the   
redhead complained.  
  
Ignoring Ranma, Yuka enthused, "Hai! And I bet she'd be a   
shoo-in for modeling this years wedding gown--"  
  
"Now you drop it right there!" Ranma snarled, causing the pack  
of girls to back off a bit. "No WAY am I modeling any blasted   
wedding dress! You have any idea how that'd set Kuno off?"  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"Maybe we can get Akane for this year?" asked Yuka.  
  
"No WAY! That only means Kuno AND our parents going ballistic!"  
Akane protested.  
  
Another pause, and then, "Well, Ranma IS a master of disguise,  
so she could--"  
  
"Master of Disguise?" Akane sputtered. "Where did you get that  
idea?"  
  
"Remember when you told us she disguised herself as Ryoga's  
sister and fooled even Ryoga-- and he doesn't HAVE a sister?" Yuka  
said triumphantly.  
  
"That only worked because Ryoga's, ah, urm..." Akane couldn't  
find the word she wanted.  
  
"A moron?" Ranma added helpfully.  
  
"No, he's... trusting, that's it. And you shouldn't pick on him  
even when he's not here, Ranma," Akane scolded.  
  
"I'm not picking on him. I'm evaluating. He's a nice enough  
guy when he's not homicidally insane, but face it, he's not exactly  
the brightest light on the Ginza."  
  
Akane snorted. "He's just very open hearted and trusting,  
that's all."  
  
"Whatever..."  
  
"What about the time she fooled the principal into thinking  
she was a island native?"  
  
"You mean, when we were in the school basement? Principal  
Kuno IS a moron."  
  
(No argument there,) thought Ranma.  
  
"She fooled every guy in school when there was that okonomiyaki  
selling contest..."  
  
"Anyone can fool anyone with a wig and a bunny suit. Guys don't  
look closely at girls dressed like that-- at least, not at their   
faces," Akane pointed out.  
  
"Is a bunny suit casual wear?" wondered one girl.  
  
"You wouldn't wear one to class, would you?" asked another.  
  
"I don't know. Ranma, what do you think? Should I--"  
  
"What kind of question is THAT?!?" Ranma and Akane exclaimed  
in unision.  
  
"Well," the girl said weakly, "She's the only person I know   
who's actually worn one except Nabiki, and I can't afford Nabiki's  
advice..."  
  
"That's just plain sil-- Ranma, stop banging your head on the   
lockers. You'll break them if you keep doing that," chided Akane.  
  
####  
  
Under normal circumstances, the summoning of demons is a long  
and complex process requiring blood sacrifice, arcane chants, and   
dark and occult rituals.  
  
Normal circumstances do not often happen in Nerima.  
  
Thus, this was not a normal ceremony.  
  
Of course, being Happosai, he wasn't summoning a normal demon  
anyhow.  
  
The arcane chant was there, but hardly what most would have   
recognized as one. The complete listing of the Victoria's Secret's  
catalog usually doesn't leap to mind as a source of mystical   
terminology, after all.  
  
The Dark And Occult ritual had been replaced by a videotape  
playing some rather questionable anime of the type usually known as,  
well, hentai.  
  
The sacrifice part, however, was causing Happosai considerable  
grief. His best silky darlings from his collection, tossed into the  
fire, all for this one spell. He'd almost not been able to go   
through with it.  
  
Almost... but for Fridays fun, he could stand anything.  
  
The ritual (such as it was) wound to completion. The entity  
appeared in the magic circle. It looked a lot like Pauly Shore.  
  
Talk about EVIL.  
  
"Okay, okay, the rites have been performed and the sacrifices  
made and... hey, this ain't right. Those ain't the rites and those  
aren't the right sacrifices. It's supposed to be a goat at least,  
not stuff ripped off from the change rooms at the Kyoto Strip-O-Rama.  
What gives?"  
  
"Demon, I am Happosai of--"  
  
"Oh, THAT gives. Shoulda known, really. Figures you'd get a   
special dispensation."  
  
"You know me?"  
  
"Hey, you're famous down in Hell. Greatest pervert to have ever  
lived, with the exception of the guy who wrote that Overfiend  
crap. Trust me, the REAL lust demons didn't like that one at all.  
So, you got a service coming, what is it?"  
  
Happosai explained. "But make certain you leave the underwear!"  
  
The demon paused. "No can do. For some reason the Big Guys   
won't explain, we're not allowed to mess with school uniforms--"  
  
"Ah-- but the principal of this school has instituted casual  
days on Fridays!"  
  
"Hmm... that could work. So, basically, you want me to cause  
the clothing of the entire female population of a particular  
school to disappear? This being a day that they are unlikely to be   
wearing uniforms, and so I can do it? That's... disgusting.  
Revolting. Unthinkable."  
  
Happosai blinked. "You mean you won't do it?"  
  
"Of COURSE I'll do it. I'm a demon, you know. Disgusting,  
revolting, and unthinkable are the kind of thing I like! Well, that  
and a really good Rueben."  
  
"A what?"  
  
"A Reuben. It's a sandwich they make in America, with   
sauerkraut and corned beef and Swiss cheese, and it's on rye and when  
the corned beef is really nice and lean and the grilling is JUST   
right and the mustard is--"  
  
"Never mind. Can you do it?"  
  
"Well, sure I can. It's not hard to do at all!"  
  
"Good."  
  
The demon glowed with pleasure. "After all, all you have to do  
is remember not to get the pan too hot, and to saute the sandwich  
slowly so the bread doesn't scorch--"  
  
"I mean the thing with the clothes!"  
  
"Oh, that? No problem. But I require one thing from you before  
I do."  
  
"And that would be?"  
  
"Well, there's this American style deli on the Ginza..."  
  
Even Happosai could facefault.  
  
####  
  
"What _are_ you going to wear, Ranma?" asked Akane on the walk  
back home.  
  
"I dunno yet," replied the trainee girl. "I'm half tempted  
to put on an evening gown and heels and really freak some people  
out, but I'd almost certainly get it ripped at the inevitable  
fight."  
  
"Oh, Ranma, really. Why would there be a fight?"  
  
"Principal Coconuts is planning something that sounds like a   
good idea, which means it can't be one, lots of girls are planning  
to dress up extra nice to catch this boy or that one, I don't know  
that Ukyo and Shampoo are going to be any different, which means that  
Mousse at the least is going to start to get antsy, we haven't seen  
Ryoga in a week-- which means he's due, Kuno is going to be really  
paranoid since his father's planning something and he doesn't know  
what, and... Oh, there's gonna be a fight, all right."  
  
"I think you're just being paranoid."  
  
"I have three fiancees, a similar number of people who want to   
kill me, we haven't seen You Know Who in a month, and last week I was  
challenged by a pink gorilla. What's not to be paranoid about?"  
  
Akane had little answer for that.  
  
"Anyhow, I just have a feeling that there's gonna be SOMETHING  
stupid happening, and that usually leads into a fight. Maybe I   
should just wear my leathers and get it over with."  
  
"Um... Ranma, I don't think Kuno's seen you in that gear."  
  
Ranma paled. She knew just how devastating she looked in that  
outfit. "Good point. No sense in encouraging him that much..."  
  
"I can't decide what to wear myself," added Akane.  
  
"Hmm... who says we have to wear only one outfit?"  
  
"Huh?" Akane blinked, confused.  
  
"Well, I mean, we could wear one to school, and bring a second  
one just in case I'm right about that fight so we have something  
decent after it all gets shredded?"  
  
"Ranma, there's not going to be a fight! There's no reason  
for there to be one."  
  
"Like THAT ever stopped fights before." Ranma snorted, and   
added, "Besides, I have an infallible sense about these things."  
  
Akane thought on that for a moment, and then replied, "No, you  
don't. But... Maybe I'll bring my fighting uniform, just in case  
you're right..."  
  
####  
  
She walked down the catwalk in the gold beaded gown with the   
translucent silver stole, the center of attention. One of the most  
highly paid models in the world, the famous Ranma was noted on the   
covers of many a beauty magazine, and as many martial arts journals  
in her masculine state. Applause rang from all sides.  
  
She stepped to the back of the stage, her dressers rapidly  
removing the gown and tossing her her favored Chinese shirt to relax  
in during the break between sets. Fashion shows were so damn   
demanding.  
  
Oh, wow. Nature calls.  
  
And she stepped to the door, and froze as a voice came from the  
walls, saying, "But which bathroom? Which one?"  
  
And she couldn't decide... she couldn't-- couldn't--  
  
She awoke from the damn silly dream (thankful that it had been  
a silly one and not that bad one about the Neko-ken training)  
and went downstairs to the toilet, since that part of the dream had  
been accurate.  
  
Then she frowned, changed her undergarments after grabbing  
a pad, and hoped that this time she wouldn't be nearly as...   
unpredictable.  
  
(After this one, never again. Never. No Way.)  
  
####  
  
Kismet.  
  
####  
  
"Is not."  
  
"Is too."  
  
"Is Not."  
  
"Is Too."  
  
"Ranma, there's not going to be a fight today, and that's that!"  
  
"Ah, my pony-tailed goddess, fair Akane Tendo, here I come to   
rescue you from--"  
  
"Excuse me."  
  
WHAM!  
  
"See?"  
  
"Kuno doesn't count, Ranma... I wonder why he was dressed  
so fancy? I thought it was supposed to be casual?"  
  
####  
  
The concept of a Casual Day wasn't one that was easily   
understood deep down in the typical Japanese psyche. The native  
culture stresses conformity as one of the great virtues, and the idea  
of "No Uniform" was new and exciting.   
  
Remember, this is the same nation that created the die-cut  
salarymen and the ubiquitous office girl. The nail that sticks up   
gets pounded down. Even at a place like Furinkan, the individuals--  
AKA the maniacs-- were very much in the minority, and really only got  
away with their strange behavior because (a) they didn't give a damn  
what anyone else thought (most un-Japanese, that), and (b) nobody  
could stand a slugs chance in the Morton Salt Company Factory of   
enforcing the usual conformity upon them, anyway.  
  
But these few examples of the not-at-all conforming tended to   
create a small streak of individualism that wasn't normal for most  
Japanese students. Typical Japanese Psyche isn't an option if you   
want to keep even partially sane at a school where the most noted  
student couldn't make up his or her mind if he was a she or not, food  
could be a lethal weapon (The writer refers to explosive okonomiyaki,  
not Akane's cooking, honest!),the chemistry club had attempted  
at one time to take over the city government (Don't ask), strange  
and arcane martial arts exhibitions and battles were an almost weekly  
occurrence, and most girls kept double locks on their gym lockers  
so as to at least attempt to keep their undergarments their own.  
  
Most, in fact, gave lip service to the normal Japanese ideals,  
but secretly wished that they could be as outrageous as Ranma, Ryoga,  
Shampoo, Ukyo, even Kuno. They wanted to be howling pillars of   
insanity also.  
  
So, when officially informed that they had a day where they were  
not expected to conform-- at least in dress-- some went, well,   
overboard.  
  
True, there wasn't anything odd about Akane's simple yellow  
sundress, or Ranma's shorts and tank-top combo. Shampoo's familiar  
Chinese silk minidress wasn't particularly strange, nor was Ukyo's  
choice of jeans and a sports shirt, either (Although as usual when  
at school she attempted to look like a boy, so instead of the cute  
girl she was, she was the bishonen lad she so often seemed to be),  
but others chose less... sedate outfits.  
  
For example, Kuno didn't own any casual clothing except the   
constant Kendo garb he affected all the time anyhow. Further,  
he still didn't trust his demented father's motives in a Casual Day  
anyhow. And most of all, he wanted to impress You Know Who.  
  
Since, as the above sequence suggests, You Know Who wasn't   
impressed either by his garments or his attempted glomp, his top hat  
was now slightly bent and his tuxedo was rather dusty.   
  
The resident idiot hentai, Enzo, was attempting to impress  
girls in what he considered stylish wear. Since the lavender leisure  
suit he sported was about as stylish as a dead mackerel these days,  
and the three pounds of faux gold chains didn't help when displayed  
across his scrawny but revealed chest, it had the usual success  
rate-- less than zero.  
  
(For those who wonder how failing to succeed can actually  
have a negative success rate, understand that Enzo was so incredibly  
repellent to all girls, most men, and a large percentage of forest  
animals that he'd single-handedly managed to cause at least six   
students and two of the aforementioned forest animals to take oaths  
of celibacy.)  
  
And many girls, not understanding casual, but understanding  
that they could wear anything they wanted to, were decked out in   
party dresses, fancy skirts, actual ballgowns, and even a cheongsam  
was visible-- for once, not on the frame of Shampoo. Careful make-up  
jobs and classy hairstyles abounded, and the number of girls wearing  
flats were pretty much limited to those who were martial artists,  
and those going the cute sportswear route (i.e., spandex and running  
shorts).   
  
And yes, there was one girl in a bunny suit. (For those who   
wonder, she at least had a happy ending, since the boy she was   
interested in DID notice her.)  
  
Furinkan looked somewhat like a cross between an American  
high school and a explosion at a fashion show.  
  
Ranma, who may not have totally understood Casual Days herself,  
but very well understood casual, shook her head. She was fairly  
certain that pink chiffon party dresses and beaded stoles weren't  
casual.  
  
This riot of elegance amongst the female population of Furinkan  
was resulting in a large number of distracted boys. Intellectually,  
most of them knew that the school had something of a higher than   
normal count of cute girls, but the uniforms tended to make them all  
look somewhat the same.  
  
Intellectual knowledge was being rapidly replaced by something  
more elemental. When almost every girl at school was going the   
glamour route, people noticed.  
  
In fact, the three girls who were most often stared at-- Akane,  
Shampoo, and Ranma-- were almost being ignored as a large number  
of guys realized that there had been TONS of babes around that for   
some reason, they hadn't ever noticed.  
  
Not that said three minded a bit.  
  
At lunchtime, more people than usual were eating indoors,  
since you couldn't sit on the grass very well in your best dress.  
Ranma was late to the usual gathering.  
  
"What kept you?" Ukyo asked her, as she came up whistling.  
  
"Ah, just a little business with Nabiki. Placing a bet, is   
all."  
  
Silence. Then, "YOU placed a bet with Nabiki? The worst   
gambler in the history of Japan, and you placed a bet with Nabiki?"  
  
"Yep. Got decent odds, too. Had to promise that I wouldn't  
start one, though..."  
  
Akane sighed. "Ranma's convinced that there's going to be a   
fight today."  
  
"Shampoo not see how get good odds on that," the Amazon said   
doubtfully. "Fights happen all the time."  
  
"Well, I was betting that the fight would not be caused by   
someone attacking me, or vice versa. Glomps don't count as an   
attack."  
  
"THAT get too too good odds, Shampoo bet."  
  
Ukyo sighed. "Ranchan, you just blew your yen. This is about  
the most peaceful day I've seen in a long while, and the only way I   
can see a fight starting is for--"  
  
Then it happened.  
  
"Hey, isn't that Pauly Shore?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"That American comedian-- he's standing on the belltower!"  
  
Pauly Shore threw back his head and howled an unearthly,  
inhuman cry.  
  
"Yeah, that's him. Know that voice anywhere."  
  
"Maidens of Furinkan! In service to my... wait a moment, I've  
got it here somewhere--" The demon searched through his pockets  
and found a small scrap of paper. "Oh, yeah. In service to my dread  
and powerful master, who is a paragon of virtue and nobility and NOT  
a hentai no matter what you say and really should get the respect  
due to an elder and upstanding pillar of the community, I free you of  
the foul bonds of cruel encasement."  
  
People stared at the apparition in near total confusion.  
"What does that mean?" yelled one.  
  
"Well, it means, well... this."  
  
The demon waved a hand.  
  
For a perfect three count there was silence again-- not the   
silence of people merely not talking, but the silence of sheer total  
lack of noise of any kind, save the thin watery sound of a hundred  
nosebleeds occurring simultaneously.  
  
Then every window at Furinkan disintegrated-- not shattered,  
but disintegrated into dust-- under the incredibly thunderous  
shriek of over three hundred female voices raised in panic and   
embarrassment at their outer garments went baibai, leaving them   
appearing only in what was underneath.   
  
Since so many girls were trying to be either sexy or glamorous,  
what was underneath tended to be lacy, scanty, and pretty damn   
spectacular. Furinkan High was now Victoria's Secret. And the   
secret was well and truly exposed.  
  
"Ack," commented Daisuke just before he passed out. Grinning  
madly, but passed out nonetheless.  
  
Hiroshi, being slightly less hormonally driven than his comrade,  
tried to avert his eyes so as not to be called a pervert for staring  
at near-naked girls. Since every girl in sight was near-naked,  
this was a fruitless endeavor. He finally resorted to trying to pull  
his bento kerchief over his head.  
  
One-- and only one girl in the school was not screaming.  
That girl was Ranma, who was staring at her own sports bra and cotton  
whites clad body and wondering what the hell could have happen--  
  
Oh, of course. Who else?  
  
Ranma's limited feminine modesty was quickly overridden  
by pure, sexless rage.  
  
"I think I'm going to lose one of my bets. I have an old   
pervert to kill."  
  
Shaken, Akane looked up at the redhead from where she was trying  
to cover herself, and stammered, "Ha...happosai? You think he did   
this?"  
  
"Who else would? Besides, you heard what Pauly Shore said."  
  
Growls of anger began to replace squeaks of chagrin, but even  
Shampoo found it difficult to go into battle clad only in panties.  
(Her habitual refusal to wear a bra was coming back to haunt her.)  
Only Ranma seemed ready to fight.  
  
If she had gotten the time.  
  
"Swee-- Oh, my GOD."  
  
Happosai stared at a dream come true. Being unaware of what had  
really happened to him at the beach (Remember that part of our saga,  
dear readers?) and not ever having bothered to learn about the Girl  
Days training, he was completely overcome by the sight of a real live  
Ranma-chan in honest to gosh female undergarments. True, they   
weren't what would be classified properly as "Silky Darlings"--  
modest cotton panties and a sports bra aren't lingerie in the usual  
sense-- but they were there. For the first time in his life,   
Happosai was paralyzed in amazement.  
  
At any moment, the inevitable glomp would be attempted,  
Ranma would have to defend herself, her bet would be lost, and then--  
  
Rescue comes from the least likely of sources. For once the   
wrath of heaven was not slow yet sure, but fast as hell. Kuno, you  
see, being totally convinced of the purity and exclusivity of his two  
loves, was too enraged with their obvious maidenly shame to be   
fascinated by their underclad forms. And he, like any sane person,  
pretty much loathed Happosai. Perhaps the only thing he held in   
common with a sane person.  
  
Since Happosai was so dazed at the sight of Ranma in female  
underclothes he probably wouldn't have noticed a freight train, he   
didn't notice the equally as unswervable Tatewaki Kuno.  
  
"FOR THE DIGNITY OF THE FAIR SEX-- ONE HUNDRED STRIKES!!!!  
YAATATATATATATATATATATATATA!!!!!"  
  
Ranma blinked. She... she'd won her bet. KUNO had started  
the fight with Happosai, not her. And she had witnesses. And with  
Happy distracted, that meant--  
  
"An Opening!" And with that, she... leapt away, with Akane in   
her arms.  
  
Happosai, on the other have, was so disoriented by the sight  
of Ranma in... aw, YOU know, that he allowed a hit to get in.   
Spinning and dodging the rest of the blows, he saw--  
  
"Penguin-Chan!"  
  
Well, that's not what he saw, but all things considered,  
it was an understandable mistake.  
  
Ukyo, Shampoo, and frankly everyone else on the school grounds  
stared in complete and total astonishment as Happosai suddenly  
glomped Tatewaki Kuno, happily nuzzling the tuxedo. The penguins  
were still lurking deep within his mind somewhere, and they had been  
bought to the fore.  
  
So, Tatewaki Kuno became the first man-- with the arguable  
exception of Ranma, and the incident with Konatsu, anyway-- to be   
glomped by Happosai.   
  
Like the girls, he didn't like it.  
  
Unlike the girls, Kuno didn't have the instinctive "Scream  
and Bash" reflex.  
  
So, he just stood there in shock while Happosai cuddled up to   
him.  
  
"Hey, old perv, you branching out or something?"  
  
Happosai looked about, distracted for a moment, and then   
realized that he was hugging not a girl or a female penguin, but a   
sartorially elegant samurai wannabe. He then noticed that sweet lil'  
Ranma-chan had returned, dressed in... leather? Tight, skimpy black  
leather? With boots and a choker and everything?  
  
This was the happiest day of his life! Ranma had gone all girl,  
there were many other girls here all in their undies, and there was  
even a semi-penguin! And Akane was dressed up... wait a moment,  
he wasn't sure what Ranma was wearing, but Akane looked like she was  
in some sort of fighting costume. Damn sexy fighting costume,  
though.  
  
"I can't believe you were right about everything, Ranma."  
  
"Hey, I'm due. Yo, Old Perv, you're gonna have to answer for   
this stunt! This is going WAY too far!"  
  
"Wha-- You should have more respect to a freedom fighter,  
Ranma!"  
  
"FREEDOM-- What freedom?"  
  
"The freedom of all these lovely girls to be exposed!" To   
Happosai, there was no higher calling.  
  
Ranma's eyebrow twitched. Anger, outrage, and slightly   
unbalanced hormones (it being the start of That Time again) mixed  
to create one seriously upset girl.   
  
And she wasn't the only one.  
  
Meanwhile, Happosai started to dash about, laughing like a   
maniac (which, after all, was pretty much the case), groping from   
left to right. Ranma and Akane gave chase.  
  
Kuno, not quite understand why the pony-tailed girl was dressed  
in scant black leather or why Akane was in a close fitting yellow  
and black outfit joined the chase partly because he just HAD to get  
a closer look, and partly because he was REALLY upset with Happosai,  
who had crossed yet another line. No-one who isn't female, cute,  
and under 30 glomped Tatewaki Kuno!  
  
Shampoo and Ukyo, having made it to the locker rooms, started  
to change into gym outfits to join in the pervert punishing spree.  
In fact, the number of tight-filled gym shorts was increasing  
as girls by the dozens tried to get to the locker rooms and the only  
clothes they had. Unfortunately, Happosai's pattern of glomps,  
gropes, fondles, and the like was keeping all but the most skilled  
and/or determined from getting there. So the vast majority were   
squealing in indignation, embarrassment, and panties.  
  
In the locker rooms, something unexpected happened. That being  
a confused voice asking, "Does anyone know the way to the Tendo Do--  
awk."  
  
Ryoga suddenly realized that he was in a girl's locker room,  
that there were two definite girls in extremely limited amounts  
of clothing in front of him, that he recognized these two girls,  
that they were both skilled martial artists, and that he was not   
going to pass out from a nosebleed this time because they would   
certainly kill him before he had the chance.  
  
Instead, Shampoo tossed the Lost Boy a towel, and said, "Wipe  
nose, then come help kill old pervert."  
  
"Old... d-do you mean Happosai?" asked Ryoga, trying not to look  
at Ukyo in a borrowed pair of bloomers adjusting her breast   
wrappings.  
  
"Hai. Old Pervert make all girl's clothes vanish."  
  
"Including Akane's," added Ukyo, who knew which buttons to push.  
  
"HE WHAT?!?"  
  
As Ryoga burst through the wall in a fit of fury, somehow   
heading directly for Happosai (instead of, say, Poughkeepsie)  
Shampoo whistled. "Good form in door making. Lost boy have   
potential."  
  
####  
  
Cologne sighed. "Mousse, I forgot something. Run an errand  
for me, would you?"  
  
Mousse came uncomplaining. He wasn't sure why he'd recently  
gotten a nice raise (For that matter, neither was Cologne, but she   
felt it was a good idea) but it had made him less resentful about  
his job. "Well, since everything's clean... you don't need me for   
the lunch rush?"  
  
"I'll survive. I have some herbal tea I want you to take to   
Ranma."  
  
Mousse scowled. "And what's the idea of sending HIM tea?"  
  
"SHE is about to start her period if she hasn't already. I   
doubt that she'll be anywhere nearly as erratic as the last time,  
but I for one don't want to take chances. It's a comfort tea for   
cramps and the occasional emotional upset..."  
  
"Are you certain you have enough here?" asked Mousse in a   
suddenly nervous tone. He'd heard a LOT about Ranma's first time.  
It wasn't confidence inspiring.  
  
"A couple of liters is more than enough for the day, and   
tomorrow also, and I'll deliver the dry version tomorrow. Lunch rush  
IS about to start, but I can handle it until you return. So, hurry  
up!"  
  
"Yes'm," replied Mousse.  
  
As he left, Cologne had a strange feeling that he was going to   
be late returning...  
  
####  
  
"HAPPOSAI, PREPARE TO DIE!"  
  
"WHAT RYOGA SAID!"  
  
"ME TOO! THERE HE GOES, RANMA!"  
  
"FOUL DEMON! TO AFFRONT THE MAIDENS OF THIS LAND WITH SUCH   
UNSPEAKABLE ACTIONS IS GROUNDS FOR THE MOST VIGOUROUS PUNISHMENT!"  
  
"WHAT STICK-BOY SAID!"  
  
"I'M GONNA MAKE PERVERT OKONOIYAKI!"  
  
For some reason, Happosai got the vague impression that people  
were upset at him.   
  
Ranma was getting angrier and angrier by the moment. Angry was  
far from the word, in fact. She was literally taking Ukyo's last   
threat at face value and planning to have just that for dinner.  
If she was glowing any more blue she'd have looked like an unusually  
curvy sapphire.  
  
"MOKOU TAKABISHA--"  
  
"Oh, you don't think you can get me with that old trick, Ranma?"  
chortled Happosai.  
  
"-- REVISED! TIGRESSES RIGHTEOUS FURY!"  
  
"Tigre-- whoa?"  
  
The twin impacts of the splitting chi-sphere caught Happosai  
off guard. Although he didn't fall-- he had WAY too much energy  
from this caper for that-- he wasn't at all happy.  
  
"Oh, a new trick? Well, it's time you learned that your master  
is still just that! HAPPO FIRE-BURST!"  
  
The tossed bomb sailed right at the redhead, who ignored it--  
as it incinerated against her battle aura like a feather in a blast  
furnace.  
  
"Then again," stammered Happosai, who was completely lost at   
such a turn of events.  
  
That's when Akane froze, realizing why Ranma was glowing so   
brightly. How could she have lost track of time like that?  
  
"Everyone, back off! Ranma's having her time! And Happosai's  
got her really really angry!"  
  
"Ack!" said Ukyo.  
  
"No good!" squeaked Shampoo.  
  
"Huh?" said Ryoga, uncomprehending.  
  
"Her-- how long have you been a girl, Ranma-chan?" asked   
Happosai, nervously, as he had a VERY good idea of what that meant.  
  
"Two months!" yelled Akane. "You better give up now!"  
  
Happosai thought back to certain Amazons he had... annoyed  
in the past when it was that time of the month. He thought about  
Ranma's intense chi abilities. He thought about how damn angry she  
looked at the moment. He thought about the possibility of becoming  
pate' au Hentai.  
  
As Ranma approached the old man, Happosai ran through as many  
options as possible. Unfortunately all of them seemed to almost  
certainly end with severe bodily harm as the Founding Master of   
Anything Goes Martial Arts And Panty Thievery realized that for the  
moment, Ranma was something along the lines of a runaway train loaded  
with H-bombs.  
  
Wait-- hadn't Genma, his once prize pupil, created a technique  
to deal with exactly this sort of thing? Why yes, a powerful   
technique, one that the panda had even used against Happosai   
successfully in the past. And if Genma could do it, why not   
Happosai?   
  
Especially since breathing was much more fun than the   
alternative.  
  
Gathering his strength, his chi, and his courage, Happosai  
crouched, took a deep breath, and--  
  
Collapsed face down on the ground, groveling, and chanting,  
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"  
  
Ranma hadn't expected to be faced with the Crouch of the Wild  
Tiger. For a moment she stopped, actually calming a bit. "You're  
what?"  
  
"I'm sorry! I didn't know you'd take it so badly! It was just  
an innocent little joke! Have pity on an old man, dear Ranma-chan!"  
  
"Well... okay, I won't kill you, then..."  
  
"Oh, THANK you, THANK you, Ranma-chan-- OW!"  
  
As Ranma, with a quick boot to the rear changed the Crouch of   
the Wild Tiger to the Crouch of the Flying Tiger, she suddenly  
felt more tired than she had been in a long while...  
  
Mousse came by with the tea at just the right moment.  
  
Of course, trying to give it to Kuno at first was a mistake...  
  
####  
  
"He didn't have to get so angry about it," complained Mousse,  
who was nursing a knot where Kuno had bopped him.  
  
"He'd been groped by Happosai, caught up in the chase, and then  
you called him Saotome. Don't you know he can't understand that   
Ranma and the Pony-tailed girl are the same person?" explained  
Akane.  
  
"Has he got bad eyes too?"  
  
"No, he's just incredibly stupid."  
  
"Passably good with that stick, though..."  
  
Ranma nursed her tea, feeling a lot better. "Man, this is the  
LAST time I EVER go through one of these again... I hate losing   
control like that..."  
  
"You didn't lose control, Ranchan, you just, well... got very  
very mad."  
  
"Look! Spooky boy catch demon!"  
  
The idea that Gosunkugi could succeed with magic was   
sufficiently distracting to change the subject. It turned out that  
Shampoo was right-- the voodooist had indeed caught the demon by the  
simple expedient of nailing it's feet to the floor.   
  
"THAT works for catching demons?" exclaimed Ranma.  
  
"It certainly does, Apprentice," said the voice of Cologne,  
who had wondered where Mousse had gotten to. "Minor ones, anyhow,  
if one uses cold iron nails and can distract the demon. And from the  
state of dress of many here, I can see that he would be   
distracted..."  
  
The Pauly Shore lookalike fumed. "True. I never claimed to be  
up there in the ranks of the downstairs, anyhow. Mind letting me   
go?"  
  
"You got a lot of clothes to replace first, pal," Ranma   
retorted.  
  
"You, lady, ain't any fun. Oh, well, you caught me, but if I do  
undo the spell, promise Candle-Head here will let me go?"  
  
"Y-you embarrassed A-akane," replied Gosunkugi.  
  
"Boy, I'd take the deal," reprimanded Cologne. "No matter how  
upset you are at him."  
  
Reluctantly, Gosunkugi complied. A moment later, the populace  
returned to their previous state of dress, excepting those who had   
had a chance to get gym clothes or fighting uniforms. They later  
found their clothing in their lockers. (Pauly was something of a   
completist, after all.)   
  
That evening, Akane mused idly, "You know, I wonder how far you  
DID kick the old man, Ranma. You were pretty powered up when you did  
it, and he'd usually back by this time..."  
  
Ranma just sipped some tea, swallowed a Midol, and shook her   
head.  
  
####  
  
"Ferguson?"  
  
"Yeah, Mac?"  
  
"Get the trank gun out-- he's back."  
  
"Oh, HELL. I'm sick of that old freak! How are we supposed  
to track the courting habits of penguins when he keeps trying to join  
in?"  
  
####  
  
Author's note--  
  
One of the things I kind of like to do in this series is to   
skewer the more commonly used fanfic clichés. Happy summoning  
a demon is one of them. It occurred to me that he'd never waste a   
perfectly good demon on something as silly as revenge when there was  
perfectly good lechery to be had. ^_^ And I HAD to have fun with the  
penguins...  
  



	18. Girl Days part 16

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
(Disclaimer: Gerbils are not, in general, carnivores.)  
  
Part Sixteen : Norse by Norsewest  
  
####  
  
The sound was like unto the wailing of a soul cast into the pits  
of Hell, an agonized cry of misery and pain that caused the flesh  
to crawl and the teeth to shake. Within that scream was the   
concentrated agony of a lifetime's suffering compressed into a   
single, ululating bawl.  
  
"ANOTHER MONTH?!?" howled Ranma.  
  
"Actually, I think she's taking it rather well," mused Cologne.  
  
"ANOTHER MONTH?!?" howled Ranma.  
  
"Well, it's not really my fault, apprentice," replied Cologne.  
"I couldn't read the warning label on the soap, after all, so I   
didn't know it would have a cumulative effect on the cursed form.  
Most people use it to stay in the not-cursed form, you know, so it   
never occurred to me that this would happen. I only know because  
the salesman for the Jusenkyo Mail-Order House mentioned it in   
passing."  
  
"ANOTHER MONTH?!?" howled Ranma.  
  
"Think of it this way, all your new clothes aren't going to go   
to waste."  
  
"ANOTHER MONTH?!?" howled Ranma.  
  
"You keep saying that. Besides, it's more like a month and a   
half," the Amazon matriarch said, testily.  
  
"Elder Cologne, why couldn't you read the warning label?" Nodoka  
inquired. "That hardly seems to make sense."  
  
"Well, you see, the label was written in Coptic."  
  
"Why did they do something THAT stupid?" demanded Akane, who   
wasn't happy with the upset that this revelation bought.  
  
"Well, it took a little persuasion--"  
  
"Shampoo beat it out of stupid salesman," Shampoo explained.  
  
"Ahem. Yes, more or less. They only print the label in Coptic  
for the Chinese and Japanese markets," Cologne added.  
  
"WHY?" screamed Ranma, who was understandably upset to learn  
that her last week as a girl was going to last for six weeks instead.  
  
"Because no-one would buy the stuff if they could read the   
warning label. Makes perfect sense, really, from a strictly   
mercenary view."  
  
"Excuse me. I'm going to change into my Amazon outfit, get my   
bonbori and my mallet and Mom's katana and a few barbells and find  
this clown and give him the freaking Kiss of Death," Ranma snarled.  
  
"Ranma no Amazon yet," Shampoo said, uncertainly.  
  
"Practice makes perfect," replied the redhead.   
  
"I understand your aggravation, Ranma. I share it to some   
extent. But even under Amazon law this isn't a transgression  
worthy of the Kiss of Death," Cologne chided.  
  
"Is there a Kiss of Maiming?"  
  
"No--"  
  
"How about a Kiss of Severe Pummeling About The Head And   
Shoulders?"  
  
"He's just a salesman, Ranma. Innocent, really. Besides,  
Shampoo has already sufficiently upheld your honor during her...  
interrogation."  
  
"I got a LOTTA honor to uphold," Ranma groused.  
  
"Ranma, be calm. If you like, you do not have to wear girl's  
clothing, as this extension was unplanned... although you really  
should continue with appropriate undergarments, I think," Nodoka  
said.  
  
Ranma paused. "I dunno. My Chinese stuff is OK when I'm a guy,  
but it's got no style on this body. 'Sides, that'd be like giving  
up. Might as well keep wearing the girl's stuff, but I'm taking  
a whole month off when I get my own shape back."  
  
"That is more than fair, daughter."  
  
"Besides, I haven't had a chance to show Pop my new dress,   
anyway. Heh."  
  
"The blue one with the deep neckline and the slit skirt?" Akane  
asked. "He'll have a heart attack if you go outside in that thing,  
Ranma. It's... well, it's so..."  
  
"Yeah, ain't it?" smirked Ranma.  
  
Nodoka nodded. "So THAT'S why you bought that one, Ranma."  
  
"Partly. And partly because I DO look good in it."  
  
"Good not what Shampoo think. Dangerous what Shampoo think."  
  
Ranma smirked. "Hey, with a figure like mine, dangerous  
is good!"  
  
"Well, we don't have to worry about your ego, anyhow..."  
Akane rolled her eyes and sighed.  
  
####  
  
The dockworker stared at a sight that was essentially strange.  
Since for once something strange was happening outside Nerima, that  
meant that people were paying attention to it.  
  
After all, one doesn't often see a custom's agent in a heated  
discussion with a Viking in Tokyo harbor.  
  
For that matter, one rarely sees a custom's agent in a heated  
discussion with a Viking anywhere. It's not what you call an   
everyday occurrence.  
  
The matter under discussion was what the proper docking fees   
were for a longboat. The customs official wanted Yen, and the Viking  
wanted to pay in herring.  
  
"Look you, herring is NOT legal tender in Japan!"  
  
"Is perfectly good herring! Is big export to Kasarikustan!  
Finest kind herring!"  
  
"Maybe so, but it's not money! You pay docking fees with   
money!"  
  
"Sven thought Japanese people like fish?"  
  
"Which we buy with money!"  
  
"Here fish already, no need money!"  
  
"Look, it's just the way it is-- you have to pay the docking  
fee with yen. I can't accept herring! It's against the rules!"  
  
"No can take herring?"  
  
"Exactly!"  
  
"Oh. Ah... how about tuna? Have very good tuna..."  
  
"I wish I was back in Nerima. THERE I could have expected  
something like this," the customs official groaned.  
  
####  
  
Ranma was not a happy girl. Mainly because she was going to be  
a girl for a while longer than she thought. At least this time she  
had some idea how to handle the situation, unlike the cat's-tongue  
pressure point incident or the Chiisuton incident (Herb No Baka).  
She knew how to be a girl and could deal with it.  
  
Frowning, she picked up a set of her Chinese clothes, the sort  
she normally wore as a boy. Oh, sure, she could wear them now if she  
chose to, but what would be the point? It would be saying that she'd  
failed the training, that she couldn't really handle being a girl.  
It would be, as she had said, giving up.  
  
And she NEVER gave up. No, this was just one more in a series  
of inconveniences for her. Well, it wasn't going to beat her.   
NOTHING beat Ranma Saotome. Not for good, anyhow.  
  
"Ranma?" came her mother's voice from outside her door.  
  
"Come in, Mom." She began to fold the red shirt, sighing.  
Be a while before she wore it again, after all.  
  
Nodoka entered, with a sad expression. "I know this accident  
must be very upsetting for you, dear..."  
  
"Yeah. It is. But I can handle it. Been through worse things  
before. Although... never mind..."  
  
"What? Perhaps I can help with it. I feel somewhat responsible  
for this, you know..."  
  
"No, I can guarantee you can't help with this one," Ranma   
replied, trying to repress a sudden snicker.  
  
Nodoka raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what is that?"  
  
"Well... I shouldn't tell you, it ain't ladylike. Or even   
tomboy-like."  
  
"Then... this I HAVE to hear."  
  
"Well... you wanna know what I was really looking forward to   
when I was a guy again?"  
  
"Hmm... Being stronger? Wearing boxers again? Shaving your   
face instead of your legs?"  
  
"No... being able to pee standing up."  
  
Nodoka fell flat on her face. After a second, she mumbled  
something incoherent.  
  
"Mom? What'd you say?"  
  
Raising herself slightly, Nodoka murmured, "That seems so...  
trivial."  
  
"On the contrary, it's the height of manliness, and you always  
say that that's important."  
  
"Height of manliness?"  
  
"Well, I don't know any girls that can do it, including me..."  
  
Nodoka groaned while Ranma grinned.  
  
####  
  
"[It is this way, Sven.]"  
  
"[No, Olaf, it's that way. We asked directions and the boy said  
that way.]"  
  
"[I know, but he also said we were in Osaka. That sign says   
Tokyo. I do not think he knows directions very well.]"  
  
"[Good point. Hey, let us ask that boy with the strange axe.]"  
  
Ukyo Kounji was used to peculiar events in Nerima. Of course,  
everyone in Nerima was used to peculiar events, but since Ukyo was   
more often personally involved than most, she could usually shrug  
off the sillier things.  
  
"Good day. Is nice axe. Where Nekohanten eating place?"  
  
Ukyo turned around, expecting from the phrasing and the Chinese  
accent to see Amazons.  
  
These were not Amazons. Amazons did not wear fur kilts, woolen  
vests, and horned helmets. Amazons weren't close to seven foot tall  
with long golden hair, beards, and piercing ice-blue eyes. And   
Amazons didn't smell like fish.  
  
"Um... about ten blocks that way, then left for another three...  
you can't miss it."  
  
"Thanking you. Have herring as thanking you gift."  
  
"[You and the herring again! Forget the herring!]"  
  
"[It's supposed to be polite to give gifts in Japan, I heard!  
And it's perfectly good herring!]"  
  
The sight of two apparent Vikings arguing in Chinese was   
sufficiently distracting to Ukyo that she just stood staring as they  
walked off. Then she stared at the herring that had been thrust  
in her hand.   
  
At least it was a very high quality herring.  
  
####  
  
Mousse was whistling happily at the news of Ranma's latest   
complication. The way the near-blind martial artist figured it, the  
longer Ranma was female, the likelier that Shampoo would come to her  
senses and realize that he was the only one for her.  
  
He happily scrubbed the pots and pans in the quite warm   
dishwater (At the Nekohanten, hot water was a MUST for dishwashing,  
since wings didn't hold a scrubbing pad very well) and as each was   
dried, tossed them into his sleeves for later storage in the   
cabinets. Although the Amazon Hidden Weapons Technique that he had  
become the Grand Master of was meant mainly for weapons, it did have  
other uses.   
  
As he heard the jingle of the front door bell, he dried his   
hands, carefully put on his glasses so that he would not accidentally  
take an order from a trash can or something (Not that that actually  
mattered, since sometimes Tsubasa ate there and he WOULD find himself  
taking orders from a trash can) and stepped out-- and froze.  
  
"Sven? Olaf?"  
  
"[Who else? Where's the old mummy?]" replied Sven.  
  
"[She's out taking care of some rather, well, unusual business.  
You guys want anything while you wait for her to arrive?]"  
  
"[No, I don't think so. Unless you have some herring?]"  
  
Olaf swatted Sven. "[ENOUGH WITH THE HERRING!!!]"  
  
Returning to Japanese, Mousse said "Well, it's good to see you.  
And the old mummy is going to find your arrival... interesting."  
  
Olaf nodded. "As well will you. I'm afraid that Hilda has   
learned you are in Japan also," in much better Japanese than his   
companion.  
  
Mousse paled. "H-Hilda?"  
  
Sven grinned. "Hilda not get it, you want Shampoo, not her.   
Hilda still want you."  
  
Mousse groaned. Hilda. Of all the people he did NOT want to   
see, Hilda was number one with a bullet. No, make that a Saturn  
Five Booster. "She... she didn't come with you, did she?"  
  
"No," Olaf said. "But I have no doubt that she's on her way.  
Should be interesting, when she and Shampoo start fighting again."  
  
"I won't let her hurt Shampoo--"  
  
"Know that. Hilda no care, Hilda never give up. Viking woman  
and Amazon woman not too different that way." Sven grinned again.  
  
"So I know to my grief. Shampoo has... abandoned me. Cruel  
fate has caused her to become tied to an outsider..."  
  
"So I heard. Pity we can't help with that, but it's your laws,  
not ours."  
  
"Yah, is shame. Treaty not let us help you."  
  
Mousse groaned again.  
  
####  
  
Perhaps the only person less pleased than Ranma about the news  
of the unexpected extension in her Girl Days was Genma. He also   
wasn't pleased with his neo-daughter's method of dealing with it--  
which was simply to continue.  
  
"I INSIST that you stop wearing those ridiculous outfits NOW,  
Ranma! Such behavior is unbefitting to a true martial artist! And  
you look absurd!"  
  
Ranma, who was sparring with Akane in a black leotard and   
cropped red tank-top with matching legwarmers, retorted, "A lot you  
know about it. I got a sense of fashion, see? And I don't look   
absurd, neither!"  
  
"At least wear a gi! Akane wears a gi, that's proper! Those  
clothes are too... too..."  
  
"Yeah, aren't they? I tell you, it's amazing how good a girl  
can look with just a bit-- Defense, Akane, defense-- of effort.  
And these are more comfortable than a gi anyhow."  
  
Genma scowled. If he didn't know better, he would have thought  
that Ranma was doing this just to annoy him. (Genma somehow didn't  
quite understand that Ranma was somewhat short of filial piety.)  
"Have you no shame? No sense of tradition?"  
  
Ranma ducked a punch from Akane, signaled a pause, and scratched  
her head in contemplation. "Hmmm... Nope. Don't think I do. Akane,  
you think I got any of that stuff?"  
  
Akane shrugged. "Well, a sense of tradition I don't know about,  
but I know you have some shame. I mean, you haven't danced down the  
street in a G-string and pasties yet." Akane also had somewhat  
less than a great deal of respect for Genma.  
  
Genma, being Genma, misunderstood. "You-- you HAVE such   
things?"  
  
"Of course not! I'm a martial artist, not a showgirl! Panda  
no baka," retorted the redhead.  
  
"You're not DRESSED like a martial artist!"  
  
"Well, since we started with some gymnastic practice before  
sparring, it seemed like a good outfit to try. You know, if you'd  
fallen into the Nyannichuan also, you'd probably like the outfit  
too. I don't think a panda would look good in a leotard, though..."  
Akane burst into a fit of giggles at the mental image of Genma-panda  
in a black leotard and red crop-top.  
  
"So little respect, after all I've done for you..."  
  
"You mean done TO me."  
  
"This is becoming preposterous! Your mother is insane! Your  
mother is demented! Your mother is completely out of her mind!"  
  
"My mother is standing behind you."  
  
"Awk."  
  
"Wow, Ranma... I never saw Auntie generate a battle aura   
before," Akane murmured.  
  
"Urk."  
  
"Genma. May I speak with you for a moment?"  
  
"Glarg."  
  
As Nodoka dragged Genma off by one ear, Ranma shrugged, and then  
resumed sparring.  
  
####  
  
For reasons Ryoga Hibiki couldn't fathom, almost every recent  
trip to Nerima seemed to involve females in limited states of dress.  
From Ranma's bikini to her leathers to that incident in the Furinkan  
locker room (How Ukyo kept THOSE hidden behind a simple bandage,  
he would never figure out-- and he was determined not to try to,   
since it was bad for his blood pressure) every time he came around  
recently meant someone dressed very provocatively.  
  
A G-string and pasties would not surprise him at this point.  
It would make him pass out, but it would not surprise him.  
  
Fortunately, that was not what he saw. It almost came close,  
though.  
  
As Ryoga aimlessly (of course) turned a corner, he saw something  
that would haunt his dreams for the rest of his life. (Actually,  
it would wind up haunting a lot of people's dreams, but Ryoga,   
unlucky beggar that he was, saw it first.)   
  
It was a girl.  
  
A girl over six feet tall with waist-long pale blonde hair in   
twin braids, a body that rivaled Ranma's or Shampoo's, and wearing  
only an extremely skimpy honest-to-Conan chainmail bikini, soft   
leather boots, and a small horned helmet (Horned skullcap, really).  
Except for this eccentric garmenture, the only other thing she bore  
was a sword that was nearly as long as she was tall. She had a cute,  
pretty, and slightly psychotic expression.  
  
Ryoga immediately grabbed his nose to staunch the threatened  
explosion of blood.  
  
"I look for Mousse," the girl said in a thick Chinese accent  
with an oddly Scandinavian tinge to it. "You know Mousse?"  
  
"The dessert, the hair product, or the Amazon?" Ryoga asked  
uncertainly, while holding his nose. He had his suspicions,  
but you never could be too sure...  
  
"Amazon."  
  
"At a restaurant called the Nekohanten. I can give you   
directions if you like."  
  
"I find. Is Viking way to find on own. Thanking anyhow."  
  
Unaware of her close encounter with areas of Japan that she   
would have had no possible interest in (such as Chicago), Hilda   
strode off.  
  
Ryoga thought, and then wondered if he should warn Mousse.  
  
Yes, probably he should. As soon as he could find a telephone  
booth, that is.  
  
And since things tend to work that way, he managed to miss every  
phone booth in a six mile walk as he made a bee-line (Well, a   
bee-line if the bee was drunk, stoned, and on a crack high) to the   
Tendo Dojo.  
  
####  
  
Cologne, matriarch of the Amazons, War Leader of the Jokuzetsu,  
and generally an annoying old bat, was idly making her own way to the  
Tendo's, with a sort of apology gift for Ranma. Her student had been  
doing so well in her training, that she felt the trainee girl   
deserved something special.  
  
Stopping at the Nekohanten to pick up the gift, she froze in   
amazement at the two males sitting there chatting amiably with   
Mousse. It couldn't be-- not here?  
  
"[Olaf Yellowbeard? Sven Badger-teaser? What in the deepest  
of the seventeen hells of the lower abyss are YOU misbegotten  
worms doing here?]"  
  
"[I'm happy to see you too, Elder. And actually, we're here on  
business for the Clans. We understand that Japan eats a lot of fish,  
and there's no better fishermen than a Chinese Viking.]" Olaf wasn't  
smirking, Cologne thought, but you couldn't be certain underneath  
those damnable beards.  
  
"[I'll believe that when pigs fly under their own power.]"  
Cologne forbore to mention that at least one pig of her acquaintance  
flew fairly often, under other people's power.  
  
"[Believe it or not, it's quite true. Perhaps you'd be   
interested in our services? It's apparent that you serve a fair   
amount of fish here.]"  
  
"[We have lots of really good herring,]" added Sven. Olaf hit  
him.  
  
"[ENOUGH WITH THE DAMNED TO HEL HERRING!]"  
  
Cologne blinked. The boy STILL hadn't got over his herring  
fixation? Vikings-- go figure.  
  
"[Anyhow, it's a courtesy call. Oh, and Hilda is probably  
following us. She knows that Shampoo is here, and that will mean--]"  
  
"[That Mousse is here, also, and... She STILL hasn't got it into  
her head that Viking and Amazon law will not permit her to marry   
Mousse?]"  
  
The more intelligent Viking shrugged. "[Actually, I think she  
just wants to kidnap him, take him to a desert island, and bed him   
until he wilts.]"  
  
Mousse shuddered.  
  
"[That's technically legal, I suppose,]" Cologne noted.  
  
"[Don't encourage them, Elder!]" Mousse protested. "[That girl  
is nuts! Not only would I never betray Shampoo like that, I could  
never be interested in a girl who's that much taller than me!]"  
  
Splash.  
  
As the duck quacked angrily, Cologne retorted, "[Then give up on  
Shampoo, boy, since EVERY girl is much taller than you.]"  
  
####  
  
Now, there is no doubt in the mind of this poor writer that his  
readers, being the wise and perceptive lot that they are, can easily  
predict that the arrival of a pack of Chinese Vikings in Nerima   
(Chinese Vikings? Aren't Chinese Amazons bad enough?) of which one  
is an attractive, if somewhat strange female means that the life of   
one Ranma Saotome is once again going to be put into the metaphorical  
blender, set on "Reduce to Component Molecules". Normally, this   
would be the result of said attractive but strange female falling  
for Ranma's masculine charms.  
  
Since at the moment Ranma was severely lacking in masculine  
charms, and was rather dealing with a surfeit of charms of the   
feminine variety, the usual   
girl-falls-for-Ranma-and-Ranma-gets-attacked-by-jealous-boyfriend  
plot wasn't likely to be happening. This was in direct contradiction  
to the way the universe works.  
  
Other writers have postulated that certain things are   
inevitable. The sun rises in the east, the moon causes tides, and   
some guy decides that Ranma is making a play at his girl despite  
massive evidence to the contrary (Such as Ranma actively running  
away from said girl).  
  
In this area, although such luminaries as Ryoga and Kuno did   
shine pretty bright, there was little doubt that the all time king  
of this type of behavior is Mousse. Where Kuno was merely deluded,  
and Ryoga had other reasons for assaulting Ranma, Mousse was...  
  
Forgive me...  
  
Blind to reality.  
  
Despite Ranma's frequent protests that he did NOT wish to marry  
Shampoo, that he had no intention of ever marrying Shampoo, and the  
unstated subtext that he'd probably rather be eaten alive by rabid  
chinchillas than marry Shampoo, Mousse firmly believed that Ranma  
was actively trying to take Shampoo away from him. When Ranma would  
protest that that was not the case, Mousse would attack on the   
grounds that Ranma was unfairly rejecting Shampoo. At times Mousse  
would attack just because Ranma was on the same island as Shampoo.  
  
Mousse had a rather Shampoo-centric worldview. Somehow he   
managed to relate EVERYTHING to Shampoo with the possible exception  
of the cheese sandwich that he kept in one sleeve.  
  
In other words, Mousse was a pretty screwed up character.  
Which meant that he fit into Nerima just dandy.  
  
This time, it would be dandier than usual.  
  
####  
  
"Ryoga-kun. How nice to see you," Kasumi fluted. The Eternal  
Lost Boy looked up at the eldest Tendo sister with an expression  
of confusion.  
  
"Kasumi? What are you doing in this phone booth?"  
  
Kasumi's brow wrinkled for a moment in mild confusion. "But...  
this is my kitchen, Ryoga-kun."  
  
"It is? No wonder I couldn't find the phone..."  
  
Smiling, Kasumi passed a cup of tea to Ryoga. "Are you here to  
play with Ranma?"  
  
"No... although come to think of it, he'll be interested  
in this news also. Um... he IS a he right now, isn't he?"  
  
Kasumi shook her head. "No, there was something wrong with the  
soap. She'll be a girl for another month or so. I'm afraid she's  
a bit upset about that."  
  
Images of being a pig for a month passed through Ryoga's mind.  
Shuddering, he sipped his tea.  
  
Familiar voices approached, and Ranma and Akane entered the   
kitchen. Ryoga glanced at Ranma's leotard and crop-top and shrugged.  
After the Viking girl, this was nothing.  
  
"Hey, Ryoga. Been, what, a week?"  
  
"Oh, hello there, Ryoga-kun!"  
  
"Ranma," Ryoga said seriously, "Have you seen a very tall girl  
with blonde hair in a chainmail bikini around?"  
  
Ranma blinked. "Ah, no. Why, did you lose one?"  
  
"No... I saw one today. She was looking for Mousse at the   
Nekohanten. I offered to give her directions, but she said no."  
  
Ranma, having learned that casual insults did have somewhat  
negative effects-- Nodoka was a good teacher-- refrained from   
commenting on the girl's good sense and merely nodded.  
  
"You're certain she wasn't looking for Ranma?" asked Akane,  
suspiciously.  
  
"No, she definitely said Mousse. I was going to call him and   
tell him about it, but someone's stolen all the telephone booths."  
  
"Stolen all the... never mind. I don't want to know." When   
Ryoga said something like that, it was usually better not to inquire,  
Ranma believed.  
  
"Well, we have a phone. You can borrow it."  
  
"Thank you, Akane." (So kind, so gentle...)  
  
"It's out in the hall."  
  
"I'll make that call right away!"   
  
A moment passed.  
  
"Why did Ryoga-kun walk into the hall closet?" mused Kasumi.  
  
Ranma just sighed as Ryoga, ever helpful, called out "Hey, did  
you know all the lights in your hallway are burned out?"  
  
####  
  
Hilda didn't understand these Japanese people. They kept   
staring at her.   
  
It was as if they had never seen a six foot three inch very   
buxom blonde Chinese Viking in a chainmail bikini before.  
  
Also, the streets of Nerima were like the streets of almost  
any other Japanese metropolitan area-- namely, twisted, crowded,  
and chaotic. City planning wasn't a major part of Japanese thought  
through most of their history, and the only reason Japanese mailmen  
didn't "go postal" like some did in the US was because of the   
stringent gun control laws. Finding your way even with a sense of   
direction could be difficult in the more twisty neighborhoods  
(Part of why Ryoga could get lost within a block-- although Ryoga  
could do that in an open field), and that was if you had directions.  
  
Viking Pride demanded that she find her way on her own.  
  
Viking Pride was going to become something that a lot of people  
were going to say a great many very very bad things about.  
  
Viking Hunger, on the other hand, told her that she should eat  
something.  
  
On that, it's time once again to digress from the story and have  
a little lesson in Japanese Culture For The Totally Clueless.  
Today's subject-- the Yatai.  
  
Much is made of the famous yatai that Genma Saotome acquired  
from Ukyo's father. However, it behooves us to define what a yatai  
IS. So, what IS a yatai?  
  
A yatai is sort of a Japanese Pushcart. Only more so. Handy  
fold out chairs, plastic sheeting for walls, small posters, and the  
like create a sort of folding restaurant. A well designed yatai,  
with a good cook, is a thing of, well, not beauty-- there's never  
been a beautiful yatai-- but efficiency and coziness.  
  
Some yatai are so well operated that they get reviewed in   
Japanese restaurant magazines, and when the owner decides to change  
locations, he often gets a devoted crowd following him there. Where  
an American pushcart is just a mobile food service thing, a yatai  
is more like a mobile restaurant. A very tiny restaurant, true, but  
a restaurant still.  
  
The yatai that is so often mentioned in the chronicles as told  
by the estimable Ms. Takahashi is actually somewhat limited, meant  
for country roads and small towns. A city yatai is chrome and steel  
and plastic and pretty darn sophisticated and isn't hauled by hand.  
And it's a miracle of engineering.  
  
Like the one that is in our story right now.  
  
Which we're going back to.  
  
Fred Yamada was the only purveyor of genuine American Style   
hamburgers in Nerima. It's a tragic fact that most Japanese,  
although very careful never to overcook other foods, tend to overcook  
hamburger. By overcook, we mean to a blackish gray consistency,  
where meat ceases to be tender and moves into the crisp area.   
American GIs on Japanese duty refer to this as the "Crunchy Hamburger  
Effect".  
  
Fred had spent a year in America during his days in the JSDF,  
on an obscure exchange program. He had come across a true American  
hamburger and had fallen in love. He understood the need for fresh  
onions sliced just so, and dill pickle slices, and mustard, and   
cooking the patty JUST right. And he was about the only person in   
Nerima who COULD.  
  
So Fred's four stool yatai was quite popular indeed. "Fred's  
Burgers" were not only the best in Nerima, by Western standards  
they were the ONLY burgers in Nerima. (Other places that claimed  
to sell burgers were actually selling, by Western standards,  
meat-based charcoal briquettes.)  
  
Lest anyone think otherwise, Fred was also a martial artist.  
Not by choice, or even by training, but rather from Darwinian  
law. When Nerima has a food fight, the food can sometimes explode.  
His girlfriend, one Eiko Hasagawa, had taught him some of the basics,  
and he had started to develop his own style. It was surprising  
how useful a properly handled leaf of lettuce could be in self   
defense. And, of course, flipping hamburgers all day had made him   
the only practitioner of a spatula-based Art besides one Ukyo   
Kuonji-- who he held a friendly rivalry with. (Her spatula was much  
bigger, but his, although normal sized, were lead weighted, and had  
a two foot chain connecting them. Yes, Spat-chuks.)  
  
He had never trained by flipping burgers against the raging  
sea, of course, but sometimes he considered it. Besides, there was  
decent profit potential at the beach.  
  
Being both a martial artist and a Neriman, he had a somewhat  
well honed sense of incoming threats.  
  
Underclad overbuilt Chinese Vikings qualified very nicely in the  
threat category.  
  
Underclad overbuilt Chinese Vikings that slapped down a thick,  
large, and shiny gold coin qualified in the Friend For Life category.  
Hilda had done just that.  
  
"Smell good. Want food. This pay?"  
  
"I'll say. For about anything. What do you want?"  
  
"Uh... you pick?"  
  
Fred paused. Someone THIS oddly dressed was probably...  
"Do you... eat a lot?"  
  
"Am Viking," Hilda replied, as if that explained everything.  
  
Fred shrugged. Oddly, it did. "Sounds like you'd like a Ranma  
Special, then."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Little redheaded girl I know. Cute as all... well, anyhow,  
she can eat a lot, and it should satisfy you too. Coming up!" (When  
she's not a he,) Fred added mentally. For some reason Ranma had   
almost always arrived at Fred's in female form, and although Fred was  
aware of the curse, he tended to think of Ranma as a she anyhow.  
Especially recently with that Girl Days training thing.  
  
Hilda wondered who this Ranma was. Then her eyes widened as   
Fred began to make burgers. LARGE burgers. SIX half pound burgers  
with cheese, bacon, and the works. (Except catsup. Ranma did NOT   
like catsup.) Then there were the three orders of fries. Two   
shakes-- one chocolate, one vanilla mint. A large Coke. And the   
fried peach pie.  
  
"Is... lots of food."  
  
"Well, that's what she orders. Hey, you from China?"  
  
"Uh... yes?"  
  
"Thought so. Amazon?"  
  
"No. Viking."  
  
"Ah. So, what brings you to Japan?"  
  
Hilda sighed. Her eyes were suddenly filled with hearts, her   
breathing became erratic, and her face took on a positive glow.   
"Hilda after her angel."  
  
"Angel?"  
  
"Yes... beautiful boy, mighty fighter, clever thinker, great  
behind. But Amazon steal him. So Hilda steal back."  
  
Fred shrugged. Somehow he wasn't surprised. Strange girls   
chasing boys were not uncommon in Nerima, and in fact seemed to be   
the cause of at least half the oddness, and most of the fights.  
"Wouldn't be a fellow with a pigtail?"  
  
"No, Mousse wear hair loose."  
  
Fred almost spilled a shake. "MOUSSE?"  
  
"You know Hilda's angel?"  
  
Fred tried to reconcile the half-blind, mentally unstable  
(in his opinion) and Shampoo obsessed Amazon with the image that   
Hilda was painting. He knew Mousse well, since from time to time the  
boy would get fed up with Chinese cooking and stop by for a burger.  
Nice enough guy, when he wasn't ranting about Ranma, but...   
  
Instinct told him that Ranma would eventually wind up in a fight  
concerning this. Not that instinct was strictly needed, of course--  
it was a no-brainer to tell that a fight would pop up with this kind  
of thing happening.  
  
"We've met. Here you go..."  
  
Hilda decided she liked hamburgers.  
  
####  
  
Mousse sneezed, and continued with his duties. Hoping against  
hope that Hilda hadn't come along after all.  
  
####  
  
Hiroshi stared at what had to be the least probable sight since  
the advent of Kenchuro Tojo previously in the month. That being   
Hilda.  
  
"Dai, I didn't actually see a very tall girl in a chainmail  
bikini and a horned helmet heading towards the Tendo Dojo, did I?" he  
asked, his voice quavering.  
  
"I think you did. Of course, where else would a girl dressed  
like that be heading anyway?" Daisuke noted, reasonably.  
  
"That's true enough. You think we should follow her to see if   
there's something wrong?"  
  
"No, I think we should follow her because I want to get a closer  
look at how her tush moves under that chainmail. Rowr."  
  
"As long as we follow her. It's going to be interesting  
for certain..."  
  
####  
  
Ingredients list in place, ladies and gentlemen. Chaos is   
setting up a banquet.  
  
With hamburgers.  
  
####  
  
To Be Continued... 


	19. Girl Days part 17

Girl Days  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction  
  
by Robert Haynie  
  
( I lay no claim to the characters created by Ms. Takahashi, nor  
to the concept of a Chinese Amazon. Chinese VIKINGS, however, are  
mine, all mine! Not that I particularly WANT them...)  
  
Part Seventeen : The unfortunate lack of a Green Midget Cafe.  
  
####  
  
Look you, gentle reader, upon Nerima. See how peaceful it looks,  
how serene, how tranquil.  
  
Since this is the only place on earth that the Grateful Dead had  
refused to play because "the scene there is just way TOO freaky,  
man", one may be forgiven for looking upon this as a Bad Sign. In  
fact, as readers of these and similar chronicles know, one would have  
to be a complete and total idiot to not recognize this as a bad sign.  
  
Thus, it was with a feeling that this was going to be a prefect  
day, without any difficulties or complications, that Tatewaki Kuno  
stepped out to take a little walk. Perhaps he would avail himself of  
the surprisingly talented Ms. Kuonji's culinary abilities for a light  
repast-- Okonomiyaki was, perhaps, a peasant foodstuff, but she was  
capable of creating a surprising elegance, despite her oftentimes  
peculiar mode of dress. Or the Nekohanten, if one cared, did create  
excellent fare in the Chinese fashion, not unpleasant to the palate  
at all and of reasonable price. And, although he held no real  
attraction to the Chinese girl there, she was fair to look upon from  
time to time.  
  
More importantly, his rather demented sister had been playing  
with her chemistry set in the kitchen again, and although he had  
grown to tolerate additives that would have laid a lesser man waste,  
he didn't always LIKE them.  
  
In other words, Kuno was the aforesaid complete and total idiot.  
However, that did not mean he was stupid. In Nerima, the two were  
not necessarily interchangeable.  
  
As we shall see.  
  
####  
  
The Tendo residence was on the face of it a rather elegant house,  
really, by urban Japanese standards. Two stories, a full furo, guest  
rooms and a complete dojo.   
  
It was also a perfect ordinary house-- on the face of it.  
  
Behind that face, so carefully presented to the world-- or  
rather, the world that did not encompass the neighbors, who knew DAMN  
well that things were otherwise-- was a recurring chain of strange  
incidents that would have made a Stephen King give up on the  
supernatural stuff and start writing romance novels. Then he would  
have given up on those. It was that kind of house.  
  
It mostly fed on a redheaded girl in a blue dress giving her  
father fits.  
  
Well, it was actually the dress giving the father fits. But the  
girl wasn't helping.  
  
"You... you can't go out in THAT!"  
  
"Pops, a dress like this is MEANT for going out in," Ranma  
sighed. Nearby, unnoticed, Akane and Nabiki were doing their level  
best not to explode in hysterics. Nabiki especially felt she had a  
right to enjoy this scene, since when she had lost a bet to Ranma  
(concerning the possibility of a fight one Casual Day at Furinkan--  
and Happosai was going to pay for that. Financially as well as  
figuratively. Losing THAT much cash to RANMA. It still galled.),  
she had effectively paid for the garment in question.  
  
"But... It's practically sprayed on! It's almost indecent! It  
makes you look like a girl!"  
  
"No, it makes me look like a babe. I figure if I have another  
month of this, I'll go in for some advanced training."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Oh, I dunno. Maybe I'll get Ryoga to take me out again. We had  
a pretty good time last time before the fight broke out. Who knows,  
maybe we'll hit it off."  
  
"Gack."  
  
"I wonder if Ryoga is any good at kissing?"  
  
"Urgle."  
  
"Pumps. This outfit demands pumps. The black ones with the  
extra heel."  
  
"Glarg."  
  
"Think I'll see what Ryoga-kun is doing..." Ranma walked off,  
hips swaying just so, tossing her head in a definitely feminine  
manner, and trying desparately not to explode from hysterics herself.  
  
Meanwhile, Akane and Nabiki were stuffing opposite ends of the  
sleeves of a handy gi into their mouths to smother their own  
explosion of imminent laughter.  
  
####  
  
The sight of Ranma and Ryoga playing Shogi was not a common one  
in the Tendo household. But they had been under a sort of truce for  
a while, and neither ever got much of a chance to play since the  
Elder Saotome and the Elder Tendo (otherwise known by their codenames  
Panda-man and Waterworks) usually monopolized the table. But  
Panda-man had had to go have a lie-down, and Waterworks was writing  
an angry rebuttal to that lunatic that kept writing those stupid  
letters to the Shimbun suggesting that Japan become an American  
state. So, being at a loose end, the two rivals were playing a game  
of intellect.   
  
Being Ranma and Ryoga, the game was not only surprisingly  
skillful, it was without the usual blatant cheating and was being  
played with an intensity usually only found in a brutal martial arts  
deathmatch or an episode of "Iron Chef".  
  
"I have you now, Ranma. It's an unbeatable trap. A Three  
Pronged attack! There's no way out for you this time!" Ryoga began  
to laugh, almost maniacally. FINALLY, he had defeated--  
  
Click.  
  
"I win."  
  
Silence.  
  
"You... how did you... ARRRGH!"  
  
"If you Shi Shi Hokodan the shogi table, Pops and Tendo-san are  
gonna be upset." Ranma smiled cutely.  
  
"I'd break your nose if it wasn't for not wanting to pay for  
dry-cleaning that dress." Ryoga fumed. How had he not seen that  
move?  
  
"Anyhow, good game. Thanks for the match. I never get to play  
against Pops or Tendo-san, you know."  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
"I won't let them cheat."  
  
"Oh. So, you manage to get a hold of Mousse yet? That girl  
seemed, well, unsafe."  
  
"I've tried. But Cologne says that he already knows. Then he  
took off for who knows where, babbling something about a brilliant  
plan."  
  
"That sounds... unpleasant."  
  
Ranma nodded. "You said it."  
  
####  
  
Mousse DID have a brilliant plan.  
  
This plan was to hide in plain sight.  
  
It required a small sacrifice of his dignity for a short period  
of time, but when you regularly turned into a duck, such small  
sacrifices weren't that hard to make.  
  
Unfortunately, it also required the assistance on the one person  
he disliked most in the world (with the possible exception of a  
certain dried up old mummy)-- Ranma Saotome.  
  
But to avoid Hilda the Chinese Viking-- anything was acceptable.  
That girl SCARED him.   
  
Now, most men would have been downright elated to have the  
affections of such a piece of feminine pulchritude as Hilda. The  
girl was, as it were, a complete and 100% super babe. But Mousse had  
his heart set on Shampoo and only Shampoo, and could love no other  
woman. Besides, she was a Viking.  
  
And Viking women were... scary.   
  
Had he had a clearer view of reality, he would have realized that  
the reason Viking women were scary was because they tended to be very  
much like Amazon women-- i.e. attractive, obsessive, and at times  
insanely violent-- but being an Amazon himself, he didn't see it that  
way.  
  
It's a cultural thing.  
  
But the one thing he was certain about is that this plan would  
hide him so perfectly from Hilda that she'd never find him. Never in  
a million years.  
  
You could almost hear the panting of ominous thunder trying to  
catch up and wondering how in hell it had missed it's cue.  
  
####  
  
Tatewaki Kuno walked along, enjoying the pleasant breeze and  
whistling.  
  
####  
  
Hilda approached the Tendo Dojo by a rather erratic vector. One  
fully worthy of Ryoga Hibiki, in fact. This was not due to a  
malfunctioning sense of direction (as in Ryoga's case), but from a  
malfunctioning sense of pride. Vikings found their own way. It was  
Tradition.  
  
Tradition that most Vikings pretty well considered as obsolete as  
a bronze sword.  
  
Unlike the Amazons, who had held to their traditions for well  
over three thousand years (to the general annoyance of most) the  
Vikings had adapted over time. The longboat they had arrived in had  
oars and sails, true, but they were mostly ceremonial. It was the  
aluminum-titanium hull and the powerful diesel engine combined with  
the state of the art LORAN and GPS system that really made things  
work. They may have still lived in the longhouses of old, but they  
were nowadays insulated, electric, and had a nice little satellite TV  
dish and usually an internet connection.  
  
Also, the Vikings had generally better relations with their  
neighbors. Looting and pillaging had become a thing of the past,  
when they had discovered that (a) fishing was easier, (b) that  
actions of that sort tended to piss off people like the Musk, the  
Phoenix Mountain folk, and of course the Amazons, and (c) it was just  
too damn much work anyway. The result was cordial relations with  
most of the rather strange cultures of the forgotten parts of China,  
and at least toleration from the Amazons... who had never really  
forgiven Erik the Terribly Clever for his downright dirty trick of  
sneaking in a "No Forced Marriages Just Because We Can Fight Better  
Than You Sometimes, And By The Way, Drop That Kiss Of Death Crap  
While We're At It" clause into a formal peace treaty.  
  
The Amazons had retaliated by passing a law that no Amazon COULD  
marry a Viking, under penalty of banishment. To the irritation of  
the Elders, that was just fine with the Vikings, whose males had  
little interest in getting hitched with overly bossy females, and  
whose females felt that the Amazon males generally lacked spirit.  
History records that the reaction of the Amazon Council of Elders to  
the Viking's response of sending then a small chest of gold, a bale  
of fine Viking linen, and a considerable amount of herring as a thank  
you gift was, well... not those of happy Elders.  
  
And for damn near fifteen hundred years it had continued in that  
vein. The Amazons would boast, threaten, insult, and generally scorn  
the Vikings in every way they could short of actual violence, and the  
Vikings would react with amusement, indifference, or the occasional  
"Hey, that's pretty nice of you!" They did this not because it was  
amusing, indifferent, or nice, but because it was so damn much FUN to  
annoy the Amazons. Amazons tended to take things like that  
seriously, but Vikings preferred to laugh, spar, and drink lots of  
mead.  
  
(Incidentally, although fish was the main export of the Vikings,  
their secondary one was mead-- a sort of wine-like beverage made from  
fermented and spiced honey. The Phoenix Mountain folk were fairly  
fond of it, the Musk just plain adored the stuff-- especially those  
of ursine descent-- and the Amazons had it under embargo.)  
  
One can see, therefore, that Hilda was an aberration. Not only  
had she become infatuated with a Amazon male (Possibly because Mousse  
had much more spine than the usual example) but she tended to take  
things VERY seriously, thought tradition was important, didn't drink  
(much-- at least not much by Viking standards), and didn't like fish.  
By Viking terms, she was almost perverse.  
  
But if you combined that with the other Viking female traits of  
violence, obsession, and attractiveness, you'd rapidly realize that  
Hilda was almost exactly like Shampoo-- except that she was taller,  
blonde, wearing less, and didn't try to use magical herbs or obscure  
charms in her quest to gain Mousse's love.  
  
It would, after all, be easier to hit him over the head and carry  
him off to a nice desert island and bed him until he wilted. She  
knew she couldn't get him to marry her, but that would do nicely.  
  
The honored readers will, of course, realize that this would  
cause Mousse to react to Hilda much as Ranma did to Shampoo-- with  
the exception that Ranma wouldn't mind being friends with the Amazon  
girl, where Mousse had no desire whatsoever to be on the same island  
with Hilda, and in fact wasn't happy about being on the same planet.  
  
Things like that make men take desperate measures.  
  
And, actually, in it's own way, it WAS a brilliant plan.  
  
But... this WAS Nerima.  
  
####  
  
Tatewaki Kuno purchased a cherry ice from a sidewalk vendor and  
casually began to consume the confection. It wasn't what he would  
normally do, true, but he was feeling unusually blithe and peaceful  
this fine day, and besides, who could gainsay the Blue Thunder the  
occasional sweet?  
  
####  
  
Ukyo could not easily get the Vikings out of her mind. Something  
like that was... well, the sort of thing that one could not get out  
of one's mind easily.  
  
"Konatsu-chan, we're closing early today. And... get your gear.  
I have a feeling that something's going to happen, and I just bet  
that it'll happen at--"  
  
"The Tendo residence?" finished the crossdressing ninja.  
"Ukyo-sama, I wouldn't doubt it."  
  
Ukyo nodded. "I saw something very... strange today. VERY  
strange."  
  
"As you have taught me, Ukyo-sama, this IS Nerima."  
  
"Strange for here."  
  
Konatsu's eyes lit up. FINALLY he would get to wear the new  
ninja outfit that Ukyo-sama had bought for his birthday... the one  
with the delicate and perfectly feminine but still concealing lace  
trim on the hood. "I'll get my gear."  
  
####  
  
Shampoo looked at the table in the Nekohanten and sighed. Where  
WAS the stupid Duck-boy? Where was Great-grandmother? And where did  
this herring come from?  
  
Oh, well, she could always visit Ranma.  
  
####  
  
Hikaru Gosunkugi was at the moment having a thrilling, action  
packed, mind-bending adventure on a south sea island with Lara Croft,  
Indiana Jones the third, Rally Vincent, Michael "Air" Jordan, and  
Lassie. It was epic in scale, filled with excitement, romance,  
danger, and all the other things that make a perfect summer  
blockbuster film.  
  
Well, ACTUALLY, he was in his room trying to get past level one  
of Spyro the Dragon. But he WISHED that he was on a thrilling,  
action packed, mind-bending adventure on a south sea island with Lara  
Croft, Indiana Jones the third, Rally Vincent, Michael "Air" Jordan,  
and Lassie. At any rate, he's not in this story, and I don't know  
why I even BOTHERED mentioning him.  
  
Sorry about that.  
  
####  
  
Kodachi, on the other hand, having had an unfortunate accident  
while working in her garden (Never get TOO close to the roses with  
the greenish-pink streaks) THOUGHT she was on a thrilling, action  
packed, mind-bending adventure on a south sea island with Lara Croft,  
Indiana Jones the third, Rally Vincent, Michael "Air' Jordan, and  
Lassie.  
  
So, she's not in this story either. But she's having a MUCH  
better time of not being in the story than Gosunkugi.  
  
####  
  
Ryoga Hibiki IS in this story, and in a few minutes he's going to  
wish to HELL he wasn't. But then, that's par for the course, isn't  
it?  
  
####  
  
As Mousse approached the Tendo household, he had-- for a fleeting  
moment-- second thoughts about his plan. Then he remembered Hilda.  
Second thoughts were banished.  
  
####  
  
Akane glared at the bowl. The bowl refused to glare back, but  
that was because it was an inanimate object without eyes.  
  
What was IN the bowl didn't have eyes either, but it did seem to  
have a slightly glaring attitude to it. At least, it was hissing.  
  
Shrimp and rice soup, Akane was certain, was not supposed to  
hiss.  
  
Nodoka stared at the substance, in mixed horror and wonder. She  
had carefully monitored every step of Akane's preparation of the  
recipe. She had made certain that no extraneous ingredient had been  
added. She had been very careful to make sure that the cooking  
methods had been adhered to with utmost precision. At least, she  
thought she had... but she had had to turn her back once or twice...  
  
Perhaps she had rushed the cooking lesson a bit. Akane had only  
recently mastered rice, after all. The soup was a rather complex  
dish...   
  
"This... isn't exactly right, is it, Auntie?"  
  
"Ah... I'm afraid not, Akane-chan. But... well. You can always  
taste it?"  
  
"ME?"  
  
"Well, if you taste it, and it's... not quite right, then that  
way you will know that Ranma won't care for it, and she won't be...  
unhappy with it."  
  
"In other words, she won't tell me it's a toxic mess. But... why  
should I taste it? You don't taste your cooking, after all--"  
  
"Of course I do. Every good cook tastes her cooking as she goes  
along."  
  
Akane blinked. "They... they do?"  
  
"Why, yes. I do, Kasumi does, Ranma does, even Genma does-- and  
he is a fair campfire cook, you know."  
  
Akane shrugged. Well, she'd taste it. And then when she  
presented it to Ranma, she'd know it was good, and the trainee girl  
would have no option to admit it. And--  
  
As she put the spoon in her mouth, her eyes widened. And  
widened. And widened.  
  
And...  
  
####  
  
Ryoga and Ranma looked up as Akane fled the kitchen and shot  
towards the bathroom as though the hounds of hell were on her heels.  
  
"What was that?" wondered Ryoga.  
  
"No idea. Your move, Ryoga."  
  
They went back to the second game.  
  
####  
  
Cologne proceeded towards the Tendo household with a package.   
  
(I do hope Ranma likes it,) she mused. (She's ready for it at  
any rate, and I think she's earned it. Such a joy to teach. Even if  
I can't get her to marry Shampoo, I'll probably still teach her just  
because it's so rewarding. And that Japanese Amazon idea seems  
better all the time.)  
  
Cologne chuckled at the concept of Ranma as Matriarch. Then  
again, in the paternalistic Japanese society, that could work.  
  
She hefted the bundle and carried on.  
  
####  
  
Mousse arrived. Carefully he peered about, but did not see  
Ranma.  
  
Then he put his glasses on and peered again. Ah, THERE she was.  
  
"Saotome, I... I need your assistance."  
  
Ranma looked up from the shogi table and blinked. "You need...  
that's a new one."  
  
"This is difficult enough without your jests, Saotome. I need to  
borrow some of your clothing."  
  
"What, my Chinese gear? Well, I'm not wearing it for another  
month, so I guess I can lend you a tang or two..."  
  
"No, your other clothing."  
  
Ranma scratched her head. "Well... I don't often wear that  
yellow shirt and red tie anymore either, heck, you can probably keep  
it--"  
  
"No, your... OTHER other clothing."  
  
Pause.  
  
"You wanna borrow some of my... girl stuff?"  
  
Ryoga forgot all about the game in shock.  
  
"Well, I certainly can't borrow any of Shampoo's. I don't want  
her to find out about my plan."  
  
Ranma peered at Mousse closely. And then, slowly shook her head.  
  
"Won't work."  
  
"And how do you know it won't work?"  
  
"Hey, it never worked for Tsubasa. Dressing like a girl has yet  
to get him a date with any girl he's tried it with-- Ukyo isn't the  
only one, just his fave. No WAY is crossdressing going to get  
Shampoo to notice--"  
  
"That's NOT my plan, and that's NOT why I need them!"  
  
"Well, what IS it, and why?"  
  
Mousse began to explain.  
  
####  
  
Kasumi Tendo did not make messes. She cleaned them up.  
Frequently.  
  
Many people have wondered why Kasumi never got irritated at the  
constant housework she was subjected to. They wondered why she never  
blew her stack. They wondered a lot of things about her ability to  
keep her calm while all about her were becoming a pack of howling  
lunatics bent on world destruction-- or a close facsimile thereof.  
  
They didn't understand that to Kasumi, housework was a kata.  
  
The purpose of a kata is twofold-- first to practice and perfect  
the Art, and second to act as a focus for meditation and control.  
For Kasumi, her Art was domestic rather than martial, but it was an  
Art just the same, and one she was incredibly good at. If they gave  
rankings for housework, Kasumi would have been fifth or sixth dan  
easily.  
  
When she was upset or irritated, she would take hold of a broom  
or bring out a pot and in a few moments the negative feelings would  
be washed away by the rituals of her Art.  
  
A side effect of this was that her focus in her chosen Art was so  
complete, so total, that she was capable of accepting damn near  
anything in the name of the harmony of the house. Ranma's a girl for  
a while? Then she's a girl. Undress in front of Ranma? Why not--  
it's just us girls, right? Teach Akane to cook? Well, the sages say  
that it's a noble effort to attempt the impossible.  
  
Kasumi, you see, was not-- as so many have erroneously surmised--  
naturally oblivious to her surroundings and the insanity that went on  
on almost a daily basis.  
  
No, she had to achieve that obliviousness through long and  
difficult training and focus.  
  
The result was that she was pretty much the happiest and most  
content person in Nerima.  
  
And, of course, she never actually contributed to the insanity.  
  
Until now, as she finished sweeping the dust from Akane's brick  
practice into a plastic bag, placing it to one side for later  
disposal.  
  
####  
  
Tatewaki Kuno stopped for a moment to watch a kamishibai artist  
practicing that almost forgotten art of narrative with drawings.  
Respecting such a effort to keep traditional styles of storytelling  
alive, he dropped some yen-- a fair bit, actually-- into the  
receptacle designed for such, and strolled on, savoring his cherry  
ice.  
  
####  
  
Akane was despondent. She was also nauseous.  
  
In her mind, if she could cook rice, that meant that certainly  
she could cook a rice soup. Didn't that make sense? She was doing  
all right in home economics, right?  
  
Of course, there Ranma was watching her like a hawk, and the  
foods there were somewhat more simple than Nodoka's famed soup, but  
still... what had gone wrong?  
  
The Tendo residence rejoiced in a western-style toilet. If you  
can afford one, they are well liked in Japan. They are comfortable,  
efficient, and most of all highly useful if you are suddenly sick.  
Generations of fraternity initiates can attest to that after a  
serious beer bash, and so could any unfortunate Tendo who was  
assaulted by one of Akane's failures.  
  
And although she had been getting better-- somewhat-- when she  
DID blow it, she blew it big-time.  
  
(I guess... I need to practice simpler foods...)  
  
####  
  
Kasumi entered the kitchen, and sighed. Nodoka was scraping the  
"soup" into the trash-can, gazing as it fell in semisolid chunks.   
  
"I can't see what she could have done to cause this,  
Kasumi-chan," the Saotome matriarch said. "After she went to...  
well, you know, it started to... to... coagulate. I've never seen  
anything like it."  
  
"At least she can make rice now. And a passable miso soup. You  
and Ranma have been such a help."  
  
"It's mostly Ranma, I'm afraid. She's determined to make Akane  
a-- and I quote-- "Non-threatening" cook. I suppose that she's still  
not ready for fancier recipes yet."  
  
"I... suppose. Well, this pot will take a while to clean, and  
the counter is something of a mess. Since everyone's had their bath,  
I don't need to clean the furo yet, so I may as well begin here..."  
  
####  
  
Akane finally cleaned up a bit, and felt somewhat better.  
Stepping out of the bathroom, she was greeted by the interesting  
sight of Ranma and Ryoga staring at Mousse as though the Amazon boy  
had grown a second head.  
  
"You have GOT to be kidding me. You just HAVE to. That's the  
most insane plan I have ever heard in my LIFE!" This, oddly, wasn't  
from Ranma (Who, to be truthful, held much the same opinion) but  
Ryoga.  
  
"Is not," sulked Mousse, who was used to abuse from Ranma but  
wasn't quite so from Ryoga.  
  
"I don't see how you plan to do this, Mousse," said Ranma, with a  
quizzical expression.  
  
"It's simple. Hilda's looking for a boy. I nicked a packet of  
Instant Nyannichuan from Cologne, and so all I have to do is use it,  
dress in some of your clothes, and poof-- Mousse is baibai, and all  
there is is another girl. It's only for a few hours until I can make  
my way to the train station and go somewhere where she won't find me.  
Like, say, Berlin."  
  
"It's not that easy, Mousse. Being a girl is a LOT more  
complicated than a dress and a different body, trust me."  
  
"I'm not going to be doing this for months like you, Saotome.  
Just for a few hours until I'm on the train and gone. I'll come back  
in a month or so when Hilda's gone back to China. If I can stand  
being a duck, I can stand being a girl for a while."  
  
"Hmm... well, at least you won't glomp me at the Nekohanten  
thinking I'm Shampoo during my Amazon training..."  
  
"Hey, I only did that once."  
  
Ranma gazed at Mousse coldly.  
  
"Well, twice."  
  
Gazing was not interrupted.  
  
"Oh, all right, more than twice."  
  
"Seventeen times. Also three times you mistook me for Cologne,  
twice for your mother-- who isn't even IN Japan-- and once for a  
television set."  
  
"All right. And you didn't have to hit me that hard, Saotome..."  
  
"That WASN'T a power button, Mousse," Ranma replied coldly.  
  
"You... fondled Ranma?" Ryoga said in disbelief.  
  
"It wasn't LIKE that!" retorted Mousse hotly. "It was an honest  
mistake!"  
  
"A perverted mistake, you mean," said Ranma, sourly.  
  
"Whatever! All I need from you is a few articles of clothing so  
I can make my escape!"  
  
Akane finally decided to interject a comment. "Why don't you  
just hide as a duck?"  
  
"Because Hilda LIKES ducks."  
  
"Is that so bad?"  
  
"With gravy and rice," Mousse clarified.  
  
"Oh." Akane turned a slight bit green at that. So did Ranma and  
Ryoga, for that matter.  
  
"No, I've thought this out carefully. So, Saotome, will you  
help?"  
  
"Hey, it's your funeral," said Ranma. And she meant it.  
  
####  
  
Cologne.  
  
Shampoo.  
  
Hilda.  
  
Kuno.  
  
Ukyo.  
  
Konatsu.  
  
Over the next half-hour or so they would all arrive at the Tendo  
Dojo just in time to make what happened next... happen.  
  
####  
  
Cologne arrived first. Greeted by Kasumi, she inquired as to  
Ranma's whereabouts. Guided, she arrived to see the slightly unusual  
sight of a robeless and shirtless Mousse stirring a bucket while  
Ranma and Akane discussed clothing.  
  
"We don't know what she'll look like, Akane. Herb didn't look  
like me, after all. Herb looked like Herb but with more chest."  
  
"Oh, all right. But Herb had a similar build to yours, didn't  
he? So it's probable that your clothes will fit an girltype Mousse.  
It's common sense."  
  
"I still can't believe that you're doing this," Ryoga said.  
"It's nuts."  
  
"Might I inquire as to what's going on here this time?" the  
matriarch asked, just knowing that the explanation would be entirely  
ludicrous.  
  
Mousse froze. (I can't let Cologne know what I was planning!  
She'd NEVER let me live it down if she didn't kill me first!)  
Thinking quickly, Mousse grabbed a bag of brick dust and started to  
mix that in too. "Mud-pies. We're making mud-pies."  
  
Ranma rolled her eyes. (Oh, THAT'LL really fly, duck-brain.)  
  
Cologne looked at an empty packet. "Specifically female  
mud-pies?" she quipped.  
  
"Um... ah... well..."  
  
"It's clear to me that for some reason you wanted to be a girl  
for a while, Mousse. But what that reason could possibly be  
escapes-- Oh. Her."  
  
"Elder, please-- you don't know what she's like! I have to  
escape, and it was the best disguise I could think of!"  
  
Cologne smiled. "And it's probably the first good idea I have  
ever heard you propose, Mousse."  
  
"Oh, go ahead and rub it-- huh?"  
  
"A clever stratagem. However, there is the matter of your taking  
the Instant Nyannichuan without asking, of course."  
  
Mousse stopped stirring the soupy dust and magic water mixture  
and hung his head. "I'm in trouble, aren't I?"  
  
"Not really. Instant Jusenkyo powder is a fairly trivial thing.  
I'll just take it out of your pay. And frankly, I'm interested in  
seeing what the results will be myself."  
  
"Then... you'll help?"  
  
"Let's just say I won't halt."  
  
"Great! And-- oh, no, it's ruined..."  
  
"Nonsense. It will still work, but you'll have to rinse off with  
cold water to get the gunk out of your hair."  
  
"Nihao, Ranma! Huh-- what Mousse do here? Why Mousse no wear  
shirt?"  
  
"S-S-SHAMPOO! How funny you came over, eh-heh!" Mousse may  
have survived Cologne, but he didn't want Shampoo to find out about  
thi--  
  
"Oh, Mousse is going to turn into a girl for a while, Shampoo,"  
Cologne said merrily.  
  
"Really? Is strange. Why Mousse do strange thing?" Shampoo  
looked at Mousse in fascination.  
  
"Arrrgh," commented Mousse.  
  
"Hilda," Cologne said. "Escape. Disguise."  
  
"Shampoo understand. Viking girl in town? Shampoo sorry for  
Mousse."  
  
"You... you are?"  
  
"Viking girl crazy. Not even Mousse deserve Viking girl."  
  
Left-handed sympathy was better than none. "Well... let's get  
this over with--"  
  
Mousse raised the bucket, gritted his teeth, and--  
  
"ANGEL!"  
  
There is one force in the known universe that surpasses the  
Amazon Glomp for sheer unexpected impact. That is the Viking  
tackle-hug.  
  
Guess who finally found the Tendo Dojo?  
  
"ACK!"  
  
Ranma watched in fascination as an incredibly tall, highly curvy,  
and wildly affectionate Viking clamped onto Mousse with an impact not  
dissimilar to that of a meteor hitting the Moon, causing Mousse to  
lose his grip on the bucket, which went flying straight at Ryoga.  
  
Ryoga was frozen in shock as the enchanted mud doused him.   
  
He felt a tingle-- a tingle that was familiar from his  
experiences in changing into a pig, but somehow different.  
  
He knew what had happened.  
  
It was obvious what had happened.  
  
But he had to make sure.  
  
So he carefully checked his chest.  
  
Which was, at the moment, HER chest.  
  
Then, and only then she gratefully passed out, comforted in the  
knowledge that the universe was once again, as expected, being a  
meanie.  
  
####  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke were exhausted. Following the Viking had  
been interesting for a while, but following her all over Tokyo was  
too much. They decided to stop at Fred's Burgers for a cold drink  
and a order of fries to replenish their energy.  
  
"I still say she was another fiancee," Hiroshi panted.  
  
"Naw, I think she's here to challenge Ranma. You saw that sword.  
Challenger if I ever saw one," wheezed Daisuke.  
  
Fred raised an eyebrow as he served two jumbo Cokes and a large  
basket of chili-cheese fries (new on his menu, and startlingly  
popular). "Tall blonde in a chainmail bikini?"  
  
"You saw her too?"  
  
"She ordered a Ranma Special earlier today. Actually, she's in  
town for Mousse."  
  
"MOUSSE?" the two spluttered.  
  
"Yeah. Head over heels in love with him, it seems. Not what  
you'd expect, is it?"  
  
"That incredible babe was after MOUSSE?" Hiroshi said, outraged.  
  
"It's not fair! It's just not fair! First all the cute ones go  
after Ranma, and now Mousse? Who next, Kuno?" squeaked Daisuke.  
  
"Let's not get improbable, Dai."  
  
"You're right, Hiro. Hmm... I have an idea. Let's just go  
straight to the Tendo place. She'll have to show up there sooner or  
later."  
  
"An excellent suggestion. It is, after all, inevitable."  
  
They sipped their cokes.   
  
####  
  
Carefully, Tatewaki Kuno discarded the paper cone of his cherry  
ice in the proper receptacle, and mused on what to do next on this  
delightful day.   
  
Perchance a visit to the Tendo residence would be in order.  
There was always a chance that the sorcerers spell had finally waned.   
  
He sneezed.  
  
####  
  
Ranma led a still shell-shocked Ryoga-chan to the furo room.  
"Look, all you gotta do is wash that mud off, and then have a soak in  
the furo-- it should still be hot enough. No problem, right?"  
  
Ryoga nodded dumbly.  
  
"You want a hand?"  
  
"NO! I mean, I-- I can wash myself!"  
  
Ranma restrained a chuckle-- with difficulty. "Okay. I'll see  
about your pack..."  
  
As Ranma returned to the courtyard, he was greeted by the  
peculiar sight of a fuming Shampoo glaring at Hilda, who was draped  
all over a not-successfully-escaping Mousse.  
  
"Viking girl being too too familiar with Mousse," the Amazon  
growled.  
  
"I thought you didn't want Mousse," Akane replied with some  
confusion.  
  
"Shampoo no want Mousse, but Mousse is Shampoo's Mousse that  
Shampoo no want!"  
  
As Akane tried to figure out the last statement and Mousse tried  
to break free from Hilda's imitation of an affectionate octopus,  
Ranma shook her head at Ryoga's pack. It was clear that he hadn't  
had a chance to hit a Laundromat for a while, since the clothing  
inside was all somewhat less than clean. (Guess I'll see if Kasumi  
can add this stuff to the laundry, and I'll lend piggy some of my  
Chinese stuff.)  
  
He went to see Kasumi, with the clothing in arm. Kasumi was just  
finishing cleaning the pot, and sighing. "Ranma-chan. Oh, dear...  
are those Ryoga-kun's clothes?"  
  
"Yeah. I don't suppose you can add them to the load today?  
These are pretty nasty..."  
  
"Easily, Ranma-chan. Oh, but where is Ryoga?"  
  
"He's in the furo by now. He had an accident with some Instant  
Nyannichuan, and got turned into a girl. But a quick soak will fix  
that."  
  
"Oh, my." Pause, and then, "Oh, MY."  
  
"What?" Ranma was confused at Kasumi's sudden expression of  
alarm.  
  
"I haven't had a chance to tidy up the furo yet, and I'm not  
certain, but I think your special soap is still in the soap-dish, and  
if he grabs that instead of the regular soap--"  
  
Ranma's eyes widened to near apple-size, and she echoed Kasumi  
with a quiet, "Oh, MY."  
  
Meanwhile, back at the ranch-- I mean, furo-- Ryoga was carefully  
rinsing and soaping herself while trying as hard as she could not to  
look at herself and to ignore the strange way her body felt at the  
moment. After she had gotten as much of the grit out of her hair as  
she could, she gave herself a final rinse, stepped into the furo--  
which was still quite warm-- lowered herself--  
  
And realized that a certain familiar tingle wasn't happening.  
  
Ranma looked up at a sudden high-pitched and definitely female  
scream, and dashed to the furo, just KNOWING what had happened.  
  
Kasumi shook her head, and decided that from now on the furo room  
had priority.  
  
As Ryoga stared at herself in dumb shock, Ranma looked at the  
soap tray, and decided that she should get something else for Ryoga  
to wear. Like a nice sundress or something.  
  
####  
  
Ukyo, followed by an unseen Konatsu, arrived at the Tendo Dojo to  
a scene that was at best described as... weird as all hell.  
  
Mousse was struggling against the grip of a remarkably tall and  
pneumatic blonde in a honest to gosh chainmail bikini who was  
cuddling him and caressing him and hugging him and squeezing him and  
doing damn near everything but calling him George. She apparently  
preferred to call him Angel.  
  
Shampoo was glaring at the both of them with an expression that,  
if it hadn't been Shampoo, Ukyo would have called jealousy.  
  
Akane was shaking her head and murmuring about poor Ryoga.   
  
Cologne was not rolling on the ground laughing her  
multi-centenarian ass off, but that was only because she had an image  
to maintain. Instead, she was perched on her staff giggling  
furiously.  
  
Wondering just what the hell was going on this time, she entered  
the Tendo household to see Ranma leading a strange girl out of the  
furo with a towel wrapped around her body and an expression of panic  
wrapped around her face.  
  
"Where are you taking me?" the strange girl asked.  
  
"To get you some clothes, Ryoga. You can't run around in a  
towel, you know."  
  
Ukyo stared. Did Ranchan just call that girl... Ryoga?  
  
"Clothes..."  
  
"C'mon, you," Ranma said, dragging the towel-wrapped neo-girl  
into her room by one hand.  
  
Akane had been partly right-- Ranma and Ryoga in girl form were  
similar in size. Facially, they were somewhat different. As Ranma  
resembled her boy-side, so did Ryoga. But the now wider hazel eyes,  
the even cuter fangs, and the thick shock of sky blue hair-- Ranma  
would never figure out WHERE Jyusenko got it's taste in hair  
coloring-- made Ryoga look somewhat less sexy than Ranma, and  
somewhat more cute.  
  
"I'm a girl. I'm stuck as a girl. I'll be a girl forever."  
Ryoga was in a state of sheer horrified shock.  
  
"Naw... just about a week or so. You grabbed my waterproof  
beauty soap by accident, and it took. It'll wear off in a week or  
five days, or like that, if you don't accidentally use it again."  
  
"I'm... not a girl forever?"  
  
"Nope. You'll survive it. And anyhow, it means for a week or so  
no pig, right?"  
  
Ryoga brightened at that. "No Pig. No Pig is a good thing."  
  
"Here... these should fit you."  
  
Ryoga froze-- again-- and blinked. "What are these?" No Pig was  
a good thing, but these... things... were not.  
  
"That's a bra, and those are panties, and that's a pair of  
stockings, and--"  
  
"I can't wear that stuff!"  
  
"Sure you can. Trust me, it's more comfortable when you're a  
girl for an extended period of time. Hmm... this top should look  
decent on you."  
  
"I-- I can't wear this! I'm a guy!"  
  
"Not for a week or so, you ain't. Besides, all of your clothes  
are filthy, and all my guy stuff is packed away." This wasn't  
strictly true, but Ranma couldn't resist the opportunity. "Hmm...  
no, I bet you ain't fond of the idea of a miniskirt, are you?"  
  
"But... I don't even know how they work!"  
  
Ranma sighed. "The panties work just like boxers except snugger.  
Think of them as briefs for girls. The little bow on that pair goes  
in front. The bra is a front-closing one-- just slip it on like a  
vest and snap it in front. The thigh highs are like really tall  
socks. It's easy."  
  
Ryoga, still stunned, wordlessly complied, managing not to notice  
her now highly feminine body. However, as she pulled on the last of  
the undergarments, she accidentally caught sight of herself in  
Ranma's mirror. And gulped.  
  
Ryoga-chan in lingerie pulling up the edge of a stocking.  
Classic Cheesecake. Except for the nervous, almost panicky  
expression.  
  
Perhaps it was the shock, perhaps it was the sudden lack of  
masculine hormones, perhaps it was a combination of the two. At any  
rate, Ryoga wasn't passing out or getting a nosebleed. But it was a  
close thing. She definitely felt dizzy.  
  
"Kawaii, ne?" grinned Ranma. "You clean up pretty decent.  
Better make certain that Kuno never gets a look at you."  
  
"I... I can't believe that I'm wearing this stuff..."  
  
"Hmm... this skirt should look okay on you, and this top. Try  
'em on, while I do something about your hair."  
  
"My hair? A skirt?"  
  
"You look like a drowned blue rat. I can at least comb it so you  
don't bring shame on the reputation of girls around the world. As  
for the skirt, well, I can lend you a leotard if you'd prefer, or  
maybe something in spandex? Or a bikini. If you prefer."  
  
"You think this is funny, don't you?"  
  
"Me? Well, actually... yeah. But I'm also serious. If you're  
going to be a girl for the next week, you might as well be one with  
some style." Ranma began to brush Ryoga's hair, eyeing it  
critically. "Take off that bandanna for a sec, will you?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I figure I can retie it into a nice bow, or something--"  
  
"Forget it. These clothes feel funny."  
  
"You get used to them. Sorry I don't have any clean slacks, or  
I'd have lent you a pair instead. There-- ain't as feminine as it  
ought to be, but you don't look that bad. Want some lip-gloss?"  
  
"Don't push it."  
  
Ranma chuckled. "Now take a look at yourself."  
  
Ryoga did-- and blinked. Girl. Yellow top with a gray and blue  
checked knee-length skirt. Hair slightly styled and wavy, and that  
strange pale blue. Except for the eyes, she looked a lot like a  
fanged Rei Ayanami.  
  
"I'm... I'm... pretty?"  
  
"Hey, the pools seem to try for the best possible result. I'm a  
good looking girl too, Mousse is a fine duck, you normally turn into  
a pretty decent pig, Shampoo's a very high quality c-cat, and I dunno  
what the hell Tarou is, but he's an excellent example of it. Heck,  
even Pops is a remarkable specimen of a panda. Sort of a quality  
curse, I guess."  
  
"I'm a pretty girl. Oh, GOD, I'm a pretty girl. Ranma, this is  
all... Hey, wait."  
  
Perhaps the severe shock had caused Ryoga's mind to derail from  
it's usual one-track course, or perhaps reality was creeping around  
the surreal nature of the situation, but for once--  
  
"MOUSSE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"  
  
"Uh-oh," breathed Ranma.  
  
"ARRRRGH!"  
  
"Um... You wanna wait a bit, before you go out? I mean, you're  
probably still sort of disor--"  
  
"I'LL KILL HIM!"  
  
"So, you don't wanna wait?"  
  
Ryoga dashed out of the room, and with strange accuracy headed  
straight back to the Dojo area, where things were getting... odd.  
  
####  
  
Ukyo walked out of the house with a slightly glazed expression.  
Ryoga was a girl? Did Ranchan REALLY call that girl Ryoga? What was  
going on?  
  
"Angel!"  
  
"Let me GO, Hilda! And I'm NOT your angel!"  
  
"Shampoo no care if stupid Mousse want fool around with Horny  
Girl."  
  
"Shampoo, it's -- aw, let GO-- it's not what it LOOKS like!"  
  
"I thought this only happened to Ranma," Akane said to Cologne.  
  
"It is something of a change, isn't it?" the matriarch replied.  
  
"Who you call horny girl, Amazon?" Hilda glared at her rival.  
  
"Shampoo call Horny Girl Horny Girl. And no talk about helmet."  
  
"I don't suppose someone can explain what's actually going on  
here?" asked Ukyo.  
  
"Well, the girl in the chainmail bikini is a Chinese Viking who's  
in love with Mousse although it doesn't seem that he returns the  
favor, Ryoga got turned into a girl by a bucket of magic mud, which  
is annoying Mousse because HE wanted to turn into a girl instead of  
Ryoga, so he could go to Berlin. Or something like that," Akane  
explained.  
  
Akane's explanation made little or no sense to Ukyo, but that was  
okay. Making little or no sense was par for the course in Nerima,  
especially at this house. It was, actually, something of a relief.  
  
"UMBRELLA! WHERE'S MY UMBRELLA!"  
  
Akane stared at the blue-haired girl who stormed in, screaming,  
followed closely by Ranma.  
  
"Ranma, who is that?"  
  
"Ryoga. Who else would be screaming for an umbrella?"  
  
"But... why's he still a..."  
  
"Grabbed the wrong soap in the furo. Stuck for a week or so.  
And she's angry at--"  
  
Ryoga found her umbrella, and hefted it. It seemed slightly  
heavier than usual-- not that that mattered much to what was  
effectively the strongest girl in Japan at the moment.  
  
"MOUSSE-- PREPARE TO DIE!"  
  
Mousse, confused, managed to pull away from Hilda just in time to  
keep his head from being split.  
  
"What-- who-- who are you?"  
  
"Who do you THINK? It's Ryoga Hibiki, and I'm gonna kick your  
duck ass all the way back to China!"  
  
Hilda stared as the strange blue-haired girl attacked her Angel.  
  
Now, before anyone asks, Hilda had been totally focused on  
Mousse, and so hadn't noticed the bucket of magic mud or the  
alterations it had performed on a certain Lost Boy, making him into a  
Lost Girl. Also, the clothing was completely unlike what Ryoga had  
been wearing. So, Hilda had no idea what Ryoga was talking about.  
  
But she DID know Amazon traditions passably well, and so came to  
an understandable conclusion.  
  
"Umbrella Girl NOT steal Angel from Hilda!"  
  
The newborn battle stopped as both Ryoga and Mousse stared at the  
now standing Viking.  
  
"WHAT?" they squawked in unison.  
  
"Umbrella Girl try beat Mousse, make him marry her! Hilda not  
let Umbrella Girl do that!"  
  
Jaws fell all around.  
  
"Me? Marry HIM? I'd rather marry... marry... RANMA than HIM!"  
  
"Gosh, Ryo-chan, I didn't know you cared," quipped Ranma.  
  
"Shaddap, you," growled the new girl on the block, with unwanted  
cuteness.  
  
"You no fool Hilda! You want Mousse! Every girl want Mousse  
except stupid Amazon girl!"  
  
"Horny Girl pushing it," Shampoo growled.  
  
Ukyo just stared.   
  
It was obvious to the disinterested observer-- or would have been  
had there been a disinterested observer available-- that Ryoga still  
wanted to kick duck ass, and that at any moment, Shampoo and Hilda  
would be at each other's throats. Only a person of unparalelled  
diplomatic ability could possibly defuse the situation.  
  
Of course, those are not something common to Nerima.  
  
####  
  
Hiroshi and Daisuke had interested Fred in the probable upcoming  
insanity. Fred decided that since he was fairly new to the Art, the  
fight that the duo predicted could be educational.  
  
So Fred rapidly prepared a large quantity of his burgers as a  
visiting gift, and shut down early. Besides, he was due for some  
entertainment.  
  
As the duo plus one made their way to the Tendo Dojo, Fred's  
heart lifted a bit higher at the sight of his girlfriend, Eiko.  
  
"Ohayo, Eiko-chan!"  
  
Eiko's eyes widened a bit. "Fred-chan! Aren't you usually  
cooking right now?"  
  
"My friends here suggest that there's going to be a big fight  
soon, and I thought I'd take a look at it."  
  
"Oh? How big?"  
  
"Ranma."  
  
"Ooooh! That's always a treat! I'll come too, if I may? I can  
make tea for everyone, and I hear that Kasumi Tendo has a fantastic  
kitchen!"  
  
Fred grinned. "I hadn't thought of that, Eiko-chan, that's a  
plus too!"  
  
Hiroshi paused for a moment, and then asked Fred, "Are you a  
martial artist?"  
  
"Well, sort of..."  
  
"Figures." (Cute girl out of nowhere, targets onto Fred Yamada  
in a heartbeat-- why do the martial artists get all the girls?)  
  
####  
  
So far, the fight hadn't began again. Mousse was still staring  
at Ryoga in confusion, who was redefining glare every second.  
Shampoo and Hilda were also glaring at each other with expressions of  
intense hostility. Ukyo was fingering her battle spatula just in  
case the expected explosion of violence spilled over to Ranchan.  
Akane was considering grabbing a handy statue or somthing, just in  
case. Ranma was looking from girl to girl-- there were a lot of  
girls here, including the temporary ones-- and beginning to sweat.  
And Cologne was trying her damnedest not to explode in hysterical  
guffawing.  
  
Nodoka peered out of the door for a moment, saw the quite  
improbable Hilda, and blinked.  
  
"Ranma-chan, who is... that?"  
  
"Chinese Viking, Mom."  
  
"And that girl there with Ryoga's umbrella?"  
  
"That's Ryoga, Mom. She had a little accident with some Instant  
Nyannichuan and the waterproof soap. I lent her some clothes, is  
that okay?"  
  
"Ah... certainly. Is there going to be a fight?"  
  
"Probably."  
  
"Then you may want to change clothes, since that dress is too  
nice to get wrecked in a battle." Nodoka felt on somewhat more  
stable grounds here. Female Ryogas and Chinese Vikings in chainmail  
bikinis may have been difficult for her to comprehend, but fights she  
knew about.  
  
"Good idea. Hey, guys, don't start killing each other before I  
get back, 'kay?"  
  
Ryoga just growled. Cutely.  
  
As Ranma went to her room to change into something more durable,  
tensions-- predictably-- increased. Ryoga glared at Mousse as though  
glaring was about to be declared illegal and she wanted to get as  
much in as she could, Mousse stared at Ryoga in what could only be  
described as, well, fear-- he'd NEVER seen a girl THIS angry before--  
and Shampoo and Hilda were, well, not being particularly nice.  
  
Not nice at all.  
  
"Horny Girl."  
  
"Stupid Amazon."  
  
"Horny Girl."  
  
"Stupid Amazon BITCH."  
  
"Horny SLUTTY Girl."  
  
Mousse gazed at the two, and sighed.  
  
"Um... not that I care, because I still intend to kill you,  
duck-boy, but should we wait for them to fight first?" Ryoga asked.  
  
"They won't. They're not allowed. Ancient Amazon/Viking peace  
treaty. They WILL insult each other for hours, though, that's legal,  
as long as they don't do it in Chinese," Mousse explained.  
  
Ranma emerged in a pair of cut-offs and a t-shirt. "Okay, I  
guess the fight can begin..."  
  
"Stupid UGLY Amazon bitch!"  
  
"Horny slutty GOOFY girl!"  
  
"Or not," Ranma added, fascinated. She'd felt CERTAIN that a  
battle was about to happen.  
  
"We can't fight yet, Ryoga. Amazon and Viking law requires that  
the battle of insults be finished first... it would be an incredible  
insult to interrupt it," continued Mousse's explanation.  
  
Ryoga fumed for a moment, but then relaxed. "'Kay. I'll kick  
duck ass later. They... aren't too good at it, are they?"  
  
"No... both Shampoo and Hilda were always better at being  
physical..."  
  
"Stupid ugly SILLY Amazon bitch!"  
  
"Horny slutty goofy FAT girl!"  
  
Ranma looked to Cologne. "I don't suppose you can just let them  
hit each other and get it over with?"  
  
Cologne didn't reply, since she needed all her breath for  
giggling.  
  
"Didn't think so."  
  
"So, I have to wait for them to stop being bitchy before I can  
kill you?" Ryoga asked, uncertainly.  
  
"No, you have to wait for them to stop being bitchy before you  
can TRY-- Lost Girl." Mousse wasn't happy about Ryoga's casual  
acceptance of victory beforehand.  
  
"We not bitchy!"  
  
"Is complicated traditional word-war!"  
  
With that, the two went back to stringing insults together.  
  
"Okay. I'm STILL gonna kill you, though," Ryoga noted.  
  
"Will you stop saying that? It's not very polite," Mousse  
complained.  
  
"It's not meant to be! It's meant to be a warning that I'm going  
to kill you!"  
  
Ranma just shook her head. How could things get any--  
  
"Hey, Ranma! We heard there was going to be a fight, and I  
wanted to watch! Do you mind?"  
  
"Oi, Fred! Naw, not at all, but I'm not certain there's going to  
be a proper fight-- things are a little weird right now..."  
  
Fred entered with Eiko, Hiroshi and Daisuke in tow. And stared  
at the two girls stringing bad insults together.  
  
"Amazon Ritual?" Fred asked.  
  
Cologne managed for a second to stop giggling. "Ah, Yamada-san.  
How are things with you?"  
  
"Quite well, Cologne-san. Have you met my girlfriend?"  
  
"No, I can't say that I have..."  
  
"She looks familiar, Ranma," noted Ryoga.  
  
"Yeah... Can't quite remember from where though..."  
  
They both paused to try to remember where they had seen the new  
arrival, and then blinked.  
  
"Our date!" they chorused.  
  
"Hey, Ranma, can you introduce us to your new friend?" Daisuke  
asked, looking at a certain blue-haired girl with undisguised  
interest.  
  
"Sure. This is Ryoga Hibiki, she's really a boy, she had an  
accident with some Instant Nyannichuan and some waterproof soap, and  
no, she's NOT going out with you."  
  
"Ranma! You don't decide who I go out with!"  
  
"What-- you WANNA go out with him?"  
  
"Of COURSE not-- but it's MY decision!"  
  
Meanwhile Daisuke was trying out one of Ranma's more advanced  
techniques-- that being, beating his head against a handy wall. Why  
was it that every cute girl he met was either going out with a male  
martial artist, chasing a male martial artist, or actually WAS a male  
martial artist? It wasn't FAIR!  
  
Hiroshi just scratched his head. More Ranma. That's the only  
thing he could think, More Ranma.  
  
"Stupidugly silly nasty no-talent Amazon bitch!"  
  
"Horny slutty goofy fat mean geeky girl!"  
  
"Who you call geeky?"  
  
"Shampoo call horny slutty goofy fat mean geeky girl geeky!"  
  
"Hey, Mom, get Pops for me, would you?"  
  
"Why, Ranma?"  
  
"I want to know if there's an Anything Goes Martial Arts  
Insulting technique. I'm beginning to think it could be useful."  
  
"He won't come out of our room, Ranma. He just keeps mumbling  
about the training and you dating Ryoga. Ryoga's such a nice boy,  
too."  
  
"Girl, Mom. Nice girl."  
  
"Shaddap, Ranma. I'm not a nice girl."  
  
"Are you going to borrow Ranma's leathers when you try to kill me  
then?" asked Mousse.  
  
Ryoga thought about how she would look in Ranma's now infamous  
leather shorts and halter combo and almost DID get a nosebleed.  
"Um... Well, I'm nicer than THAT. I'm no tramp." (What am I  
SAYING?)  
  
Ranma blinked, and began to fume. "Are you saying I'm a tramp  
when I wear my leathers?"  
  
"Well if the shoe-- or shiny black calf-hugging boot-- fits..."  
  
Ranma, who had not been really in the mood to fight Ryoga, was  
beginning to change her mind.  
  
"Look, you--"  
  
Akane scowled. "Ranma, don't pick on poor Ryoga. She's confused  
enough as it is."  
  
"Hey, she's the one calling ME a tramp, here!"  
  
"Stupid ugly silly nasty no-talent flat-chested Amazon bitch!"  
  
"Horny slutty goofy fat mean geeky trampy girl!"  
  
"No fair! Steal trampy from umbrella girl! Amazon cheat!"  
  
"HAH! Shampoo not cheat, umbrella girl not girl!"  
  
Hilda blinked at that. "Amazon say that not girl, Amazon REALLY  
confused."  
  
Ryoga decided to side with Shampoo on this. "She's right. I'm  
not a girl."  
  
"Yes, you are," corrected Ranma. "If you weren't, those panties  
would pinch something awful and you wouldn't fill out that top like  
you do--"  
  
"Well, I'm not USUALLY a girl!"  
  
Hilda stared. "Is matter of choice in Japan?"  
  
Explanations followed.  
  
####  
  
From his place of concealment (Behind a trash can-- a skilled  
ninja can hide almost anywhere) Konatsu stared in mild confusion. He  
was vaguely aware of the oddness of Nerima from Ukyo-sama's stories,  
but since he rarely left the okonomiyaki-ya except for light  
shopping, he hadn't much direct contact with it. Technically, he  
wasn't in contact with it right now, but...  
  
"And what transpires here, miss?"  
  
Konatsu turned, startled, to see Tatewaki Kuno standing in the  
one location where he could be easily spotted. Said Kuno was staring  
at the altercation in fascination and some (understandable)  
confusion.  
  
"Um. Well. Ukyo-sama and I came out to see her Ranchan, and  
Hibiki-san was turned into a girl, and the Amazon and the Viking are  
calling each other names, and the fellow over there makes hamburgers,  
and have we met?"  
  
Tatewaki Kuno simply stared. All he could tell for certain is  
that there was a rather larger than normal amount of attractive women  
in the Tendo yard, and that in general they all seemed to be arguing.  
Large amounts of arguing girls tended to degrade into violence.  
  
He could go in and try to defuse the situation. Surely they  
would listen to his wisdom and desist this unseemly altercation.  
Yes, he would--  
  
But wait. In truth, that had never worked before. Instead, the  
result would be that somehow they would visit their wrath on the one  
who had ensorcelled them all, Saotome.  
  
Who wasn't here.  
  
Kuno Logic can be a beautiful thing to see. This time it was  
positively magnificent.  
  
(When girls argue, Saotome gets beat up.  
  
(The girls are (mistakenly) in love with Saotome.  
  
(The girls should be in love with Me.  
  
(Saotome isn't here, so they WILL be in love with Me.  
  
(The girls are arguing.  
  
(Therefore, I will get beat up.)  
  
From a mix of one accurate and a group of flawed propositions,  
Tatewaki Kuno had managed to come to a completely accurate  
conclusion.  
  
"I see. Perhaps I shall simply go to the library instead to  
reread the life of Miyamoto Musashi, then. Good day."  
  
And Tatewaki Kuno for once remained unbloodied and unbruised.  
  
See? Complete and Total Idiot does not always equal stupid.  
  
Just usually.  
  
####  
  
Hilda did not understand the explanations much. Jyusenkyo wasn't  
a major part of the Viking life, since they did not live in the close  
proximity to it that the Amazons et al did. Everyone talking at  
once, mostly in Japanese, didn't help either. Neither did Ryoga's  
switching between idle darts at Ranma's being a tramp (to which Ranma  
retorted with the epithet "Sow") and reminding Mousse that she was  
still going to kill him, Ukyo's attempts to try to get a proper  
clarification of what exactly was going on (she was still somewhat  
confused), Shampoo's insistence in Chinese that it was soooo obvious,  
only a Viking wouldn't get it, and Cologne's finally collapsing in  
hysterics.  
  
"Let Hilda get this straight. Umbrella girl is really umbrella  
boy, but took a bath and decided to dress like girl?"  
  
"She IS a girl. She just normally isn't one." Ranma was  
beginning to wonder about Hilda. Well, wonder more.  
  
"Ah. And is because Angel wanted to be a girl for a while?"  
  
Mousse looked uncomfortable. "That's not exactly what she  
means..."  
  
Hilda's eyes sparkled. "Angel SOO nice to Hilda!"  
  
Akane blinked. Most there imitated her. "Um... how so?"  
  
Hilda grinned. "Hilda like both types! Angel so nice to Hilda  
to indulge!"  
  
Mousse began to back off very rapidly indeed, while Ranma boggled  
and Ryoga at that mental image FINALLY developed a thin but definite  
nosebleed.  
  
"NO! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT! I WAS TRYING TO GET TO BERLIN!"  
  
Shampoo sniffed. "Mousse want be pervert girl, Shampoo no care."  
  
The rest facefaulted.  
  
####  
  
Over the next few days things went more or less back to normal.  
For that particular area of Nerima anyhow.  
  
Mousse had a close scrape when Hilda decided that the duck she  
saw would make a perfect dish to try to win Mousse's affections.  
Although she thought it was terribly unfair that the duck would fight  
back.  
  
Shampoo was acting oddly jealous. Not that she WANTED Stupid  
blind duck boy, but as she had said, it was HER stupid blind duck boy  
that she didn't want.  
  
Tatewaki Kuno remained for a few days oddly careful, and thus  
oddly unbashed.  
  
Ukyo never DID quite figure out what was going on.  
  
Neither did Konatsu, but that was all right with him. Just  
another thing he and Ukyo had in common, he thought.  
  
Fred and Eiko dropped by again, and made friends with Kasumi.  
Cooks are like that.  
  
Akane finally shrugged it off as just another thing that happened  
around Ranma, and it wasn't actually his fault, she could admit it  
now, it was actually becoming easy.  
  
Kasumi just coasted along. The best tactic, really.  
  
Cologne finally managed to deliver her gift to Ranma-- an  
exquisitely crafted suit of Amazon armor, in her preferred red and  
black colors, with an engraved rearing stallion on the left breast,  
and matching bonbori.  
  
Kodachi came down from her rose-induced adventure, and was mellow  
about as long as Kuno was.  
  
No-one noticed Gosunkugi. So what else is new?  
  
And Ryoga...  
  
####  
  
"Look, you are going to stick around for a while. At least until  
you change back. That's not a cheap skirt, you know."  
  
Ryoga grimaced. "Why can't I have my own clothes back?"  
  
"Because they are SOO filthy that Kasumi says it will take a week  
to wash them right!"  
  
"Hey, I live a hard life, and people keep moving all the  
laundromats!"  
  
Ranma sighed. "That's not it. Kasumi has accepted your clothes  
as a challenge. And I'm not going to interfere with her challenge.  
Your clothes will be the better for it, anyway. When SHE washes  
clothes, dirt runs away. And they won't fit you at ALL anyway,  
cutie-pie."  
  
"Who are you calling cutie-pie?"  
  
"Oh, chill. Anyhow, you can stay in my room until they are clean  
enough for her and you change back. Good night."  
  
Ryoga sighed. There wasn't much she could DO. "Oh, all right.  
Good night. One question, though..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why do YOU get the pajamas?"  
  
"Because they're mine," Ranma replied, smirking. "Besides, you  
look good in that."  
  
"I hate you, you know," Ryoga retorted, trying to get used to the  
sheer nightie.  
  
####  
  
Next on Girl Days--  
  
We get to see Ryoga's short sojourn on the other side, we get to  
see her in a bikini for actually logical and sensible reasons, and we  
get to see Kasumi get a LITTLE rattled.  
  
We also get a lot of gratuitous fanservice.   
  
And we get to REALLY confuse the HELL out of a certain yak-boy...  



End file.
